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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU thinking of leaving an "ok" relationship

108 replies

summerwentaway · 20/08/2024 17:05

Been with DP for several years and there are a few things bothering me. On the whole I do enjoy spending time with him and he is probably my favourite person but I keep having niggles of is this all my life is going to be. One big thing is that he never treats me to anything, never bought a dinner out that wasn't 50/50 or my treat, doesn't buy thoughtful things like a chocolate bar or favourite wine from the shop and would ask me to pay more for food shop if I bought a few toiletries of my own etc. He doesn't split the household chores and I do the daily grind while he will cut the grass and odd DIY job when required. We rarely go out with my friends and family but see his family on a weekly basis. It was my birthday last week and he got me a gift but didn't wish me happy birthday on the day and was irritated that it upset me when I raised it. I know things could be a lot worse and he does have good qualities but I'm almost fantasizing about a relationship with someone who appreciates me more, yet wondering if I am being high maintenance?

OP posts:
JennyForeigner · 20/08/2024 17:08

It's that thing about what will you do with your one wild and precious life right? We all struggle with it, but is once a week with his family and not even getting a happy birthday good enough for your one wild and precious life?

TastelessMiserySand · 20/08/2024 17:10

OP, I had a relationship like this years ago, and didn't feel I could leave without a better reason. But then I saw a random piece of art on the Internet, with the legend 'You get what you settle for.' written across it. For me that was a lightbulb moment. I was 30 and didn't want this situation to be the rest of my life. We broke up, moved on (he remarried a couple of years later to a great woman) and I've never looked back. Life is short.
Good luck OP x

KimberleyClark · 20/08/2024 17:13

If he won’t treat you to a meal out but lets you treat him, that’s a red flag.

Leave.

IdLikeToBeAFraser · 20/08/2024 17:20

So, when you're just hanging around and chatting, it's fine. But....

-he's financially stingy (unless he's earning a lot less than you, in which case I guess it could be considered taht he's cautious).

  • he has no itnerest in socialising with your friends and family
  • He insists you socialise with HIS friends and family. A lot.
  • He doesn't pull his weight with day-to-day chores
Honestly, I'm not seeing the attraction at all. You'd be better off as friends, meeting up for a drink or dinner every couple of weeks and exchanging text messages and memes.
LittleBirdd · 20/08/2024 17:36

Do you work?

Original poster
summerwentaway · 20/08/2024 17:36

JennyForeigner · 20/08/2024 17:08

It's that thing about what will you do with your one wild and precious life right? We all struggle with it, but is once a week with his family and not even getting a happy birthday good enough for your one wild and precious life?

That's definitely what I am struggling with but you wonder if you're just thinking the grass is always greener! x

OP posts:
Babychewtoy · 20/08/2024 17:39

It doesn’t sound great to be honest. It sounds like you know you should leave really but are scared to (understandably).

You don’t read many threads about men getting less selfish and inflexible as they age, so you can probably assume it will get worse not better.

Original poster
summerwentaway · 20/08/2024 17:40

LittleBirdd · 20/08/2024 17:36

Do you work?

Yes both of us work full time

OP posts:
LittleBirdd · 20/08/2024 17:41

I dont think I could stay with someone like this.

vapourtrail · 20/08/2024 17:43

I don't think there is any guarantee that the grass is greener, and if you read the relationship board there is plenty to suggest that life can be a LOT more brown (does that work??) Imagine you never met anyone again, how happy would you be being single? (This is a genuine question, not an assumption that you wouldn't be happier, single can be great!)

I'm not saying make your decision based on this, just that it is something to keep in mind

Original poster
summerwentaway · 20/08/2024 17:48

vapourtrail · 20/08/2024 17:43

I don't think there is any guarantee that the grass is greener, and if you read the relationship board there is plenty to suggest that life can be a LOT more brown (does that work??) Imagine you never met anyone again, how happy would you be being single? (This is a genuine question, not an assumption that you wouldn't be happier, single can be great!)

I'm not saying make your decision based on this, just that it is something to keep in mind

Yes and that's a big thing I have been thinking about. I feel like I know what my future would be like if I stay with him Vs the chance of finding someone who ticks more of my boxes but I'm then scared of being alone and regretting throwing it all away! I guess it feels like all my needs aren't being fulfilled but things could be a lot worse too

OP posts:
fruitpastille · 20/08/2024 17:53

Jeez. Don't settle for someone who doesn't even buy you a bar of chocolate or who wants payback for a shop. Imagine your life with someone who doesn't even say Happy Birthday! You are worth more than this.

