To expect my mum to look after her only grandchild on her own for 2 hours a week?

[Welshlady89]

My mother is 75. She is relatively fit and healthy and leads an active lifestyle.

I am 35 and have one child. She will be an only child for various reasons, including health reasons (I have a heart condition and also had bad PPD).

My child is 1. She is the only child in the entire family as both my brother and my DH’s sister aren’t going to have children.

I work freelance. One morning we have outside help with my child, one morning MIL comes down to help, and one morning my mum helps.

My mum also sees my daughter everyday for an hour or so - she comes to have lunch with me in my house on most days.

Whenever she has my daughter for the morning I can guarantee she will be difficult with me when I pick her up. She is tetchy, snappy and talks about how difficult it was, how tired she is and she is almost resentful at me. She adores my daughter, and I appreciate that she is getting older, but 2 hours isn’t that long considering it’s only once a week.

Each time I go and pick my daughter up, I make a big effort to be chirpy and in a good mood. Today, despite very little sleep for 4 nights, I tried my hardest to not put a foot wrong. Yet still I was met with complaints. I suggested I had lunch alone, to give her a break from my daughter as I could see she was in a bad mood and I wanted to avoid a big argument.

It didn’t work and she became even more agitated and then sent me a barrage of 20 messages about how she wouldn’t look after my daughter again and how disrespectful I was etc etc.

I don’t know what to do. AIBU? Should I send my daughter to nursery instead for the morning my mum has her? I can’t stand the feeling of resentment much longer. When I try to talk to her, she just snaps and denies being in the wrong.

I would appreciate your advice.

Thank you. There are kind people out there after all.

It's not the bloody same!

And please can we accept that not all women are the same and not all grandparents are the same? Whatever their age or fitness level

I probably would be ok with doing 2 hours a week but I don't want to!

I don't want to be tied down to someone else's schedule and frankly I just want to be a grandmother not childcare.

Maybe (or not) she's just come to that realisation

Just sit down and have a frank conversation and clear the air

Pay no heed. That was a ridiculous, nonsensical comment. How could anyone determine your character based on one post!!

I do think you should put your DD in nursery, but have that conversation with your mum.

I don't know what motivates people to be so nasty online! I wouldn't post for advice. You don't deserve the barrage you've had x

@Welshlady89
I'm so sorry you're getting such a flaming🌻
My take on this is that your mum wants to score the 'grandma points' but she doesnt actually have the patience needed to look after a little one.
She possibly also isnt able to cope with criticism or with being in the wrong in any way?

I’m a few years younger than your mum. I could look after a two year old for a few hours but honestly, I wouldn’t want to. Not every week. maybe as a one off in an emergency.
I’ve brought up my own kids, I was a teacher for 20-odd years, I’m really over children. I like my grandchildren, but as people I don’t really like being with children any more. I think like your mum I’ve just grown out of it.
Your mum loves your daughter she’s just not 100% sold on being a child carer.

I'm horrified by the attitude of some of the people on this thread. Thank god all the grandparents I know in real life want to help out their children.

I wonder if all of these posters brought up kids completely on their own, with no help from family, while working full time. I am sorry for them if they did.

I’m going to unwatch now. And delete my account on mumsnet.

I came here for advice. Perhaps I worded my opening hastily. Perhaps I should not have used the word ‘expect’. I tried to make clear in later posts that my mum had encouraged me to move closer so that she could help out. She also offered to do one morning a week, despite me saying I would use a nursery.

I can’t believe the comments I’ve received from certain individuals.

I’ve been called a nasty daughter,
not a nice person,
entitled,
a brat.
I’ve been blamed for starting a family in my mid-30s. I wanted to start a family earlier but I lost multiple babies.

Go back and look at my post. Did it warrant this vitriol and malice?

Or are some of you taking out your own dissatisfactions about life on someone who simply came looking for a bit of help on what to do.

I am so disappointed and disenchanted.

Thanks mumsnetters.

Unwatch but don't delete your account. Namechange and move on x

No wonder parents today are struggling when they can’t even rely on their own parents to help

I had my children in the mid - eighties. Neither my mother nor my mil looked after my children for 2 minutes let alone 2 hours. Same went for most of my friends. My kids had a brilliant relationship with their grandparents as they spent plenty of time with them. But not without me there.

There seems to be an assumption today that we grandparents (I'm not one yet) were looked after for hours and days and weeks by our own grandparents and that simply wasn't the case, not in my world and nobody I saw around me. Not only have we baby boomers got all the money, we had all the childcare too. It really, really isn't true for the vast majority. (Or the money, of which I am a prime example)

And it's simply not true that if you don't look after your grandchildren while their parents work, you'll never have a good relationship with them. A good relationship does not depend on whether you're doing their parents a favour, or indeed doing it under pressure. In fact the relationship is much stronger when there is no pressure at all.

OP, do you not know that MN hates anyone who has parents or PIL offering childcare…? (To be fair, though, I think your thread title doesn’t do you any favours as it sounds far more entitled than your actual posts.)

Your mum has offered and that’s lovely — but clearly not working (for you or her) in practice so I think you need to find an alternative. Hopefully your mum won’t take umbrage, but given her recent tirade, she doesn’t really have a leg to stand on if she does decide to get stroppy about it.

