Splitting my mum's ashes

[bodybrodyurgh]

My brother is estranged from the rest of the family - he has refused to come to the scattering of my Mum's ashes and instead has said he wants half of her ashes to scatter elsewhere.

I hate the idea of her ashes not being together and think he should just come to the scattering - I think he's being selfish and it isn't want my mum would have wanted.

AIBU?

@bodybrodyurgh did you previously get along as siblings?

Your DB has made mistakes by his mismanagement but as you say, not in a criminal sense. Perhaps he’s feeling ashamed and defensive. Would it be possible to leave some time and space to resolve the situation and improve your family relationships as your DM would have wished? Then the scattering might be able to happen with you all together both physically and emotionally- as she would have wanted.

Theres no urgency about this task. Getting it right is more important for the emotional health of you all.

It's a very personal and emotional thing OP. I agree with other PPs that you should maybe give it some time and let feelings settle.

DP died nearly four years ago and I have scattered some of his ashes in the country we used to live in but not the rest. I plan to scatter these somewhere else in the UK where he had very happy memories.

I think that in your situation it is not just the ashes there are also the feelings related to your mum's death and your brother's feelings about how the rest of the family see him. It's a cliche but time can indeed be a healer and I would let everyone have some breathing space before making any decisions you might regret later.

I'm sorry how did you get confused between your brother having POA when she was actually in a home and 'he was her main carer'??

presumably any of the rest of you could have been involved in being her carer/having POA. it is very easy to point fingers and a portion blame when you didn't take any responsibility for any of it at the time. it's bloody awful caring for an elderly/dying parent and sorting out all their paperwork etc

We live in different countries

I know how hard it is I do it for my dad.

My brother pushed hard to have PoA - other siblings volunteered but he was adamant he should have it.

Please stop jumping to conclusions.

you said 'stop jumping to conclusions ' in your last post. but you went from 'brother is estranged' to 'brother was mum's main carer':to 'mum is in a care home and brother has POA' 🤷🏼‍♀️

I'm not sure what you posted, I'm out

I didn't ask you to be in Beetrickspotter - but pleased you're going. How about not trying to play Sherlock and accept that people keep some info back so as not to be identifiable in what is a really difficult and emotional time.

To those posters who have taken me at face value and offered condolences and kind words - huge thanks I can't tell you how much I appreciate it.

I've asked Mumsnet to delete the thread.

Why? The cremation itself has made the body incomplete, so why should it cause'juju' to split thecashes?
What are your thoughts about juju if a person is missing an organ orclimb at burial (if not created)?
Honestly, the daftness is amazing at times

Until an animal comes alomg, or a walker, or the wind...

Why 'horryfying'?

Please list the reasons given in these religious beliefs and reasons

For heaven's sake, a grown person asking on a public forum isn't going to be worried about discussing logistics and reading descriptors.
Also, posted in AIBU, so I presume the OP knows what they are doing.
Of course, all the PPs are silently sending sympathy to OP without actually writing it on theit post, and are cognisant of their feelings. But they are refreshingly honest too, so yes, they will 'go there'

Ok, Anglican Priest, where in the bible does it mention staying in one piece, because cremation makes a mockery of that. Where does the 'allowance' for amputation, removal of organs or diseased flesh stop and start?
These people haven't gone through life 'whole': do you and you ilk refuse to bury incomplete people in consecrated ground as you used to treat suicides/unmarried mothers/unchristened children?

Yes, because cemetaries are packed to the gills every weekend with people 'remembering' their dead.
So many graveyards full of fallen, broken headstones, unkempt grave areas, no-one left to visit, no-one bothers
What a load of ridiculous nonsense religious leaders spout - having a burial 'place' is no guarantee they will be cared for any more than if placed in an attic
Religious leaders should hang their heads in shame: So much claptrap under the guise of Jesus's love' and hell and damnation

Same! My mum is divided between my dad, my sister and me. She lives in a beautiful ceramic pot next to a photo of her looking really happy, abd a candle I light for Christmas and birthdays. I bring her little flowers and things sometimes and chat in to her (aloud if there’s no one else home!).

DH thinks it’s totally bizarre and a bit macabre, but I love having her with me and I know she’d have loved still being a part of all our lives.

That is not the basis of a rational argument.

They are not complete due to cremation process. How can you not see that

This is the wisest and kindest response of the entire thread.
Thank you

No need for such snippiness. Sorry you had a shit time, but don't project that onto others