Adult son outstayed his welcome

[username1993]

Ds mid 20s is mine, however dh has tried really hard with him as a step dad but he's had enough, he now wants him to move out because he's coming between us.
Dh is stressed all the time because of the living arrangements, he's constantly unhappy and when I try and talk to ds about the issues he gets into a huff and walks out which means I can't find any compromise and then dh is annoyed because I can't do anything about the situation, ds has nowhere else to go so I can't kick him out but everyday things get worse, our marriage is hanging on by a thread and the only way it's going to survive is if ds finds somewhere else to live but he doesn't want to and we've had this conversation with him and he just gets upset because he's not ready and I end up feeling guilty.
Of course I love ds and dh and want to keep everyone happy but it's impossible when dh is so stressed with the situation.
Ds ADHD so has very high energy and is constantly pacing up and down and clicking his fingers and stimming, which drives dh to distraction, he won't take his medication and everything he's told to do/not to falls on deaf ears.
He's home (other than work) all the time so is a constant presence in the house, he's loud, winds up his siblings and makes untactful remarks which I don't think he means to but he just doesn't have any awareness of boundaries so comes across rude.
Ideally I'd like him to look for somewhere else to live because the hostility in the house is unbearable but how can I when he's already shared with me that he isn't ready.
Ds isn't very mature for mid 20s and still wants to spend all his time with the family which makes dh feel suffocated.
He's been his step dad since he was very young and they used to be close but didn't expect him to still be with us and so full on.
If things don't change and dh and I split because of this I will have to leave the family home because I am not a big earner and couldn't afford to live there without him, also our youngest ds and DD's life would be turned upside down and they're still children.
I really don't know how to keep everyone happy, I'm exhausted and feel so torn.

Would putting a mini trampoline in his room create a better result? Encouraged him to start a dog walking business after work? Reach a compromise where he takes the 4hrly adhd meds for the evening time? Tell him it’s causing conflict and a solution needs to be reached.

Without picking a side, I’d suggest that you tell your son he has to get a full time job he should have one anyway at his age adhd or not (I have adhd). This way he would be out of the house a lot of the time and would hopefully make smore more friends etc as well. He also needs to be taught some adult responsibilities I’d also suggest that he buys the family food shopping one week a month or something.

I have a daughter who has ASD and ADHD. I am with her father, but if she did have a stepdad like this. He would be the first out the door.

Your son is a VULNERABLE young adult. He will need security, and most likely a lot of guidance and help to live independently first, not saying it can’t be done, it probably can but just because he is a presence in the house, or stims and does things HE MOST LIKELY CANT HELP by the way, I’m honestly disgusted by this post, outstayed his welcome in his own home? Wow.

I don't get the 'outstaying their welcome' phrase when talking about your kids. A door should always be open for them, a bed, a roof and food with love. They are always your kids no matter how old. If you take a new partner then they should be be made aware your kids come with the deal. Is your son able to financially and mentally just up sticks and go elsewhere and where would you envisage him living? More and more adult children remain in the family home these days because it is not financially possible live elsewhere.

Buy or build a garden room that’s insulated, so he can live in there and come in for dinner etc.

There a wild difference between a door been open for when they need help and someone just mooching forever because its easier to just live off someone else.

Millions of people have ASD and/or ADHD and live alone. As said my mam did, left home at 16 and was one of the most amazingly independent women I ever met.

Nothing in ADHD stops someone living independently (ASD might depending on the severity but that doesn't apply to OPs functional DS) and also doesn't make them 'vulnerable'.

That is some seriously damaging infantalising that those of us living with disability have fought tooth and nail to end. Getting offended on behalf of the disabled community (even as a 'family member' of a disabled person) and telling people they are disgusting and wrong when (if you bothered to read the responses) most of us saying this ARE the disabled community really is overstepping your lane.

