Splitting my mum's ashes

[bodybrodyurgh]

My brother is estranged from the rest of the family - he has refused to come to the scattering of my Mum's ashes and instead has said he wants half of her ashes to scatter elsewhere.

I hate the idea of her ashes not being together and think he should just come to the scattering - I think he's being selfish and it isn't want my mum would have wanted.

AIBU?

Weirdly, I agree with this (even though as PP once scattered the ashes do split)

Hindus cremate, and I'm pretty sure they don't bury the ashes so it will depend what your religion is?

But a cremated person has already been split as most of them has gone up the chimney, so those saying 'do not split' mean that the bone particles should be kept in the same vicinity for religious reasons, why?

For me in the deaths of my parent and sibling I thought about who had been helpful with their care when alive. If someone had contributed nothing before death I felt free to ignore them after death.

It's to do with treating the remains with reverence I think. Our priest said if you store the ashes in an urn at home obviously you are going to cherish your loved one's remains...but a few generations down the line they might end up in an attic or even a bin as people won't remember why they're important.
The Catholic Church wants remains on consecrated ground rather than scattered to the winds for reasons of reverence for the human body too afaik.

I don't see a problem at all in ashes being split and scattered by siblings. That way they each get to keep some or scatter them in a place special to them. My dad is scattered in a number of different places that were special to him. I kept some and they are in a locket. I wore this on my wedding day so part of him was with me as I walked down the aisle. Everybody is different. There is no need to have all ashes scattered in one place.

Everybody is different. There is no need to have all ashes scattered in one place

BECAUSE everyone is different, there absolutely IS a need to have all ashes in one place, for some people

I'm not opposed to splitting ashes, but I would want to know where the ashes were going to be scattered. Would your brother share that information with you?

Actually, just checked again and it seems the rules for Catholics on this might have softened slightly recently.

This entirely depends on whether he was estranged from your mum and why.

Do ashes actually have to be collected or can they be left at crematorium?

We had similar with estranged siblings. I split the ashes into 3. Gave 2 to the siblings to scatter. My father didn't mind and knew my mum wouldn't have been bothered by it. But my father stated in his latest will, that he wants to be scattered whole in one particular place. Did your mum have a will, does it say anything about her wishes.

Each company will have their own rules, but if not collected within a particular timeframe the crematorium will dispose of the remains themselves., possibly in their own garden of remembrance, but not necessarily, as people need to pay extra for this usually.

Interesting thread especially the religious views.

I do wish people would be considerate about scattering ashes in public places.

Eg the summit of Mt Snowdon in Wales is full of human remains. You can see them underfoot. It’s gross, feels so undignified, walking on them.

Agree. A dog was sniffing around obvious remains that had been poured around an old tree next to a river, at a local beauty spot. People just don't think. But this is why we should talk about the nitty gritty (sorry) instead of coyly referring to "scattering the ashes in nature"

At least they're more or less where the family intended them.

Apparently Disneyland has a real problem with people smuggling in ashes to scatter. They've likely been powerwashed down a drain by the time the rest of the family have gotten off It's a small world!

No, the ranger had to remove them as not appropriate either. Yup, people are idiots.

Thanks for the replies. My Mum died in early June, there was no funeral as she wanted an unattended cremation as she hated funerals. My brother wasn't estranged in fact was Mum's main carer but it's emerged since she died that he didn't actually look after her affairs in the way he claimed. It's all very complicated but he has estranged himself - I think - to try to avoid any need to face the mess he made.

Mum didn't leave any instructions about her ashes but she would hate the fact that the family has split. It's all very upsetting and I'm finding it very hard to deal with.

But I hate the idea of splitting her ashes - it feels horrible and the reason for it makes it even worse.

I've skimmed the detail about cremations etc and thank you for those posters who have been kind in their replies.

My brother wasn't estranged in fact was Mum's main carer

In view of this, I really don’t think you should scatter her ashes without him. I think you should look into a permanent resting place for the ashes.

I think you should wait to scatter until everything is reconciled.

blimey, I agree with PP. if your brother was your mum's main carer then he definitely needs to be involved with the decision about her ashes. Caring for someone is hard and I don't think he can be blamed for 'making a mess' can he 😬

@bodybrodyurgh So Sorry for your loss. Very hard to deal with.

I have to say that I agree, having read the update about him being your Mother's main carer, that you should try and wait to do anything at all, until the financial stuff is sorted and hopefully you are reconciled? It wouldn't be right IMO to just go ahead with scattering the ashes, without him being there, as you don't want to split them. He surely has equal rights with you to have a say in what happens?

There is no rush to decide right now, when things are still so raw. Many people wait months or longer after the funeral to decide what to do?

Sorry for your loss @bodybrodyurgh Maybe waiting a while like other posters have suggested, to see if you reconcile with your brother will help you to both decide where to scatter your mum. I’m the same as you and cannot bear the idea of splitting ashes either. If there’s no rush, you have time to think and hopefully discuss with your brother what’s best, when everything is calmer.

Agree with others. There is no rush, take your time. Sometimes the right decision is to do nothing, if only for a while.