secretive about "good" A level grades to family.

[wheresmymillionaire]

Genuine question, and I'm happy to be told I'm being nosy if necessary!
Is it normal to not share exam grades with family? We are a small family with one niece. Apparently DN was happy with her recent A level results as she passed them all, and my sister put on FB a pic of them out celebrating the results and how proud they were etc. I gave DN some money to say well done, but neither DN nor DS are prepared to say what grades she got. I just find this odd. What's the big deal? Why can't I know what grades she got and be proud of her?

My DC got between them a full mix of A* to E's so I'm not going to be judgmental!

I haven't shared my daughter's grades with family. They are her grades and up to her who she shares them with.
My sil makes everything a competition that her children always have to win and I wont play the game.

What bullshit.

If you want to be proud of her then be proud when she tells you she is happy.

She obviously feels you are unsupportive, judgemental and gossipy and your posts and your supposed need to get to the bottom of her supposed ‘secrecy’ by turning this back on her and disrespecting the boundaries they have set is showing you up in spades. What you should be doing is using it as a wake up call to self reflect it. What else are people not telling you and why not?
Your family obviously have a good measure of you.
.

My son asked me mot to share his A level results, as although he did very well, his cousin is less academic, and he didn't want family members to compare them.

🤣🤣🤣

No they're not.

What planet do you live in where you can find out any person's exam results? Go on, ring up the some exam boards and get your colleagues exam results .. go on, let us know how that goes.

To me, it's not a big deal who knows their grades.

But it's not (or shouldn't be) all about what YOU want. Surely what the recipient of the grades wants should factor into who gets told what?

The lassie is a teenager so who can guess what's going on in her teenage brain. Either way, I think it's right that her parents are honouring her feelings on the matter. No-one needs to know her exact grades.

I mostly agree with the OP.

"They've done very well and we're pleased" could mean anything from "they've done terribly at the whole lot and we're trying to pretend we're not upset" through to "they went up 2 grades in every subject and we're delighted but don't want to sound like we're boasting".

It means it's hard to know how to pitch congratulations for them.

I'm in similar position. My sibling who normally overshares on FB (think paragraphs taken from reports in primary school years), including GCSE results has said precisely nothing about dn's results.

I don't know whether to send a congratulations card or not. I know when sibling didn't do as well as they hoped at O-levels, they hated cards saying "well done" so I don't want to be guilty of causing more upset if that is the case, nor do I want them to think I'm ignoring it because I'm not interested.
Even if they'd just dropped a private message "he got the results he needed, going to Liverpool uni" or whatever then it gives me something to write in a card.

In all honesty, I don't mind what they have got; I do mind if they're upset, and I do mind if I do something that causes them more upset.

Agree with this reply.

Drop them a message and ask if a congrats card is appropriate?

well, I do, because of checking applications, That is what is meant by public exams.

That's not Public. You may have additional access to verify claimed qualifications through your employment. But that's not the same as publically available results.

I thought of that, but I'm not sure it will be taken well if results are bad. Sibling can catastrophise a bit, so if they aren't bad, but not what they wanted, it may be worse at the moment than it actually is iyswim. I might try that in a week or so time.

Currently my plan is to wait until they're off to uni and ask for their address so I can send a "new journey" type card, but if they have got great results, I'd have liked to celebrate that and make them feel special.

When I was at school, many schools used to put the A-level results in the paper!

Are you normally close to her? Do you know about her friends, her interests, her opinions on topical issues, her apirations for the future, what she likes to read and listen to?

Or are you more like my parents who rang up claiming to be very interested in DD's A Levels results who would have no idea about any of the above and haven't actually spoken to her in a year.

if you're genuinely close and she hasn't chosen to share her results, why not ask why?

I am a "details" person too! I don't think it is nosy, but my many years on this earth have taught me others can find that intrusive and unsupportive. So when it is their details you need to respect that 100%. If you fish for details too much people who are not details people pick up on that and it makes them uncomfortable.

"I don't care who knows what grades my DC got." It doesn't matter if you care or not, they are not your grades, it is your dc's "details" and you need to respect whether they choose to share or not, whether those grades are good, bad or average. But this sentence illustrates your need to have and share "details", something I have learned to suppress.

