AIBU thinking of leaving an "ok" relationship

[summerwentaway]

Been with DP for several years and there are a few things bothering me. On the whole I do enjoy spending time with him and he is probably my favourite person but I keep having niggles of is this all my life is going to be. One big thing is that he never treats me to anything, never bought a dinner out that wasn't 50/50 or my treat, doesn't buy thoughtful things like a chocolate bar or favourite wine from the shop and would ask me to pay more for food shop if I bought a few toiletries of my own etc. He doesn't split the household chores and I do the daily grind while he will cut the grass and odd DIY job when required. We rarely go out with my friends and family but see his family on a weekly basis. It was my birthday last week and he got me a gift but didn't wish me happy birthday on the day and was irritated that it upset me when I raised it. I know things could be a lot worse and he does have good qualities but I'm almost fantasizing about a relationship with someone who appreciates me more, yet wondering if I am being high maintenance?

I don't think you're really asking if you would be (ethically, socially, morally, logically, etc. ) unreasonable to dump him, because of course you know you can leave for any or no reason. I think you're maybe more asking if you're likely to regret dumping him because you don't want to be alone and he is "as good as it gets" in terms of a (male) partner.

If he IS as good as it gets, God help us all, because he is very much not very good.

He doesn't split the household chores and I do the daily grind while he will cut the grass and odd DIY job when required. How does he explain this to you? Does he actually say "I have a penis so I do less", or what? Unless there's massive backstory about him being severely disabled, or maybe working twice the hours you do and paying for most of the stuff of daily life, then: yeah, no.

This is my opinion, but I don’t think choosing a lifelong monogamous partner, if that’s what you want, is about “grass is greener” or “one wild life”. The quote I went by is “Choose the person you’d trust to hold you in the middle of a storm”. When your mum dies, your friend betrays you, the Cost of Living crisis, COVID or redundancy throw away your life plans and achievements, who will you trust to hold you through those tough times and see you through as you work together on it?

I don’t think it sounds like this guy, he doesn’t even hang out with your family now let alone taking you to hospital if you need to see them or helping to sort through a parents stuff as they go into care, or helping be part of the family if there is grief. He doesn’t make you feel appreciated or special in normal times, what about when you really need to be picked up and looked after. People pose the “what about kids” question, but what do YOU need when you are vulnerable and need help? Fertility and loss? Thinking about that and then putting it as your baseline in reciprocal relationships is where you can build esteem.

I think you know what you need to do! I promise you, the grass will 100% be greener in this situation. Leave him, take some time to love yourself and learn your worth and I promise the right person will appear. You absolutely deserve someone who shows you they care for you and love you, you shouldn't have to question it!

Not being able to think of reasons why he's your favourite person is a glaringly obvious sign that you're just making do with him. You can do better x

@summerwentaway I think what I would do is a paper exercise on what leaving might involve. What housing options would be available for you that sort of thing. Then see how that makes you feel?

My sister built up the courage to leave her abusive husband after spending some time looking at houses and realising that actually she could still have a decent life outside of her marriage.

It doesn't seem you're living with him, and obviously, you're not married. What makes you so hesitant to end the relationship? This makes me feel so sad.

Thank you for your honesty. Take care of yourself

Have you tried talking about it with him? Maybe give him a chance to change? Do you still love him?

I wouldn't blame you for leaving, but if you loved him then maybe try to work on it first by talking through how you feel?

Sorry, did you miss a paragraph out in the OP?

Because this doesn’t sound like an ok relationship. It sounds UTTERLY SHIT 💩

"your one wild and precious life"? Oh, give over.

I have spoke to him, especially with the birthday thing and it got turned round to me being ungrateful or high maintenance. I do love him but I'm not sure I'm in love with him as I do feel really undervalued and no longer want to be affectionate etc. I just worry that if I bring it up again, it will be made out to me being high maintenance and almost twisted as I just don't think he understands.

He doedsn't understand? Bollocks to that. he knows you're unhappy. He lnows the (small) things he could do to make you happy and he doesnt. It's not that he doesn't understand, it's that he doesn't care. Your needs and wants are simply not important to him. And in the meantime, he gets someone who is paying at least half of all the bills, doing the vast bulk of the drudge admin and facilitating his life.

Trust me, being alone by yourself is better than being alone with someone else.

