Page 18 | Can’t make a decision on taking his name

PoptartBarry · 2024-08-20T11:08:32+00:00

Name change for this one (ha!) I am getting married in one week and I still can’t make up my mind about changing my name. It’s driving me a bit mad so I want your opinions. Have any of you changed your name and regretted it? Have any of you regretted NOT changing your name? My surname is ‘foreign’ to English speakers, long and tricky for English speakers to pronounce so I’m not considering a double barrel. It would be too much! Does anyone keep their maiden name at work and use their ‘married’ name in their private life? How do you feel about it now? YABU = stop overthinking and change the name! YA*N*BU = no way, keep your own name! Would love to hear your lived experiences.

SparklyJadeFawn · 21/08/2024 21:01

blankittyblank · 20/08/2024 12:13

I didn't take my husbands name. Basically I'm not his property (which is what this weird tradition comes from) so no chance! My kids have both our surnames.

I don't understand this point.

But you are keeping your fathers name though? It shows that you are your fathers property?

In Spain children take both mothers and fathers surname.

In the UK we just take the fathers surname

CantHoldMeDown · 21/08/2024 21:04

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

SparklyJadeFawn · 21/08/2024 21:04

eurochick · 20/08/2024 12:16

I never considered changing my name and find it odd that anyone still does in 2024.

Why on earth would you find it odd? Many peopls have many different circumstances and you should have empathy for other people.

I absolutely would change my surname on marriage

I currently have my father's surname.

My father didn't speak to me since I was five years old after he met a new woman. I feel no attachment at all to my current surname. In fact I don't like it.

When I get married I will change my surname from my abusive fathers surname to the surname of my husband, a man who loves me.

Why wouldn't I do that? A lot of people didn't have a good father

SparklyJadeFawn · 21/08/2024 21:06

I can't really understand women who think it's old fashioned to take their husbands name,

But don't think it's old fashioned to take their fathers name! (Not their mother)

Peakpeakpeak · 21/08/2024 21:06

SparklyJadeFawn · 21/08/2024 21:01

I don't understand this point.

But you are keeping your fathers name though? It shows that you are your fathers property?

In Spain children take both mothers and fathers surname.

In the UK we just take the fathers surname

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No.

She's keeping her own name. If her name is her father's, then her DH doesn't get his own either. In fact neither does her dad.

Either we all have our own surnames, or they don't belong to anyone whose father had them before them. It's one or the other, can't have it both ways.

SparklyJadeFawn · 21/08/2024 21:10

Peakpeakpeak · 21/08/2024 21:06

No.

She's keeping her own name. If her name is her father's, then her DH doesn't get his own either. In fact neither does her dad.

Either we all have our own surnames, or they don't belong to anyone whose father had them before them. It's one or the other, can't have it both ways.

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You're not making sense though.

How is it her own name, when it was her fathers name.

Also , you and I are both aware that children in the UK are traditionally given the fathers name.

For some weird reason.

The mother is disrespected

Izzymoon · 21/08/2024 21:10

@SparklyJadeFawn *I don't understand this point.

But you are keeping your fathers name though? It shows that you are your fathers property?*

My name is my name, it is not anyone else’s name more than mine just because they might happen to share it.
A name you have since birth is not the same as changing it. You are given a name when you are born, it’s always yours. By changing it due to marriage you are taking someone else’s. It’s not the same.

blankittyblank · 21/08/2024 21:13

@SparklyJadeFawn my mum took my dad's name because she had a foreign surname and was worried we'd be singled out (this was in the 70s) Also, it was just what you did then anyway. I doubt aside from that either of them have it much thought.
But irrespective of why I got my name in the first place, the world is different place now. We're more enlightened. The reason women take the man's name is because traditionally you become their property. Fuck keeping that tradition alive.

SparklyJadeFawn · 21/08/2024 21:13

Izzymoon · 21/08/2024 21:10

@SparklyJadeFawn *I don't understand this point.

