Splitting my mum's ashes

[bodybrodyurgh]

My brother is estranged from the rest of the family - he has refused to come to the scattering of my Mum's ashes and instead has said he wants half of her ashes to scatter elsewhere.

I hate the idea of her ashes not being together and think he should just come to the scattering - I think he's being selfish and it isn't want my mum would have wanted.

AIBU?

They allow you to scatter yourself so can't manage the spread

I'm just confused by the conflicting ideas, Google does say planting with them is a problem so it might be the fact its on the surface?

I think they are less harmful for large/established trees

Nothing wrong with splitting them. We took a few of my Mum's ashes and had them made into a ring for my daughter so that she could feel her Granny was still close to her. We buried a very few in the roots of a tree that was planted in memory of my late sister - and the rest were scattered when it was windy and they did blow out for a distance.

Hmm, not sure. I read you can pay a few thousand to have cremated remains turned into a lab grown real diamond. That seems cool and I'd rather any funds were spent on that, over a lavish funeral. I think they take the whole lot.

Sorry OP for the derail.

Did he come to the funeral? I would think that was more important than being there to scatter the ashes. Just scatter them yourself.

again, there might be nothing wrong with splitting ashes for you. OP has already said that she doesn't want to

You don't say how long you've had her ashes, so I'm going to assume it's been quite recent, and so I'm sorry for your loss.

When we lost our mum, there were 3 offspring involved. One of my sisters wanted to scatter them somewhere special, my other sister wanted to keep them, and me, I didn't want anything to do with them. It wasn't because I didn't love my mum, to the contrary, she was my best friend and I'd never felt so much pain than what I did the day we lost her. Her ashes meant nothing to me.

My sisters and I decided that some of her ashes would be spread at the special place for one sister, and other sister would keep the rest.

Several years after her death we all contributed to a memorial place for her, and other sister had the ashes buried there.

I don't visit, but they do. I don't think there is a wrong or a right, but there is certainly nothing wrong with separating the ashes. The caveat to this I suppose is if you are religious?

Was your Mum Christian? There are religious beliefs and reasons to not split the ashes

I must admit I would feel a bit uncomfortable splitting them

I think a PP had a good idea - arrange for them to be interned and then you could visit separately. Do you have a Natural Burial ground nearby? It's possible to intern ashes there and it's a lovely setting

Nope, the consistency is like sand. The industry refers to it as ashes to gloss over this fact. Most of the body disappears up the chimney as smoke and vapours, but the bigger bones such as pelvis etc are left and crushed up

It depends, I think different place have different grinders or something, as I’ve seen quite a few different consistencies ranging from sand like to more like broken shells in small pieces to larger shards. All of them had a level of finer stuff though, so you’d have some of it just plop down on the ground in a pile and then ash like stuff that was blown about in the wind.

If you want them spilt it’s a good idea to ask the crem to do it for you. If you are in wales take your own bag as they don’t use plastic.

OP may not feel comfortable reading these type of posts fairly soon after bereavement

This. His choice. Come along or do not come. I wouldn’t be letting him call the shots.

I personally wouldn’t split them.

My late mother was vehemently against it after a neighbour was split between her children. I remember her on a rant about her head being in north wales, a leg in a forest in Buxton and a few toes in Essex.
made me laugh at the time, but it was something I hadn’t considered until that point.

after mum died I found her file of Very detailed instructions and it said to bury ashes with dad and do not split.

Could you split them anyway? There's not a thing on earth that could make me cut open that bag.

You're not supposed to scatter them anyway..it comes with a bit of paper thats clear what you can do with them. They're not harmless to the world.

Anglican priest here (haven't read whole thread, so apologies for any repetition).

The term 'scattering' is used by funeral directors, and is unfortunate because, actually, ashes are not supposed to be thrown to the four winds - they should be buried. In church/undertaker speak, 'scattering' ashes means burying them.

Also, the view of the Church is that ashes should not be split: we go through life as whole people, so should remain the same after death.

it's interesting to hear from a Christian POV

I'm Catholic and this is the Catholic Church's position too - not to split and not to scatter. They ask for the remains, whether cremated or not, to be interred in a consecrated place.

Lots of people do choose otherwise, but if the deceased person was religious it is something to consider.

I'm very sorry for your loss OP.

Some people have the empathy of a forgetful goldfish. A grieving poster asks what they should do with regards to their late mothers ashes and pp come on to tell her the process involved in obtaining said ashes really not necessary or relevant.

really? Bad juju??

As a Christian myself, we had no issues scattering them and had no "but you should be whole for the next life" - cremation itself actively destroys "the whole" in fact

And our priest is waiting to take both parents to scatter - disperse to the wind - their ashes. In church speak, if we have people coming to bury their loved one's ashes, we say "burial of cremated remains" or "internment of cremated remains". We wouldn't say scatter as people would think of them being poured out to the winds

Firstly, sorry for your loss.

Although they burn one body at a time, surely there are remnants of the last body? It’s like a huge bucket of sand. They take out any metal items too.

My aunt wants to be sprinkled in several locations. I would think if you believe then your soul is released upon death anyway and can float wherever with the body just being a physical vessel.. - sorry not religious.

I would personally split the ashes.

yes 🤨

my dad died 2 months ago and we have had him cremated. I was very interested to hear about the process actually

Sorry for your loss Op, and so sorry that this estrangement is causing additional distress.

You say that this is not what your mum would want. In which case , I would tell your brother that, then after the scattering, send him a photo of where it took place. He can pay his respects in his own time.

We scattered my mum, and I still visit the place even though those ashes are gone. It gives me comfort. I hope you find comfort too.