Adult son outstayed his welcome

[username1993]

Ds mid 20s is mine, however dh has tried really hard with him as a step dad but he's had enough, he now wants him to move out because he's coming between us.
Dh is stressed all the time because of the living arrangements, he's constantly unhappy and when I try and talk to ds about the issues he gets into a huff and walks out which means I can't find any compromise and then dh is annoyed because I can't do anything about the situation, ds has nowhere else to go so I can't kick him out but everyday things get worse, our marriage is hanging on by a thread and the only way it's going to survive is if ds finds somewhere else to live but he doesn't want to and we've had this conversation with him and he just gets upset because he's not ready and I end up feeling guilty.
Of course I love ds and dh and want to keep everyone happy but it's impossible when dh is so stressed with the situation.
Ds ADHD so has very high energy and is constantly pacing up and down and clicking his fingers and stimming, which drives dh to distraction, he won't take his medication and everything he's told to do/not to falls on deaf ears.
He's home (other than work) all the time so is a constant presence in the house, he's loud, winds up his siblings and makes untactful remarks which I don't think he means to but he just doesn't have any awareness of boundaries so comes across rude.
Ideally I'd like him to look for somewhere else to live because the hostility in the house is unbearable but how can I when he's already shared with me that he isn't ready.
Ds isn't very mature for mid 20s and still wants to spend all his time with the family which makes dh feel suffocated.
He's been his step dad since he was very young and they used to be close but didn't expect him to still be with us and so full on.
If things don't change and dh and I split because of this I will have to leave the family home because I am not a big earner and couldn't afford to live there without him, also our youngest ds and DD's life would be turned upside down and they're still children.
I really don't know how to keep everyone happy, I'm exhausted and feel so torn.

I really do not think in any world enforcing medication on a person is a very positive idea.
I'm not even sure if it's legal without someone being sectioned.
No doctor would support enforcing a medication, at least no good one would.
Doing this will lead to more disruption, conflict & pain. In my opinion.
And you've said 'everyone else ' however we don't actually know what the other members of the household feel or think, not really.

I mean, the op said her “marriage is holding on by a thread” and that she is “exhausted” and “DH is at breaking point.” Pretty clear language to demonstrate some serious effects. Serious enough that a marriage and entire family unit is at crisis point.

Again he IS an adult who, in the OP’s words:
“He already does his own washing and cooks for himself when he wants to, he is capable of looking after himself in that respect and he drives, chose a car on his own, pays car insurance, tax and phone bills and gym membership okay, and works f/t so he's not incapable.”

Considering he has no issues doing any of the above, if he makes the decision not to, then that has a wider impact on just him as an individual and the current living accommodations may not be appropriate to protect the mental health of the entire family.

I am not talking about enforcing a medication. I am not saying hold his nose and shove meds down his throat.
It is ultimately his choice whether he takes them or not.
Then that choice will have an outcome as all choices do. He is a fully grown man in his mid 20’s. He can move out if that won’t work for him, but when you live in a family it is not all about YOU as an individual.

Giving ultimatums are indicative of pretty poor people skills & I'm afraid I'm just not going to agree that pushing meds onto someone who doesn't want it is helpful in any way.
I am also trying to point out that we only have one persons perspective, regardless of the language used.
And maybe he's doing his best? Have you considered that? Maybe he is doing what he can within his limitations. Having any mental health issue is difficult enough to navigate.
Sounds to me like an unhealthy situation all round.

He needs to take his meds, he doesn't realise (because he is emotionally immature that his total lack of empathy towards others prevents him from seeing) how disruptive and destructive his behaviour is towards others. And lacks the ability to project towards where that will lead. Broken home for his mum and siblings. He needs to take his meds and you need to explain to him why it is important.

I disagree. Genuine ultimatums are often necessary in relationships. E.g: “we’ve been together for 10 years - we get married or break up.” Just one of many YANBU example I have seen countless times on this very site.

It is healthy and okay to have boundaries.

When someone is continuously crossing those boundaries I think it's perfectly acceptable to let someone know that a specific action has a specific result.

It’s not “pushing” anything. It’s a clear question asking for a clear answer that will have a clear result.

You can call it “poor people skills” if that makes you feel better.

I do, and will, continue to call it respect.

My children would always come first and I would never tell them they have to leave their home. However I wound make it clear to him that he should not be winding his siblings up.

Totally agree with this.

People can use 'ultimatum' as if its a dirty word, it isnt. Its saying, I wont tolerate this, I dont want it in my life, so I can choose to be around it or not. If you're still doing the thing I wont have in my life then we part ways. Your choice

I would imagine the husband took on the son out of love for his wife and thought that one day his job would be done but there doesn't seem to be an end in sight.
Usually an adult still living at home will have some level of independence and go out on their own, live their own life, have their own interests etc but because he's not doing that or even planning a future 3 is undoubtedly becoming a crowd.
It's much easier to take care of a child who you can have some level of discipline over but it's something else to have a grown adult who will do as they please regardless of the affect on the rest of the family.

And if he takes no notice? Like he hasn't done so far...

After I posted about supported living for the OP’s son our City Council, coincidentally emailed me because they are looking for suitable people to host vulnerable young adults in your own home. For doing this you will be paid £233.
There seem to be a number of local schemes in different towns for capable young people who need some support in their accommodation needs. I think it is worth enquiring with social services about local provision. As some localities have provision for adults who have to manage ADHD in particular and their need for suitable accommodation . These adults can manage a lot of aspects of daily life such as having a job, relationships and driving etc. It is recognised that it is not only the extremely vulnerable people who need support.

This is so very ignorant.

So many on here just still don't understand those who are neurodiverse.