LittleBirdd · 20/08/2024 17:54

If you're not happy you're not happy. It's not fair to stay with him because you might not get anything better either. Why don't you speak to him and tell him everything you've said here?

My DH doesn't pick me up a chocolate bar or a bottle of wine, we share finances so there's never an issue over who has paid for what. However when I first met him and before we shared finances, there's no way he would have commented on what I was buying or asked me to pay more. And he would have paid for a meal as well as me paying for one.

A familiy member is more like you partner, he is awful over money and isn't good at sharing. It's awful to see.

vapourtrail · 20/08/2024 17:58

Is there no way of talking to him about this and getting him to see how little thoughtful gestures matters to you?

It may come down to the thing about love languages, he thinks he is showing you love one way, but doesn't know how to show it to you in the way you would like it to be shown? Some people think the whole love languages thing is a load of bollocks but I definitely saw it with my parents. They ended up separating but now with years of hindsight, it is so obvious to my sister and I that they really did love each other, but they couldn't understand how the other person expressed that love.

Oh for a crystal ball eh!!

TimeForTeaAndG · 20/08/2024 17:59

Imagine just never feeling like you're worth a bar of chocolate or some toiletries. I have friends who would buy me dinner just cos they have a bit of extra cash and your man can't even wish you happy birthday.

You can end a relationship for whatever reason you want. And it shouldn't be about whether another man would be better, which you aren't going to find out if you're stuck with this one. Would you be happier single than with this one? Don't settle for mediocre.

Blablablabladibla · 20/08/2024 18:01

Sorry but it sounds like he's not that into you.

Aquamarine1029 · 20/08/2024 18:02

Please, for the love of god, raise your bar. He's fucking awful. This man doesn't cherish you or value you at all. The description of your relationship is the saddest fucking thing I've read all day. What a waste of your life and your potential.

Merryoldgoat · 20/08/2024 18:05

Nothing in your post suggests that this relationship is even ‘ok’ - it sounds woeful.

BananaPeanutToast · 20/08/2024 18:07

summerwentaway · 20/08/2024 17:48

Yes and that's a big thing I have been thinking about. I feel like I know what my future would be like if I stay with him Vs the chance of finding someone who ticks more of my boxes but I'm then scared of being alone and regretting throwing it all away! I guess it feels like all my needs aren't being fulfilled but things could be a lot worse too

Show quote history

Oh love. How old are you? I’m assuming pretty young? If he doesn’t tick your boxes and make your heart skip with joy in what are still pretty early days then think really hard about settling. He sounds like a miserly, lazy, stuck-in-his ways bloke already.

If you feel like this when things are easy (just the two of you to take care of and plenty of time for fun) it’s not going to get any easier when you have young kids or life stress. You really need a partner who’s a team with you, not another dependent to wait on

SunshineAndFizz · 20/08/2024 18:09

Tight is not a good sign - if you're in a relationship and don't let a few toiletries slide knowing it'll probably all even out over time then it's a very selfish trait.

And hes tight with his time and emotions too. Again not great signs.

Listen to your gut x

OldCrocks · 20/08/2024 18:11

Please trust me when I say that the grass on the other side is going to be greener than this.

SissySpacekAteMyHamster · 20/08/2024 18:14

I've been married over 20 years, childhood sweethearts, snd he still can give me butterflies.

He brings me flowersxweekly, buys wine, books, little things he thinks I'll like without a thought to the cost.

Higher your bar.

WalkingaroundJardine · 20/08/2024 18:15

Even my teenage son with just a part time job of a few hours will buy me small treats from the school tuck shop or the local coffee shop. You deserve to be cherished.

LittleMonks11 · 20/08/2024 18:19

What a misery. I would wager he'll only get more miserable as time goes by. I'd cut my losses if I were you. Sounds like you'd have a better life without him.

How did he give you a gift without wishing you happy birthday? Did he just leave it on the side?

Zoebot2000 · 20/08/2024 18:36

I thought I was going to read that he was a bit dull, you thought you'd settled, but he was basically a nice guy who loved and cared for you. I'm not one to say someone has to make your heart race 5 or 10 years in as I think that's unrealistic. But this doesn't really read like this. It's not an "ok" relationship. He doesn't compromise, he sounds selfish, he's prioritising his needs. I know all relationships require a bit of give and take but it seems a lot of you giving and him taking advantage of it. What do you get out of it compared to him?