To ask if your adult dc live at home if they just come and go as they please?

[parkwego]

Just hitting a transition period of one of my dc being both an adult and going out for the first time. We are slightly later than many other families as one of my dc has additional needs.

If they live with you do they just come and go as they please without letting you know anything?
If they were not coming home and staying at a friends overnight would they let you know to not expect them?
If they said they were coming home at x time in time for tea would they let you know if they changed their mind?

Trying to navigate a new situation!

Mine come and go as they please. I like to have an idea where the 18yo is but don't tend to ask the 24yo.

I do expect them to let me know if they plan to eat with us and if they are coming home or not so I don't worry.

Common courtesy when you share with anyone, whether family, roommate or partner. Let them know when or if you'll be back, update if appropriate, whether you want food (depending on your arrangement). No difference who you share with. Courtesy.

A text message if they are not coming back to eat, or staying out late. Most meals could be kept in fridge for a microwave restoration. I always asked my adult DCs when they come home late, to take shoes off & leave inside front door, that way, I know they were in, without having to break into their room. Definitely text rather than WiFi message, as their signal might not be great.

My 2 DS’s 28 and 31 (I know) still at home, are really good at keeping us informed of things and always have been. Youngest is stuck to phone and messages DH several times a day anyway. We’ve had bust ups about not letting us know things like meals in the past, but it’s a lot better at the moment.

My DS lived here over lockdown and until he went back to Uni .
Eventually he got a job in a bar and did shifts around his uni work
Always text to say whether in or out
I always left a portion of dinner in the fridge.
It got hoovered up either when he got in or the next day for brunch
Zero food waste here 😂
It's basic manners and the rude DD would be told or she could move out

Mine both lived with us for short periods in their 20s.

In both cases, they came and went as they pleased but I expected them to tell me if they weren't planning to eat at home or if they were going to be out late.

When I moved back home for a bit after uni, my parents just asked me to let them know if I would be in for dinner or was sorting out my own food and also if I was not going to be back overnight. They didn't need to know where I was going or what I was doing but both of those are think are just common courtesy or for safety.

OP. My cautionary tale when a DS with additional needs started going out and about on his own.

He was 20, but young for his age. Was working and had bought a nice watch and a nice necklace. We told him not to go out wearing them, but he wouldn't listen.

He started off with friends we knew, then bumped into someone he had known at college and decided to go with that person instead. He didn't know their full name or where lived, just a nickname.

We got a call about 5 a.m. from A&E. He had been found, high as a kite, lying in the main road. He had no phone, no watch and no chain. Totally taken advantage of by someone he hardly knew and had left him in the road after robbing him.

So although you can say you want to know where they are and what they are doing, once they have left the house there isn't a lot you can do.

That experience did shock him and he was very wary of actually going anywhere unless we took him and collected him. But that was a couple of years ago and that shock wore off. We ask that he stays in touch when he is out and whilst we can't insist he comes back at a set time, we do encourage him to do so.

Thank you for your replies. This is so helpful and you have confirmed my feelings about informing if you are going to be back late or not at all. DC seems to feel like I am badgering her if I ask but like most of you I feel it is just common courtesy.

This type of thing worries me so much as DC is also young for their age and lacks the understanding of social situations and incidents like this.

I think it's courtesy to say if not coming home, and also a safety thing. And a manner of respect too.

Also to let you know if home for dinner. But I would also expect them to chip in with cleaning and house work and to make meals too.

Our youngest ds22 is a student and works evenings in a pub, also goes out with friends a lot. He generally let's us know his plans as a courtesy in terms of cooking, and texts when he gets home on a night - this is, I think, habitual from when he was younger. I usually find his text when I wake in the morning!

i'm an adult who still lives with a parent.. i'm much older though. I still let my 72yo mum know what i'm doing, to a point. I'm 43, and you're welcome to point this out to your DD.

Its courtesy to let the others in the house know if they need to include you in evening meals, and if you'll be home before/after the front door is locked for the night/away for the whole night.

The rest is none of anyone elses business.. IE.. where i'm going, who with..etc.

Yeah, ignore all the posts telling you otherwise. They obviously don't have kids with the same issues and are very happy to tell you how wonderfully independent their kids are and how cool they are as a parents and they wouldn't dream of trying to keep tabs on their child. But it's not helpful.

The best you can do is let them get on with it but try to get as much info out of them, and maybe arrange to pick them up if you can? We all learn by our mistakes, so if you can let them make mistakes but minimise the fall out, you are doing good.

Mine do. But we do talk so they would say if they want food together, otherwise we do our own thing.

I think that sort of situation can happen to any young person, they do not need to have additional needs to be taken advantage of by others. My parents tried to 'smother' me and it really backfired because it took me much longer to learn resilience and to trust my own judgement. My first summer holiday home after a year away at college was really a turning point for my relationship with my parents. I politely pointed out that for about 9 months of the year they had no idea where I was or the time I got home. Yes I told my parents when I would not be home and where I was staying and would let Mum know if I would or would not be home for an evening meal, but it cut both ways in that my parents would let me know if they were going to be out too so I would not worry about them.

I expect to know if I’m cooking for them, don’t need to know if they are not coming home for one night as that’s pretty common but like to know if I’m not going to see them for a few days. Proof of life so to speak.

When I was that age, the conversation would basically have gone 'Are you eating with us this evening?' and I'd have either said 'Oh, yes please' or 'No, don't worry, I'm going out'. I only really lived at home as an adult while I was working for a year before university, and then for about six months after I graduated, but I was at home during the university holidays as well.

I think I used to give my parents a vague idea of what time I'd be back, but nothing very precise. More like 'We're just going to the pub so I'll be back after closing' or 'Not sure how late I'll be out, but it might be the early hours of the morning so don't worry if you don't hear me come in'.

This is the arrangement we have. If DS1 wants feeding he needs to let me know, but sometimes he will be back later and cook for himself. If he isnt coming home that night he lets me know, but only ebcause he knows I am a worrier. He spends about 50% of the time at his GF's.

We approach it as acting and treating them like adults. If they want to act like adults then thats fine with us. All we ask for is some mutual consideration.

We have a family whatsapp. Messages usually go like

"Staying at ......., be back tomorrow for dinner"
"Can .......... come for dinner please"
"Finishing work at 10pm tonight, dont wait up"
"Dont include me for dinner, going to cook for myself"

It takes seconds to communicate and sometimes it can break down but in general just let them get on with it.

My DD has SEN, taken longer to grow up etc. She told me what she was doing until about 25. I now joke for her to post the odd thing on FB so I now that she is alive. When she is on holiday, I get messages because she wants favours doing. I don't cook for her, regularly, it stopped at about 22. She now (27) tells me her plans so I'm around for her cat.

My ds's 19 and 22 let me know if they are out overnight, so does my lodger. No restrictions, just like to know I don't have to worry if they are not in in the morning.

My son is home from uni the moment. He comes and goes as he pleases but let's us know rough plans. If he's not coming home, he'll text to let us know, if he's said he'll be back for dinner and plans change, he'll let us know etc. It's just courtesy, we all keep each other informed.

We ask that they let us know if they change their plans or if they are not coming back.

One of mine has additional needs and it was tricky at first. We all struggled with it for longer than with the others.

Mine come and go as they please, but they always let me know if they are sleeping over at a friends. As for dinner I will always ask them if they are eating at home and if they don't know I will make them dinner and put in the fridge for them to eat the next day if they are not able to eat it that night.