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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Can’t make a decision on taking his name

578 replies

PoptartBarry · 20/08/2024 12:08

Name change for this one (ha!)

I am getting married in one week and I still can’t make up my mind about changing my name. It’s driving me a bit mad so I want your opinions.

Have any of you changed your name and regretted it? Have any of you regretted NOT changing your name?

My surname is ‘foreign’ to English speakers, long and tricky for English speakers to pronounce so I’m not considering a double barrel. It would be too much!

Does anyone keep their maiden name at work and use their ‘married’ name in their private life? How do you feel about it now?

YABU = stop overthinking and change the name!

YANBU = no way, keep your own name!

Would love to hear your lived experiences.

OP posts:
HollaHolla · 20/08/2024 16:50

I genuinely struggle with the convention of women changing their name upon marriage. There is no other life event which changes your name like this - degree, professional qualification (can change your salutation/title - so, I'm Dr Holla Holla because of my PhD), becoming a parent, etc. So, I don't see why marrying in the late 20th, or in the 21st century, should do so. It's a bit of an affectation, as many other societies don't make this sort of change. I don't see the issue with having a different surname to your spouse. You will not be surprised to know I would never change mine.
(Don't get me onto the giving of your surname to your children...... 😂)

Tandora · 20/08/2024 16:51

MissAtomicBomb1 · 20/08/2024 15:46

Yes Mumsnet is like a parallel universe at times!

The implication on here is that you are odd or weird if you take your husband's name. Back in reality I only know a few people who haven't changed their names when they've married,

For what it's worth, I changed my name gradually. Firstly at work then once official documents etc needed renewing I changed them to my new name. Eased myself in gently!
I'm glad I did as I like having the same name as my children and the feeling that as a family we are connected by the same name. Not to mention the hassle it saves in terms of misunderstandings and not having to correct people, as unfortunately it is still assumed that you will share a surname.

You don’t have to change your name to have the same surname as your child

MissAtomicBomb1 · 20/08/2024 16:59

@CantHoldMeDown. A choice is a choice. You can't argue that one is a 'feminist' or better choice In the same way as being a SAHM, working PT/FT, having joint/separate finances etc are also different choices that women make.

Do we start telling women that they are anti feminist if they change their names, don't work FT, do more than half of the housework etc?

I think judging other women's choices isn't helpful,

Tandora · 20/08/2024 17:01

MissAtomicBomb1 · 20/08/2024 16:59

@CantHoldMeDown. A choice is a choice. You can't argue that one is a 'feminist' or better choice In the same way as being a SAHM, working PT/FT, having joint/separate finances etc are also different choices that women make.

Do we start telling women that they are anti feminist if they change their names, don't work FT, do more than half of the housework etc?

I think judging other women's choices isn't helpful,

Yeh it’s not feminist to change your name.

MissAtomicBomb1 · 20/08/2024 17:17

So every choice I make in my life, I need to have at the back or my mind 'am I making a feminist choice?' Regardless of whether it's the choice I actually want to make or whether it suits my own circumstances.
Right Gotcha Hmm
What a wild thread!

SouthLondonMum22 · 20/08/2024 17:18

I kept my name. The term ‘maiden name’ makes me shudder.

DS and DD’s have both of our last names.

CantHoldMeDown · 20/08/2024 17:19

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

GritGoes4th · 20/08/2024 17:20

Do as you please, and I agree that no immediate decision is necessary. You can change your name in a week or next year or after you have dc or never, whatever suits.

But do not change your name so that you will all have a 'family' name. Because this happens: after 10 years and 2 dc, you get divorced. You have 'his' name, same as dc. Then you meet someone new. Eventually want to get married. You consider changing your name - perhaps to your original surname or perhaps to new man's. But then you won't have the same name as the dc, which was your goal initially. And maybe your dc feel strongly about it. Your ex remarries and now there is another Mrs. Yourname. She's irritated that you still have 'his' name. Which makes him irritated that you have it. Which they let you know.

Point being, changing your name can open up a can of worms. You asked if people ever regret changing their name: yes, frequently. The chance of a marriage ending is pretty high, and it will inevitably bring up some mixed feelings about 'his' name.

I am not sure why anyone would regret NOT changing it. But everyone is different, every situation is different, so perhaps they do.

