To ask if your adult dc live at home if they just come and go as they please?

[parkwego]

Just hitting a transition period of one of my dc being both an adult and going out for the first time. We are slightly later than many other families as one of my dc has additional needs.

If they live with you do they just come and go as they please without letting you know anything?
If they were not coming home and staying at a friends overnight would they let you know to not expect them?
If they said they were coming home at x time in time for tea would they let you know if they changed their mind?

Trying to navigate a new situation!

you do sound very overbearing unless you're asking for legitimate reasons like because you want to know whether to keep or use up leftovers or because granny is asking if she'll be at xyz family event.

Do you think so? Maybe 🤷🏻‍♀️

Yes come and go as they please but they communicate if not coming home

They come and go as they please, but they will say if they’re out for dinner.

I don't think it's bizarre! To be honest, it's not even really about safety - I'm not inclined to worry and know rationally that when they are living on their own, I don't know whether they are in or out and don't worry. It's about knowing whether to lock up, whether to leave lights on, and just knowing whether I am likely to see someone else around the house or not! We have recently hosted Ukrainian refugees. Women in their thirties. I asked them to let me know if they were going away over night at all, or if they were likely to be back particularly late. They didn't think it was bizarre.

Ds, nearly 20 and off to uni next month after a gap year, he usually lets me know his rough plans but is track able via “Find my phone”. He has no problem with me being able to see where he is because it saves him having to text me. It’s also useful when he can’t find his phone. I have had requests via his friends, who have my phone number, to ping his phone so he can find it. He doesn’t see it as intrusive because he also uses to see where I am.
He will be at uni with a number of his friends so I don’t suppose anything will change, since his untidiness is unlikely to change and I’m sure I will be pinging his phone for some time.

The only time he messages me while out is to leave a key out for him or if he needs a lift ( very rare). We often chat via WhatsApp, he’s been working away over the summer so will touch base from time to time.

Since teenagers tend to stay out until the early hours I will check if hes home or at a friends if I wake up. Mostly I don’t bother.

He was spiked not long after he was 18, which was an horrendous experience and it took me a long time to relax when he was out but it was a big learning experience for him and all his friends.

My 19 year old comes and goes as she pleases including staying at her boyfriend's (well his parents' 🤣) and going on holiday with friends or her boyfriend - "as she pleases" in that we don't tell her when to be home, but she always, always lets us know.

We're really lucky that communication is pretty smooth with all the teens, and the fact I worked shifts and DH in the office throughout a lot of their childhood and teens had the bonus of making it second nature for everyone to put absolutely everything in the family calendar (in part because unexpected things not in the calendar largely couldn't happen because where we live they generally needed lifts!).

So family calendar and WhatsApp mean we always know who's going to be where, when, but we don't tell the eldest what she is or isn't allowed to do as she's an adult (and has her own car now so isn't asking for lifts).

17 year old DS still has to negotiate somewhat about staying out very late late and sometimes has to be reminded to put the address of where he'll be in the calendar just for safety but also for when he needs fetching at midnight, which is mostly his curfew unless staying with a friend or unless he's negotiated staying out later in advance and has a safe way to get home (I don't mind fetching in the early hours if I'm not working the next day but won't if I have to be up early unless of course it's an emergency).

Hope that helps a bit!

I would find that very stressful @Anonym00se . I don't think it is overbearing to know if DC intend to come home for the night or be away.

I don't agree with you @notanotheronenow in either of those posts. It's courtesy for anyone in the family to let others know that they won't be in that night. It stops people worrying and also if something does happen to the family member who doesn't come back it means that you will be aware of that sooner.

I don't think that either @KerryBlues or @Anonym00se are being unreasonable! I have dds home for summer from university- one permanently as she's graduated. I have had similar behaviour to your dd @Anonym00se and found it completely unacceptable. I have now asked to be kept broadly informed of my dds' whereabouts - so I know whether they're working (they all work in pubs), are going out, are sleeping out or if they are coming home for dinner. I also quite like to know if they're not working and are in during the day as I'm attempting to wfh at that time and I can try to go elsewhere if I know they are around - this gives them freedom to watch tv and constantly use the kitchen.

I also ask them to tell me if they have a boyfriend staying over as I don't want to bump into him in my underwear in the morning.

I tell them all of this information for me too. I exchanged the same information with my house mates when I lived in a shared house, so I don't think this is unreasonable.

I should add - none of my dds have to ask my permission to go anywhere and they come and go as they please. It's just about keeping me informed of general plans.

There are additional needs here, we all automatically let each other know if not coming home, hoping to get fed, and when I'm hitting the launderette with a family wash. We all come and go as we please, but communicate. We're adults, but a family with some intertwined needs and it's courtesy not the Spanish Inquisition.

