To think many people don't understand true loneliness?

[CobaltQueen]

I see some posters on here who are married with big families saying how hard it can be when their partners are away or such like. Yet they couldn't possibly understand what it's like being long term single and having nobody close in their lives. No friends. No close family member. Nobody.
Having to spend all free time alone. Trying to make the best of it by going out shopping or to the cinema but ending up feeling worse. Being worried about something but nobody to confide in. Feeling embarrassed at lack of weekend plans and it physically hurting when you see photos of colleagues holidays and days out with their families.
Having nobody to go for a coffee with and beating yourself up over it. When you reach out online people are well meaning but they suggest things they most likely could never do themselves.Go travelling alone. Join a club. Volunteer. All well meaning but it doesn't solve the immediate issue and doesn't always work out. Not only that but when you have been so isolated and down for so long over being alone in life, it's also incredibly hard to put yourself out there. Then you also start to feel resentful that you have to make so much effort when others around you just have people around them, surrounded by love and support without having to go through the same hoops. You find yourself slowly disintegrating and feeling like you don't matter. And the need for physical contact is so strong that even when an acquaintance just touches you on the arm, it makes you want to cry as it's been so long that someone has touched you in a caring way.
This is true loneliness.

Hey @CobaltQueen . My twenties were spent like how you are describing. I was probably in a slightly better situation as I had a friendly office to work in, a couple of good friends who were a plane ride away and I am a raging introvert, so probably didn’t feel the weight of loneliness as much as you do. But it crept in all the time, even so. There’s no magic solution. I met my DH by sheer chance and had the planets not aligned at that moment, I am sure I would still be single.

I want you to know that I understand what you are saying. There are people in the world who can go on a holiday alone and make 10 new friends while they are away. There are people who can join a book club or a salsa class or a hiking group and have endless coffee meets, nights out and catch ups coming from these. Then there are people like us and no matter how much we put out selves out there, we don’t exude the pheromone or whatever it is that makes people connect with us. People don’t dislike us. They just don’t see us. Doesn’t mean we are bad people. I’m a very well-liked person with good friends (only a few though) who can make almost anyone laugh once they know me. But most of them never get to know me. It’s not their fault, it’s not my fault.

Here’s my tailored suggestion. It’s easy and low demand. I have to admit that if someone suggested this to me in my twenties I would have been insulted and annoyed and would have ignored them because I knew it just wouldn’t work for me. I would have been wrong. I don’t mean to patronise so disregard this at will!

Get whatever the UK equivalent is of a Working with Children Check and a Responsible Service of Alcohol certificate. Should be very cheap and can be done online.

Email a couple of local sporting clubs and say you are looking to do some volunteer work in their canteen as you are new to the area and are looking to meet people. I can guarantee that they will be falling over themselves to get you to help out as every local sporting club on earth is run by overworked exhausted volunteers.

You can work in the canteen on game nights (probably every second week) for a few hours. You can have brief friendly closed end chats with heaps of people. No demands. No awkward deeper friend talk required. Friendly, brief and serve next person. At the end of the night the canteen volunteers will probably have a drink together. You are there and don’t need to be invited. You are now part of a group, even if small. You then go home. All loose ends tied off.

People will eventually start to recognise you at the supermarket. They will stop for brief friendly chats. You will have friendly acquaintances everywhere. You are now known in the community. I do it and honestly, it is so completely different to walking into a room of strangers for an activity. You may not find life long friends or a partner doing this but you will start to build your community.

Find this heart breaking to read. Sending love and strength.

Dont want to make facile suggestions but a lady I know vaguely whose marriage broke down posts a lot on Facebook about her walking group. They go for hikes locally at the weekend. Her pictures show a group of “normal” friendly looking people of varying ages lots 30s/40s not all retirees.

What happened after lockdown? Just good habits were broken? Or people moved away?

OP, I'm sorry you're feeling so low. I've never been in your exact position but I have had periods of living alone where I wouldn't see anyone all weekend except cashiers etc and I did find it really hard. I'd specifically struggle with walking past pubs and seeing whole groups of people hanging out and wondering why that had passed me by.

But when I lived alone I was also very systematic about making plans with people I did know; I'd never have more than two nights in a row without plans and if people couldn't always make it I would take myself to things eg evening classes, meet up groups. Some were fun, some were awful. But it is important to keep practising those skills.

