To be suspicious about DH

[JustMissNobody]

i can’t sleep and been going out of my mind all day wondering what the hell is going on and what to do. DH announced he was taking a week off on Friday out of the blue, he’s self employed. No mention of intentions of doing so prior to this. And then followed this with he thinks he’ll go away for a few days or a week. I was dumbstruck.

firstly because this is so far out of character to just take time off without mentioning anything prior and I’ve asked about us going away so many times just for even a couple of days if he can’t take a week off and he’s consistently told me he can’t because of work, or other commitments. His other commitments have also been miraculously dealt with too. So from telling me on Friday afternoon, he’s booked a holiday leaving Sunday morning for 5 days, and all this as apparently been dealt with with no pre planning.

its so not like him and going away solo? I never dreamed in a million years he’d be someone that could do that, he’s not a very social person, doesn’t go out drinking etc. I asked him if he was going with someone and he totally went off the deep end. He went upstairs about 2.30 this afternoon packing for his trip and he’s been sat in the bedroom ever since and refusing to speak to me. I’m now in the spare room because he’s still got a face on with me and ignoring me. WTAF?

It's not really me but I would be hiding the passport. Because if it is another woman he will completely have a meltdown and you will find out exactly what is going on. There will be an enormous row, you can give him the passport just before he leaves, and you have a whole week to put things into place to end the marriage

I could not go a whole week not knowing what was happening, where he was and who with. And the only way to get the truth is to hide the passport and blow the whole thing up

I can understand wanting to go off on a solo holiday, the way he has gone about it is off though.

I would be at the airport to bid him farewell and see if he is alone or not.

So sorry you're going through this, OP. His behaviour and your daughter's sound incredibly hurtful xx

I’m sorry @JustMissNobody the whole situation must be so upsetting and confusing for you.

From my perspective it doesn’t matter if there is an OW, where he is going, why is he going etc. Don’t waste all your energy on investigating this. The answers don’t matter in the long run.

The main issue is that he treats you appallingly - contempt, rudeness, gaslighting, secrecy etc. Is there any love left - is he ever kind to you, affectionate, is there still intimacy between you? Is there anything worth trying to salvage? From what you have written so far it doesn’t sound like it.

Use the 5 days he is away very wisely - search the whole house for any paperwork of financials. Gather whatever you can. Go see a solicitor while he is away, this is imperative. You need to know what situation you will be in if this is the end of the marriage.

Do you work? Can you increase your hours/income? Can you afford to rent a flat on your own? Do you have a family member with a spare room that would let you stay with them short term?

Cherchez La Femme
Buy an Airtag
Pop it into his baggage
Find him
Divorce the lying shitbag

Wow what an awful situation to be in.
I'd be very upset with DD too. Regardless of why he's done it but it fully sounds like an affair, he doesn't respect you and by the sounds of it your DD is following in his footsteps, the fact you've barely had a holiday in 34 years and don't own your hone even though he's self employed and by the sounds of it earning good money sounds like he's squirrelling it away.
Tell him before he leaves the relationship is over and not to come back to the house as the locks will have changed. And follow through on it.

Can you book yourself a week away OP?

Even a UK break, if he can, why can't you?

He absolutely can't have a passport that's been regularly updated for the last 34 years and never gone on holiday.

It's not really me but I would be hiding the passport.

I absolutely wouldn't. In the end he is a free man and it is his passport and if something is going on, witholding the passport wouldn't change a thing.

Use the week to do some digging. Make sure you have copies of all relevant paperwork in relation to the house, pension, earnings etc. More a getting your ducks in row exercise so you have that sorted if need be.

If they house is jointly owned, you cannot change the locks. Ignore that advice. I am going through something similar. Just focus on the things you can do!

Op you’ve said there is marital issues, could he really just have had enough with that and work, be struggling and need time away?

He would come home to an empty house and with the LL asking him to sign a new agreement if he wanted to stay.

I would go nuclear over this and he would have seen me for the last time. No chance I would want to set eyes on his laundry from that trip!

I'm feeling conflicted here.
He's financially abusive, gaslights you, possibly manipulates DC to his way of thinking, works excessive hours, and then pulls this outrageous holiday stunt. So you can maintain your dignified stance, let him go, and turn the house over gathering the financial evidence you need for your solicitor.
Or
Hide his passport until he talks to you.

However, I have a lingering concern that he might be having a breakdown (in addition to being a top notch wanker). If he's in crisis (which people can hide very well) the potential consequences are unthinkable. So I'd be tempted to follow him to the airport, ridiculous as it sounds. If he meets another woman there, you know he's mentally safe but a cheating bastard.

No happy answers, I'm afraid.

