AIBU thinking of leaving an "ok" relationship

[summerwentaway]

Been with DP for several years and there are a few things bothering me. On the whole I do enjoy spending time with him and he is probably my favourite person but I keep having niggles of is this all my life is going to be. One big thing is that he never treats me to anything, never bought a dinner out that wasn't 50/50 or my treat, doesn't buy thoughtful things like a chocolate bar or favourite wine from the shop and would ask me to pay more for food shop if I bought a few toiletries of my own etc. He doesn't split the household chores and I do the daily grind while he will cut the grass and odd DIY job when required. We rarely go out with my friends and family but see his family on a weekly basis. It was my birthday last week and he got me a gift but didn't wish me happy birthday on the day and was irritated that it upset me when I raised it. I know things could be a lot worse and he does have good qualities but I'm almost fantasizing about a relationship with someone who appreciates me more, yet wondering if I am being high maintenance?

It’s not about the chocolate bar, it’s that you’re not on his mind and he’s not thinking about how to make you feel happy. The grass is greenest where it gets watered. I know its scary, but just jump, you won’t look back 💪🏼

I'd rather be single than settle for someone I'm really mismatched with (and FWIW, I don't think you're high maintenance, I couldn't be with someone like him).

Tell him this, give him a chance and if things don't improve it's time to move on.

I don't think he cares about your happiness

I'd rather be single (and am) than be treated like an unpaid maid. His attitude is disgusting.

The last bit of your message…no no no…listen to your gut, it is talking to you for a reason

He didn’t wish you happy birthday?!!

I think this man sounds awful. Selfish, lazy, and childish, with his demands to see his family every damn week (ugh!) and never seeing yours. Don’t waste your life on him. Single and free is better than that.

Nope he gave me my present in the delivery packaging a few days later and no happy birthday on the day!

My dad has a friend who's always been a bit awful with girlfriend. Penny pinching and ensuring they never got a penny more than 50:50. Generally a selfish miserable bastard who always stayed a whisker above abusive

Last summer his girlfriend underwent open heart surgery. She was readmitted with dehydration a few days after being home after he ignored her all day and her calls for drinks and food (mid summer) and she ended up crawling out of the house to find him in the garage and she was then rushed back into hospital by ambulance.

It sounds like is seriously lacking in compassion. It might be fine right now, it might not make you happy but it's not detrimental to your wellbeing. If something was to happen and you were reliant on him would he step up. If no leave now. If yes I would be asking why it would take that for him to be more compassionate and why can't he do that more often.

I say this with kindness but if he is your favourite person then you are decidedly low maintenance / no maintenance.

You’ve settled for almost nothing. Raise your expectations. Although I doubt you’ll ever get much more from him. If that’s true, I hope you’re prepared to move on because then you’ll probably see what a favourite person should be like

So many red flags in your Op but this jumped out at me

It was my birthday last week and he got me a gift but didn't wish me happy birthday on the day and was irritated that it upset me when I raised it

Not only is it strange and frankly quite cruel not to wish you a happy birthday on the day, he is completely dismissing your feelings!

It’s verging on DARVO - he is acting as if he’s the one who is the aggrieved party because you’ve criticised him.

Please raise your bar Op and consider doing some work to figure out why you’ve accepted this behaviour from him so it doesn’t happen again.

It is much worse to be with this man than be single. If you’re single you can be happy and thriving and not waiting on scraps from the man who is meant to love and cherish you.

If a man thinks you’re his dream girl and values you he will treat you well. It strikes as he’s with you at least partly out of convenience as he sees you as low maintenance and undemanding. Not many women would tolerate a man like that.

This seems like a stand out feature, like if everything else is just ok rather than good, surely this isn’t even ok?

I can't wrap head around a recurring conversation with the person I'm doing life with where he says

• 'yes darling, we can go out for dinner, but only if you pay for yours'.

• 'you asked for a pack of Nurofen, but as I don't have a headache, you'll need to pay me that extra £4'.