RamblingEclectic · 20/08/2024 17:27

My husband and I discussed various names in both of our family trees and ways to combine them and other options as well as talking with a few other people before deciding on one we would share. For the last couple of decades it's equally been both of our names.

We started the name discussions because I was the process of adding a new name and changing my entire name in legal paperwork. My birth certificate name and the one I was raised with where we part of the discussions, but they weren't considered beyond some combining things we briefly considered (not double barrelling, putting part of different names together). It was a natural part of my working towards my dreams of a new name in adulthood and our conversations on what we wanted going forward in life.

I don't really have any regrets, but I didn't really have much experience with the new names outside of the area we currently live with people I already knew before I started to use it as a community name so when I ran into some imaginative spellings and mispronunciations of a 2 syllable, 4 letter first name and a only slightly longer surname, it was a bit jarring. Not sure how better to prepare for that, but it would have been nice to have someone say that it's normal as I was happy to hear since. It is part of why some of my work is under a different name. I've had no issues with using different names for work and yes, another part is enjoying having different names in those areas that I can put aside.

Any name I've used is 100% mine, they are all me, whether it's the name given on my birth certificate, used for me as a child, one of the ones I've chosen for myself or chose with my husband. The whole idea that a woman "takes" a surname if she changes it at marriage rather than a couple or family shares a surname is a perspective I struggle with, but then I come from a background and family where changing names and adding on names with life changes, and having multiple names is part of life and not that unusual.

I do sometimes have issues with not using a title, which is legally not required and legally not considered part of our names, but some government departments and others struggle with going against the late Victorian ideal of everyone having a social title. These threads always bring out the debates on marital name change, but I find required titles - and the fact that all feminine social titles aren't even a full word in English, we need professional titles for that - far more hold up ideas of archaic propriety than optional name changes.

But what about having, say your passport in one name, driving license in another.Bank accounts with one name or the other

UK law allows people to use multiple names as legal names, and any name one is common known as can be treated as a legal name with or without ID in that name. Anyone can revert back to their birth certificate if they change it, though there are some questions around if one uses a statutory declaration to change it that you might need another to change it back as it involves formally stating you're not going to use that name anymore though there is no case law of that being enforced to my knowledge.

That said, some government departments will specify which name they will use - the Home Office will only use the name on a passport and barring very few circumstances requires all passports and IDs they issue to be in the same name. Other departments like HMRC do not care at all and you can change a name in a few minutes online with them. If there is a legal issue around multiple names, passport usually takes priority, along with longest used and/or most well known by. Birth certificate oddly doesn't in cases I know other than as evidence as longest used.

Due to this, at one point I had legal paperwork in three names and submitting immigration evidence in four. I never had an issue opening or using bank accounts, I used my passport in my birth certificate name to prove my identity on my bank accounts in different names and in fact, getting a provisional license in my current community name is what allowed me to update my US SSN which enabled me to update my passport 17 years after I'd changed my name. I only bothered because of the Home Office's policy as I wanted my naturalisation certificate to have the name I use in my daily life (they actually have both the birth certificate name and the current name, but I wanted the latter on it too).

whatsappdoc · 20/08/2024 17:31

SouthLondonMum22 · 20/08/2024 17:18

I kept my name. The term ‘maiden name’ makes me shudder.

DS and DD’s have both of our last names.

Me too. Birth name would be more accurate. That rare man who changes his name to his wife's upon marriage what does he call his birth surname? Previous name or family name probably, nothing twee like maiden name!

EnterFunnyNameHere · 20/08/2024 17:37

Changed my name when I got married. My DM had (reasonably) recently passed and DF got remarried a few months before me with his new wife taking his/our surname. I was struggling a fair bit at the time and really really didn't want the same name as DFs new wife basically! I have no regrets at all, but I know plenty of women on both sides of the decision and neither are a problem these days as far as I can see!

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 20/08/2024 17:39

This reply has been deleted

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

I guess it didn't ever really occur to me that I could!

MrTwatchester · 20/08/2024 17:42

MissAtomicBomb1 · 20/08/2024 17:17

So every choice I make in my life, I need to have at the back or my mind 'am I making a feminist choice?' Regardless of whether it's the choice I actually want to make or whether it suits my own circumstances.
Right Gotcha Hmm
What a wild thread!