My mother has often said to me that I'm very lucky to have a number if close friends in adulthood - and I am, I know I am - but I also can't get her to understand how much work goes into maintaining them. It's a whole job, and for me it's worth it but it takes a lot of work. I wonder OP if you think it is just happening to other people without that huge expenditure of effort? It can sometimes look like that from the outside, I know, but it's rarely true.

I also think making- and keeping-friends is a full time job. Sometimes I have the energy for it. Sometimes not. I am in lots of groups and classes but real connection is very rare. Most people prefer online friendships.

Oh and I also think those of us lucky to have families, however we define that term, don't realise what true loneliness is, as OP said. My family drives me mad on many occasions, but it must be very hard for those without.

This is so true. It's hard not to feel worthless and depressed with extreme loneliness. Also not really understanding what has led you to this situation (so you blame yourself when it's not your fault). There can be lots of reasons but it's not helpful to list them all because you need support and caring right now not ideas in your head. But I would start with it possibly starting often by not really feeling supported and cared for in your family of origin.

I do echo seeing a really good therapist. If you can afford it I'd see someone privately. The NHS is all very well but they'll often fob you off with six sessions and this is something you need to work on for a longer period of time. Also you don't get to choose your therapist whereas if you find someone privately you get to select them. The evidence is that the most important aspect is to really gel with them. The whole point is that you at least have a good and supportive relationship with someone in the world. Even though you are paying for your therapy it doesn't mean that they don't care about you because they genuinely do and that's a starting point for getting back into the social world; being able to share your pain and vulnerability can be very validating. But remember not all therapists are right for everyone and some of them can be cold and dismissive or maybe just skilled enough so search until you find the right one that you can get on with as well as trust.

You are not alone with being alone but it's incredibly painful and wipes out any joy you might feel from doing things. It doesn't always have to be that way and you can find your tribe or at least someone who you care for who cares about you. But you need a starting point and to break this cycle of intense loneliness which leads to depression and self-blame before you can begin to move forward into the 'suggestions of how to meet people' phase.

When I was at my loneliest I couldn't even find words to talk to people. And if on occasion I did I was going through the motions so probably sounded weird and pushed people away. I'm not saying that's you but just pointing out how loneliness for anyone can lead to more loneliness.

It can be better OP. Good luck

@MsAmerica that's one of the most unhelpful posts on MN I've ever seen and that's saying something!

You articulate your feelings so well. It's difficult to get past the superficial chatter and actually form real friendships. I live alone and don't want friends but don't have that inner feeling of being lonely. You must feel adrift and lost but never give up. The few friendships I've had in life were down to instant chemistry and it doesn't require any effort, as the natural connection just means you can sit in silence, have bad moods and just be yourself. I wish I had an easy answer but just wanted to say that I hear you.

I’m so sorry OP. You speak about this so eloquently, I am very moved.

I think you’re absolutely right that many people don’t understand. Others insinuate it must be something YOU are doing wrong, because they would like there to be an easy solution. They don’t want to face up to the reality that some people, through no fault of their own, end up lonely and isolated.

I hope you find peace, companionship and support one day.

It’s a typical OTT MN response! So dramatic. These people have such an over inflated ego, they believe they are the only ones whose opinion is worth listening to.

Just want to send @CobaltQueen a hug and say I hear you.

Also want to add that sometimes the lead up to loneliness like this can be extremely complicated. I'm a widow of 2.5 years and while I'm trying to make the most of my unwanted and unexpected "freedom and independence" (ha.ha.ha.) I have also been bewildered by the way our wide social circle has vanished like a puff of smoke.

I do have a handful of loyal friends who I see from time to time, but they have lives and families in a way I don't so I am alone and lonely most of the time. And I hide it as much as I can because I'm terrified of coming across as needy and a burden and frightening them away.

When I was trying to "put myself out there" nobody knew how to "deal with me" without my DP and I'd end up drunk and embarrassing. So I don't do that any more. My adult children have their boundaries and I respect them, restricting my contact to the odd "I'm fine - tell me all about you" calls. They don't call me.

