Page 4 | To ask if you couldn't imagine leaving your baby and then young dc with strangers?

imisscashmere · 20/08/2024 11:47

lolly792 · 20/08/2024 11:39

What a nasty judgemental thread.

My children went to nursery from a very young age, pre-verbal, as Mat leave was only a few months long when I had babies. Even now with a year long leave, babies aren't going to be talking when mums return to work. Some parents don't have a choice as they need to work, some want to retain their careers . And guess what? - these parents love their children just as much as SAHP do!

My 3 kids are now adults, happy, well adjusted and successful - and that's what matters.

@A2J it's very sad that you suffered abuse; I wonder if one of its impacts is that you have become very judgemental of other mothers, and don't understand that they may be making different choices to you but ones which are just as good and valid. Perhaps a lack of confidence stemming from your abuse has meant you actually feel very little choice about your own situation and enabling your children to be looked after in different situations.

Whatever way, please try not to be so unpleasant about others. We are all raising our children with love and care into the best adults they can be - we don't all have to do it as a carbon copy of you.

How has the OP been unpleasant about others?! They literally just asked if anybody else felt they same as they did. Turns out, some people do.

Where is the nasty judgement? I think you’re projecting.

SquashPenguin · 20/08/2024 11:49

Confusionn · 20/08/2024 10:53

My dd has just started nursery at 3years and 4 months old. This is absolutely the right age. I could explain to her what was happening and she fully understood and also I can ask her about her day and she replies, and most importantly I ask her if she wants to go back and she says yes.
None of those things are possible before the age of 3. Babies in nurseries are a huge no no for me, and before anyone wheels out the "I have got to work" card there are very few people that are actually better off after paying the astronomical childcare fees. Few will admit they just prefer the break.

My baby will be going to nursery at 7 months because we will be financially better off if she does. I can't afford my mortgage on maternity pay. Childcare costs aren't anywhere near 'astronomical' where I live.

Demonhunter · 20/08/2024 11:51

What's the weather like up there on your self awarded pedestal @A2J

Original poster

A2J · 20/08/2024 11:51

@imisscashmere to be fair I did post in IABU? So I deserve a bit of flack. I can take it I'm all for debate. And also for learning. I'm finding these views interesting.

Mn is somewhere where we can voice things we may dare not ever say to even our closest friends. If people want to attack me and call me goady so be it. Maybe I have come across that way? But if people are reacting strongly why? I'm just someone who couldn't have left my tiny babies with people I wasn't close to. I did bf too which would have made it difficult. But I couldn't have done it. I didn't get help from dm. Rare babysitting from dsis and pils.

Some feel the same it seems. Most don't.

OP posts:

Mickey79 · 20/08/2024 11:52

Women give their own and others choices far too much headspace.

Peonies12 · 20/08/2024 11:52

What's the point in your thread? just to bash us parents (well mothers) who work - whether out of choice, necessity or a combination? My baby is well taken care of by professionals whilst I work to pay our mortgage, bills and buy food, alongside having some much needed time at work which benefits my mental health and my parenting. Everyone's choice is valid - you are not better because you didn't use childcare.

TimetoPour · 20/08/2024 11:53

FFS OP, read the room.

You’ve come on to a forum full of mums, many who HAVE to go to work to keep a roof over their heads and food in their tummies. Lots don’t have the luxury to stay at home or families that want or able to help. All threads like this do is make them feel shit- all to boost your superiority complex. Way to go.

Original poster

A2J · 20/08/2024 11:53

@Demonhunter it's better than yesterday. I'm going to jump down and have a walk out seen as I'm off work.

OP posts:

lolly792 · 20/08/2024 11:53

@imisscashmere I suggest you read the thread if you don't believe the OP is being judgemental!

The OP writes about people using nurseries because they don't like being a parent, people preferring work to being a parent (wtaf?!) ..... and then the usual condescending 'of course, I'm so lucky, some parents don't have a choice .....'
Though ironically, it seems that sadly the OP didn't feel she had a choice about how to parent due to being a victim of abuse. That's really awful but unfortunately it seems to have made her very judgemental about others.

IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos · 20/08/2024 11:53

We couldn't afford for both of us to not be working, DHs parents are too old to look after a small child for full days and mine live too far away. So that meant nursery at 11 months old.

Did I want to? Not really. Did I deal with it because she needs a roof over her head more than three days of the week not with "strangers"? Yes.

It's hard. But sometimes necessary. Don't shame us for it just because you don't want to do it.

Northby · 20/08/2024 11:55

A2J · 20/08/2024 11:06

@OrangeSlices998 I actually know people who prefer working to looking after dcs. Not many thank goodness.

It’s the responses like this, which may you come across as being rude, OP.

I prefer working to looking after my DC full time. Is that an issue?

I’m absolutely positive that if I was a man, then no one would bat an eye lid at that statement.

This thread is full of good old fashioned misogynistic thinking!

Iwasafool · 20/08/2024 11:55

Confusionn · 20/08/2024 10:53

My dd has just started nursery at 3years and 4 months old. This is absolutely the right age. I could explain to her what was happening and she fully understood and also I can ask her about her day and she replies, and most importantly I ask her if she wants to go back and she says yes.
None of those things are possible before the age of 3. Babies in nurseries are a huge no no for me, and before anyone wheels out the "I have got to work" card there are very few people that are actually better off after paying the astronomical childcare fees. Few will admit they just prefer the break.

What a horrible judgemental post. Have you thought that some forms of abuse a 3 year old wouldn't even know what was happening. Pervert with a camera set up in the toilets for example, sitting on teachers lap while teacher seems a bit fidgety and distracted, this happened to my DH and he said it was only years later that he realised the teacher was masturbating..

We all have to take chances with our children but I don't think you are particularly amazing as you kept them at home till 3.

IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos · 20/08/2024 11:55

A2J · 20/08/2024 10:57

@Confusionn a lot say their career would suffer. That's mostly why. Although some really don't like being parents and dcs are probably better off in nursery tbh.
And some have big mortgages etc. I'd rather live in the little house we had then.

Just adding from my last post. Some of us live in "little houses" too, and still have no choice but to send them to nursery, financially.

You might not think you're putting other mums down with this, but you are by saying you can't imagine how it could be done. It's done because that's the best course of action for that family.

TealSapphire · 20/08/2024 11:56

I think OP is feeling guilty that she didn't home school her kids, but is comforting herself with the fact that she's still a better parent than many because she never 'left her child with a stranger'.

Part of being an adult, and a parent, is doing what's best for your family. We all have regrets but I think we just make the best choices we can at the time with the information we have and in our particular situation.

Some parents choose to stay at home with their kids because they want to and can afford to, some do because they can't afford child care or they're in an abusive relationship, and some parents just don't want to work but dress it up as being 'what's best for their kids' so they can stay home.

Some parents work because they need to financially, others have a job they love, or just do not want to be at home with the kids 24/7 and need a break.

All perfectly valid choices and just families doing what they need to do. It's not rocket science and you're not the Oracle OP.

Maria1979 · 20/08/2024 11:56

A2J · 20/08/2024 10:40

As in nursery/childminder etc?
I was OK once they could talk but before that I couldn't have left them with anyone except very close friends (female) or family.

It probably stems from my own childhood although any abuse I experienced was when older. Weird friends of my parents.

Luckily I was bolshy and stuck up for myself. More than I can say for my parents.

I couldn't and I'm happy I didn't until my DCs were 3 y old. Even if we say that all nursey staff are qualified (not all are) and that they are fantastic they still have too many children to deal with. The thought of my DC standing crying in a corner because noone available to comfort him would break my heart. I have worked in a nursery when younger and I know that I was stressed out having to leave some crying while changing diaper on another etc etc. One woman was not tender with the small ones (no abuse but cold and distant) but always lovely with the parents so they thought she was great. Children under 3 are extremely vulnerable because they can not tell you if something is off...