OP, please choose better for yourself.

I wasted years in a relationship like this. He was crap with money rather than tight like yours. Gave gifts that made me feel like he’d never met me! Always had to prioritise his family. Didn’t pull his weight. I felt like just being unhappy and unfulfilled wasn’t a reason to split.

He cheated (I was shocked he had the get up and go tbh!) and we split. I was single for 5 years and never once wished I was back in a crap relationship. Now have a partner who is everything he wasn’t.

I never wanted kids (and definitely not with him!) so that wasn’t a factor, but it sounds like you’d be miserable and trapped if you had kids with this man. He’ll think all the effort and expense is your responsibility.

I'd rather be without a partner than have a relationship 'just because', and no I'm not single or in a terrible relationship but as I get older and read so many posts like yours, mainly from women, I think live your life to the best of your abilities, yes it's nice to have a closeness with someone, and I know the saying opposites attract but if that someone is too far opposite then move on, who knows maybe the right person is out there but you've just not found them yet.

Life isn't a dress rehearsal, there is no "ol well next time round", that's never going to happen, do what's right for you a this time in your life.

I have been thinking and I don't even think the relationship is actually even ok and sick of feeling lesser than. I'm almost desperate for him to show me some appreciation but he never does and the birthday thing was the final nail. I'm not sure if he's fully aware but his words telling me he loves me etc just feel empty when he doesn't do anything to show it.

Oh wow OP - the bit about your birthday present is so sad.

I don't think you can count it as a birthday present if he just gave it to you in the delivery packaging, several days after your birthday.

That's seriously unkind. You deserve so much more!

I think this is an important revelation.

I guess the question is now what do you want to do?

You deserve better than to be made to feel lesser than the person that's meant to make you feel like a goddess semi frequently.

My mum has always told me how much she loved me and always grabbed me into hugs that I hated. She knew I hated them but would always say "I know you don't like them but I need a hug more". Love goes beyond the word and when you actions mean you tread on the person you supposedly love because it makes yourself feel better it's a pretty crappy version of love.

@summerwentaway you can do so much better than living like this, this half-life. On your own would be better, and indeed some time alone might make you think twice about wanting to cohabit with another man!

My crap ex (see above) used to say ‘I love you’ several times a day. It’s meaningless without actions that prove it.

One striking thing about my current partner - when I meet friends or colleagues of his for the first time, they always say what great things they’ve heard about me. And when I meet those I haven’t seen for a while, they’ve always heard my latest news. Would your partner do that? As you say, it’s the little things.

Was going to say exactly this. If it's like this now it will be horrendous with babies and toddlers. You'll have another full time job on top of your own and he will disengage completely. So many threads on here with men spending all their free time doing exactly what they did when single while ft working mother picks it all up. And yes....that's what happened to me but at least mine buys me flowers and dinners and makes a fuss at birthdays and promotions without prompting.

@Superscientist it's so sad as I don't think he has ever made me feel like a goddess. Like your example above, he is more affectionate because he wants that rather than anything about me. I used to be a really affectionate person but I no longer crave it but potentially it's down to feeling like this. I don't know what to do, it doesn't feel bad enough to leave but I'm feeling quite sad and need to have a think about the future.

@DownThePubWithStevieNicks i don't think he could even tell me my latest news let alone recite it to anyone else! The funny thing is his best friends and sister used to often say to me I don't know how you put up with him and that I am the best thing that has happened to him when he has never made me feel that way.

Very true. I do think kids would be all my responsibility as he can barely look after himself let alone another person. I got promoted at work about 6 months ago and his response was "nice", that was it. Never mentioned again or asked how it's going.

Can you imagine retirement with him? That should help you decide.

And you can finish a relationship at any point for any reason.

Every individual thing you say is “bad enough to leave” over. Cumulatively, you need to run for the hills!

You’re thinking how you would explain and justify it to him and others. Sod that. You wanting to be happy, and him not able to help with that, is more than enough reason. You matter. He doesn’t think so, so you need to.