@summerwentaway It doesn’t matter what he says, or if he disagrees, because he doesn’t get to tell you what your feelings are.

Of course he won’t agree. He doesn’t care. He’s shown you that. He want to carry on with you doing all the work and him doing exactly what he wants.

You can’t expect him to acknowledge that you need to leave him - he doesn’t sound like someone with much emotional capacity or empathy.

You just have to decide to leave and tell him why - if you want to. Anyone can leave any relationship for any reason. Dig deep and fight for your own life and happiness and end this pointless relationship.

He is either extremely stunted emotionally speaking or he is pretending not to understand what most other people would and I think it’s the latter.

It’s not hard to grasp is it if someone says they want a happy birthday on their birthday? Even a 5 year old gets that!

Either way can you really imagine spending the rest of your life with this man?

I think you need to make a decision to accept this or move on. Personally I’d move on.

You've seemingly told him what is important to you and he either dismisses this or ignores it, is that right?

OP, hope you don’t mind, I just wanted to chuck my 2 cents in here as I felt a similar way about my partner and very recently had a situation that made me think differently. I don’t know if it will be as relevant to you, but throwing it here on the off chance it is 😊
he was/is my best friend but I was in a very similar position, thought processes etc to what you’ve described. But as you have suggested I don’t necessarily want to up and leave, because i felt I didn’t have a reason to - he is a good person, at the end of the day.

Something additionally happened between us that led to us speaking to a relationship counsellor. And it was brought up to us both to have an investigation into our love languages. I discovered that mine were things like quality time, which made a lot of sense to me, as I’m the one who plans the dates and dinners and trips away etc, etc. I felt like an AH thinking of it for a while feeling a bit materialistic, and then it was explained to me that it wasn’t about the physical thing or the monetary value, but the fact that someone had put the time and effort in. And that was exactly what I felt I was missing. as for my partner, his is more he appreciates greatly the little things like a cup of tea brought to him, a bath run, filling the car up for you, etc etc. and he was always doing those things for me, even though I wasn’t looking for them.

so we both realised, we were doing things we would have appreciated ourselves for the other person, which was lovely, but that we weren’t getting what we were looking for from the other. So we talked about it and we tried to make a conscious effort to do things the other person was maybe needing and not getting, instead, whether or not they felt important to us as individuals. it’s been incredibly helpful. I just wanted to put it out there as a point of conversation between the two of you, as my partner hadn’t realised at all really that i felt like I wasn’t getting something in the way I needed it.

do not base staying in a relationship on a fear of being alone. There is so much more out there. If he’s stingy (it’s a trait I really dislike!), didn’t even bother wishing u happy birthday, won’t socialise, doesn’t show u ur worth. What r u actually getting out of the relationship

I agree with this. I ended up having a psychotic breakdwon becasue my husabnd hwo was my favourite person was so stingy it caused untold amounts of stress to my life

@summerwentaway what happened did you break up
or stay together?

This is an oddly timed message, I have just recently broken up with him and moving into my own place

Well done wishing you happiness ahead 💐

Thank goodness.
This was a really sad thread.
Delighted to read that you are no longer wasting your life with a mean loser.
You deserve so much better.

Thanks both, not feeling great atm and questioning my decision but rereading this thread has definitely helped!

The more you post the more he sounds like my ex.
So tight he wouldn’t even buy me a glass of wine on holiday, never took me anywhere, treated me, or complimented me.
I started a new job I really wanted.
He came to pick me up and didn’t even ask how my first week had gone, just complete disinterest.
He did tell me he loved me every day but he didn’t show it.
He was shocked when I broke up with him even though I had been making my feelings known for a while, made out I should be grateful that he doesn’t drink or cheat or hit me, silly man.
He was a chronic weed smoker and abusive in other ways with hindsight.
All that to say, you can do better, even being alone is better than being with someone who doesn’t regard you well enough to think about your feelings, it breaks you down one tiny little bit at a time.
Be aware when you do leave, when you’re out of it, you will realise how bad this relationship is from the distance.

Glad to see you’ve left, good luck.
like someone else said, it’s better to be alone than to be alone with someone else,
my ex was also really odd about spending time with my family and friends.
Take care of yourself, treat yourself and give yourself time to process it all.

How did he react to you leaving?