To ask if your adult dc live at home if they just come and go as they please?

[parkwego]

Just hitting a transition period of one of my dc being both an adult and going out for the first time. We are slightly later than many other families as one of my dc has additional needs.

If they live with you do they just come and go as they please without letting you know anything?
If they were not coming home and staying at a friends overnight would they let you know to not expect them?
If they said they were coming home at x time in time for tea would they let you know if they changed their mind?

Trying to navigate a new situation!

As for getting home, make sure he has the local taxi numbers in his phone and never walk home alone late and a good distance to walk. Just while he gets used to going out independently. Just hop in a taxi.

This is what DS did when he was still at home. Just basic courtesy - he always asked if it was ok if his girlfriend came to tea and gave us notice as she is veggie.

Mine says if away overnight or if they are going to be very late. They like their food so very much let me know if eating at home or want a plate saved.

My dd is 19. She does absolutely come and go as she pleases, and often stays away from home/eats elsewhere etc BUT she always communicates her plans in advance so that we know what's happening. That is indeed just common courtesy and not too much to ask at all.

I lived at home until my mid-20s and always let my mum know my movements, as a family we were used to saying, I'm off to wherever and I'll be back later, tomorrow, whatever, we did this from when we were allowed out on our own and it seemed normal to continue to do it. When I was working my hours were set and if I decided to go shopping or out straight from work, I'd just leave a message on the home phone as this was way before text and What'sapp. Also as mum did the majority of the cooking if you wanted feeding it was only polite to let her know. There were never any restrictions or questioning, just common courtesy.

When my DC reached a similar age they just did the same, I may have had issues with DC2's attitude but they never stayed out without saying they were or dropped off the grid. Mine went to uni, came back, went to uni, Covid happened so they came back, went back to uni and now finally they both have their own places.

Thank you everyone. Can I ask for those that spend a lot of time away from the house in an evening after work or stop overnight at friends a couple of times a week and such, do they contribute financially at all to the household?
This is all new to me!

Mine doesn't contribute. She would if I asked her to but we don't need it and I would rather not take her money. Wouldn't hesitate if finances were tight though.

DS pays £50 a week. He's 19 and working.

If he chooses to eat somewhere else or stay somewhere else, that's up to him. But the roof over your head needs paying for...and I don't knock money off.

You don't get the option to skip paying rent if you're elsewhere. So you don't argue at home.

A roof, wifi, all bills, shower, use of the washing machine, 3 meals a day if wanted - for £7 a day? I'd bite someone's hand off.

I'd think they should say if they're not going to be in until after your bedtime/ out all night but not apart from that.

Mine don't contribute either as we don't need it.

All adults share the rent and bills here, but house rules are you get rent free if working a gap year earning for uni, subsidized if at uni, pay your fair share if / once full time earning.

Covid shutdowns destroyed decades of hard work here so it's the only option.

When mine were students, but home in the holidays, they didn't contribute anything financially. The money they earned in the holidays was for them to choose to subsidise themselves the next year, or saving for holidays or whatever.
Once they were earning however, yes, mine did contribute some housekeeping. Neither paid a commercial rent or anything, as they were here to save for their own places. That of course was only possible because we are in the privileged position of being able to afford to have them living here.

My young adult children come & go as they please, but we are close, so they always tell me their plans as part of a conversation about what they’ve got happening that day / week. I cook for them if I know they’re going to be home, but sometimes plans change when they’re out so it goes in the fridge for someone to have for lunch the next day.

They don’t contribute financially, but have offered to.