Maybe it's me just wanting to feel closer as a family.................I just find it sad/odd they don't want to share how she did with close family" You don't need to know a set of letters to feel closer to your family. You want to feel closer to your niece then spend time with her, talk to her about teenage nonsense, take her on silly days out, have her over for sleepovers, watch chick flicks and do each others nails, (or whatever she is into) and over time if she feels comfortable, feels you are not being intrusive and she has your confidence she might open up to you, it takes being flexible, generous with your time and being a constant through their lives to get close to young family (although I warn you some of the things my niece confides to me can be heartbreaking to hear...)

Can't you be proud of her with out knowing the details??

Maybe it's me just wanting to feel closer as a family.

Maybe others don't?

I take the view that family is there to support and celebrate with each other within a close unit.

Maybe others don't?

It's nothing to do with comparing people, everyone has different skills and strengths. I just find it sad/odd they don't want to share how she did with close family who would be delighted she has done well and is happy.

Maybe they don't?

I am a details person. I like to know details!

Maybe others aren't and don't?

I don't care who knows what grades my DC got. They both did themselves proud and that's all that matters. To me, it's not a big deal who knows their grades.

Maybe it is to others?

I'll take it from this thread though that I'm being nosy!

Maybe others think you are?

OP do you experience this black and white thinking in other aspects of your life? Have there been tensions with friends and colleagues when you don’t pick up on or understand boundaries or social queues. When your need to have answers takes over.

you describe yourself as a details person. Your need to have this information seems to override you ability to understand and respect your neices wishes and boundaries.

it’s worth taking some time to sit with this, think about why this is so important to you. Why your
need to be right trumps all else.

Secretive OP?
What about 'not boastful'. What if you don't want to boast that you've got 3x A*.
Or 2 x A* + an A. ?

I didn’t announce my DD’s grades- just told people that she had passed her A Levels. She was a bit disappointed with her grades- one in particular. I felt it was up to her whether she wanted to tell people her grades or not. She isn’t going to University so that isn’t relevant.

She didn’t do enough work, but without making excuses for her, she had a couple of tough spots during those 2 years including an eating disorder and an ADHD diagnosis (which didn’t come until too late) so I understand why she didn’t meet her potential and am just proud that she finished the courses and passed them, albeit not with stellar grades.

In my various WhatsApp groups (NCT, other Mum friends), I didn’t share the grades but talked generally about the results, and the other Mums were the same- very few announced the specific grades, even though we all knew that some of the kids would have likely got top grades.

My teen is quite private and didn’t want me to share her exact grades. She got her first choice uni place and is very happy as are we. She’s also having one remarked for her own peace of mind as marking seems very off.

I think it's completely reasonable for a teenager to be supported by their parents to choose who to share the specifics of their results with. I would hope any adults important to that teen would respect their decision and be able to prioritise the teen's needs over their own.

Most of my wider family is not into the sharing of the nitty-gritty so none of us expect to be given the grades gained by nieces and nephews. DC1 was delighted with their GCSE results and as the first grandchild on both sides of the family there was no-one for their results to be compared with. Even so, I think the only people who were given any details of grades were those who asked DC1 directly. The nieces and nephews who've taken GCSEs since haven't come away with such high grades but none of my siblings or sisters-in-law know that because they don't know what DC1 got.

The same DC was quite unwell during A-levels and was disappointed with the A* and 2 x C grades they received on results day. Their uni place wasn't affected but DC didn't want anyone to know about their grades. It was only when they realised a grandparent thought their 'I passed everything' comment meant they'd got 3x E that they decided to take a different approach.

On results days I tend to message my siblings or friends with a, 'I hope X gets what they need today' or similar. And I mean it. I want them to know I've remembered and that I care about their child, I don't need details to do that.

On the one hand, yes I understand she feels the need to modify her behaviour like that. On the other, it’s sad she cannot discern the people who will (genuinely!) be happy for her.

Well I've no idea about your family OP but in our family we are 100% certain we won't be sharing any actual grades with anyone on DH's side of the family, because his experience and his brother's experience growing up was that love and acceptance were directly proportional to and conditional on academic success. Our DC with additional needs and neurodiversity issues will probably not be getting stellar GCSE results and every pointed enquiry of "well how did he do" will be answered with a very imprecise "we're really proud. He worked so hard" because it's absolutely none of their business and I will not have a nasty comment about disappointment be uttered.

No. They’re public exams in that they’re set by external, public bodies, but the results are not published. Schools and universities get access but no one else can.

You still haven't explained how knowing her grades will make you feel closer as a family

But did they get an ology?
Are they going to be a scientist?