Splitting my mum's ashes

[bodybrodyurgh]

My brother is estranged from the rest of the family - he has refused to come to the scattering of my Mum's ashes and instead has said he wants half of her ashes to scatter elsewhere.

I hate the idea of her ashes not being together and think he should just come to the scattering - I think he's being selfish and it isn't want my mum would have wanted.

AIBU?

🫢

So he wasn't estranged from your mother, he spent his time caring for her and is now struggling with grief and with feelings of failure because he didn't act the way he wanted to whilst being the main carer?

Denying him the ashes he wants to scatter in his own way will only estranged him further and make a rift which may never heal...

Sounds like he messed up with paying bills/taking money and has run away because he was caught.

I thought it sounded more like investments that hadn't come through

If he was stealing I'd have expected OP to say something

I'm not sure the OP needed to know some of the detail on here

I don't like the thought of ashes being separated, but that's just my initial visceral reaction to it. It's not actually based on anything, just a feeling.

Anyway, I'm sorry for your loss and YANBU

Absolutely. The lack of sensitivity is astounding.

My advice… don’t do anything for at least 2 or 3 years. Emotions are raw, it sounds like the estate is going to be interesting to settle. Just press the big pause button and revisit in the future when everything has had time to settle.

I’ve left instructions, in my funeral plan, for my dc, that I want my ashes to be scattered in 3 different places.

If there’s a Heaven my soul will go there. My bodily remains won’t.

Estranged or not he needs to say goodbye too.

CrispsAndWines · Today 00:34

Lizzie67384 · 18/08/2024 23:53
What’s wrong with splitting ashes? My mum wants to be cremated and has asked for her ashes to be spread in a couple of different places that are special to her; also ashes separate anyway so not like they’d stay together in one spot?

It's just wrong.

@CrispsAndWines That is an opinion that you are completely entitled to hold, but it is an opinion not a fact. The person you were replying to says it is her Mum's wish that her ashes are put in a few different places and you are still saying that it is a wrong. Can I ask what your reasons are for feeling it is wrong?

Why doesn't he get a say too? Both he and UP are the dc, they should surely come to an agreement about whet happens to their mum?

Could you and your brother decide on a place and you scatter half and then he scatters half (maybe doing it separately one after another at a set time with the other at a distance)? Or if the estrangement is at a point where you can't decide on a place together, that you think of two or three places you think and let him chose out of those?

@bodybrodyurgh I am so sorry for your loss and the situation you are in with your brother.

I am also really sorry to see some of the posts on this thread, absolutely completely inappropriate.

Your mums wishes take priority. I really don't get this obsession with ashes. THey aren't the person.

funeral director friend told me this. I wanted to add ashes to the bottom of a hole I'd dug in the garden to plant a rose bush and she grimaced saying that it will be incredibly difficult to keep the rose alive with the ashes in the roots.

YABU

If he did most of the caring for her then he should get a big say in what happens (assuming she hasn't left instructions or expressed wishes).

He didn't steal but he did misrepresent quite significantly what he'd done in terms of her affairs. There are 4 of us and agreement to scatter the ashes happened before the reality of the mess emerged. I feel he's avoiding taking responsibility by refusing to attend but know my mum would have hated the split - I think he should take a deep breath and stick with the agreement. If not I'd rather he had them all - the splitting bothers me - not logical I know.

My Mum didn't leave any instructions re her ashes.

I have seen this happen a fair few times. the children argue with the child that did the caring and they get accused of stealing the parents money from them. it happened when my grandma died. maybe it's not the case in your family, I don't know. did all the adult kids help care for your mum, or was it just your brother?

When I say 'care' he had PoA - not trying to drip feed just trying not put myself in RL - mum was in a home my brother managed her finances and had made a big thing about having sorted them out and having paid towards sorting them out. That turns out not to be true.

To the poster who has said we are accusing him of stealing mums money - CATEGORICALLY that is not the case, he did NOT steal nor does anyone think he did. Please read the thread and not jump to conclusions.

He had a say but has now refused to join in the event and wants to split the ashes.

my planted a couple of plants with my some of myDM's ashes and those plants really thrived