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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if your adult dc live at home if they just come and go as they please?

113 replies

parkwego · 19/08/2024 17:03

Just hitting a transition period of one of my dc being both an adult and going out for the first time. We are slightly later than many other families as one of my dc has additional needs.

If they live with you do they just come and go as they please without letting you know anything?
If they were not coming home and staying at a friends overnight would they let you know to not expect them?
If they said they were coming home at x time in time for tea would they let you know if they changed their mind?

Trying to navigate a new situation!

OP posts:
redtrain123 · 19/08/2024 18:26

notanotheronenow · 19/08/2024 17:41

bizarre and paranoid

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I would say that’s common courtesy, not bizarre and paranoid.

RaininSummer · 19/08/2024 18:27

I think its common courtesy to let the people you live with have a rough idea of your movement and also a good safety check. If you cook for them then 100 per cent i would want to know plans.

DelphiniumBlue · 19/08/2024 18:33

Yes, anyone who lives in my house keeps the rest of us informed as to movements- usually verbally or on the family WhatsApp.
As a minimum, they'll let me know if they won't be in for dinner, and I'd expect that to be well before I start cooking it.
They can come and go as they please, but I want to know who's in or out, and I ask them to text me when they get in, even if it's 4am, so that a) I'm not worrying and b) I won't hoover outside their room if I know they're sleeping in!
The ones here currently are in their 20s, fully adult, and are only here temporarily.
It's never been an issue.

thing47 · 19/08/2024 18:36

Jeezitneverends · 19/08/2024 18:07

Pretty much this in our house too

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Here too. I have 2 x twentysomethings living at home at present. They have jobs and cars so they come and go as they please, we don't keep tabs on their whereabouts. But DH cooks from scratch most evenings and hates food waste so he does like to know in advance how many he is cooking for. As for staying out overnight, the only reason we need to know goes to whether we lock the front door or not!

HaveANiceFuckingDay · 19/08/2024 18:42

Yes come and go as they please
No I don't cook for them. There used to be many a wasted meal.
There's food in the fridge / freezer if they are hungry

LadyInDecline · 19/08/2024 18:57

Dd lets me know if she will be back for meals or staying out. If her plans change she will always text me....eg if she ends up at a friend's instead of coming home as planned she will text me. I don't check my messages at 3 am but she knows I will see it in the morning!

RM2013 · 19/08/2024 18:59

Mine are older teens 17 and 19. We’ve always asked them to let us know if they’re out when they are likely to be back. If DS1 stays over at his GF house he lets us know and we generally ask of they’re eating dinner with us - so we can plan mostly.
after my first failed marriage I moved back in with my parents in my early 20’s but always let them know if I was going out and what time I’d be back A just out of courtesy really

BrigadierEtienneGerard · 19/08/2024 19:16

I would expect them to say if they were planning to be out overnight or missing a family meal, but aside from that, they can do as they please.

shieldmaiden7 · 19/08/2024 21:51

They message to say they are on their way home or staying out so I know not to save them food etc.. other than that they are young adults and I leave them to it

nokidshere · 19/08/2024 21:55

Mine message me if they aren't coming home, or message me to say they are already home if I am out later than them. I don't cook for them but if I did I'd either plate a spare up or stick a portion in the freezer.

LimoncelloSpritz · 19/08/2024 22:15

Mine's at Uni and working away over the summer, but if she's here I like to know if she's coming home at night or not, or if she wants dinner. A text takes seconds and it's just polite. I wouldn't disappear off the face of the earth without anyone knowing where I was and I'm 55.

Runnerinthenight · 19/08/2024 22:25

notanotheronenow · 19/08/2024 17:41

bizarre and paranoid

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It's really not. It's common courtesy!

Runnerinthenight · 19/08/2024 22:26

notanotheronenow · 19/08/2024 17:44

you do sound very overbearing unless you're asking for legitimate reasons like because you want to know whether to keep or use up leftovers or because granny is asking if she'll be at xyz family event.

