secretive about "good" A level grades to family.

[wheresmymillionaire]

Genuine question, and I'm happy to be told I'm being nosy if necessary!
Is it normal to not share exam grades with family? We are a small family with one niece. Apparently DN was happy with her recent A level results as she passed them all, and my sister put on FB a pic of them out celebrating the results and how proud they were etc. I gave DN some money to say well done, but neither DN nor DS are prepared to say what grades she got. I just find this odd. What's the big deal? Why can't I know what grades she got and be proud of her?

My DC got between them a full mix of A* to E's so I'm not going to be judgmental!

I haven’t told anyone my son’s grades as it’s his information to share, not mine. I got his permission to tell his Dad. If someone asks me his grades, I advise them to ask him directly.

No. They are not. Don't be ridiculous.

My sister is the type of person who wants to know all your business but is very vague and non- commital about hers.

I don't be telling anyone my DS's GCSE results. It's up to him. They are his results not mine. Just that he has ( hopefully) got what he needed to get to the next stage. I love my family but they don't need to know the exact results. Why would they? My DM and my dbro don't have a clue about the grading system so it will be meaningless.

I can understand it. I have one friend who is constantly telling me what her kids results are then demands to know what my kids got (same age) I'm not interested in comparing her kids with mine I refuse to be drawn into competitive parenting.
My dad's partner is the same, wanting to compare her grandchildren with my dc's. I can't be doing with it. I'm happy for any child that does well, comparing then against each other isn't of any benefit.

Of course you should still hand it over! It's the end of 2 years of work. The results themselves and the certificates are the reward for the actual achievement. Any presents and cards from relatives are for the effort, and can act as a celebration or commiseration. Who'd be so mean as to withhold that from a young person just because they don't know whether to hand it over with a "congratulations!" or not? A kind person hands it over with "Well done for getting through your A-levels, DN! Here's a little something to help you with whatever you're doing with the next stage of your life."

It reminds me of when I was on Facebook and people would write a cryptic post, cue everyone asking if they were alright. And they would reply to the chosen few 'I've inboxed you'

If you don't want to talk about an event in your life then literally don't . Don't act like it's some big secret that only a special few can access.

@CurlyhairedAssassin while I agree with pretty much everything you have said, families are or can be a lot more complicated than that and sometimes you just want to protect your children from it.

You can have a nosy aunt you don't want to cut off entirely because it will affect all other relationships, but also you don't want to give them ammunition to slag off your child.

There’s quite often a reason they haven’t shared it with you.

do you have a reputation for being judgey; or making remarks, or gossiping?

Speaking from very recent personal experience (A level results) my DS got accepted for his medicine course. Paternal aunt asked what he got - we told them AAA. She replied - “there were people who got straight A*’s.” I asked who - thinking a relative or friend of hers “no, on ticktoc”.
And yes it did make my son feel a bit pants, the fact she felt the need to say that? We are well aware lots of students got straight stars(!).

I informed her my son has had no tuition not even for his ucat (scored 2920 band 1
five weeks practice) , she knows he goes to a deprived state school, has had to deal with a whole heap of rubbish thrown at him from his dad since a young age to date, social care involvement etc to name a few. I did go on and talk about his extra work he has done that is required for a med school that wouldn’t necessarily be required for other degrees students who can solely focus on study - unlike my DS. Etc .

I was cross with myself afterwards for justifying his mere AAA in chem bio maths.

If someone tells me their great news - I congratulate them- not tell them about someone getting better.
Aibu?

Do we have the same sister 😂

"Very pleased and proud of DN's grades, congrats!"

"Very pleased and proud of DN's grades (AAA), congrats!"

The second looks better to you?

Put simply, its none of your business, and to then say this feels like being put at arms length and that youre not close reeks a bit of emotional manipulation

At age 18 your DN has the right to choose what to share (or what not to share) with anybody, and yes that means you darling auntie as much as you might think its all about you, its not.

@4andnotcounting 😂
After years of bragging about her daughter, both my children got much better results than her and I just did a little smug inward smile.

I would not expect anyone to make exam results public knowledge.
I am talking about telling your aunty who takes an interest in you.
Anyway, I am clearly in the minority.
Righty or wrongly, I still feel a bit shut out of DN's life, which makes me feel sad.

*Very pleased and proud of DN's grades, congrats!"

"Very pleased and proud of DN's grades (AAA), congrats!"

The second looks better to you?*
Or even 'Very pleased and proud...(CCC)". She may have worked her butt off for 2 years to get that. No skin off your nose if she's worked hard and got into University with those grades, and it's no skin off your nose if she struggles with the course. If you think she's a lazy madam or you don't think she deserves the money, don't give it to her. If you want to reward her for doing her best and to do something nice for her, give it to her. Her grades don't matter to anyone but her.

I told my DS aunt and she attempted to take the shine off it (!) ( see my previous comments)
I could have said DS got 4 a stars and I can bet she would have said she knew of someone having five!
As a parent I get why people don’t tell. Not everyone is nice - even family.

I started replying and then realised you’re being g deliberating obtuse.

there seems to be a lot of nasty families out there. I'm sorry that people are like that. I think A levels are hard exams, and people should be proud of their results. Not everyone needs to get A*s. As long as you can move forward in the direction you want to, then you're a winner. Why be secretive? But I see now that most people like to be secretive about their exam grades. Each to their own.

You may be supportive but there may be others in their lives who would take shine off results - so if they tell no-one actual results and focus on next steps may just be easier for the teen in question.

I do t think you will ever understand your adult neices desire for privacy. Out of interest, how much of your personal information do you share? Where is your line?

you have no good reason to know her a level results. She has no good reason to know your salary or savings. Would you be happy to share that information with her?

salary is a reflection of your success - how can she know whether she should be proud of you or not if you don’t Tell her your salary?

But why do you need to know? It could easily be argued that the nasty family is the one who needs to know the results in order to feel they can be happy for them. Surely the happiness comes from the fact they are happy and as such to anyone other than the person who is getting the results the actual result is irrelevant.

where on earth have you got that from? Where has the op said she’s going to “go around”‘ saying anything.

MN is mad sometimes. We keep perfectly innocuous information highly secret from our own close family. We don’t answer the door. We find people saying good morning to us intrusive. And then we bemoan the lack of community and inclusion in society today. I really do wonder if I live in a parallel universe to a lot of you.

My Niece is doing her GCSEs next year and has already done mocks - My only question when she got her mock results was “are you happy?” I have no idea what she got and don’t need to.

Its nothing to do with not caring - I have seen her nearly daily since she was born - and everything to do with ensuring the focus isn’t on a grade but on happiness.

I'm really not. I'm struggling to see that the family's making the grades out to be anything better than 'no worse than good enough'. They don't seem to be lying or exaggerating, they're happy that the girl worked hard enough to be able to do what she wanted to.

I am obviously a much more open person than most.
If my DN wanted to know how much I earn't, yes, I would tell her. I would be open to any conversation she wanted to have with me.

I would pick my conversations more carefully with say, a work colleague.