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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask parents of toddlers (or who have had toddlers!)

120 replies

settlethisforme · 20/08/2024 09:04

Is it absolutely imperative that you are at home, for several hours, over the middle of the day, for their naptime? I have the toddler stage yet to come and I just presumed - maybe naively - that it would be possible to continue on with naps in the pram if we happen to be out at that time, and if we’re at home, great. I think I would find it stressful and limiting to clockwatch though.

A relative with a 20 month old insists they can’t make plans between 11-2 anyday, that’s inclusive of family meals and events. Recently it would have worked better for everyone else so I asked if there was any way they could make it at that time and they immediately became very defensive and said I will know what it’s like very soon.

AIBU to think it doesn’t have to be so prescriptive? They don’t seem very happy with the arrangement and complain they never have enough time to do anything. As it happens this relative is a SAHM anyway and I will be at work by then so I presume in a childcare setting anything goes, some days they might sleep more and some less at that age.

OP posts:

Octonaut4Life · 20/08/2024 09:07

Depends on the child. If they're not good at sleeping anywhere else then it may be entirely plausible that if they're kept out they won't sleep and will just turn into a grizzling tantruming nightmare being until they get home and can nap. Some kids that would be true of, others are more flexible about where and when they sleep.

TickingAlongNicely · 20/08/2024 09:09

Mine napped better in the pram than at home. For about an hour maximum.

CableCar · 20/08/2024 09:09

Depends on the child. My firstborn was rubbish at sleeping on the go. My second was a dream and you could take them anywhere as they'd just fall asleep in the car or pram. Every baby is different and it sounds like home nap time is an important boundary for your relative, which people ought to respect.

HappierTimesAhead · 20/08/2024 09:09

Every child is different.
Some will nap out and about, Some won't.
Every parent is different, Some will be okay with a missed nap and some won't (because it can cause massive issues with night-time sleep).

I sense a bit of judginess towards your relative for which YABU

Orangepolentacake · 20/08/2024 09:10

Honestly, I need that nap in the middle of the day when I can just be with my thoughts to recharge from the onslaught of toddlerhood. Also, my child (2) doesn’t sleep as well or for as long in the pram ad they do in bed.
so if I’m out with others I end up having no time for myself/to do some chores if necessary, have to chat when I just want a little bit of quiet, the child doesn’t sleep for long, then we’re both knackered and grumpy.
a nursery is different so your childcare comparison doesn’t apply.

parenting a toddler is hard. Let them do what works for them. And you will very soon learn what it’s like.

MonsieurBlobby · 20/08/2024 09:10

Depends on the kid. One of mine was very good at napping in the cot, crap at napping elsewhere, so generally we tried v hard to be home by 12.30/1 for a nap as the rest of the day was hideous if we didn't.

Other kid was so rubbish at napping it didn't really matter if we tried at home or in the car/buggy!

takealettermsjones · 20/08/2024 09:11

First comment nails it. Depends on the child. My first was a dream, napped wherever. Second absolutely would not even consider sleeping anywhere other than her own cot. And I don't want to be that "just you wait" person, but yes, you are soon to find out what a nap-refusing toddler is like 😂💐

takealettermsjones · 20/08/2024 09:11

Original poster

settlethisforme · 20/08/2024 09:12

Thanks everyone, I guess I will find out what it’s like soon (or not), depends how DC turns out to be at that age. Less judgy and more frustrated as other relatives also have DC slightly older but not by much, and they will flex their routine to suit the group.

OP posts:

Humdingerydoo · 20/08/2024 09:14

My then toddlers only ever napped in the pram, car seat or in my arms. They refused to nap (or sleep 😏) in their cots. Which was a bit of an issue during lockdown...

I never said no to an event because of nap time. I would just take them for a walk until they slept and then return to whatever I was doing.