My 2 DS's both had ADHD. It's not something they can help having. When I married DH their stepdad I made it very clear that they would remain living and home with me as long as they needed to and we came as a package deal. DS1 left at 31 and DS2 left at 28. Both needed a lot of support but DS1 in particular needed help to find a home to live in and help with sorting out a mortgage, solicitors etc. as well as help with deposit. I also helped him furnish the house. DS2 needed less help with the solicitor but I found a mortgage offer for him and helped with the deposit. DH also helped them both with moving and especially with DIY. I would never have agreed for any of them to be thrown out of their home. You say your DH wants your DS to leave and be out of the house all the time but why can't he go out the house in the evenings if he can't cope with your DS at home? Why does your DH wants have to come before your DS's needs? If you push your DS out he will feel unwanted and it will ruin your relationship with him. I'd ask him nicely to please take his meds to make me happy because I worry if he doesn't take them. If you ask nicely maybe he will oblige. One of my sons wasn't keen on his meds because he said he didn't feel like himself when he took them. I pointed out to him he might not realise it but he was more stable when he took them. He just accepted this as he couldn't think why I'd lie to him about it. Over time he takes a lower dose, just enough to keep him stable.

People are saying get him to cook once a week etc, but that's not what is causing the problem from what I can see.

I have direct experience of this as a sibling, a spouse and a parent.

Your son is capable enough to have a job and run a car. Yes he has a disability and possibly he's masking in work all day and that's why the pacing and clicking of a night.

I agree with other posters about sitting down with him. I'd give two options.

1. Move out. Then he can behave exactly how he wishes. You will still support him where needed, invite him round for meals, on days out with the family etc.
2. He makes some changes which should then help his behaviour. The biggest I can see is him doing something high energy straight from work - box fit, jujitsu, climbing are great for ADHD due to the release and also the sensory input. Also he is more likely to make friends there than at a gym.

This may then help with his pacing and also his winding up of siblings because he's had his energy release and dopamine fix. Also would get him out of the house.

Are there other activities he could do than the pacing and clicking? Kinetic sand, lego - things that keep his hands busy and give him sensory input.

Look into sensory circuits. They're used for children a lot but can be adapted for adults. They're activities done in a certain way to calm the body and mind. They may help him to decompress and regulate himself.

Has he disclosed his condition at work? They could make adjustments like allowing movement breaks. If his job is sedentary, maybe more active job may help.

Could you and your husband come to an agreement where you alternate nights to relax in your room of a night so he has a night in his room watching tv etc and then a night where he can pace workout bothering anyone.

Loop ear plugs could be helpful for other members of the household when he is particularly loud.

Have a look into rejection sensitive disphoria. This may shine a loght on his reactions and help you to communicate with him in a more productive way.

Could your DH do an activity with him (climbing for example) so they bond a little rather than constant negativity.

I don't blame your DH. It's hard loving with someone with ADHD and it's his home too. Same as your other children. This could end up in them moving out as soon as they can and being resentful of their sibling. You have to think of everyone, including yourself and your son. I don't envy you.

As I said, I have a lot of experience in this area from all angles. If I can be of any help please PM me. I hope some of this is helpful to you.

I sent this to my DS with ADHD.

He’s only mid 20s why shouldn’t he still be at home! When did your son become your lodger?! Children first always, if that horrible man can’t accommodate that then he’s no husband or step dad worth bothering about. Show him the door, not your child.

@ThePeachPanda OP already said her DS already has a full time job and goes to work but only earns the minimum wage. He's not lazy.

If her children should come first, she should prioritise her children, not the adult son.

We have a supported living scheme here. It really helps DC move on and have some independence.

I used to work for a company who supported young adults living alone to gain independence. By young adults it meant upto about 50…. Just saying. These places I worked in were either purpose built flat schemes or huge 4/5 bedroom houses, where a member (usually two) were always on site. A timetable of support was worked out and that’s how we helped those that lived there. We had some who needed help with most things, some who just needed company… we even had one who we used to help buy tickets to raves!!!. I have never enjoyed a job more!!! The lovely people who wanted independence but couldn’t quite manage it, lived their lives “thinking” they were fully in control. Could somewhere like that be an option for your son? He would get support in finances, preparing things for the following day, in fact anything they wanted. You would know they were fine and being supported in a way they wanted to be supported. If you want to inbox me I’ll give you the name of the company as they are UK wide. Their webpage gives an idea on the packages they offer. Hand on heart I never had such job satisfaction as I did there… wasn’t like a job at all. I hope one way or another your family can find middle ground here. I know how soul destroying it is to feel like you’re literally being ripped in a thousand directions trying to do your best for everyone without anyone else feeling put out. Sending hugs and thoughts.

