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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if your adult dc live at home if they just come and go as they please?

113 replies

parkwego · 19/08/2024 17:03

Just hitting a transition period of one of my dc being both an adult and going out for the first time. We are slightly later than many other families as one of my dc has additional needs.

If they live with you do they just come and go as they please without letting you know anything?
If they were not coming home and staying at a friends overnight would they let you know to not expect them?
If they said they were coming home at x time in time for tea would they let you know if they changed their mind?

Trying to navigate a new situation!

OP posts:
FawnFrenchieMum · 19/08/2024 17:06

Yes, as a minimum I ask that they let me know if they are in or out for tea and whether they are sleeping in or out. Other than that they can come and go as they please.

PurpleDiva22 · 19/08/2024 17:06

Age is important here. 18 year old I would expect to liaise with me in some way about what they are doing. Mid 20s I wouldn't.

pinkspeakers · 19/08/2024 17:06

My dc are 20 and 22. One has just graduated, the other is at University but home for the summer. They come and go as they please, but they let me know if/when/where they are going out most of the time, it is more than just a quick pop to the corner shop etc. So does my DH! They would certainly let me know if they were staying overnight, if they would not be in for dinner, or if they were going to be back for dinner much later than they said. Just good manners really.

Glowingreviews · 19/08/2024 17:07

Our 25 year old son lives with us. He lets us know if he’s going to be late, although he does sometimes forget. He’s never forgotten to tell us if he’s out for the night though. We don’t usually cook for him as he sorts himself out. If he’s in for tea then we’ll include him. If he’d said he was in for tea then changed his mind, he’ll let us know.

It’s all about respect really. Set out your ground rules and keep your boundaries.

cardibach · 19/08/2024 17:07

Mine used to keep me informed of her movements and plan changes, but yes, she came and went exactly as she pleased. If she was going to be in one of us would cook for both of us, if not I’d do mine and she’d sort herself out, either while out or after getting back.
I also kept her appraised of my movements and plan changes so we both knew what was going on.

Flossyts · 19/08/2024 17:07

Don’t have an young adult living with me but have had a couple lodgers. I wouldn’t expect them to necessarily tell you everything about what they are up to but certainly if they are expecting to be home for dinner and what time they’d be home on an evening if at all. It’s just common courtesy so you don’t stay awake waiting for them worrying - my house mates would let me know if staying out when at uni. Also a safety thing as a young woman.

GettingLaterAndLater · 19/08/2024 17:09

Mostly come and go as they like.
If they don't want dinner I ask to be told by the morning. They can change their mind obviously but need to let me know - can be annoying when I cater for them (especially the vegetarian) and they get a better offer. Ours need to cook once a week for us thats a commitment at least.

Likewise they have to let us know if coming home late late (like after my bedtime!) or staying out. No judgement, it's just so we know what's happening in our own home.
No overnight stays here except long term boyfriend/girlfriends, and we need to know they're going to be here.

Halfemptyhalfling · 19/08/2024 17:09

Have explained carefully why DC need to let me know whether they will be around for dinner (else they go hungry 😄). Also they let me know if they will be back late at night(else they run risk of getting locked out 😁or I go looking for them when younger (could be v embarrassing). I have not always let them know my own movements enough so we all let each other know better now. With a phone it's easy.

SoManyTshirts · 19/08/2024 17:10

Single parent with adult DS (29) occasionally resident. We would let each other know if we were going out / staying out, although not exact location, and message if plans changed. He’s less conscientious about telling me when he’s not home for tea, but if I was cooking something special he’d let me know.

Lentilweaver · 19/08/2024 17:10

Yes they come and go as they please but tell me if they are really late or staying elsewhere.
I don't cook especially for them and if I do, I cook the kind of meals that can be heated up the next day.

Misthios · 19/08/2024 17:10

FawnFrenchieMum · 19/08/2024 17:06

Yes, as a minimum I ask that they let me know if they are in or out for tea and whether they are sleeping in or out. Other than that they can come and go as they please.

Edited

Exactly this, I have a 22 year old just going into his final year at Uni who lives at home, and a 19 year old who is in halls during term time and home in the holidays. They come and go as they please but if they have told me they are planning coming home after a night out I expect a text to tell me if plans change - they are fine with that as they appreciate that if I wake in the morning and find they're not home, that i'd worry. Also ask them to tell me if they are planning to be at home for dinner so I know how many i'm cooking for.

Floralnomad · 19/08/2024 17:13

Ive always expected the courtesy of a text / message to say in / out and whether they will be in for dinner .

Turophilic · 19/08/2024 17:14

Whether or not they will eat with us - for practicality, really.