Cobblersorchard · 20/08/2024 09:14

Complete depends on the child. DD was a contact napper, I’d happily stay out if I could make the nap work (eg if I could sit on a sofa at someone elses house) but depended where I was. Other friends had to be home.

Sleep deprivation is so torturous that parents have to do what gets them through. If a rigid nap approach gets them night sleep then it’s right for them.

Orangepolentacake · 20/08/2024 09:14

settlethisforme · 20/08/2024 09:12

Have sympathy. Being a SAHM is very hard. I don’t know if your other relatives are also SAHPs or what, but each child is different and she knows what works for her child. Just do something in the morning and she can leave when naptime comes. What’s the big deal?

DearestGentleReader · 20/08/2024 09:16

Some people are able to "flex the routine" to suit everyone else as their child is easygoing and it's. No skin off their nose, others know that it won't be everyone else dealing with the fallout of an overtired nightmare that could last another day or two to reset after a routine is knocked out of whack.
Every child is different. Stop judging people for doing what they need to to do to preserve their sanity.

MintTwirl · 20/08/2024 09:19

No. Mine all stopped having daily naps by around 18 months anyway. We just lived our lives.

I also find people can be like this with their first but by the time you add another child or two life is different and you don’t have the luxury of being at home for set times unless you restrict what your older child does.

crostini · 20/08/2024 09:19

It's not absolutely imperative. It depends on the child. I won't come home if I'm out and about, I always let them nap in the pram/car.
I do like being at home for nap though as it means I can rest too. Toddler sleeps longer and it breaks the day up. But especially with my first we were out and about all day and if she napped she napped and if she didn't she didn't.

However.... I absolutely wouldn't take my toddler for a family meal and lunch time if she hadn't napped. That would be very chaotic, queue running around, screaming, grumpy mess. Not enjoyable for anyone. So yes I would give her some grace about this.

InTheRainOnATrain · 20/08/2024 09:20

I always did pram naps from being newborn, exactly to avoid this issue because it can most definitely be a thing that they only want to nap in a quiet, dark cot. Unless there’s a back story I doubt your relative is being inflexible and surely they’d much prefer a nice leisurely family lunch whilst the toddler napped in the corner to having to rush home. Regardless though it’s a short lived phase and in a year you’ll probably find the DC has either dropped their nap altogether or is just less dependent on it so it can be flexed or shortened to better fit in with plans.

Caffeineislife · 20/08/2024 09:23

It does entirely depend on the child. Mine napped wherever and whenever. They would nap in the car seat, in the pram or at home. I was never really strict about sleep schedules though and just let them nod off when they were tired and never bothered to wake them before they naturally woke up, I could move my DD and she would drift back off if she didn't want to wake up. We didn't worry too much about early bedtime until DD dropped her afternoon nap.

However, I had a friend whose child would only nap in a dark room, with white noise and only in their cot. She was very militant with sleep schedules from day 1 and was insistent on been home for every nap. Her baby was a terrible sleeper from day 1 and my friend became really quite neurotic about her DDs sleep. When her DD became a toddler that meant that she had to be home between 11 and 2 for the nap. She always said without the nap, her DD became really grizzly but would not nap in the pram or out and about. She also wanted a 7pm bedtime so really managed her DDs sleep.

Mine would grizzle when tired but would ultimately nod off. My friends DD would grizzle, scream, rampage and get really miserable. For my friend the stopping in for a nap was the better alternative to trying to power through the grizzle.

AtLeastThreeDrinks · 20/08/2024 09:24

Yeah I couldn’t flex the routine and I was generally quite anti-routine, like to be spontaneous and flexible. But I had a screamer who would only sleep at home or in the car, and if he fell asleep in the car that’s where I had to stay for the next 2-3 hours. I spent many days racing home singing loudly before he dropped off so I didn’t get trapped. It was not fun. If we tried to push naptime to meet people for a late brunch or lunch he turned into a tiny demon. It was not worth it. Most toddlers I know would get a least a bit grizzly if they’re out over naptime. I hope you do get one who sleeps in their pushchair, that’s the dream!

