I've done something awful when drunk. What on earth do I do?

[Hangxietic]

I'd been dating a man who hasn't been treating me well. I don't want to go into details but he really hasn't.

It's really been a horrible situation with him and we finally called it off. We work in the same industry. He is well liked but I've seen a very different side to him.

I got drunk at an industry event and, for reasons I can't even begin to fathom, I bad mouthed him pretty badly. I don't remember much but I know I was chatting to other women, who I thought would sympathise or at least not repeat it. Nothing I said was untrue, or in any detail, but I told people what I thought of him.

This is absolutely not in my nature at all. I can not believe I did it. I am honestly the kindest human on the planet usually where I don't have a bad word to say to anyone. I'm also usually really professional and would never speak about anything personal at a work related event. Even on the rare occasions I drink, I'm very measured about my behaviour. I must've had so much to drink and so many pent up feelings I'd not let out.

I cannot even begin to fathom what I was thinking. I have hazy memories of it. I certainly woke up knowing I had been inappropriate but it wasn't until he called me that I knew what I'd said.

Within 24 hours, all of these women have gone back to him and told him what I said. Word for word. Obviously I am disappointed they'd do this, but the blame is on me for opening my mouth.

He is (rightly) enraged.

I don't know what to do, I don't know how to fix it. I want to leave my job, move back to my home country and never be seen again, honestly. I couldn't feel worse about myself than I do right now.

I have of course apologised profusely and asked what I can do to rectify the situation, but he hasn't replied to me yet.

Are there any repercussions for your job OP ? Is he in a position to affect it ? If not I would leave it be. You told the truth, and probably the reason you did it so easily after alcohol is the fact that you’ve put up with shit from him for so long and you can only keep it all in for so long.

You’ve had a valuable lesson in who to trust and who not to. And frankly I wouldn’t be above telling them what I think of them for that. If he’s enraged that’s his business. If you’ve told the truth then he only has himself to blame.

Send him a message retracting your apology and tell him that you think he's behaved badly and if he doesn't want you to tell people then he needs to behave well and dump him. It won't feel like a big deal once some time has passed ❤️

Have you heard the Latin saying “in vino veritas” ? In wine lies the truth. Sometimes when wine ( or Bacardi) loosens the tongue the truth comes out. Maybe you need to think about whether being with a man who treats you badly is what you want out of life. Perhaps you were speaking as much to yourself as to the other women at the event.

Ann Lamott said it best OP


Sorry - photo didn't display! The quote is

'You own everything that happened to you. Tell your stories. If people wanted you to write (speak) warmly of them they should have behaved better.'

I agree that it is not a professional or classy thing to do. I knew a school colleague who behaved in a similar fashion. It was much gossiped about and she didn't come out of it well. He, on the other hand,encountered a lot of sympathy. He was promoted and she left the school.
OP, however much you blame someone don't get drunk and tell tales. I have heard about it happening at weddings and family events when someone decides to have their say. It is embarrassing and awkward and the drunk never comes out of it well.instead it promotes sympathy for the bitched about victim.
I wonder how all the supportive posters would feel about a drunken man who bitched about his ex to her colleagues and friends. Not sympathetic I bet.
It is also very sexist to accuse some of the professional women you spoke to, of 'trying to get into his trousers' . Don't ever repeat that to a colleague or you will end up losing your job.

What he's done to you is the important thing before any of us can give an opinion - not saying you have to tell us, but if he was just getting on your nerves, that's one thing, but if say he was stealthing, or insisting on sexual practices you didn't want, etc, then that's completely different.

He's obviously getting a lot of sympathy from the women now - do you think he or they will take it further? Can you remember the worst thing you said about him?

Slagging somebody off behind their back is never good, especially at a public event where they are not able to defend themselves You were right to apologise for doing that and in doing so does in no way mean that you have changed your mind about his behaviour.
Did you tell your co-workers exactly what he did in treating you badly or did you just say 'treated you badly'? I'm wondering why they all went rushing back to report what you said?
At least you realise that this wasn't a good idea in this particular place and in admitting this you can still hold your head high.

I think the relationship has already ended.

If what you have said is true then it’s fine! Hold your head high. He’s the prick.

From what I recall and what he has repeated back to me, I didn't tell anyone any detail, I just said he wasn't a good person and I called him some unpleasant names.
Just saw this - not being a good person is a pretty subjective comment and labelling somebody thus without giving them change to defend themselves is a pretty shitty thing to do. You were wrong .

If he doesn’t want people to hear about how bad he is then he shouldn’t act the way he does. Tell him to go fuck himself.

This is actually a great result. You said your piece about him, made sure he'll not bother you again and you've learnt these women are not to be trusted.

Just laugh it off, say it was "drink talking". And if he say something else, tell him to go forth. He obvs unhappy because what you said is true.

Ignore the females, completely forget the incident if you are a good person of, if you are anything like me, wait for your chance and drop them into trouble if opportunity presents itself ))

Anything you'll do will just make it worse. I can't think of a single action that would make it better.

Just keep walking in with your head held high. People have better things to do than worry about others' lives, this will blow over. It'll feel horrific now but it will pass.

I sometimes wonder at all the people on here calling her colleague names. Do they all know what was said and done? If so, where can we see it? are these posters all teenagers with no life experience or are they so innocent and gullible that they give people labels with absolutely no evidence to back it up? I honestly wonder about their intelligence.
I would also say that I think the poster indicated she came from another country (I could be wrong on this) . I have lived in Europe for a good few years now and I know that culturally there are sometimes differences in what is considered correct and what is considered offensive. I'm not saying that this is the case here, just that it is one of many aspects of things that need to be considered before labelling people with nasty names.

Yes this op.

It was good of you to apologise but that’s job done now. From here I’d actually just tell him you didn’t mean to blurt it all but it was his own fault for behaving as he did in the first place. If you treat people badly, you run the risk they will tell people.

I think it's only right to take posters at their word on here, unless you have a very good reason not to. Therefore given OPs indication that the ex was abusive to her, then validating her feelings and supporting her can involve using some colourful language about him. He'll never see it or know, we have no idea who he is so it's not personal, it's only done in order to attempt to buoy the OP up a little. Maybe it is crude and unnecessary but she's in a very hard place and needs to vent. I can't really see the harm personally.

I take your point.

Um, my point is that this is a public forum so people are free to give their opinions. Kind of the opposite of being the thread police. Try again.

Stop apologising to him. Stop trying to make it up to him. He behaved badly, now he's doing a number on you as you called it out. Shame you were drunk - lesson learned for the future. But don't let him make you out to be the bad guy.

And what? You entitled to that opinion considering that your relationship was not all roses.
Was it true what you said? If it was, well he should suck it up. What was he expecting you going around and telling everyone that he was a saint?
Yes, it was a professional event but let’s not being naive you didn’t tell them about professional mistakes he made you told these women that this colleague was a twat towards women in his free time, you shared with them your personal out of work experience.
Stop apologising to him.

Was that really necessary?

I really dislike the manner in which posters have laid into these unknown female colleagues. It is so sexist and plays into the misogynistic notion of women bitching about other women.

I understand your feelings of shame, but am concerned about your need to be seen as 'nice'.
Its that desire to shoe horn yourself into a box designed for and by women thats part of the problem across society.
Its not not nice to have been indiscreet, its just indiscretion, no moral judgement needs to be loaded on it.
The issue is not what you said, because its true, its to whom and when you said it too.
But this stuff bursts out if we stuff it down.
Anyway, youre not a bad person because of it, please dont apologise anymore as that will cause you more shame down the road when you look back at it.