I talk to my elderly Dad alot, as he's frail and unwell and has recently separated from my SM (it's complicated). He's lonely too but is hoping to reunite with SM although that's unlikely.

So I kind of have alot "going on" but I recognise the loneliness the OP speaks of. It's the lack of intimacy most of all I think. The easy connection that you can have with someone like a husband or close sibling or friend. Other associations are more formal if that makes any sense, and if you've been burned by people in the past, you do have barriers up because trust is hard.

People have suggested I'm still young enough at 55 to find love again and I don't know whether to laugh or cry. My late DP would be a hard act to follow. He was the love of my life and honestly I don't think I could face learning another human like that so yes, I'm my own worst enemy and prickly and defensive sometimes too.

Currently my future is looking like one long Swedish death clean because the ultimate sin would be leaving a mess (and believe me, there is a mess) for my children to deal with if anything happens to me.

And I do have a cat, so at least my vocal chords don't seize up as we have long meaningful conversations.

One of the hardest parts about being lonely and trying to do something about it is the feeling of being somehow marked, or different to "normal" people. And that's another odd thing, isn't it? All the lonely people (go on, sing it, I know you want to) skirting around each other, hiding their loneliness because the fear of yet another loss or rejection has become just too great to overcome. Because that's a part of it too.

I think what people aren't realising is that enjoying spending time alone is a choice, a preference. Loneliness without choice is social isolation. Social isolation like the OP is describing is devastating.

The difference between the two things is that the OP finds themselves socially isolated without choice. It's the opposite of enjoying some peace and quiet so comparison of the two is not really helpful here.

You are right, there is a difference. However, OP complains of being lonely yet is not prepared to get out there and interact with other people so what does she expect? People do not come to you, you have to put yourself out there and find them. It may take a while, it may never happen, but you have to be pro-active about it. Sitting at home complaining that you are lonely is not going to change anything. Why can't people see that? Lots of people are long term single, some by choice, some not - it's not the worst thing in the world.

I'm afraid I have no patience with people who envy what others have but make no effort to change their circumstances.

It’s still very OTT to call someone ‘disgusting!’ Absolutely no need for that, so we’ll have to agree to disagree on this one.

I'm going to venture something that may be unpopular but here goes. Whenever you get these threads you get talk of people who used to have friends but dropped them because they were "shallow" or "users".

Whilst no one likes to be taken advantage of, I wonder if some lonely people have expectations that are too high or an unrealisitic definition of friendship. There is nothing wrong with so called transactional or situational friendships. Some of those may turn in to deep long lasting friendships but most won't and that is ok, enjoy the company in the moment.

Mr Monkey is one of those aforementioned people who can enter a bar and come out 2 hours later with five friends. How does he do it? By being confident, by talking to people, being generous with his.time and most importantly by having no expecations other than the joy of socialising in the moment - his running buddies who he goes for long runs and after run drinks with are just that - people he goes for a run and a pint with. One guy has turned in to a deeper friend as he lives locally to us and they stsrted running together to keep each other company when they were both out of work during lockdown while I was overwhelmed with too much work!

Anyway TL:DR don't dismiss "superficial" friendships.

OP you are right that most people don't understand. It is incredibly painful but it doesn't have to be this way for you though.

I am in my 50s, have always been single, have a tiny family that lives hours away, so have had many years to negotiate with this. I do have friends, but most of them live hours away, and I have made them at all stages of my life, not just at school.

I am very introverted and quite socially anxious so making new friends doesn't come naturally to me. At various times of my life the below has worked:

• work friends
• living in a flat share (with shared living room and more than just one other person)
• doing residential courses ie holidays away in things that interest me
• Bumble BFF
• backpacking alone and staying in hostels (this was in my 20s though not sure what it would be like older)

Things that haven't led to long term friends but which gave me company I enjoyed and were fun were - acting classes, going away with companies like Explore. they are group holidays with a mix of singles and couples. I don't like travelling alone particularly for e.g a week, I do go for long weekends.

Therapy at various points has helped as well, as it's someone to discuss your feelings and you don't get so mired down in your feelings.

Saying 'most people wouldn't do the things they suggest' is probably right, but they are not in that position to have to do it. And a lot of people DO do the things they suggest.