WonderingWanda · 20/08/2024 09:24

Mine would nap in the car or pushchair so we would just plan that into our day. If we were visiting family we would do a walk round the block for nap time.

BarnacleBeasley · 20/08/2024 09:24

Mine would only nap in the pram at that age, which was generally fine as we also have a dog who needed a long walk in the middle of the day. It did get annoying if we were e.g. on holiday without the dog though and still had to go for a massive long middle-of-the-day walk. DS1 doesn't nap any more but we are still quite careful about what plans we make because we're not willing to spend our family time doing something none of us will enjoy. I think what you're not realising is that some toddlers when out of routine would be an absolute fucking nightmare. So lets say your relative tries to force an early nap so her child can come to a family lunch. Even if it works, the child is then with them in the restaurant and needs loads of entertaining so as not to ruin it for everyone else, and is probably tired because of being used to 3-hour lunchtime naps. So probably neither parent has any fun at all, everyone else has to put up with a grizzly toddler, and then the parents get to deal with an overtired child at bedtime too. From their perspective, they're making a big effort to do something that neither they nor the child will get to enjoy, and which will be less good for everyone else too.

At nursery they'll probably put all the kids down for a nap at about 12pm and let them sleep till about 2, so it won't be that different to home for your relative's child.

MidnightPatrol · 20/08/2024 09:26

Depends on the child - and even then, the activity!

Mine was good at sleeping in the pram for daytime naps BUT not if we eg were in a restaurant or sitting in someone’s house. You’d need to be on the move / sitting outside and the timing was difficult to get right.

I’d say I’m pretty relaxed but if it doesn’t work / they aren’t getting their sleep, the experience won’t be much fun so we do still plan keeping it in mind.

For example - people often suggest letting them sleep in their pram in the evening while you have dinner on holiday. Not a chance my toddler would do that.

YouveGotAFastCar · 20/08/2024 09:27

I've got one. Mine has always napped anywhere - it'll sometimes be harder work, but he will go to sleep if he needs to, pushchair/plane/bed/car etc.

Some of his friends will categorically not nap out, and a couple of his friends' parents find it quite stressful to change plans, so they won't make plans between 12 - 3pm so the toddler can nap and then have food. That's still the same even though they're now coming up to 3.

It depends on your child and your parenting style, I think. But there's nothing stopping you booking the thing anyway, and them skipping or joining later if it doesn't suit them. Your mistake here is trying to make them agree to it beforehand. Not everything is for everybody. If it's their routine/preference that rules out lunchtime, it rules out lunchtime activities for them, not lunchtime activities for everyone.

WickieRoy · 20/08/2024 09:27

Depends on the child. My eldest didn't sleep in the buggy at all, although would thankfully sleep in the car when needed (not for as long as necessary so would be grumpy but it was doable).

Youngest was much more pliant but it was lockdown so feck all use.

My eldest just didn't have a sleepy setting, she would go from fine to wired and over tired, and then a bad nap would mean an awful bedtime which would mean a terrible overnight which would mean a veeerrrry long day for all of us the next day. Just not worth it. She's still like that at 6, whereas the 4yo will suck her thumb and say she'd like to go to bed now and be asleep in seconds.

mammabing · 20/08/2024 09:27

Mine naps at home from around 12.30-2.30. If we have to be somewhere for say 1 o’clock I tend to chuck him in the back of the car just after 11 as he’ll fall asleep whatever time there and drive a very long way round!

onawave · 20/08/2024 09:29

I'm lucky in that both of mine will sleep anywhere so we were never tied to being in the house for nap times. 3 year old doesn't nap at all now and the 2 year old only has one 45 minute nap a day so it's pretty easy to work around. He's perfectly happy to skip a nap if we are out doing something, but that can make things a little tense about 5 o'clock when he wants to go to sleep but I know if I let him then the whole house will be up at 5am.

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