To ask if you couldn't imagine leaving your baby and then young dc with strangers?

[A2J]

As in nursery/childminder etc?
I was OK once they could talk but before that I couldn't have left them with anyone except very close friends (female) or family.

It probably stems from my own childhood although any abuse I experienced was when older. Weird friends of my parents.

Luckily I was bolshy and stuck up for myself. More than I can say for my parents.

What an unpleasant set of posts @A2J. It’s a pity you need to validate your (perfectly valid) choices by putting other people down for their (also perfectly valid) choices.

Both kids started childcare at 9 months old. The second was maybe harder as he was still breastfeeding. They both seem to enjoy the childcare though and I trusted the adults.

The nursery staff weren’t strangers. We visited several times before they started and they had settling in sessions with me. The staff were fully qualified, knew first aid and had an outstanding ofsted report. I would never leave them with a stranger at such a young age.

We got to know the staff at my sons small nursery very well in the tester days and then I had lots of communication whilst he was there in the day, and lots of chatting at pickup. He was looked after by the same two women for the first year. So they really weren’t ‘strangers’?

And they’re much better qualified than grandparents would be, even if you have helpful healthy ones who can help with childcare (which we don’t).

I find it so unhealthy that people straight up refuse to leave their children with anyone, what would you do in an emergency?

I left my children with close family and friends that I knew well. I don't know anyone who never left their child with anyone.

I left mine at nursery as I had to, but I chose nursery over childminder as I thought better cp procedures would be in place including cctv, windows in doors to changing room eg.

This is such a goady thread. Trashing working mums again - there's at least 1 a week of these and frankly it's getting boring!

I genuinely didn't feel guilty at all.

I chose a nursery that I thought was high quality and well run. The staff weren't strangers to me for long.

We both earn well - so I could have been a SAHM or my DH a SAHD but neither of us wanted to and I really don't feel bad about that at all. I love my kids but I don't want to look after them 24/7.

If someone wants to be a SAHP and enjoys it, that's great for them, I am not judgemental at all about their choices.

My children went to a wonderful childminder from 10 months/ 12 months respectively. She is a warm, loving woman - a mum herself to similar age children. I spent time in her home with them and we got on well. They adored her and always went in happily and didn't want to leave (her garden was a kids paradise!)
DC are older now but we're still in touch.

Can I admit that way back in the day I used to be a bit sanctimonious about this issue (internally)? I'm admitting it so I can help explain some reasons why I came to that.

1. My own experience with my mother going back to work and how it didn't change things for the better. It was a bit traumatic to be honest. This was a huge block in my life really.
2. Lack of diverse life experience and a full view that it really wasn't always something someone could choose, even if they wanted to.
3. I'm probably ND and saw things a bit black and white. I've grown as a person and see things more in shades of grey now.
4. Complete naivety as to the precarious position I was putting myself in as a woman and mother financially. I was just lucky.

I don't regret having been with my children and I think it was the best decision for us, but I should have been less black and white about the issue. It was right for me and I do think that it's ideal for children under 3 to be with a parent, but I recognise that not everyone is me, wants the same things or has the same choices.

I think it would also have helped to have a parent who taught me that there could be in between options (like working very part-time) and that it was okay to do that. I don't think I'd have chosen differently given my time again, but I would have done more to ensure my employ ability in those days, just in case.

In the end, we're all just doing the best we can and there can be many paths to being a good parent.

We all have choices some harder than others. Maybe mine would have been better off in nursery? I just would have struggled when they were tiny.

So it's actually about your feelings, not about what benefits or doesn’t benefit your dc?

What a ridiculous thread 🙄🙄 of course if you don’t want to leave your children with ‘strangers’ OP that’s absolutely fine. I had to leave my children at 9 months in order to go to work and keep a roof over our head. Where is your evidence that most people would be financially better off being stay at home mums and that they just don’t want to admit they want a break because we would have defaulted on our mortgage if I hadn’t gone back to work. And the poster that says older is definitely the right age for nurseries etc - yes in your opinion, you can’t make a blanket statement that what you have done is applicable to everyone else. I can’t believe I’m even replying to this thread because it’s goady AF.

I didn't realise I'd put anyone down? I actually know people who prefer working if that's what you mean? And I did prefer living in a small house and living within our means. But if a single mother had to work that's totally understandable. And if a woman's career will fail if she became a sahm then that's understandable too. But I wondered if anyone else felt like me. Some do. In the minority which I expected.
If anyone feels guilty about their choices then that's part of being a parent. I feel guilty about mine. When the placenta comes out they insert the guilt.

I'm glad so many are happy with their choices and found great childcare.
I also agree nursery is often better than worn out gps. But that's a different topic.