But you are keeping your fathers name though? It shows that you are your fathers property?*

My name is my name, it is not anyone else’s name more than mine just because they might happen to share it.
A name you have since birth is not the same as changing it. You are given a name when you are born, it’s always yours. By changing it due to marriage you are taking someone else’s. It’s not the same.

Edited

Ridiculous. Your name didn't pop out of thin air.

Lets say that you have your dads surname (you havent specified ). But lets say it is so.
in that case Your surname is your dad's surname and not your mother's Surname

And you were given that surname precisely because there is sexism in giving children surnames.

It's not just your name, like it appears on your head out of thin air.

your surname was given to you because of sexist and patriarchal traditions.

The fathers surname was respected over the mothers

Peakpeakpeak · 21/08/2024 21:14

SparklyJadeFawn · 21/08/2024 21:10

You're not making sense though.

How is it her own name, when it was her fathers name.

Also , you and I are both aware that children in the UK are traditionally given the fathers name.

For some weird reason.

The mother is disrespected

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How is it her father's name then? After all, his dad probably had it before him too.

You're wrong about DC traditionally having the father's name in the UK though. Actually, the tradition you're talking about involves children being given the mother's name. It's just that usually that was the same name as the father. The pp was correct to point this out. Kids getting the dad's name when the mother's is different is actually a fairly recent thing to happen in the UK as a whole.

SparklyJadeFawn · 21/08/2024 21:18

Peakpeakpeak · 21/08/2024 21:14

How is it her father's name then? After all, his dad probably had it before him too.

You're wrong about DC traditionally having the father's name in the UK though. Actually, the tradition you're talking about involves children being given the mother's name. It's just that usually that was the same name as the father. The pp was correct to point this out. Kids getting the dad's name when the mother's is different is actually a fairly recent thing to happen in the UK as a whole.

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Her dad has his father's name too.
The name was passed down the male line.

I have my father's surname.
My father had his father's surname.

None of us Had our mother's surname.

I remember questioning this when I was young. I didn't want my dad's surname. I wanted to change it to my mother's surname

Ive actually tried to change my name to my mums surname when I was an adult and it was so hard that I gave up. Eg the bank wanted me to go in to the bank in person with forms to name change on my account and I could never get the time off work.

wombat15 · 21/08/2024 21:18

Peakpeakpeak · 21/08/2024 21:14

How is it her father's name then? After all, his dad probably had it before him too.

You're wrong about DC traditionally having the father's name in the UK though. Actually, the tradition you're talking about involves children being given the mother's name. It's just that usually that was the same name as the father. The pp was correct to point this out. Kids getting the dad's name when the mother's is different is actually a fairly recent thing to happen in the UK as a whole.

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Yes, it is certainly the tradition to give children the mother,'s name. Before DNA testing that is the only parent they could be certain about.

Peakpeakpeak · 21/08/2024 21:22

SparklyJadeFawn · 21/08/2024 21:18

Her dad has his father's name too.
The name was passed down the male line.

I have my father's surname.
My father had his father's surname.

None of us Had our mother's surname.

I remember questioning this when I was young. I didn't want my dad's surname. I wanted to change it to my mother's surname

Ive actually tried to change my name to my mums surname when I was an adult and it was so hard that I gave up. Eg the bank wanted me to go in to the bank in person with forms to name change on my account and I could never get the time off work.

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So if her dad has his father's name too, why did you refer to it as the dad's name? What about the husband, since he's probably got the same one as his dad, too? In fact, why do any of the dads get their own name? It's a double standard. If you're going to tell a woman she doesn't have her own name because it's the same as her father, you need to do the same for all the men too.

TowerRavenSeven · 21/08/2024 21:26

I took my dh’s name only because to my knowledge no one - ever - except family ever got the pronunciation of my maiden name right. I have better luck with his.