Show quote history

The poster doesn't sound in the least bit overbearing. Her DD is rude and discourteous!

LonelyInDville · 19/08/2024 22:43

My DD is late 20s and she always lets me know when she’s coming and going. She still asks if it’s ok to have friends over, she’s very respectful that way, I love it 🥰

Girliefriendlikespuppies · 19/08/2024 22:45

I'd want to know a basic plan, especially if they're staying out.

Surely that's just common courtesy plus a safety issue 🤷‍♀️

PandaG · 19/08/2024 23:01

24 yo son has been back at home since graduating 2 years ago. I do most of the cooking, so ask before shopping which nights he is working away from home, and if he has any other plans that week. Obviously things can change on the day, and he will message if he's eating out or going to be much later home than normal. On the rare occasion he forgets and I cater for him one of us will have the meal for lunch the following day. He does all his own laundry and is supposed to clean the family bathroom though sometimes needs reminding! We also let him know if we are out for dinner or having friends round. Generally works well for all of us. He's about to move out into his own place, intending to have him round for dinner at least once a fortnight so we get to see him.
Daughter has not returned home post uni, but when she stays we expect communication re meals she will be in for and if she will be out late. Both have house keys and (dire financial circumstances excepted) know there will always be a bed for them at home, but not necessarily their bedroom - we plan to redecorate for guests and to use as sewing room/home office too.

NewName24 · 19/08/2024 23:03

Mine have all spent time, living at home, as adults, and yes, they would obviously let us know if they weren't coming home or if they wanted food / were eating out etc. That's just common courtesy. DH, or I would show the same respect.
That doesn't mean anyone had a curfew or anything - as adults they make their own choices, but they are also adult enough to understand if people just disappear without telling anyone, then that is worrying for people.

loobylou10 · 19/08/2024 23:08

I totally disagree @notanotheronenow - @Anonym00se you don't sound overbearing at all. Your daughter sounds rude and thoughtless.

Newname71 · 19/08/2024 23:15

I have a 17 year old and a 24 year old. The 24 year old moved out last month but prior to that came and went as he pleased. The only thing I asked of him was to let me know if he was staying out all night.
17 year old DS is a dream, he still asks permission to stay out late for parties or to stay out all night at friends. I’ve told him he doesn’t need to ask permission, just keep me in the loop… he still asks.
He’s a proper homebody though, he’ll ask to stay at a mates, then turn up back home anyway because he prefers his own bed.

Zonder · 19/08/2024 23:20

All of us communicate. So we let each other know who is in for dinner, staying elsewhere, got a friend coming over. Everyone can do as they like but it seems only polite to let one another know.

Aside from that we often chat about where we are going and who with.

Roz77 · 19/08/2024 23:20

My son is 27 and always let's me know about dinner, and where he is etc, even when he is miles away at his girlfriends, he still keeps me updated about how he is. I'd be out of my mind. He wasn't always sure himself so he'd get annoyed with me asking, especially when out and about, trying to be cool,but I'll give him his dues, he never stayed out all night and didn't check in

7wwkw · 19/08/2024 23:21

Not ok to just do whatever without informing you. it’s thoughtless and rude.

mathanxiety · 19/08/2024 23:28

Mine have all come and gone since about age 16. They've all been happy to update me on plans, and give me a heads up if they're having friends over.

Gassylady · 20/08/2024 08:04

loobylou10 · 19/08/2024 23:08

I totally disagree @notanotheronenow - @Anonym00se you don't sound overbearing at all. Your daughter sounds rude and thoughtless.

Exactly this. It is not overbearing to want to know they have plans that involve staying out overnight. I don’t need to know what (or who!) the plans are just not to worry if they don’t come home. As lots have said that is courtesy and a safety thing.
Also had a housemate in uni who was very unreliable in that regard. She might say one thing then a message would get to us asking for someone to pick her up from a random pub/club or house because she was too drunk to be safe on her own.

socks1107 · 20/08/2024 08:22

Pretty much. We all let each other know our plans for the day and check if that changes.
It works both ways though in our house