Splitting my mum's ashes

bodybrodyurgh · 2024-08-18T21:20:00+00:00

My brother is estranged from the rest of the family - he has refused to come to the scattering of my Mum's ashes and instead has said he wants half of her ashes to scatter elsewhere. I hate the idea of her ashes not being together and think he should just come to the scattering - I think he's being selfish and it isn't want my mum would have wanted. AIBU?

mondaytosunday · 18/08/2024 23:05

Did she express any wishes as to what to do with the ashes? Was your brother estranged from her or other family members?
If affirmative I'd tell him no, he doesn't have any say.
We split my parents ashes. We took some to their house in Spain. I'm glad I insisted with my fathers ashes as my mother scattered the rest in a private park which we have no access to. I did point this out to her at the time.

KrisAkabusi · 18/08/2024 23:49

If ashes are scattered, they are not going to be together anyway. That's sort of the point, they blow and drift away, to become part of the cycle again. I know you're grieving, but she was his mother too.

Beetrickspotter · 18/08/2024 23:51

nothing could persuade me to split ashes, bad JuJu imo. I'd give them all to brother if it came to it, rather than split them

Lizzie67384 · 18/08/2024 23:53

What’s wrong with splitting ashes? My mum wants to be cremated and has asked for her ashes to be spread in a couple of different places that are special to her; also ashes separate anyway so not like they’d stay together in one spot?

lemonmeringueno3 · 18/08/2024 23:56

Go ahead with the scattering. He was invited, so his choice whether to attend or not. No other options were offered.

Dotto · 19/08/2024 00:01

KrisAkabusi · 18/08/2024 23:49

If ashes are scattered, they are not going to be together anyway. That's sort of the point, they blow and drift away, to become part of the cycle again. I know you're grieving, but she was his mother too.

No, they are not technically ashes so they don't drift away, they're not light like wood ash. As they are pulverised bone fragments they remain largely where they fall, unless you throw them off a cliff or something into the air.

Beetrickspotter · 19/08/2024 00:08

they are pulverised bone fragments

are they?? I didn't know that, I thought the bones weren't burnt to cinders by the high heat?

Lizzie67384 · 19/08/2024 00:11

Beetrickspotter · 19/08/2024 00:08

they are pulverised bone fragments

are they?? I didn't know that, I thought the bones weren't burnt to cinders by the high heat?

The ashes of my grandmother were very lightweight and blew away immediately - was actually v hard to scatter properly as it was windy! (We think she would have found this funny!)

Dotto · 19/08/2024 00:11

Beetrickspotter · 19/08/2024 00:08

they are pulverised bone fragments

are they?? I didn't know that, I thought the bones weren't burnt to cinders by the high heat?

Nope, the consistency is like sand. The industry refers to it as ashes to gloss over this fact. Most of the body disappears up the chimney as smoke and vapours, but the bigger bones such as pelvis etc are left and crushed up.

HeddaGarbled · 19/08/2024 00:13

If you have the ashes interred then you’d all be able to visit separately.

Dotto · 19/08/2024 00:13

What's neat is that the weight of the remains following cremation are roughly that of a newborn baby.

Beetrickspotter · 19/08/2024 00:15

Dotto · 19/08/2024 00:11

Nope, the consistency is like sand. The industry refers to it as ashes to gloss over this fact. Most of the body disappears up the chimney as smoke and vapours, but the bigger bones such as pelvis etc are left and crushed up.

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well I never, every day is a school day

Beetrickspotter · 19/08/2024 00:16

Dotto · 19/08/2024 00:13

What's neat is that the weight of the remains following cremation are roughly that of a newborn baby.

I was really surprised by the weight of my dad's 'ashes'. it does make more sense now

RogueFemale · 19/08/2024 00:22

I don't think you ABU.

Your brother has chosen not to come to the planned event, that's his choice and he can't expect to dictate what happens to your Mum's ashes.

Dotto · 19/08/2024 00:24

Beetrickspotter · 19/08/2024 00:16

I was really surprised by the weight of my dad's 'ashes'. it does make more sense now

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Something unexpected happened when I was handed my Dad's ashes (in a surreal green gift bag. I just got an overwhelming comforting sensation that, yes, this is you. It was reassuring, not scary at all.

Beetrickspotter · 19/08/2024 00:28

Dotto · 19/08/2024 00:24

Something unexpected happened when I was handed my Dad's ashes (in a surreal green gift bag. I just got an overwhelming comforting sensation that, yes, this is you. It was reassuring, not scary at all.