Has it got worse now he’s working? I wonder whether he’s having a harder time masking at work and so symptoms get worse when he’s home. Might be worth probing a bit on this to find out.

to all the people saying dd will always have a home with them, have they lived with a 20+ adult with no consideration for anyone else in the house? I will always support my children in emergencies but expect them to be fully functioning independent adults (appreciate the ND means more support to get them there). Living with me as an adult is not a lifestyle choice I support as I don’t think it does them any favours in the long term. Both my dc have lived with me for varying periods in their twenties but both knew it was a stepping stone only. I would imagine the issue with dh is that there no view of how long this is likely to last. A plan to move to independent living would probably go a long way to a tolerable arrangement in the meantime

Good post.

I would try another sit down with your husband and son, but reframe it as "what can we each do for each other" instead of "this is what you doing wrong" which, to be honest would make anyone defensive, let alone if you are ND. I get that you and your husband want your DS to move out, but right now it doesn't feel like that's really on the cards, so let's deal with what is possible.

I would start by letting your DS go first and make a request of something that he would like to change in the home. Of course you're not just going to give him anything he asks, it's got to be reasonable, but maybe him winding up his siblings is because he wants to spend time with them. Maybe he wants to do one evening a week of family time, play a game, watch a film, or whatever. As much as possible, be flexible and open to what he suggests, even if it seems pointless/silly/ridiculous to you. Then in return, your DH gets to make a request, you DS spends one evening a week out of the house or in his room - talk about it together and find a hobby or something that fills that time slot so he's not just feeling caged up in his room thinking about everyone else having free reign to walk around the house. And then you get to make a request, etc. And then you set a time for another chat in a week's time to see how it went, what could change, any new ideas, etc. But it's a give and take. No one gets to just ignore the other, and crucially both have to compromise. Treat it like an experiment, don't put pressure on it, and be honest. While your son is and will always be your child, he is an adult, so making him an equal part of the solution will go a long way. Say something like, "we all know this is a real problem, and we can't carry on like this. We also know that what we've said before hasn't worked, so we're going to try something new. If it doesn't work that's fine, but we're going to try this for a month (or other appropriate timescale)"

I also think one of the first requests is that he takes his medication. But don't make that the focus. It sounds like he's already pushed back quite hard on it, so keep it light. "My request is that you take your meds." No need to go any further, and if he says he doesn't need them, then say something like "ok, but that's my request, and if you do that for me, then you get XX (his request) from me/DH, and we can revisit it next week"

He’s your son … sorry but that is the top and bottom of it … he has to come first 💚

@Alli88 Did you read all the OP’s posts? She has two younger children (with her DH) whom her eldest son winds up.

If the marriage breaks down, she’ll probably be living with her DS and paying CMS to her DH. He’s likely to have custody of their younger children who won’t want to live with their older brother. His current behavior is affecting the entire family.

Think the point that was made, is if op, didn’t have a partner, would this be an issue.

But she does and she also has other children. So its not relevant at all.

Lots of people live in intolerable situations and perhaps they shouldnt, perhaps its someone else that says 'this isnt ok any more'

But this is not just about her ‘new’ husband. She has other kids to consider - she is trying to keep her family together for their sake too. It’s not a good solution for her to live unhappily with her eldest while her youngest go live with their dad. Myself and my kids have adhd - we have to take responsibility for any behaviour that is causing stress to the family. Having adhd is not a get out of jail free card to be disruptive at home.

@housethatbuiltme - thanks for your insightful post and giving the perspective of someone who had ADHD. I don't, but two close friends do, my hairdresser does, my colleague does. All four successfully manage their condition and life to the point of having children, their own businesses, houses, careers. Someone tell me if I'm wrong but where is the vulnerability in a mid 20s man who holds down a full time job, drives, goes to the gym, does his own washing? What would be the material difference in him doing this is his own home rather than his parents?

I couldn't live with someone who paced up and down all evening while I was trying to relax, it would unnerve anyone and I don't blame your dh for having had enough of it. I'd insist he stopped doing it and went out or stayed upstairs in the evenings or move out.