Totally agree! I’m surprised nobody has managed to squeeze in the classic comment…

’Wow, what a prince’ 😂🤦‍♀️

I’m sorry OP for the experience you are having it sounds painful and difficult.

Can I say this with total kindness: I’m not going to say anything trite like “join a club” because I know it isn’t that simple if you’re not in the right state of mind.

But without it being intentional your perspective is part of the problem. You do indeed sound very down on yourself and it’s certain that you are communicating this to others which makes it harder for you. It’s shit, but the hard reality is that no one wants to be exposed to lonely people. They fear it is catching. And looking to others so solve your loneliness will always backfire.

Theres no easy fix for this and it’s not a case of turning a light on. But you can over time work on changing your outlook. For example you seem to see this as a “me versus the world” situation.

In reality most people experience some degree of loneliness in their lives. You can be lonely in big families. You can be lonely when you have a busy life. You can be incredibly lonely in a bad or even a lukewarm marriage. Probably even more so than on your own.

You only see snapshots of other people’s lives and you will usually see them at their best. The trick is to realise that everyone is battling this to some degree. And also that this is fluid and not set in stone and that you can change your own perspective.

Short term: fake it. Don’t offload to people about your loneliness. They don’t want to hear it. But do get a really good counsellor who can help you reframe the situation.

I think it's very easy to think that loneliness isn't something that will affect you. When I was married with small children I was desperate for time by myself. As my kids grow up and I can see them moving away I do feel lonely from time to time and life as a single older woman looks like hard work to me. I am sure that I will be prone to loneliness.

I think that’s a good post.

OP, I think your insistence that ‘other people don’t understand’ is holding you back, as is your linked resentment that other people ‘have it easy’, and have always been surrounded by affection and company.

Bluntly, you don’t know this. You have no idea how much another person may have struggled to put themselves out there and form relationships, how many times they crawled home after an evening class saying ‘Not doing that again’, how invisible they felt, how much therapy they did to unpick unhelpful childhood scripts about friendships and self-worth.

I have absolutely been that person. But I don’t wear a shirt that says so.

The truth is that your life will continue as it is, in a way that is clearly making you desperately unhappy, unless you act to change it. Therapy is a good place to start. You may have to try more than one, but working hard with a good therapist is probably the best investment in yourself you will ever make. You have a sympathetic listener there with you for an hour challenging your negative beliefs about yourself, and helping to get you to a place of resilience, where you can start to put yourself out there and form relationships, and feel you have something to offer other people.

OP I hear you. Moved country to help aging parents and my happy, busy, full life suddenly became very empty. Have tried to build it up but many people have their friend groups and if you become their friend, you are second string and likely to be left out if they do something with their closer friends. And over time, have had to distance from toxic siblings for the sake of MH. But that means I am lonely. And getting worse. When the remaining parent dies I will have no one. I fear the future. And it is really hard. People blaming you for the situation have no clue how easy it is for this to happen. The only thing I can suggest is joining things and making it non negotiable to go. I may not meet close friends through those activities. But it is better then being in the house by myself constantly.

I'm sorry op. I understand to a certain extent.

I have a family and a child so I don't crave human interaction in the way you describe, but my friends have dwindled over the years and I don't work due to health issues, so I spend a lot of time home alone when everyone else is at work/school. My cat keeps me company. Listening to podcasts also helps me I think.

Suggestions to join a salsa dancing class really don't help me either when I have chronic pain.

I felt the exact same a lot of my life. Complex trauma and either abusive or distant family, moved around a lot so no childhood friends, constantly re-traumatized in adulthood so I just learned to stay away from people.

I had children as a single parent by choice and created my own family. I got a lot of judgment when I decided to do this. Many people have the idea that trauma survivors won't be able to parent or will automatically continue the cycle of their own parents. But I was in longterm therapy and could not face an entire life of being the outsider looking in.

It has completely saved my life and for the first time I have somewhere for my love and care to go, we have our own family, we are part of a community.

But I do completely understand that deep fundamental loneliness. People say 'oh, having a family isn't everything' or 'having friends isn't everything.' They have no idea. Oxygen doesn't feel so special until you don't have it.

I've read the first page, and I genuinely only see one reply that you might describe as horrible, and even that was not unreasonable. All the others are sympathetic.

Can you quote what you find so objectionable?