So what do you do about your job and pension etc while you're sitting at home until your child reaches the magical age of 3 years and 4 months? Do you think employers will be delighted to just take you back when you decide your child is old enough for daycare?

This may have been absolutely the right age and right decision for you and your family.

But we are not all the same and we don't all live the same lives in the same circumstances.

For the OP and for you it is great that you were able to make the decisions that work for your situation, history, lifestyle etc. Isn't it great that safe, trained professional childcare exists in order that those for whom their DC staying home until 3 years 4 months (1 week 3 hours and 21 seconds?) wasn't the best thing. Perhaps because it would have been difficult to take that time out of a career and return after a gap. Perhaps because they were a single parent and would have lost secure accommodation if they didn't work, perhaps because they find their work fulfilling and having that separate time enables them to be a better parent. Perhaps they are ill, or a carer for a relative and their child thrives on the socialisation and activities that nursery provides for them.

Walk a mile in someone else's shoes before proclaiming that there is one right way (that happens to be your way).

OP you sound like a fabulous parent - unfortunately data post lockdown shows that preschool aged children suffered from a lack of parenting input in general - slower talkers, slower to potty train.
I'm a childminder - and a home educator - I've never had to leave my kids with someone else so I'm on the other side of the fence. What I will say is all my parents say that their little ones (2 +) go past my house wanting to go in at the weekends, they all go away with a huge cuddle and arrive the same way. Some people want to leave their kids and some have no choice but all the kids are cherished, cuddled to sleep when needed, sit all day on my knee if needed. Your childcare provider is only a stranger for a short time - and sadly the abuse you suffered as a child was by someone your parents thought they knew (if I'm reading your post correctly).

@Powderpudding most people are definitely not financially better off. Parents (usually dms),careers often suffer when they take years off.

What a nasty judgemental thread.

My children went to nursery from a very young age, pre-verbal, as Mat leave was only a few months long when I had babies. Even now with a year long leave, babies aren't going to be talking when mums return to work. Some parents don't have a choice as they need to work, some want to retain their careers . And guess what? - these parents love their children just as much as SAHP do!

My 3 kids are now adults, happy, well adjusted and successful - and that's what matters.

@A2J it's very sad that you suffered abuse; I wonder if one of its impacts is that you have become very judgemental of other mothers, and don't understand that they may be making different choices to you but ones which are just as good and valid. Perhaps a lack of confidence stemming from your abuse has meant you actually feel very little choice about your own situation and enabling your children to be looked after in different situations.

Whatever way, please try not to be so unpleasant about others. We are all raising our children with love and care into the best adults they can be - we don't all have to do it as a carbon copy of you.

The whole no-leaving-my-child with ‘strangers’ thing is such a recent phenomenon though. British society is so much less inter-generational than it was say 50+ years ago where all kinds of people would’ve had a role in upbringing, albeit it informal. As children, we just meet far fewer grownups than our grandparents would’ve done.

So, yes, I have to leave my child with ‘strangers.’ Their alternate name is ‘fully-qualified early years practitioners who love and nurture my child.’ A relative who likes to shame me for it forgets that she has a parent on tap for when she wants to go to the gym or the salon or have a lie-in. She gets plenty of breaks from her children. You can be grateful for the way your village has fallen without making women in a less fortunate position than you feel like crap.

@Motomum23 you sound like one of my old friends from the school gates. Dcs adored her. Some child minders weren't so nice. One even slated the vicar's baby for not walking by 1 ffs! She was awful. Definitely shouldn't have been a childminder.

The other thing to add is that, for me, our family choices have been about all of us, not just about the children.

I didn't go back to work because I thought it was best for the kids. I didn't think it was a bad thing for the kids but primarily I went back because I wanted to. And I am not ashamed of that. I would have been miserable giving up work and I matter too.

And this isn't intended as a dig at anyone else, I'm really unbothered what other women do, if it makes you happy to be at home with your kids, that's great

The OP just asked if other people felt the same as her, and couldn’t imagine doing it.

If that makes people feel inferior, they have their own issues going on! It’s just a question. Are we not allowed to ask how people feel about things?

I get this. At no point did anyone tell me I mattered too. I made decisions to stay at home because I did what I thought was best for the kids. I don't regret it but was definitely under a 'you're a mother now, the kids come first always' kind of upbringing myself. I am happy with my choices and do think it was best for all of us, I just think it would have been good to feel like I had choices. Even if it was just that it's okay to go out to a hobby group once a month or something.

I think the only thing I'd change is being more mindful of keeping up my employ ability. As it was, even after many years, I had no problem with that issue in the end, but I should have been more mindful of myself in that regard. I wouldn't change the decision to SAH.