Adult son outstayed his welcome

[username1993]

Ds mid 20s is mine, however dh has tried really hard with him as a step dad but he's had enough, he now wants him to move out because he's coming between us.
Dh is stressed all the time because of the living arrangements, he's constantly unhappy and when I try and talk to ds about the issues he gets into a huff and walks out which means I can't find any compromise and then dh is annoyed because I can't do anything about the situation, ds has nowhere else to go so I can't kick him out but everyday things get worse, our marriage is hanging on by a thread and the only way it's going to survive is if ds finds somewhere else to live but he doesn't want to and we've had this conversation with him and he just gets upset because he's not ready and I end up feeling guilty.
Of course I love ds and dh and want to keep everyone happy but it's impossible when dh is so stressed with the situation.
Ds ADHD so has very high energy and is constantly pacing up and down and clicking his fingers and stimming, which drives dh to distraction, he won't take his medication and everything he's told to do/not to falls on deaf ears.
He's home (other than work) all the time so is a constant presence in the house, he's loud, winds up his siblings and makes untactful remarks which I don't think he means to but he just doesn't have any awareness of boundaries so comes across rude.
Ideally I'd like him to look for somewhere else to live because the hostility in the house is unbearable but how can I when he's already shared with me that he isn't ready.
Ds isn't very mature for mid 20s and still wants to spend all his time with the family which makes dh feel suffocated.
He's been his step dad since he was very young and they used to be close but didn't expect him to still be with us and so full on.
If things don't change and dh and I split because of this I will have to leave the family home because I am not a big earner and couldn't afford to live there without him, also our youngest ds and DD's life would be turned upside down and they're still children.
I really don't know how to keep everyone happy, I'm exhausted and feel so torn.

I'm following with interest because I'm in a very similar situation and just feel totally stuck. You're not alone, op!

ADHD does not mean you get to be an asshole and live at home forever.

I have ADHD.
Ds has ADHD.

We are not disabled.

This thread is so weird... I've never seen ADHD discussed so dramatically.

He can work, drive, cook, and clean but op and her dh are supposed to cater to him forever because he was ADHD.

This is just wild.

Yes I think some of this narrative on this thread is quite shocking and disempowering

OP not sure if this is useful but with my ADHD DD15 I always think about her and her behaviour as 10 years old. Take a third off his age and then think about what you are asking.

The emotional maturity is way behind their peers. Their reactions and process very delayed.

And I'd always put my DD first but your DS does need to come to terms with taking medication and working out a way not to piss his siblings off.

Take a third off his age and he would be the age most head to uni.

This is just not the case in my experience. We did not know that my DD has ADHD until recently but her behaviour has always been at least up to that of her peers. She was the most responsible and independent of all my children.

He has a disability. And it’s hard work, maybe contact social services for advice. As for your husband…. Getting annoyed by his simming is out of order when he can’t help it and I do understand the strain it does have on your relationship because I go through it everyday.

I have a daughter , niw 21 yrs. other health issues as well as adhd .
i asked for social work help involvement, and due to her behaviour affecting others she was placed in supported housing .
is this something you can look at ?
it’s easy to judge , but having kids with additional needs dosent just stop at 18, they have extra needs for life .
btw; kids come first for me :)

You can’t have both unfortunately, you want him to move out of his own choice but want him out. You sound like you’ve already decided and you’re choosing your dh, all of the complaints are about his ADHD, he stims-adhd, doesn’t seem to change went told-adhd, makes insensitive comments (that you say you don’t think are meant to me mean)- adhd. Lots of people with adhd don’t take meds because of the side effects. Are these symptoms suddenly worse? Or has dh just put up with him for long enough?
it sounds like your da has social and communication problems, and executive functioning difficulties, if the symptoms have worsened maybe look at what has exasperated them? If not then why is it now a problem?
my brother has tried moving out multiple times the longest he’s managed to live away from my mums house is about a year at a time, he appeared functioning but the internal struggle was too much so he goes home, I know one day my mum will be gone, but he’ll have the families house he’s grown up in and I have no doubt he will cope eventually.
its worth noting neurotypical brains aren’t fully developed until mid 20s and neurodiverse take longer so while your son might be in his 20s, his brain development may be behind that of a neurotypical person the same age

But just one child ( who is an adult) ? What about her other kids?