One AN family member not here the whole time, who isn't and never will be independent, and who's in and out can allow me some breathing spaces.

Other AN Dc has tracking app as do I. It's there for emergencies only, we don't go spying on each other. Trust is important.
Also letting me know if they're coming home in the early hours so I know when I hear noises on the doorstep etc it's likely to be them, and don't go into defense mode. (had a few intruders over the years)

In the early days expected to say where they were going to be staying, and changing mind over food was ok, but as they got more competent, not expected to say where but we generally do, and expected not to seek feeding then cancel willy nilly as may result in irritated cook and that's not smart.

Biggest transition issues with AN Dc, was ensuring everything locked behind them, frequent loosing keys, and occasional chancers trying to follow them in at night, but that's our area and they've learnt better awareness. Air tag helped with keys a bit, and at one point we used a key safe.

My children have all lived at home at various times since becoming adults. Generally they have let me know their vague plans ie out overnight,away for a week etc .
Plans changed regularly so they were self sufficient food wise if that was the case.

Dd is just about to turn 21. She generally comes and goes as she pleases but does let me know if she won’t be in for dinner and if I’m in bed texts me a ‘home’ when she gets in just so I know she’s here.
she doesn’t generally stay out overnight unless she has booked to go away somewhere it I know that’s she’d let me know if she was staying out overnight. It’s just polite to let other people in the house know who is in and who isn’t rather than keeping tabs on her. If dh and I are going to be late or out we let everyone else know too.

I live at home as an adult but not out of çhoice. We alternate the nights we cook. I let stepdad know my general plans as in I will be leaving extra early or will be back after 10PM kind of thing.

My dd is 21 and let's me know if she won't be home for dinner as most night we eat together if everyone is at home. She would let me know if she was staying out over night too.

I would appreciate a message to say not coming home tonight if you were expecting them just so I don't worry.

Likewise if not wanting dinner it's just courtesy to let you know

Pretty much this in our house too

I'd imagine DC over 18 would usually come and go as and when, but as adults would, they'd politely mention their movements in passing convo or if asked. I wouldn't be cooking meals for them or supplying food. So they could sort that themselves whenever.
If parents wanted them to do something as a favour then they should try and be available if not at work or college. And obviously always do own cleaning, laundry etc.

19 and a bit of a knob. I usually phone about 5ish as I'm just about to start tea to say, 'Do you want tea tonight?' If he answers and wants it then I cook for him too.

No answer, I don't. I assume he'll sort himself out.

If he's not coming home all night then I expect the courtesy of a text so I'm not worrying. He mostly manages that. Is mostly home for the night, to be honest.

You are absolutely not being unreasonable. She's a cheeky little madam. It's just good manners to let the people you live with know if you're going to be in or out.
Our son is just waiting to exchange on a flat, he's 32 but the tables have turned with us DH and I like to go out during the day and we told him we were just going to Matalan and then we decided to go on somewhere else and when we got back he had a right face on and said "long queue in Matalan was it?" 😂😂😂 .

DD 21 cooks and shops for herself so it doesn't affect us if she’s here or not in that regard. She usually says roughly what time she will be back and if she is staying at her boyfriend’s house. To be honest I think that’s just common courtesy when you are living in someone else’s house. She is currently saving to move out.

I don't think you're being overbearing for expecting a young adult to act like an adult Anonym00se. Communication is the expected norm between adults sharing a home.
Giving an approx idea of when you are and aren't going to be around isn't unreasonable, and if no real idea as having fun I'd expect to be told a wide range approximate; ie by late tonight, but if not, by tomorrow evening.
The rent is split between us fairly as adults, if they wanted to live by hotel rules, they'd be advised to move into one.

Yes, dc (22) tells us roughly when he’s in and out, but partly so we always know there’s someone to walk the dog etc.

We assume them out for dinner unless they tell us they’re in. They both have their own food they can make if they forget to tell us but there were too many occasions of us making food and they’d have forgotten they were out so we’re flipped it.
i expect to be told if they’re not home overnight but don’t quiz on where or why.
they do their own washing and I expect any mess in kitchen they’ve made to be cleaned up by them.
They walk the dog when they’re around but that’s not that much!
Unlike a lot here, I can’t wait for them both to move out, 24 and 23 years old so might still be a while…

It’s really not - when our flatmate and uni disappeared for 3 days it was worrying and although she would often disappear
for a day or two this was a day longer than normal we were about to call the police but not knowing whether or not we should was awful and she did sail v close to the wind with what she did

she now has a 20 year old and has apologised for disappearing.

it is just sensible to just say not home see you tomorrow etc so you know