You don't have to, you just don't get to claim your non-choice as a feminist one, post hoc.

The idea that every decision a woman makes is de facto feminist is a tenet of Liberal Feminism, and is a load of shite. Inevitably ends up propping up the patriarchy, while pretending that it was a free choice made in a vacuum.

Look at the knots women have tied themselves into in this thread trying to kid themselves that they made a free choice to take their husband's name. All the reasons it "just made sense", that somehow just didn't work the other way, in favour of their name. Over and over again.

MissAtomicBomb1 · 20/08/2024 18:04

@MrTwatchester If you had read all of my PPs then you'll see that I have once claimed I've made a feminist choice. Just a choice - not a non choice as I kept my name and changed it later.

The OP asked for a range of views which she has been given.
The thread has now been hijacked by a minority, including yourself who think you have the right to sneer at and denigrate the choices of others. I really don't understand how someone can be so invested in whether someone changes their name or not.

I'm bowing out now as it's not actually a constructive discussion. Just some self proclaimed feminists haranguing others.

Good luck with the wedding and whatever you decide OP.

IcedPurple · 20/08/2024 18:23

Have you suggested that he take your name?

StripeyDeckchair · 20/08/2024 18:28

Second marriage
Kept my name on both occasions - why would I change it? Its my name.

I have 4 children, 2 from each marriage. All of them have my surname.

Olika · 20/08/2024 18:39

I kept mine. We gave DD DH's surname and it doesn't bother me at all that mine is my maiden name.

wombat15 · 20/08/2024 18:51

mydogisthebest · 20/08/2024 14:54

No, I know my friends and family have almost all changed their name. One niece and one nephew have double barreled their names but that's it

What about your work colleagues, children's friends parents, aquaintances etc.

Woollypullover · 20/08/2024 19:01

Why have so many who've retained their name given their DC their DH's?

I kept my name, DC have mine. Never been a problem for DH.

Just wonder why the default seems to be to give DC their father's name?

wombat15 · 20/08/2024 19:33

Woollypullover · 20/08/2024 19:01

Why have so many who've retained their name given their DC their DH's?

I kept my name, DC have mine. Never been a problem for DH.

Just wonder why the default seems to be to give DC their father's name?

I don't think it is the default. I gave the DC DH's name because I didn't care if they had my name or not whereas he did. We would have probably given them double barreled names if we both cared but it would have been a mouth full. I did slightly regret it when I realised it could impact on travel but too late by then.

RosesAndHellebores · 20/08/2024 19:39

My maiden name was long and forrin
DH's is long and English, but charming
Had DH's name been something like Johncock or Pratt, I might not have changed.

My parents divorced in the early 70s. Only girl in the class with divorced parents. My mother remarried and some teachers seemed to take pleasure in reminding me she had a different name to me. It therefore became very important to me that the family all had the same name.

Allthegoodnamesaretaken92 · 20/08/2024 19:40

Don’t do it.

i have not changed my name and life is so much easier. I also like maintaining my individuality and not being absorbed into family/wife/mum.

even now filling in forms and I can skip the “previous names” section makes me a little bit happy. Did the kids passports recently and didn’t need my marriage certificate or other proof of name change.

Shinytaps · 20/08/2024 19:44

I changed my name and regret it! 15 years ago so too late to go back but seems mad now and I don’t know why I did it. It seemed the norm and everyone I know did it but I regret it. If you’re not sure - don’t do it!

ChallahPlaiter · 20/08/2024 19:46

If you were that bothered about the patriarchy you wouldn’t be getting married in the first place.
My original name was ugly and my father was horrible so I was happy to change on marriage. But I did it wrong (purposely) so I now have my husband’s mother’s name as well as his dad’s.

Peakpeakpeak · 20/08/2024 19:53

If you were that bothered about the patriarchy you wouldn’t be getting married in the first place.

Nah.

In this patriarchal society, if a woman is in partnership with a man and thinking of DC, as OP is, marriage is likely to better protect her than cohabitation. It's possible that OP is one of those women for whom it isn't. But in the absence of any information to the contrary, odds are she's not. Patriarchy loves it when women keep doing all the things that we get fucked over for but without the legal protections.

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