Why do you think that it is magically going to transform your relationship with your husband if your son moves out. The additional stress for you worrying about your son, and then your husband suddenly realising that this isn't the quick fix he thought it would be, would put more strain on what already seems a bit stressed. It would be more helpful if your husband could work WITH HIS WIFE to find a solution for this tricky situation. I am pretty sure that, for your son, this situation isn't ideal either. If the tension in the house is attributed to his presence, no matter if you try to hide it, he will be all too aware.

Whether you understand the ND or not you still can get irritated, pissed off and annoyed with someone disturbing your peace and making your home unpleasant to live in.

What level of responsibility is being expected for this £233? Is that a week? A month? On top of all other contributions to rent/bills etc like heat/power/WiFi? Who does the vetting for either side?

“we’ve been together for 10 years - we get married or break up"

You think this signals a healthy relationship? Christ alive. It isn't.
It is not putting in boundaries. It is manipulation. And extremely unhealthy.

I think that's a week. Similar to foster care, it isn't exactly paid work, but still a lot of people do it. And the young people/ carer get some support. I'd say it's worth a phone call.

ADHD is not a mental health condition.

Mental health teams are MASSIVELY over subscribed, the crisis team currently has a 5 month wait time. The CBT self referral round here are only taking suicidal and self harm cases now that are deemed 'urgent'.

You can't just go to mental health teams because you just don't want to do something you are perfectly capable of doing.

But strangely enough ADHD is diagnosed by a psychiatrist and the medication is prescribed by a psychiatrist. A GP is not permitted to diagnose or offer meds without their instruction.

"They used to be close but he didn't expect him to still be with us"

What do you mean by this? Because just to put a possible other side of the coin across, it sort of makes it sound like your DH was fine with DS when he had to be but he was hoping he'd get rid of him once he turned 18 and wouldn't have to deal with him anymore? Which, if that's how your Ds feels, must be an awful feeling.

Are your other children your DH's biological children? Ie your DS' half siblings? Winding each other up is part of being siblings. Yes, they can take it too far and absolutely talk to him about it if so, but it happens. Would your DH be trying to get his own child out of the house if they were annoying their sibling?

You need to tell them to sit down together and both talk AND LISTEN to each other. Because currently, it sounds like the only interacting your DH does to DS is to tell him to leave, and your DS is responding to that by ignoring him/the situation. Your DH shouldn't be giving you ultimatums in your marriage, he should be actively trying to solve the problem too. It's not all on you just because he'd hoped his stepkid wouldn't be around anymore by now

It’s a really difficult position to be in, and no one else has spent a week in your shoes. But we have an adult DS on the spectrum too and yes there are ups and downs - there have been some massive downs tbh when he was in his late teens particularly, but the thought of asking him to leave has never crossed our minds. It would be the end of our relationship with him because he would see it in black and white and interpret it as we no longer want him or love him and are kicking him out. However when he talks about one day him moving out at whatever point in the future he feels ready to, we just say gently supportive things such as the hope that it would be close by so we could still see each other every day or whatever, and yes exciting times ahead etc. I don’t feel ultimatums are helpful and just end up backing someone into a corner, and anyone with neurodiverse kids will know that diffusing issues is much more successful than confronting. And then pick the issue back up when things are calmer. Every parent has a line that mustn’t be crossed and I wonder if you can ease into a conversation about not allowing his moods or emotions to affect the whole house. Our son saw a wonderful therapist who specialised in ASD and she helped him to regulate his emotions more than we ever could, because she was objective but he felt she was totally on his side and understood him. Could that be a possibility for your son? The only other thing I can suggest is that when things get too much and you or your husband feel overwhelmed, to agree to taking a few minutes out to clear your head, a short walk, a bath etc. that way you’re working as a team and supporting each other. Therapists talk about your worry bucket overflowing and you need to do something to let a bit of it out and balance it out again. I may be miles off and I apologise if I am but I can’t help but wonder if this might happen even if your son wasn’t neurotypical because being a parent (step or otherwise) to a grown up child living at home can be pretty tumultuous in itself, and at what point would any parent ask their child to move out? Yes things would be quieter, calmer etc without a grown up child still being at home but that’s not unusual these days with the price of housing etc. You and your husband are a team though and are in this together and can and should support each other while still protecting your relationship with each other, and your relationship with your other children and making time just for them. I personally feel that kids should feel that their parent / parents have their back 100% no matter what. Having to think about making a choice, your husband or your son, is a horrible position to be in, and I really do hope that it doesn’t come down to that. I hope things are improving for you xx

Can you encourage your adult son to take up running? He could do parkruns and join a running club and would be out of the house much more. It would be a chance for him to meet new people and he may want to move in with them down the line.

Winding each other up is part of being siblings. Yes, they can take it too far and absolutely talk to him about it if so, but it happens.

@TheEternalForever i don’t disagree with your point that he shouldn’t have expected DS to move out at 18, but I do think that a mid-20’s adult winding up children is unacceptable, because there’s a real power imbalance (I appreciate that he’s emotionally immature but it’s still too much).

If this situation was reversed and the wife’s children were being wound up by the husband’s son/she was also being upset by him, I suspect ppl would be telling her to ask her husband and his son to leave.

@J23 ADHD is not an autistic spectrum disorder though they can be related and have similar symptoms.

Absolutely. In the families I know with much older brothers they're more like doting uncles/second father figures in their mid-20s.

Yeah I get your point about the age difference tbf, but unless I haven't seen an update I don't think we know how old the other kids are, just that they're children. And what is "winding up" in this context? Like is he arguing with his 15 year old sibling over who picks the TV channel? Or is he stealing his 5 year old siblings teddy bear and not giving it back? Because I'd say the first scenario would be more "typical" sibling winding up, and the second would be totally unacceptable. But yeah, I see your point about him being an adult so should be showing more restraint even if he is immature