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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask if you couldn't imagine leaving your baby and then young dc with strangers?

463 replies

A2J · 20/08/2024 10:40

As in nursery/childminder etc?
I was OK once they could talk but before that I couldn't have left them with anyone except very close friends (female) or family.

It probably stems from my own childhood although any abuse I experienced was when older. Weird friends of my parents.

Luckily I was bolshy and stuck up for myself. More than I can say for my parents.

OP posts:
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MouseofCommons · 20/08/2024 12:25

Mine went to nursery as I'm a lone parent and wasn't able to stop working as I was on tax credits.
I would have saved the country money if I'd been allowed to stay at home. But the system threw £1k at month at my nursery fees for years.

Elphamouche · 20/08/2024 12:27

Please be careful you don’t fall off that high horse of yours!

LoneHydrangea · 20/08/2024 12:29

I never did but only because I had no need to. I cut down to 2 days per week and family provided childcare. I didn’t work FT for the next 15 years.

It’s not so easy for people that have no choice due to finances.

DinnaeFashYersel · 20/08/2024 12:31

Its also ok for women to chose to go back to work because they want to.

Men do it all the time.

Demonhunter · 20/08/2024 12:31

@A2J to make you really seethe at how low your pedestal is I know 2 women are self employed AND homeschool.

Nina9870 · 20/08/2024 12:32

Yeh I just couldn’t leave mine in a nursery, but I realise how privileged I am to have been able to keep mine at home/ with grandparents- I totally understand not everyone has that choice and there’s no judgement from me. The thought of leaving them with people I didn’t know filled me with dread. I work pt and grandparents filled in the gaps.
My oldest started preschool/ school nursery at 3 and a half and I first started her on half days as I thought she’d be shattered, but within a month she was asking for full days as she was having so much fun! She was so ready.

dottiedodah · 20/08/2024 12:33

Strangers would not be suitable for Child Care .Luckily most of us Nursery Nurses are interested in Children and care about them a great deal.We take the time to get to know all the children, and make them happy and comfortable .I am retired now ,but still miss all my little charges .When they start School Teachers are "Strangers"! Also Ballet Classes ,football Rainbows and so on! YABU OP .I am sorry you have suffered abuse .but your DC have to live in the world!

skyfalldown · 20/08/2024 12:33

I won't be but I have my own very acute personal reasons for that

WickieRoy · 20/08/2024 12:33

Very happily sent mine to nursery from 10 months. They loved it, I loved it. They weren't looked after by strangers but by professionals, as someone upthread said. Many of those professionals became our friends.

I admit I was wary of childminders for such young DC.

Nurseries and childminders pose a miniscule risk compared to family members, sadly.

DH earns more than nursery fees, so financially it made sense for him to remain at work even before considering pension and progression. He earns the same as me now so it paid off financially, although it wasn't really a financial decision, neither of us wanted to give up our careers.

I actually know people who prefer working to looking after dcs. Not many thank goodness.

They're usually called "Dad". That often seems to be fine though, only a problem when they're called "Mum".

ijustneedtokeepbreathing · 20/08/2024 12:35

Qualified and trained childcare professionals (nannies, nursery staff etc) are not random strangers.

I appreciate that your view on this is informed by difficulties in your past as you mention, but honestly many, many parents return to work and leave their kids in the capable hands of childcare professionals. All 3 of mine went to nursery full time from 8 months. I had no choice - no family to help etc and needed to work.

Also, I suspect that statistically children are at greater risk from members of their own/extended family than they are from childcare professionals, unfortunately.

PretendToBeToastWithMe · 20/08/2024 12:36

@Whenwillitgetwarm Unfortunately that article is incredibly dogmatic in the opposite direction. I’m shocked the Guardian published that article — it does exactly what it criticises Ballerina Farm for doing but in the opposite direction!

This topic is incredibly nuanced. There is no correct answer to “is a child better off at home or at childcare?”

On the whole children, especially young children benefit from consistent 1:1 attention and nurturing from responsive caregivers, and not necessarily parents. The ideal is probably a consistent caregiver or small group of caregivers who are able to deal with the demands of looking after a small child day in and day out with their own MH and self regulation relatively intact.

Is this best achieved in a standard nursery? Probably not in most nurseries as we know them — they are stretched and underfunded. Staff are often minimally qualified, poorly paid, and turn over is high in many of them. The ratios and workload don’t necessarily allow caregivers to be as responsive as they could be in a group child care setting.

Is it best achieved by a SAHM? Not if she’s poorly supported, under massive stress and financial strain, and struggling with her mental health.

Different things are better for different children and families depending on the situation, and often parents are struggling to choose between multiple options none of which is ideal. The conversation needs to focus less on which is “best” and more on how we can support families to provide a healthy environment for their young children regardless of whether they are home with family or attending childcare.

lolly792 · 20/08/2024 12:37

Bingo! We've now had the usual posts from people who claim to have worked in nurseries or as a childminder but say they'd never use paid childcare themself!

