AIBU thinking of leaving an "ok" relationship

[summerwentaway]

Been with DP for several years and there are a few things bothering me. On the whole I do enjoy spending time with him and he is probably my favourite person but I keep having niggles of is this all my life is going to be. One big thing is that he never treats me to anything, never bought a dinner out that wasn't 50/50 or my treat, doesn't buy thoughtful things like a chocolate bar or favourite wine from the shop and would ask me to pay more for food shop if I bought a few toiletries of my own etc. He doesn't split the household chores and I do the daily grind while he will cut the grass and odd DIY job when required. We rarely go out with my friends and family but see his family on a weekly basis. It was my birthday last week and he got me a gift but didn't wish me happy birthday on the day and was irritated that it upset me when I raised it. I know things could be a lot worse and he does have good qualities but I'm almost fantasizing about a relationship with someone who appreciates me more, yet wondering if I am being high maintenance?

I disagree with this. I think it's not the woman, it's the man. They want someone to slot into their life. I don't think he'll magically change.

Every relationship I've had doubts about has been the wrong one. X

Imagine a baby. Who is doing the work? Not just the nights and the nappies but the engagement- finding clubs, planning trips, buying clothes, knowing when baby needs next size up. It's you.

So every moemnet you're on this path you aren't on the right path. You are straying further from your destination.

Assuming that you're financially sound he sounds lacking in generosity, financially but also in spirit.

The niggles will nip away at you so if you don't have children and are capable of managing alone I'd suggest you call it a day.

Afraid this sounds much less than ok - don’t settle for such an unfulfilling relationship. Staying put because you are scared of being single is ridiculous and you will pay the price later as he definitely won’t improve - more likely to get worse.

Sounds like he got a good life. Someone to cook for him, wash his clothes, do the household chores & give him sex every so often. I bet his happy as Larry.

You my dear need to leave. Yes, initially the grass might not be greener but there are hundreds of thousands of men pit there that you can start dating. I'm sure in time you'll find someone a lot better.

I couldn't be with someone who doesn't think about me on a daily basis - buying thay bar of chocolate when they are paying for fuel just because....they know you'll like it. Fancy not wishing you happy birthday. What a miserable git.

This has put things into perspective a bit that I need to raise my bar and if I'm not happy then I'm not happy. I know it's not right to stay with someone just because I fear being single it just didn't feel like it's all bad enough to break up. I have actually told him how I feel but nothing changes as he doesn't see the problem

I would genuinely rather be single than with someone who couldn't even say the words happy birthday and got annoyed at me for raising it / begrudged buying me a deodorant. He sounds mean and lazy which are fundamental personify traits, rather than minor annoying habits which are worth overlooking if everything else in the relationship is good

I don't want to be Team Boyfriend here, but you also say he is your favourite person. That's quite a big thing to me? Obviously this side of him is shit, but to still be your favourite person he must have a lot of other good things?

From your heading I thought you were going to say he's a great partner but there's just no spark when, in fact, he doesn't make you feel special, doesn't pull his weight and won't spend time with your family and friends. He actually sounds quite selfish. Why do you feel you shouldn't leave?

I hope this doesn't sound mean but I actually don't know why when I try to think of reasons to list. I think he is funny and fun when he wants to be especially at the beginning he was always good fun. We have a lot of things in common and I guess he does do things that benefit me like take care of car maintenance etc. I think to him that's how he shows that he cares. And he is fairly affectionate and tells me he loves me often. I think it just feels very negative at the moment as I don't feel important and valued very much but I am perhaps focussing too much on what I don't have with him rather than what I do

No No No No. Imagine 30, 40 & 50 years ahead with a penny pinching man who won't even treat you to a bar of chocolate. A man who is too mean of spirit to wish you a happy birthday. 30, 40 & 50 years of sitting with his family weekly. The grass IS greener. Concrete and a desert would appear greener with that looming in your future.

Please don't settle for this.

You have given this man 7 years and he hasn't changed. Move on. Single doesn't have to equal sad. You see your friends and family when you want. You can treat yourself to chocolate. Arrange a party for your next birthday where lots of people will wish you a happy birthday.

Nah. You're questioning it and starting to question your own worth - sack it off.

Life is too short.

Yes I guess that's true about being single as I think a large part of it is feeling disappointed whereas as least I could treat myself and not be waiting for him to suddenly change

@summerwentaway
Yes, things could be worse but are u willing to settle because of that thought?