@Welshlady89 it sounds like she wants to help but can't actually cope with it when she does. Just talk to her and explain how you feel and that it isn't working out well :)

This is the crux of it.

If you'd asked whether you were unreasonable to feel hurt you'd likely have had different responses, at least from some people.

And of course you're not being unreasonable to feel hurt on your daughter's behalf, which I think is what's happening here, along with maybe some upset that your mum isn't going to be the exact type of grandmother you (or she!) thought she was. I think you're feeling an emotional reaction to that deviance from the narrative that had been laid down.

Stepping back a bit though, I think you can probably accept that it's not likely to be anything personal towards your daughter or towards you.

Bottom line is it isn't working out well. That's okay. Remove the emotion and look to meet her halfway. Adjust your expectations.

So your mum isn't going to be a brilliant, hands-on grandmother in the way that you were expecting. At least not for those 2 hours per week. There are lots of other ways she can be a loving, helpful grandmother and mum.

I reiterate, it's really not a big deal and it doesn't have to be made into one.

Wishing you well!

I think it’s such a shame your mother is finding it very difficult and as you say it’s only 2 hours per week. Your mother coukd be building such bonds with her grandaughter. Could you request your mum looks after her for just one more year as 1 year old is still very young and then if she is still struggling to look after her, maybe try a childminder or nursery. It maybe when your grandaughter reaches 2 your mum will continue as it gets much easier at age 2. Hope you get it sorted. It’s frustrating and very sad for you.

i think the pp who mentioned being on heightened alert has something. It’s not like looking after your own. And that in itself is stressful

That's so true. Terrified of having something awful happen on your watch.

At 75 I wouldn’t cope with a one year old either!

Take no notice of the haters. Sometimes you can't do right for doing wrong. She wanted to do it but clearly isn't enjoying it, it really isn't all about age, I'm in my 70s and I'm my husbands carer, I have a teenage GS living with me and I still do two days childcare for 1 year old. If she doesn't like doing it then she needs to talk to you about it and if she won't I'd just tell her that now the subsidised hours are starting (next month I think) you will be using them so baby can go to nursery and you and your mum can enjoy time together with baby.

Much better to stop all this before it ruins your relationship with your mum.

If you and your children have had a conversation about it and both parts agree with it, then it is absolutely fine. Everybody is happy. My point was more in general, and it was simply my prospective on the topic. And also a response to all the negative comments on here about OP. You are free to turn down childcare but I just could not imagine seeing my daughter struggle with her own child and me just enjoying free time and relaxing. This is me though, I’d rather struggle than seeing her struggle. We’re Different people with different values. No need for all the hate that there’s on this thread.

There is still plenty of bonding time between grandmother and grandchild. They see each other daily.

OP, in the chance you are still reading this, I have a parent who is the same age as yours (more or less) and has extremely severe dementia now (no longer remembers to wash, forgets to eat if food not brought and some degree of insistence applied, nor remembers family members nor that family members that died 30 years ago are dead, nor remembers information they've been given 30 second earlier). The dementia started with snapping, being 'difficult', complaining about things they'd agreed to i.e. a change in personality for about a year before diagnosis.

My parent is still physically very fit and still very 'active' - will walk for miles and miles (though can't remember where they are).

Perhaps your Mum felt she could cope when she offered but the reality is she can't. Even if she can cope physically it doesn't mean she can cope mentally. This isn't great for your child.

I'm not saying dementia is the reason, just that at this sort of age, someone can appear fit and healthy but there can be underlying conditions. It appears she isn't capable of looking after your child and she is communicating this to you. I wouldn't assume her not being able to cope is because she doesn't want to.

I would hope that OP would find out whether it is just being ‘tetchy’ or whether something is bothering her mum. At 75 new health problems come on quite quickly so I’d be going down that road to make sure everything is OK - she may have new symptoms of something and is not being honest with OP.

Well age 70 plus surely if someone says I’ll look after your child and you don’t have one yet, I’d assume that would be a decision made closer to the time. Things change quickly at that age health and energy wise. Even a younger person is entitled to say if it’s not working for them.

My gran helped my mum out loads with childcare, my mum did it for me and I do it for my kids. Maybe it varies in different communities or round the country or something but it is normal to me and my extended family.

I hope you have received some useful advice here. Please ignore the nasty comments. Some people just lay into the OP no matter what.

In this country there is such a focus on never asking anybody for help. I am from an Asian background and find it really odd.

Anyway, remember nobody matters on here. We are all just Internet randoms. Please don’t take anything here to heart. Just use your good judgement. Take care X.

That's fine, so why doesn't she say it like a grown up instead of being moody every week.

I'm in my early 60s and there's no prospect of being a granny any time soon so I doubt I'll be much use anyway. I won't see my kids struggle, even if my help can only be financial, My kids say they wouldn't expect it of me either. We had zero help with them, and paid through the nose for al of it, so we know it's do-able. There's a middle ground; it doesn't have to be daughter struggling -v- me relaxing!!

You're dead a long fucking time, and I'd like to enjoy my life in the meantime! Still working FT unfortunately though - supporting, ironically, my three 20-somethings to varying extents. I think I've earned a break!!

I didn't bring my children into the world to wipe my arse either.

I do agree about the hate on the thread.