SparklyJadeFawn · 21/08/2024 21:27

Peakpeakpeak · 21/08/2024 21:22

So if her dad has his father's name too, why did you refer to it as the dad's name? What about the husband, since he's probably got the same one as his dad, too? In fact, why do any of the dads get their own name? It's a double standard. If you're going to tell a woman she doesn't have her own name because it's the same as her father, you need to do the same for all the men too.

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I can and will do the same for the men too. I already did

She has her dad's surname.
And her husband also has his dads surname.

Their surname is the same name as their fathers , not their mother's original surname.

Thats fact.

I'm looking at myself now.

I have my father surname . I dont have my mother's surname.

That's true for a lot of us

Peakpeakpeak · 21/08/2024 21:29

SparklyJadeFawn · 21/08/2024 21:27

I can and will do the same for the men too. I already did

She has her dad's surname.
And her husband also has his dads surname.

Their surname is the same name as their fathers , not their mother's original surname.

Thats fact.

I'm looking at myself now.

I have my father surname . I dont have my mother's surname.

That's true for a lot of us

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You didn't do that when you told @blankittyblank that she wasn't keeping her own name she was keeping her father's. Which is the problem. It's a double standard. That's why you don't understand. And if she doesn't get her own surname, your dad doesn't either.

Either everyone has their own name, or nobody does if anyone had it before them. It's not one rule for men and one for women.

SparklyJadeFawn · 21/08/2024 21:35

Peakpeakpeak · 21/08/2024 21:29

You didn't do that when you told @blankittyblank that she wasn't keeping her own name she was keeping her father's. Which is the problem. It's a double standard. That's why you don't understand. And if she doesn't get her own surname, your dad doesn't either.

Either everyone has their own name, or nobody does if anyone had it before them. It's not one rule for men and one for women.

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Christ how are you not getting it.

I said she has her fathers surname and her husband also has his fathers surname. The surname is passed down the male line.

How are you not getting that?

SparklyJadeFawn · 21/08/2024 21:37

Peakpeakpeak · 21/08/2024 21:29

You didn't do that when you told @blankittyblank that she wasn't keeping her own name she was keeping her father's. Which is the problem. It's a double standard. That's why you don't understand. And if she doesn't get her own surname, your dad doesn't either.

Either everyone has their own name, or nobody does if anyone had it before them. It's not one rule for men and one for women.

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The surname is passed from the male side.

That has been tradition in the UK.

I have my father's surname.
If I deedpoll my surname to my mothers surname which I would like to do and I will get around to doing it one day, I will have my mother's surname

There is history linked to surnames.

The surname that i currently have links back through my dad's side of the family.

I would like to change my surname to my mums surname as I feel more of a connection to her and also to her side of the family. A lot of people on her side of their family have her surname

wombat15 · 21/08/2024 21:44

SparklyJadeFawn · 21/08/2024 21:37

The surname is passed from the male side.

That has been tradition in the UK.

I have my father's surname.
If I deedpoll my surname to my mothers surname which I would like to do and I will get around to doing it one day, I will have my mother's surname

There is history linked to surnames.

The surname that i currently have links back through my dad's side of the family.

I would like to change my surname to my mums surname as I feel more of a connection to her and also to her side of the family. A lot of people on her side of their family have her surname

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You have your mother's surname. It just happens to be the same as your father's as she changed it on marriage.

SparklyJadeFawn · 21/08/2024 21:53

wombat15 · 21/08/2024 21:44

You have your mother's surname. It just happens to be the same as your father's as she changed it on marriage.

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No I don't. She doesn't feel its her surname either. She feels it's my dad's surname and that she took it as she felt rushed at the time.
She also wanted to go back to her maiden name but the paperwork involved stopped her. Changing her Bank accounts and passport Etc.

Allthegoodnamesaretaken92 · 21/08/2024 22:21

SparklyJadeFawn · 21/08/2024 21:04

Why on earth would you find it odd? Many peopls have many different circumstances and you should have empathy for other people.

I absolutely would change my surname on marriage

I currently have my father's surname.

