Adult son outstayed his welcome

[username1993]

Ds mid 20s is mine, however dh has tried really hard with him as a step dad but he's had enough, he now wants him to move out because he's coming between us.
Dh is stressed all the time because of the living arrangements, he's constantly unhappy and when I try and talk to ds about the issues he gets into a huff and walks out which means I can't find any compromise and then dh is annoyed because I can't do anything about the situation, ds has nowhere else to go so I can't kick him out but everyday things get worse, our marriage is hanging on by a thread and the only way it's going to survive is if ds finds somewhere else to live but he doesn't want to and we've had this conversation with him and he just gets upset because he's not ready and I end up feeling guilty.
Of course I love ds and dh and want to keep everyone happy but it's impossible when dh is so stressed with the situation.
Ds ADHD so has very high energy and is constantly pacing up and down and clicking his fingers and stimming, which drives dh to distraction, he won't take his medication and everything he's told to do/not to falls on deaf ears.
He's home (other than work) all the time so is a constant presence in the house, he's loud, winds up his siblings and makes untactful remarks which I don't think he means to but he just doesn't have any awareness of boundaries so comes across rude.
Ideally I'd like him to look for somewhere else to live because the hostility in the house is unbearable but how can I when he's already shared with me that he isn't ready.
Ds isn't very mature for mid 20s and still wants to spend all his time with the family which makes dh feel suffocated.
He's been his step dad since he was very young and they used to be close but didn't expect him to still be with us and so full on.
If things don't change and dh and I split because of this I will have to leave the family home because I am not a big earner and couldn't afford to live there without him, also our youngest ds and DD's life would be turned upside down and they're still children.
I really don't know how to keep everyone happy, I'm exhausted and feel so torn.

All of the above assumes he is capable of independence. It sounds like he does have challenges, but is maybe in a grey area where he’s kind of been allowed to underfunction, so it’s going to be hard to know what he’s really capable of of, without forcing the issue. If he really can’t function, then that’s a whole different story and he will need more support from external providers.

This is absolutely true. It is extremely unlikely that he would meet the threshold for a care package.
My DD has schizophrenia and has been sectioned a few times over the years. At one stage whilst sectioned they assessed her and decided she could not live alone. She was given a care package and placed in a house with 12 others with various needs. They did not have a carer in the house and the only care that they received was a couple of bags of food on the kitchen table when required and an occasional cooked weekend meal. The house was smelly, as were a couple of the people in the house. The behaviour of some people living there was very disturbing. It was privately run by someone associated with the local authority and the owners received a great deal of money.
Eventually she was moved to her own very small, damp housing association flat with "care" which amounted to a young woman who visited the house (which had six tenants) once a week for a morning.

Both of these experiences were miserable.
If people without a physical disabiliity receive disability payments it is likely that most of the money will be swallowed by a care package which only includes short visits from somebody who is not much help. It is unlikely to include anywhere to live.
We eventually got together as a family to provide DD with somewhere to live which was clean and quiet. Most of her disability payments were eventually discontinued on the grounds that she did not need them, and although she still receives a little money and an occasional visit she does not really get any support unless things get really critical.
I suggest that it could work if the OP could sort out a small place for her son to live, possibly with a housing association. If he is capable of holding down a proper job he is surely capable of living alone.

I would make him homeless so the council has to find him a place, which may be a room in a hostel until a single flat can be located.

Have you walked down the city centre lately? There are young men in nearly every shop doorway.
Where are these flats the council has to find?
A lot of the people who are homeless are homeless because they are struggling to function in life and are vulnerable, MH issues or disability, they don't just find them flats.
A young man working will not be classed as a priority on the housing list.

You all need to sit down & set boundaries & explain to your Son that his staying with you is short term & come up with a plan & time line for him to move out. Explain how his behaviour is affecting the whole family & say if he doesn't start taking his meds you will involve Social Services as it's affecting his younger siblings. If he feels like you're all helping him & his stepdad is on his side he may work with you better & they may start getting on better.

So by your reckoning, if you have an accident that isn't your fault, or you have a stroke and lose your cognitive abilities somewhat, or get cancer or something that requires medical care, your family should stick you out on the street and say 'You're a grown-up, we don't want to deal with your medical difficulties, you understand, it's for the greater good', yeah? Sheesh.....

That’s quite a stretch.
Dealing with behavioural issues and a bad attitude from an adult child in your own home is a very different scenario.

I'm sorry, but people here are talking about ADHD as if it's some kind of horrific disability which absolves the person of all personal responsibility for their own lives. So SO many people have ADHD, and whilst it can be a challenge it is not a barrier to normal living; I know a number of solicitors and a doctor who have it and have been diagnosed later in life. It's been a 'nice to know' for them and explained certain behaviours and personality aspects, but it is absolutely not causing them to need some kind of intervention from the state; far from it. It sounds as though here the ADHD is not the issue but it's being used to enable the poor behaviour by the son. Poor behaviour and poor life choices are just that, and the behaviour should be dealt with rather than treating the man like a child or like someone who has a severe disability!

You are being silly, OP son is a man who is able to conduct daily living skills independently. He works full time, can complete housework chores, drive etc.

You should not judge someone abilities just based on their diagnose. There is nothing in OP posts which tells us, this man cannot live on his own. Yes he has ADHD, but guess what many people are on the autism spectrum live full, adult lives.

But he won't feel ready to move out until about 6 months after he's moved out. It's the experience of moving out that grows your confidence. I would look at shared accomodation, see if any friends live in a house share etc and also say that you would like him to try it during the week, but that he can come home on the weekends. Make it a gradual and no pressure possibly temporary move to build confidence.