He only contributes £400 per month to the household? I'm hoping I've got that wrong, because that's an absolute piss take.

Sounds like an OW, and if that's the case, he isn't going to give your daughter the correct location. Do you have his flight number? I'd be tempted to get on that flight and follow him. An air tag in his suitcase wouldn't work, as it would send an alert to his phone, that he was being tagged.

Aside from all this, your lives sound very separate. Do you want to grow old with him? It sounds like you don't do a lot together, which isn't how things should be!! You should have plans together, holidays to look forward to etc.

This is going to eat you up.
You need to make it clear, that if he goes without an explication, then he's not coming back.
He must already know this is a deal breaker? so sorry.
It seems from what you say that he has been working late, distant, hiding info & money etc. The logical conclusion is sadly the most likely.
He is going with an OW or OM.

Let him go and spend the week lining up a divorce. Go through any and all paperwork, attend the business premises etc.

Your daughter should not have been roped in by either of you so stop asking her things.

You can't stop him going or having an affair. You could speak to someone if you genuinely think he is in serious crisis.

If it is a choice to behave this way, not a crisis, then he is being a Grade A cunt. I'm inclined to think he is anyway given the financial behaviour.

In your shoes, id be deciding today that things are over. At this point, all that matters is that it is not a crisis, he is making a choice. I'd treat it as a fuck up on his part to have given you a weeks head start amd make full use of it.

Get the business key off his keyring photograph his bank cards, do whatever is necessary to get the full picture and find yourself a shitnhot divorce lawyer.

Don't grovel, beg. At the very least send him off with a peaceful "have a lovely time dear" to fuck with his head and unsettle him so he is wondering why you aren't flapping and getting upset. This is your time to prepare.

And at the very least strip his bed and make sure there is an empty fridge when he returns so the fucker has extra jobs to do and doesn't walk back into peace.

How bloody awful! After 34 years he treats you like this?!

I couldn't survive the 5 days without knowing why he's doing this. I'd have to follow him to the airport.

I've read all your posts OP and to be honest this doesn't sound like a marriage or partnership. You've no idea about his financials? He won't entertain sharing this information, buying a home or going away with you?! This is madness. Let him go and then spend the week getting lined up to separate. He's an awful abusive man.

Offer to run him to the airport. Will save on parking. And can you collect him? See what his reaction is. Where is he going? Have you got contact details, has he got insurance? After all if he disappears or dies on holiday you may need to get his body home.

This is a massive red flag. He’s having an affair.

How difficult for you but it sounds as though there's been an awful lot bubbling away under the surface for quite some time and it's now reaching boiling point. I wouldn't bother to find out any more about the holiday or do things like turning up as what's the point? It won't change anything. Your marriage is in crisis whether you know the details of his holiday or not. I would use the next week to process your honest thoughts and think about divorce & a life of independence without him as your husband. I don't know how old you both are but assuming 50's? Either way, there are plenty mire years ahead of you to find your feet and hige yourself the future life you really want. Sorry you're going through this but just let him go, in all senses.

Let him go on holiday, don't hide his passport. Get him out the house and then use that time to gather as much information as possible regarding his finances etc and see if you can get an hour free consultation with a solicitor to go through your options.

If you are on the side of trying to salvage your marriage then you will have to sit tight and see how it plays out once he is back.

If you are on the side of thinking this whole situation (no joint account, him refusing to share financial information, saying unpleasant things behind your back, and going on holiday with no prior warning or explanation) is not something you want to salvage, then you need to consider your long term future and what you want that to look like.

As you place is rented, are you on the agreement or just him? If it's just him, then I might be tempted to see if I can rent somewhere else in the short term. To not be there when he gets back. Even if that means a B&B in the interim if you can't move in somewhere immediately.

If this is what you decide to do, then cancel any DDs that relate to your existing home that are on your account. Let him sort it out when he gets back.

And don't confide in your daughter. If she can't see how hurtful this is to you, then you need to keep her at arms length while you sort yourself out.

Ok real long shot… he had a short fling many many years ago on foreign business trip, found out recently child was conceived, needs to go abroad to meet child, (now adult), establish paternity. Cant tell wife as reveals old affair, and maybe not his child. dd knows so is trying to cover up /stall until the truth is known.
perhaps I’ve read too many books like this!

So no will then in case he suddenly died? He would die intestate and just that is a nightmare. How could you claim what is yours?

I don't think some people realize how difficult it is to find out information or access bank accounts, business accounts or anything like that if someone has it locked down. You can't just bypass passwords without an IT security expert working for you! The OP has already said that it's impossible to access even his phone, he never lets go of it so why do people think she is going to be able to find out everything she wants to know with him away a week

At least hijack the ipad