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ah, that's lovely ❤️

must admit, we have no plans to scatter my dad. he is on the shelf by his chair and I also feel a sense of comfort sitting next to him 🥺

TheMamaYo · 19/08/2024 00:29

I’m so sorry for your loss, this must be really hard for you. And I’m also sorry that the conversation above went the way it did, I’m sure you didn’t need to read that at this stage.

We’ve lost my mama recently, and my sister requested the ashes split, as she wanted to use some in planting trees. I was uncomfortable with it at first, but soon came to the conclusion that my mum would have wanted us to find comfort, in whichever way. And if that brings my sister comfort, she’d have been ok with it from where we believe she is now.

If your brother needs that comfort, would your mum have wanted to give it to him?

Wishing you so much strength. This is incredibly hard, is t it?

Bigcat25 · 19/08/2024 00:30

If it's not what you're Mom would have wanted, then that should stand. These are her final wishes, and I wouldn't divide them to accomodate his estrangement choice.

Beetrickspotter · 19/08/2024 00:32

I’m so sorry for your loss, this must be really hard for you. And I’m also sorry that the conversation above went the way it did, I’m sure you didn’t need to read that at this stage.

what are you talking about? we are discussing ashes. my dad died 2 months ago, I don't think it's insensitive. but OP, if I have upset you then I am sorry

personally, the idea of splitting ashes is horrifying

Tahlbias · 19/08/2024 00:37

I'm sorry for your loss op. What did your mum want?

Dotto · 19/08/2024 00:40

"she wanted to use some in planting trees. I was uncomfortable with it at first, but soon came to the conclusion that my mum would have wanted us to find comfort, in whichever way. And if that brings my sister comfort, she’d have been ok with it from where we believe she is now"

Another myth I'm afraid. The remains are toxic, with the wrong PH and salts etc that often kill the tree they are planted with, unless they undergo specialist processing by a third party company to treat and neutralise certain compounds.

People pouring ashes in the ground near beauty spots near me are causing problems for the local flora.

I'd bury them as a whole and make it a memorial place.

ButWhatAboutTheBees · 19/08/2024 00:48

Was he estranged from her or just you?

If it's just you then it's like you are punishing him now by denying him the chance to say a final goodbye, or to process in his own way.

There's no "bad juju" in splitting ashes. Lots of people request theirs be split to scatter in various important places. My mother has 3 places she wants them scattering and I'd keep some too, as we have done with her parents. We have a little jar of both ashes on the side and my aunt has the same. Some of these were then used in jewelry so we always have a little piece of them with us. The rest we scattered (and, yes, some of that then blew away). So they are well split up, but in a way which gives us all comfort. And that's what they would have wanted.

ButWhatAboutTheBees · 19/08/2024 00:50

Dotto · 19/08/2024 00:40

"she wanted to use some in planting trees. I was uncomfortable with it at first, but soon came to the conclusion that my mum would have wanted us to find comfort, in whichever way. And if that brings my sister comfort, she’d have been ok with it from where we believe she is now"

Another myth I'm afraid. The remains are toxic, with the wrong PH and salts etc that often kill the tree they are planted with, unless they undergo specialist processing by a third party company to treat and neutralise certain compounds.

People pouring ashes in the ground near beauty spots near me are causing problems for the local flora.

I'd bury them as a whole and make it a memorial place.

Edited

If this was the case then how come our local crem has a whole woodland area which is thriving despite it being the place that they scatter the ashes?

Beetrickspotter · 19/08/2024 00:52

ButWhatAboutTheBees · 19/08/2024 00:48

Was he estranged from her or just you?

If it's just you then it's like you are punishing him now by denying him the chance to say a final goodbye, or to process in his own way.

There's no "bad juju" in splitting ashes. Lots of people request theirs be split to scatter in various important places. My mother has 3 places she wants them scattering and I'd keep some too, as we have done with her parents. We have a little jar of both ashes on the side and my aunt has the same. Some of these were then used in jewelry so we always have a little piece of them with us. The rest we scattered (and, yes, some of that then blew away). So they are well split up, but in a way which gives us all comfort. And that's what they would have wanted.

whether there is bad JuJu in splitting ashes is entirely a personal thing. it is not uncommon to want to keep a person 'as a whole' and it is not uncommon for a person's wishes to be that they are not split into pieces. you have no idea what OPs preferences, or her mother's, are

Dotto · 19/08/2024 00:54

ButWhatAboutTheBees · 19/08/2024 00:50

If this was the case then how come our local crem has a whole woodland area which is thriving despite it being the place that they scatter the ashes?

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Maybe it is carefully managed / very thinly spread. however the science is clear. Google it if you don't believe me.