I completely agree, I have an adhd husband, and I know other people who have adhd, they work, live independently, have good jobs, good social life, manage their time etc.... Yes, their brains work differently but people on here are acting as though its some huge disability that requires intervention. ADHD will not stop son from living independently, it does sound like he is being enabled a bit. If nothing changes, I see husband spliting and living seperately and the other children going with him.

How old is he exactly? There can be a big difference between 23 and 27. Especially in someone with additional needs.

That being said, I think a serious discussion with DS is needed, and some deal-breakers discussed. First of all, he needs to be taking his medication. Second, he needs to start behaving like an adult. Presumably, if he's got an adult job, he KNOWS how to speak to people politely. So there's no reason why he can't also do it with the people he lives with.

If he can't/won't make a long-term plan, you need to start making one for him. Including looking at alternative housing provisions, including those for people who can't live independently. Which he's increasingly showing he isn't capable of.

I shouldn't read or comment on threads like this. I'm 53 and was diagnosed with what is now called Asperger's Syndrome when I was 6. I come from a background that didn't appreciate having a 'wrong'un' in their social circle, my mother was an only child to a perfectionist Lieutenant-Colonel father and a George medal winning mother, and she was told to bury my diagnosis because it was socially embarrassing. My condition means that, amongst other behavioural traits, I have a very black and white sense of right and wrong. I'm also an over-achiever who is terrified of people, I don't understand them and I have a CBT who really earns her dollar trying to enable me to have a sense of social awareness. People are hard work xxx

This is tough but if he goes to the council with a letter from you stating that he is homeless they have a statutory duty to find him accommodation.

Have you considered involving Community Mental Health Team for support? They may be able to mediate and he may act on their recommendations more than he does on family's. Does he need some kind of supported living if he struggles to manage independently? Social Services may be able to help with this. It might take a little while to get in place but at least there would be a light at the end of the tunnel for the rest of the family.

Do you have the space to put a static caravan in the garden for him? Gives him his own place without actually having to move away from the family home. I'm aware of a few families that have this set up and it seems to work well.

Why isn't he ready? And will he ever be ready?

If a mid 20 year old doesn't have a job/hobby, this looks like it might be long term him living with you.

If he continues with this behaviour, your partner will leave you, and you will end up alone, because the next partner won't put up with his behaviour either.

@username1993 it sounds like your son may have more going on than ADHD. I would wonder about developmental differences and other psychiatric conditions. I'd also wonder about ASD. Many families in your situation make taking meds part of an agreement of living at home as an adult.

A few things

• Is your son receiving disability supports? If not please get on that, those will help him live more independently with support and help him economically. This could be a difference of being able to afford to live independently or not.
• I wonder if your dh is worried there is no end in sight? What will change between age 25 and 35 with the challenges he has? Burnout is real in the parent population. They aren't bad people. They've just given more than they have to give emotionally, practically, mentally, physically.
• Is your ds open to seeing the GP and having another assessment/psychiatrist?
• Do you have the means to help with housing? I understand you said you don't. There must be some costs with ds living at home, what about diverting those to help with rent? I have a friend who had to make that hard decision about their son - diagnosed with ADHD at 9 and other conditions in teens/adult years. He is also on minimum wage. The parents supplement rent and give him a small amount to help with his rent/food needs as they live in a more expensive area. They are not a high income family. He comes home Sundays for dinner and one parent visits him every Wednesday afternoon. It's transformed their family to a happier, better functioning home for everyone and resentment has lessened. Plus it's been a real positive for their eldest ds who now feels more independent.
• Is there a support group or counsellor you and dh could go to? This may help save your marriage.

I think in times like this it can feel like there are no options. You do have options @username1993 even small ones.

It is known that many people with ADHD are not as emotionally mature or have the executive function as their chronological age would suggest. If he's 20, he is probably on a par with a 14/15 year old in that aspect, which is probably why he doesn't feel ready to leave home.
Your child, despite being an adult, is neurodivergent, and will require more support than a neurotypical person might.

I would try and sit down with DH and DS and see what you can work out. I would say DS taking his meds should be non negotiable. I suspect if he takes it regularly, things will be a lot different and improve.

If that were the case then he shouldn't have a job let alone be allowed to be in charge of a car, but he is able to manage perfectly well with both.

Also he is apperently not taking his medication. I wrote earlier that my daughter has ADHD, recently diagnosed in her late 30's. She's taking the medication and feels so much better. She's always lived a full life, is a single parent with two children and has always held down a good job. ADHD is often a minor disability and that is why it is often not diagnosed until somebody is older. It is not an excuse for bad behaviour or making your family's life a misery.

If one of your DH's own children turns out to have additional needs, or any other issue that might make living with them challenging, will they be asked to leave the family home too?

If you decide to tell your DS he has to leave the family home, effectively choosing your Husband over him, then I think you need to be prepared for the possibility that your relationship with DS may not recover.

If you decide to tell your DS he has to leave the family home, effectively choosing your Husband over him, then I think you need to be prepared for the possibility that your relationship with DS may not recover.

And if she doesn't tell the DS to leave, her relationship with her DH - and quite possibly her other children - will never recover.

So which does she choose?

Help him apply for supported living. My DSiL does this (as a support worker) and he makes a huge difference to these people's lives.

Her DS is also going to lose his family unit @Gymnopedie and they’re clearly important to him.

Oh yes I agree, I don't disagree with taking medication, but it should be a choice rather than giving someone an ultimatum. That will not work for anyone.