I guess they were crap at their job or worked in crap nurseries. Fortunately there are absolutely brilliant childminders and nurseries out there which enhance the child's life

MrsSunshine2b · 20/08/2024 12:39

People don't leave their children with "strangers". They spend a lot of time carefully considering the best childcare options for their children, meeting staff and finding out about the ethos of the setting, reading the OFSTED reports to find out what kind of strengths and weaknesses it has, attending for settling in sessions and ensuring their child is comfortable there.

My child started nursery at 14 months and flourished there.

TigerBloomer · 20/08/2024 12:40

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Milkmani8 · 20/08/2024 12:44

Confusionn · 20/08/2024 10:53

My dd has just started nursery at 3years and 4 months old. This is absolutely the right age. I could explain to her what was happening and she fully understood and also I can ask her about her day and she replies, and most importantly I ask her if she wants to go back and she says yes.
None of those things are possible before the age of 3. Babies in nurseries are a huge no no for me, and before anyone wheels out the "I have got to work" card there are very few people that are actually better off after paying the astronomical childcare fees. Few will admit they just prefer the break.

I wish I could afford to stay at home, mortgage on a small home in SE and bills will not allow. Once the majority of my wages is eaten up by childcare the remainder goes on paying the rest of the bills that my husband’s wage doesn’t cover. Was planning on staying at home until mortgage increased by £500 a month with the interest rise. Would it be best if I gave up work and then went into private rented accommodation until money ran out and then went on UC? I would love nothing more than to stay at home, I hate working. Don’t really understand those who define themselves by their careers but that’s up to them. I guess you could offer me the solution of selling my home and moving away from my elderly mother, family and friends to a cheaper area in a different part of the country but I’d rather not.

Spiceeee23456 · 20/08/2024 12:45

Confusionn · 20/08/2024 10:53

My dd has just started nursery at 3years and 4 months old. This is absolutely the right age. I could explain to her what was happening and she fully understood and also I can ask her about her day and she replies, and most importantly I ask her if she wants to go back and she says yes.
None of those things are possible before the age of 3. Babies in nurseries are a huge no no for me, and before anyone wheels out the "I have got to work" card there are very few people that are actually better off after paying the astronomical childcare fees. Few will admit they just prefer the break.

Haaaa What a nasty judgemental post.

we don’t prefer the break. We need to secure our jobs; have proof of income for mortgages or car payments; use what money we do have left to put food on the table.

TigerBloomer · 20/08/2024 12:45

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StanLeeCameo · 20/08/2024 12:45

I was a SAHM/WFH as I had them late and could afford to do so. I was unwilling to let them be with other adults without me - changing their nappies etc - no thank you. Vanessa George happened a few months before I had my first child, and that cemented my feelings.

AgeingDoc · 20/08/2024 12:46

I do hope that some of the posters on this thread never, ever turn up at the GPs or hospital and say "I'd prefer to see a female doctor please". Or want to see a nurse, midwife, health visitor, physio, occupational therapist, SALT or many other HCPs in an even vaguely appropriate time scale. Or want to send their children to school, get their child benefit paid on time, have their taxes deducted correctly. A very high proportion of public sector workers are women, many of whom are mothers. There's a high chance that at least some of the people attending to your needs any time you interact with the NHS, education, civil service and many other sectors are doing so whilst their own children are "being looked after by strangers". Are you sure you trust us terrible, selfish, career women to do that? Fancy a society that loses that workforce? Shall we go back to the days when many professions were more or less closed to women since we weren't worth training as we'd only have children and leave anyway?

Differentstarts · 20/08/2024 12:46

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As a single parent can you explain how I had a choice to not work

crackfoxy · 20/08/2024 12:46

My DC were looked after by an ofsted registered childminder from 3 months and 6 months. I did my due diligence and was happy.

Temushopper · 20/08/2024 12:47

CoffeeNeededorWine · 20/08/2024 12:15

I’m convinced this post is click bait or a troll.

Surely, no one is that naive to think anyone actually wants to leave their kids. It’s not about choice it’s about earning money.

If this post is genuine. The OP is a tosser.

I think it’s a bit of both. I would have had zero desire to spend all day, every day with my kids for the 6 years between first being born and second going to school even if my job would be held that long to go back to and we could afford to live comfortably on just OH’s salary. We both loved having a day off with them when they were small and had it been affordable then 2 days each would have been really fun too but I also like my job and spending time with other adults focused on something that’s my own. I’m sure we could have survived if I’d given up work but in the mid-long term we’d be worse off as a family & I’d have really missed that part of my identity.

crumblingschools · 20/08/2024 12:48

@TigerBloomer UC doesn’t pay towards mortgage payments. Maybe some don’t want to claim benefits when they can actually work

DinnaeFashYersel · 20/08/2024 12:48

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Perfect example of someone who is so insecure in their life choices that they need to validate themselves by criticising others.

Maybe get some help for that.