My father didn't speak to me since I was five years old after he met a new woman. I feel no attachment at all to my current surname. In fact I don't like it.

When I get married I will change my surname from my abusive fathers surname to the surname of my husband, a man who loves me.

Why wouldn't I do that? A lot of people didn't have a good father

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While I understand your logic, I still find it odd that this only applies to women.

women change their name because their father was abusive/difficult to spell/foreign/ugly.

men don’t seem to have the same issues. 99% of men don’t have lovely dads/nice easy to spell English names, yet it never occurs to them to change their names. Like you say, a lot of people don’t have a good father, but it’s only women that change their names because of it. I doubt it’s only women that don’t have good fathers.

what if your future husband’s dad is abusive. Would you still be happy to take his name? It’s just changing from one abusive man to another. Why do you assume men don’t have the same issues and don’t want to change their names?

when men change their names at the same rate as women then it’s different. While it’s only women that change their names then it’s just excuses.

also if you hate your surname that much why wait till marriage? Do a deed poll and change it to something you like now.

Youthiswastedontheyoung · 21/08/2024 22:27

Hubby and I both added on. If he had said he wasn't going to do that I wouldn't have either. So we're Mr and Ms D-B. Both the same.

SparklyJadeFawn · 21/08/2024 22:29

Allthegoodnamesaretaken92 · 21/08/2024 22:21

While I understand your logic, I still find it odd that this only applies to women.

women change their name because their father was abusive/difficult to spell/foreign/ugly.

men don’t seem to have the same issues. 99% of men don’t have lovely dads/nice easy to spell English names, yet it never occurs to them to change their names. Like you say, a lot of people don’t have a good father, but it’s only women that change their names because of it. I doubt it’s only women that don’t have good fathers.

what if your future husband’s dad is abusive. Would you still be happy to take his name? It’s just changing from one abusive man to another. Why do you assume men don’t have the same issues and don’t want to change their names?

when men change their names at the same rate as women then it’s different. While it’s only women that change their names then it’s just excuses.

also if you hate your surname that much why wait till marriage? Do a deed poll and change it to something you like now.

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I didn't ever assume that men don't have the same issues though.

And I have also said that I would change my surname to my mother's surname.

I would change my name to the name of anyone that I loved. I didn't love my father

My first choice is that i would prefer to change my surname to my mothers surname as I love her.
If I met a man in the future and I really loved him. I also wouldn't mind taking his surname as I love him.

If he hated his father and was really unhappy with his surname and didn't want his surname. Then we could create a new surname altogether.

Celebrities make up brand new surnames all the time

Youthiswastedontheyoung · 21/08/2024 22:31

@SparklyJadeFawn Why don't you change your surname now?

SparklyJadeFawn · 21/08/2024 22:33

Allthegoodnamesaretaken92 · 21/08/2024 22:21

While I understand your logic, I still find it odd that this only applies to women.

women change their name because their father was abusive/difficult to spell/foreign/ugly.

men don’t seem to have the same issues. 99% of men don’t have lovely dads/nice easy to spell English names, yet it never occurs to them to change their names. Like you say, a lot of people don’t have a good father, but it’s only women that change their names because of it. I doubt it’s only women that don’t have good fathers.

what if your future husband’s dad is abusive. Would you still be happy to take his name? It’s just changing from one abusive man to another. Why do you assume men don’t have the same issues and don’t want to change their names?

when men change their names at the same rate as women then it’s different. While it’s only women that change their names then it’s just excuses.

also if you hate your surname that much why wait till marriage? Do a deed poll and change it to something you like now.

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Your last point, you said why don't I change my surname right now. They don't make it easy to change your name!

Because I would have to take time off work to change my name. @nd I have very little annual leave left

I asked my bank abput changing my name on my account.

To change a name on a bank account you can't do it online, you have to make an appointment and go into the bank with proof of your new name.

I have three bank accounts. And I don't have the time to change them all right now.

Then I will have to also update the name on my passport, which would take ages To come back

And I have to travel on my passport soon