If staying out overnight - so we know whether or not to put the bolt on the door

Other than that they come and go as they wish.

mm81736 · 19/08/2024 17:17

It is a family home not a HMO or student house? So yes expect to be kept informed what meals they will be home for and where they are sleeping

Tiswa · 19/08/2024 17:17

i think it is always good practice as an adult to inform people where you are - had a flatmate who would just disappear for up to 3 days at a time ans it was impossible to know if you should be worried - hence the letting people know if you are out of dinner and the night

BigBoysDontCry · 19/08/2024 17:18

I've always made it clear that they don't need to ask me for permission or give me specifics but it's decent and responsible behaviour to let me know if they are in or out for meals/overnight.

Just as I would do the other way round.

We are all adults and able to be in charge of ourselves but we are also people sharing an environment and informing others on your general movements is polite and respectful.

Portfun24 · 19/08/2024 17:19

Yeah she comes and goes. If she's in il make her dinner, if she's not and I've not heard she's coming back I don't. I do usually know what her schedule is roughly when she's working as she works night shifts and shel be in asleep during the day but when it's her days off I don't always know what she's up to and she does as she pleases.

mitogoshi · 19/08/2024 17:22

Dsd, and dd before her have to say if they are going to be honest for dinner or none will magically appear on the table. We also have them check in if they are not going to be home, they send a simple text saying staying at xxx. Neither had casual relationships and we were introduced to whoever if they were staying over, one married her second serious relationship, one is living with her third serious relationship and the other is buying a house with her first serious relationship so will be moving out (empty nest, can't wait!)

mitogoshi · 19/08/2024 17:23

Oh and we report if we are going away and/or there's no dinner service!!!

rightoguvnor · 19/08/2024 17:24

My young adults live upstairs in my house. They have their own fridge and kettle but still use my kitchen to cook. They both work (and oay housekeeping). They work odd hours so often aren't here at meal times. Because they are upstairs and they have quite a bit of space they can entertain friends up there etc, we're almost two households in one dwelling.
They generally communicate quite well anyway in terms of where they're going, what their plans are. It just comes up in general conversation. There are no curfews etc.
Meals are opt-in here. If I'm doing a favourite, or Grandma is coming for dinner etc then I might mention it. Xmas Day/birthdays are a bit different. Otherwise they sort themselves out. It's sometimes annoying when they decide to cook a spag bol at 9pm but they always tidy up after themselves. I don't interfere with the state of upstairs, although I accept that when they do leave it'll need new flooring and decorating.
I think because they still use my kitchen we all communicate quite well, we know quite a bit about each other's lives, and often enjoy a good late night kitchen table gossip. We still have the odd board game night too.
I'd rather have them here (even with the late night garlic smell) and saving for deposits, than paying big rent for a grotty rental and saving nothing.

gingercat02 · 19/08/2024 17:25

I would assume basics like DH and I would for each other.
Where they are going (friends, partners, town, pub, for a run, gym, etc) and rough time home, i.e., I'll be an hour, or don't wait up, etc
If we're are still cooking family meals, I would expect sufficient notice to include or not.
Friends and GF have always been welcome (we are a feel free to pop in household), but overnight, I would expect notice.
I have no idea how I would feel about ONS DS is only 16, so it hasn't happened yet
Other than basic courtesy, they are adults so yes come and go as they please.

KerryBlues · 19/08/2024 17:27

PurpleDiva22 · 19/08/2024 17:06

Age is important here. 18 year old I would expect to liaise with me in some way about what they are doing. Mid 20s I wouldn't.

I'd expect an adult of any age to let someone know if they're staying out overnight. Not asking permission, just letting people know they're safe.

Anonym00se · 19/08/2024 17:32

DD20 still staying in the hotel living at home. I never know whether she’s in or out, or when she’ll be back. She went out on Saturday, I text her on Sunday morning to ask when she’d be home and got a one word response - “later”. She came home at 10.30pm. Apparently I’m overbearing and unreasonable to even ask. Sometimes she disappears for days at a time (staying with friends) without telling me. Even when she’s home I only see her for approximately 3 minutes per day. I’m beginning to look forward to her moving out as I find it really stressful.

ToBeDetermined · 19/08/2024 17:32

Yes, they come and go as they please.
Yes, they let us know their plans if it involves travelling further than local city or if it involves staying overnight somewhere.
Yes, they let us know if they will be having dinner with us or not on each evening.

Day to day- going to gym, going to city, going for a walk- no they don’t tell us and that is ok.

They did the same with Uni flatmates- it is a safety & courtesy thing than permission because we make no comment on where/when they are out.

notanotheronenow · 19/08/2024 17:41

KerryBlues · 19/08/2024 17:27

I'd expect an adult of any age to let someone know if they're staying out overnight. Not asking permission, just letting people know they're safe.

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