He doesn't sound romantic at all. Him asking u to pay more to the shopping because u get a few bits is pretty mean and unattractive.

I'm not going to tell u to leave him, that's your decision but you will probably always wonder if life could be better if you left him. It's ok saying stay because it could be worse, it could be better too.

I think he's a typically self-centered guy. Without bad intentions, he's just self-centered and would not change anything about himself or compromise with you, even if you're discontented with the relationship, because he simply may not have the ability to understand emotional needs. He was born or raised to be like that. In your relationship with him, you may need to change part of yourself to maintain the relationship. This will be exhausting. I'd advise you not to fear of being single and to follow your heart.

YANBU for thinking of ending a relationship, its your choice who you spend your time and your life with.
YABU basing it on the chance there is someone better out there. That could lead to a lifetime of regret and disappointment, especially as you say your DP is your favourite person. That's a lot to lose, which is fine if you don't want it and will be happy alone but you really have no guarantee that you will find the perfect man.

I agree it's worse than OK. Stingy behaviour is my ultimate turn- off. I actually broke up with my now- DH back when we were dating eons ago because he asked me to pay him back for a small item I needed that he'd bought (he massively changed his ways after this shock to his system, so i later took him back). Appreciate that that makes me sound like a bit of a diva but I really think stingy behaviour is very unloving. Expecting you to spend time with his family and not reciprocating is all part of it. He's selfish. Don't fall into the sunk cost fallacy because you've spent so long with him already. You deserve more OP

Wow he's awful. These bits of meanness every day wearing you down. You'll be much better off single.

Honestly life is too short. I say you sit him down for a proper chat and say look, I can't deal with X Y and Z, and can't imagine living the rest of my life being unhappy about these things. Are you open to working on them? What does he think? Do they bother him? Does he aspire for romance? Where does he see himself in 5 years? Is he happy? Ask all the questions. If he doesn't cooperate and is rolling his eyes at you wanting to hash it out, that's an answer. If he doesn't take it in, or seem to care much, that's your answer. If he gets stroppy, that's your answer. If he understands your point, accepts he could be doing more, and puts those things into action, then that's an answer. Basically tell him you have been thinking and you believe these are deal breakers, if he really loves you and is the man for you he should step up. I'd say that now, give him a month, then if nothing has changed, get rid. The grass IS greener than this.

It is so sad to see you write that you wonder if you are being “high maintenance” for wanting your partner to wish you happy birthday.

I cannot imagine you finding any fulfilment in being with this man. He’s not much of a partner is he? Sounds like he’s got a good deal; free cleaner, maid, cook and you do the life admin for him with his family.

And you don’t even get a happy birthday or a thoughtful £1 bar of chocolate.

It shouldn’t be a fantasy to want to be with a man who, in your own words, “appreciates you”.

I really love the way you phrased this and couldn't agree more.

OP, I promise the grass that you create yourself will be greener. I would rather be single than be with a man so thoughtless.

A number of PP on this thread who think a shit man is better than no man. A partner is supposed to enhance your life - you enhance his but he brings you down. Why are you doing all the house stuff, how have you got here?

I love DH. I am his carer now with dementia. For many years I experienced the same as you. In 31 years I was never taken anywhere I did not arrange. Every birthday the response was, well just get yourself something nice. In addition I managed all finances and there was never a holiday we went on which I had not booked and organised. Over time we moved to what I call passenger syndrome. The arrangement whereby I am accountable for everything and he just attends. Complaining if things do not work out. For example moaning when a hotel is not quite what he would have liked. Infuriatingly whilst pushing mental load outwards to me he would only say what he did not like. So for example, what do you think about decorating the lounge with a blue theme? No do not like that. Okay what do you like Don't know. Hindsight is a wonderful thing, but at 60 I wish I had left earlier TBH. The problem with all of these things is that individually they are quite small and they creep and get worse. Overall though I have lived a much poorer life than I think I should. If I were you I would think carefully.

I suggest you give the relationship a shot before you write it off.

Very frank, honest conversations (maybe several spread over a few weeks) about what you need from your lifelong relationship - with him replying honestly about whether or not he can give it to you. And visa versa.

If you think you’ll struggle to have these conversations without help, get a relationship counsellor.

Too many people seem ready to write off a relationship they’ve invested in, and dump someone, based on mumsnet strangers. My advice is do some more exploration before calling it a day.

See it in terms of a risk assessment- mitigating the risk that you walk away when he could have improved
himself, or you walk away and don’t meet anyone else.