To ask if you couldn't imagine leaving your baby and then young dc with strangers?

[A2J]

As in nursery/childminder etc?
I was OK once they could talk but before that I couldn't have left them with anyone except very close friends (female) or family.

It probably stems from my own childhood although any abuse I experienced was when older. Weird friends of my parents.

Luckily I was bolshy and stuck up for myself. More than I can say for my parents.

@OrangeSlices998 I actually know people who prefer working to looking after dcs. Not many thank goodness.

Try not to fall off your high horse while you're patting yourself on the back OP.

before anyone wheels out the "I have got to work" card there are very few people that are actually better off after paying the astronomical childcare fees.

Are there? We are definitely better off both working and paying for nursery, than losing one salary and not paying the nursery fees. And we always have been, even before the extension of the free hours. I don't consider us to be particularly high earners.
And that's before you factor in things like pension contributions which make it even more financially worthwhile for us both to work.

But I won't deny that I also just enjoy my job.

Mine went to nursery from the age of one. They love nursery and the people who look after them there. They thrive there. I don't consider the people who look after them so well to be strangers.

I don't know what happened to you op and I'm not going to ask

But childcare settings like nurseries and childminders have to be inspected and those working in them have to be vetted. There are checks and safeguarding procedures. A parent leaving their child in nursery is quite different than leaving your child with any random stranger.

Isn't it truly sad and pathetic when people are so insecure about their own choices that they try to self-validate by criticising others who make different choices?

Wow literally just read this this morning. There’s an online push to guilt mums into SAH.

https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/article/2024/aug/19/anti-childcare-movement-social-media-parenting

@PoolQuandry that's good. How did you feel after having a whole year with them?

I think it's your abusive upbringing that lends to this view.

Parents with completely healthy upbringings who have never experienced abuse of any kind, wouldn't think of professional carers of children as 'strangers'. That's a really negative mindset. Many kids thrive at nursery, so much to explore.

I did an absolute mix of everything, I only worked part time 4 days and my girls were with 50/50 my mum or nursery then. So, 3 days me, 2 mum, 2 nursery. All options were great.

@Whenwillitgetwarm I hadn't seen that but I'll read it.

I get that nursery fees are expensive. But its a lie to say very few people are better off working after paying childcare fees if you only have one child in nursery at a time under 3yrs. These days it's easier as funded hours apply to younger children and babies too.

Average salary £34K. Take-home annually (minus tax and 5% pension contribution) would be ~£27K. Average full time nursery place is ~£16,200/year (and this doens't include any funded hours or tax-free childcare which most nursery children and babies now entitled to). This leaves a contribution to household of £10,800/year PLUS pension contributions that will compound over your working life and support you in old age.

So, whilst I appreciate that childcare costs are too expensive for some (e.g., lower paid roles than average salary, or where you have multiple children in nursery without funded hours), on average you can still be better off working and paying childcare for these years.

This isn't the point of this thread, but I wanted to pick up on this as I see it mentioned a lot and its not always correct and pushes more women to give up work without actually working out the long-term financial impact.

I’m sending my child to nursery in Sept at 2.5 because they have a speech and developmental delay. 3 hours three times a week. Myself, DH, HV, SALT team and neurodevelopment DR have all recommended it. Am I worried about leaving her, yes but so are all parents who have to or choose to put their children into childcare, it’s not always just about putting them in childcare for the sake of it.

If you don’t want your child to stay with “strangers” and want to homeschool then go for it, I’m sure you wouldn’t like others judging you for your choices

I think you will get a lot of negative responses here OP as it’s a subject most feel slight guilt about (but shouldn’t) anyway.
A lot of parents have no choice but to go to work. Most would not leave their child with a stranger but with a professional.
Your replies do come across slightly goady. I don’t expect this to go well.
Sorry for what you have suffered but this is in the minority.

I became a stay at home mum after having our first child. I had planned on going back to work but I couldn't face leaving him and as we could afford it, it was a good choice for us.

Both of my children went to preschool for a couple of afternoons per week and then nursery at school which they mostly liked.

Our circumstances meant that I've never returned to work and our youngest is a teen now. I've really enjoyed being at home with them.

What?? Super judgemental and narrow minded.

My boy was able to show me / communicate he was happy or not at 14m when he first started nursery. My daughter started this month at 9m. She's been dropping off / picking up her brother since she was born and knows them well. I think an unhappy baby is pretty clear. But sure, guilt other mums to validate your own choices. 👍

And yes, some people do have to work. We are better off sending 2 to nursery and me working part time, especially when you consider pension, mortgage eligibility, career progression. All things you've conveniently forgotten.

And HEAVENS FORBID a mum wanting 5 minutes peace. I haven't started work yet and STILL send my girl in once a week to get her prepared for full time!! clutching pearls

A nice emotive title you've used there OP. Well many people don't have the choice. There are ladies on my due date group who had to go back to work before their babies were 6 months old due to maternity pay being so terrible. They spent a long time finding a nursery or childminder that suited their child and met the staff so they weren't complete strangers.

I'm older and had my child later in life due to infertility. I am staying home until my DC is at primary. But I am fully aware that I am very privileged to be able to do so. I also had an abusive childhood so I have no family to fall back on for childcare. If we didn't have the money it would be using childcare or having no child at all.

@Apollo365 I was curious to see if anyone else felt like me. Or how many? I actually thought there'd be less.

We all have choices some harder than others. Maybe mine would have been better off in nursery? I just would have struggled when they were tiny.

I felt nervous about sending them in but within 2 weeks the children had settled and I was happy to be back at work.

Spending years on end at home full time is not for me. Or for my husband. My parents always worked full time so the concept is alien to me.

Edit sorry forgot to quote @A2J

🍪

My son was 10 months old when he first went to his childminder, he’s 3 next month and he is absolutely thriving. I don’t feel bad one bit that I went back to a job I loved as he has been so well looked after. I find it so unhealthy that people straight up refuse to leave their children with anyone, what would you do in an emergency? I wouldn’t want my child stuck to me like glue, he is independent and confident. Good for you if you wanted to stay home and me with them 24-7. I’d love to be with mine but unfortunately we wouldn’t be able to afford living on one wage and I don’t want to rely on my husband for money.

Mine didn't go to nursery because I didn't want them to, I liked being with them, and it suited me more philosophically. But I do agree that your responses are goady to those who made different choices.

Mine were in nursery from 9 months old. Largely so we could afford to live in our little house, but also because neither of us wanted to lose our careers. They have turned out to be very different dc but have fond memories of thr nursery and childminders they had over the years. My dad and uncles were looked after by their ailing grandmother, so my gran could work. Bet that was a bundle of fun.

Maybe you earn very little but everyone in my social circle is far better off working. So I'm not sure of the "very few" people you speak of. And you also have to factor in loss of potential earnings. Taking a 3-4 year career break is going to be a massive financial hit for most people.

A lot of people don’t have a choice and have to send young DC into nursery/childminders. Not everyone is as lucky as you regardless if they could not imagine or want to send them that young.

I think usually when people are this sanctimonious about an issue, it’s coming from some type of guilt projecting onto something.
I love that my baby goes to nursery and plays with other kids his own age, makes friends, learns social skills, has a brilliant routine and eats more food then I could ever coax him into eating at home.