How is that even slightly relevant?
😂

Same! We're a ND family, and there do have to be some allowances, but in no way does it give carte blanche to treat others poorly, trample others' boundaries or disregard others' needs.

I take people's points about taking longer to mature, but ND teens and upwards (who don't have cognitive impairments/LD that is) are not incapable of taking on board their impact on others. OP's DS is in his 20s. He's definitely old enough to do that. Everyone stims in our house, but pacing and noisy stims are for outdoors. Maybe you can deal with a kid doing it to self regulate, but a grown ass adult male pacing up and down and clicking their fingers repeatedly? That completely dominates everyone else's living space. Go outside or go for a walk or a run if you need to noisy stim or work off excess energy.

@Gogogo12345 yes if he was NT.

Not sure what your point is. The brain doesn't fully mature until mid 20s anyway. ND kids with ADHD have a global delay.

I'm shocked by the lack of understanding of ND on this thread.

Please dont spread misinformation about brain development. I see this over and over again.

Brains have elasticity, brains in young people are more elastic than in older people, this is an evolutionary development because it means that those who are fitter, more energetic, more able are able to take bigger risks, be flexible, invent new ideas and new ways of doing things.

It does NOT mean that 'brains arent fully developed' until the mid 20s. This is just a way to excuse our society infantilising young adults and not only disabling them but compromising the rest of society. We need young people to be independent, be taking risks, to be learning and developing with their fully functioning and very able brains.

I was on your side until I read that DS doesn’t take his medication.

Once he’s back on the medication, you need to review his living arrangements.

I am going to against the grain here and say differently what others are saying.

I don’t think you should leave your husband as many are advising. I think your son should leave - and you should go with him.

He is in his 20s and has a job. He causing disruption to the other children in the home and is impacting your DH’s quality of life.

You have to put ALL your children first. But you are not - because the actions of one child impacts the others.

You are giving reasons/excuses why he can’t move out - so move out with him. This way your DH and other children have a peaceful life and your DS has you with him.

Now if my suggestion of you leaving the family home to find you and DS a place fills you with more horror and sadness than DS finding a place for himself, that should give you pause for thought.

Good luck with this - lots of tough decisions need to be made here.

www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/the-teen-brain-7-things-to-know#:~:text=1.,prioritizing%2C%20and%20making%20good%20decisions.

I have a DH and a DS with ADHD. Both adult diagnosed. Neither was particularly interested in meds, but when persuaded to do a trial, independent of each other, said that the difference they made were life changing in that they made general daily living so much easier. Looking at them, I would agree with them.

I suspect that OP's son is not being properly treated for his condition. There could be many reasons for this, including perhaps medication for children/young people not being suitable for full grown adults and a desire to keep away from anything that could be called 'drugs'. Where I live, first line treatment for adults is amphetamines which makes the ADHD brain 'normal'. It responds differently to stimulants.

My advice to OP would be to talk to her son and then seek specialist medical help. Her son is suffering needlessly from being incorrectly medicated, I suspect, and everyone else is suffering the fallout.

Honestly I don't blame him for not taking his medication, the need to stim, and the thoughts are all still there they just stop you being able to do the things you need to do to self regulate so you start to feel really shit with yourself. Me and numerous other adults I know who have ADHD and have been on medication have tried to kill ourselves because of the feelings they give you

Can't you just tell him not to come downstairs then he can stink in his room and not bother anyone downstairs?

Stim not stink (thanks phone)

It’s yr kid surely they come first, bin yr hubby.

Its her adult child well past the age he should have already moved out.

Parents don't give up their right to a life/love forever just to be a doormat to other adults.

My son didn't have ADHD but wasn't ready / financially able to move out by then. Wasn't easy but when my partner and I moved in together he understood that my children were part of the package. Step Dad can't bale out when it gets tough, he wouldn't if it was his own son, surely? Ask him that

I’m sorry but your husband sounds like an awful person

Could you approach your local council to see if there is a sheltered housing/halfway house option for your son? He will still need your support. From what you have said, I'm not sure your relationship with your partner will improve markedly by moving your son out.