Can’t make a decision on taking his name

[PoptartBarry]

Name change for this one (ha!)

I am getting married in one week and I still can’t make up my mind about changing my name. It’s driving me a bit mad so I want your opinions.

Have any of you changed your name and regretted it? Have any of you regretted NOT changing your name?

My surname is ‘foreign’ to English speakers, long and tricky for English speakers to pronounce so I’m not considering a double barrel. It would be too much!

Does anyone keep their maiden name at work and use their ‘married’ name in their private life? How do you feel about it now?

YABU = stop overthinking and change the name!

YANBU = no way, keep your own name!

Would love to hear your lived experiences.

I changed mine because I wanted us to have the same name and his name was also his kids' name, so it would have been harder for him to change. Now it's our kid's name too. It's my name for life now.
If neither of you have kids you could keep your name for now and decide whether to change in a year's time or in the future if you plan to have children.

I changed my name but was the first in my family to. My mum, sisters and her sister in law (married to her brother) all kept their maiden names on being married.

I was quite early in my career when I got married so was happy to change it. I’ve been absolutely clear though that I will not be changing it in future, so if we divorce or if I remarry I will still keep my current married name.

I changed mine, but only because it was rather dull and his is much fancier. It wasn't borne out of matrimonial duty. Think "Smith" vs "Lovelace-d'Ascoyne" or something similar.

If I have a choice, I'll take the latter!

Me too. It's objectively weird but so are so many human rituals I guess.

I have never changed my birth name

And never call it my ‘maiden name’ as that term is is part of the patriarchal package IMO.

Dc have both our names, which reflect different national (and racial) heritages.

I know of two men who took their wives' surnames. Were quite desperate to, actually. Bot both live in a country with a bit of a cultural tension between two communities and were on the wrong side of the "acceptable" heritage.

I really liked the idea of DH, our child and I all having the same name, but felt very weird to take his family name. So we made a new one! I love it and it's special to us. Is that an option for you?

I never changed mine and I'm bloody happy I didn't now 20 years later when we are divorced. I also had a foreign name and changing it to a typical English name would have felt like I lost my nationality too in some weird way. My first name can be used in either country so without my surname nobody would be able to tell I wasn't British. It mattered to me.

I changed mine... eventually. Overseas wedding so hassle getting translated certificates etc.l, got round to it eventually. .. but never regretted it.
I like having the same name as my kids so didn't like the idea of double barrelling, and his name was much more interesting than mine.

@ABirdsEyeView
Just to add though that in Britain your name is always your name and using a married name is a social nicety which is legally allowed, but you aren't giving up any right to return to your original name. You can use both simultaneously and so whatever you do, doesn't have to be permanent. You are allowed to one for work and one for home, for example.

Not exactly. In France, where I live with my French husband it is the case that no matter what you choose, your "patronymic" : your father's name, is the one you keep your whole life. Married women have the option of being known by their husband's surname, but it is only ever " Jane SMITH épouse LECLERC" on legal documents (passport, when taking exams, writing a will: whatever), and if you get divorced and have made a career for yourself using your married name, your ex has to legally authorise you to keep using his name if you divorce.

In the UK you can call yourself whatever you like (his name, her name a third name you choose) but if you change your name to something else then you "lose" completely your "maiden" name: my sister in the UK has only her husband's name on her passport. Of course she would be entitled to go back to our family name, but also to change her name to something entirely different, because the UK is not fussed about keeping birth names in the way that France is.
So I kept my own name, even for work purposes, athough I could have been known as Mme LECLERC, there didn't seem much point. However, as when the DC were born it was not legally possible to give them my surname (the law has changed since then) I did what a PP did and gave them my surname as a middle name.
@PoptartBarry Could you simplify your foreign name a bit and take that as your new name, or choose a similar English one eg if you were Miss Lewinski you could become Mrs Lewis or Miss Koivukallionlehto become Mrs Kallion.

Don't know if this is a Scottish thing but we tend to say 'your own name' rather than 'your maiden name'. You're right, maiden name has patriarchal overtones.

Fun fact, Scottish graveyards are full of couples buried as 'James Smith, and his wife Jessie Campbell'. Jessie was almost certainly Mrs Smith in life, but is buried under her own name.

If you have children it’s nice to all have the same family name. Other than that consideration I think people put too much importance on this decision. Just choose which name sounds nicest and do what feels right.

Do you intensly dislike your name? Then indeed, marriage is a good option to get rid of it and start using something else. If you are perfectly happy with your name, then why even consider changing for no reason?

I changed mine, then when we got divorced I kept it as couldn't be arsed with the faff of changing my name everywhere AGAIN. Wish I'd just kept my original one tbh, although in fairness my name is better now and I don't consider it "his" anymore, it's mine.

Three pages in and still not a single post where the husband and kids have taken the woman's name. Loads of "I changed mine so it would be the same as our children", without even questioning why the kids got his name in the first place.

So depressing.

If I'd put my body through pregnancy and birth, I'd damn well be getting top billing.

I spent a huge amount of time considering this when I got married. My husband was fine with whatever I decided to do, but was also clear that he wouldn't be changing his name, which is fair enough and his right. In the end I kept my own name professionally (I'm well established in my career and didn't want to lose my client base) but use my married name outside of work. The big driver for me was having a single family surname when we had kids, and I've also come to like having different identities at home and at work - it's quite nice to 'take off' my professional hat at the end of the working week!

I half heartedly changed it for somethings then got pissed off a few years ago and reverted to my original name which I will be happy to use when we book to go away for silver wedding next year.

I decided to take my husband's name because I wasn't keen on my maiden name and it was the type of name that was easy to spell incorrectly. I haven't regretted it, the new name is more "normal" so less hassle really.
We now have 2 DC so easier that we all have the same name.
Whatever you decide is fine though.

I did take my ex's name and was really happy to do so at the time.
I kept my maiden name for work.
As the years passed, I wished I'd kept my maiden name. It's Indian and an important part of my identity. I am white, British and raised not knowing much about the Indian side of my family.

I couldn't wait to change back to my maiden name after my divorce (obviously it was for more reasons at that point).

My advice would be to do one or the other fully. It was a pain having my passport in my married name when I was travelling for work.

Not having the same name as my kids hasn't been an issue for me or them.

I double barrelled when I got married, children have both names too. Lots of women in professional careers use their own name for work.

I changed mine when we got married 12 years ago. Went from a name everyone could spell and pronounce to one they can't! I still don't regret it.

I did think long and hard about whether to buy fundamentally it came down to wanting our whole family to have the same name when we had kids. DH didn't want to double barrel and to be honest the names didn't combo very well anyway so I didn't care enough to push it.

I kept my own name. Never considered changing it. No regrets.