Demonhunter · 20/08/2024 11:57

A2J · 20/08/2024 11:53

@Demonhunter it's better than yesterday. I'm going to jump down and have a walk out seen as I'm off work.

Good for you, some people actually become self employed so they could be home AND work and not even rely on family members. I think that pedestal looking down on yours will be having even better weather.

IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos · 20/08/2024 11:58

Confusionn · 20/08/2024 10:53

My dd has just started nursery at 3years and 4 months old. This is absolutely the right age. I could explain to her what was happening and she fully understood and also I can ask her about her day and she replies, and most importantly I ask her if she wants to go back and she says yes.
None of those things are possible before the age of 3. Babies in nurseries are a huge no no for me, and before anyone wheels out the "I have got to work" card there are very few people that are actually better off after paying the astronomical childcare fees. Few will admit they just prefer the break.

My DD can tell me about her day and she's younger than your child. She can tell me what she's done, who was there, what they've eaten, if someone did something (so n so pushed me, etc.).

It's the right age for you and your child. Not everyone is the same.

lolly792 · 20/08/2024 11:58

** The OP has just written:

I'm just someone who couldn't have left my tiny babies with people I wasn't close to. I did bf too which would have made it difficult. But I couldn't have done it.

Well clearly she managed to give up work and still have a roof over her head and food on the table. Perhaps she would have found that she could actually have learnt to use childcare if it was necessary. Oh and thousands of mums continue to bf long after their children are in childcare. My own children kept bf until they were toddlers!

Nanny0gg · 20/08/2024 11:58

A2J · 20/08/2024 10:57

@Confusionn a lot say their career would suffer. That's mostly why. Although some really don't like being parents and dcs are probably better off in nursery tbh.
And some have big mortgages etc. I'd rather live in the little house we had then.

You are being very judgemental and sanctimonious.

With no thought for the parents who really didn't have ANY choice.

LeopardPrint12 · 20/08/2024 11:58

Many nurseries are running on the bare minimum of qualified staff so I don't assume they are all trained and professional childcarers in the slightest.
I would go for a childminder every time.

Original poster

A2J · 20/08/2024 11:59

@TimetoPour I've read the room and I'm in the minority which as I've said I already suspected. Anyone is welcome to read a thread title and not read on or post. Which I do on many many threads.

Why people are reacting so strongly to my life choice is their business. I'm glad it's not just me who feels this way.

OP posts:

Original poster

A2J · 20/08/2024 12:03

@Demonhunter who says I'm not self employed?

Anyway am off out. Have a lovely day everyone.

OP posts:

Demonhunter · 20/08/2024 12:04

A2J · 20/08/2024 12:03

@Demonhunter who says I'm not self employed?

Anyway am off out. Have a lovely day everyone.

You said yourself you didn't work with kids, so you did.

CoffeeNeededorWine · 20/08/2024 12:04

@A2J

I think you’re going to get a lot of heat for this. I, like no one else wants to leave their child in nursery but how the hell do you expect me to work?!

IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos · 20/08/2024 12:05

A2J · 20/08/2024 11:59

@TimetoPour I've read the room and I'm in the minority which as I've said I already suspected. Anyone is welcome to read a thread title and not read on or post. Which I do on many many threads.

Why people are reacting so strongly to my life choice is their business. I'm glad it's not just me who feels this way.

Read back some of your own posts as if you were someone who had no choice but to go to work to keep a roof over your kids head.

Or as if you were someone who had worked incredibly hard for many years to get to where you were in your career, and to stop working to be a SAHM would have meant you couldn't get your foot back in the door later.

Or as someone who is living in a tiny house and working their ass off to provide for a family, but sees you saying "I can't imagine why people would work when they could be home with their children. Thank goodness it's not too many".

You sound sanctimonious and judgemental.

I don't care if you're a career woman or a SAHM. Genuinely happy for anyone who is doing what's best for them. But you have made a thread judging people who's choices differ from yours. That's why people react.