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Original poster

To be suspicious about DH

1000 replies

JustMissNobody · 17/08/2024 23:00

i can’t sleep and been going out of my mind all day wondering what the hell is going on and what to do. DH announced he was taking a week off on Friday out of the blue, he’s self employed. No mention of intentions of doing so prior to this. And then followed this with he thinks he’ll go away for a few days or a week. I was dumbstruck.

firstly because this is so far out of character to just take time off without mentioning anything prior and I’ve asked about us going away so many times just for even a couple of days if he can’t take a week off and he’s consistently told me he can’t because of work, or other commitments. His other commitments have also been miraculously dealt with too. So from telling me on Friday afternoon, he’s booked a holiday leaving Sunday morning for 5 days, and all this as apparently been dealt with with no pre planning.

its so not like him and going away solo? I never dreamed in a million years he’d be someone that could do that, he’s not a very social person, doesn’t go out drinking etc. I asked him if he was going with someone and he totally went off the deep end. He went upstairs about 2.30 this afternoon packing for his trip and he’s been sat in the bedroom ever since and refusing to speak to me. I’m now in the spare room because he’s still got a face on with me and ignoring me. WTAF?

OP posts:
InsensibleMe · 18/08/2024 09:25

It is so blatant that I am guessing not an affair. But I have no other suggestions.

Americano75 · 18/08/2024 09:25

You deserve a holiday yourself OP, a permanent one from this proper piece of shit. Get your ducks in a row, and get him all the way to fuck.

PeggyMitchellsCameo · 18/08/2024 09:29

After reading all of your posts OP it sounds like for most of your marriage you have been a poorly paid housekeeper. The lack of funds, holidays, the fact that after all those years he has all of his personal affairs locked away.
Have you ever made a will together, or does he have one? I am only mentioning this because myself and my DP discussed all of our financials at that stage. I also help with his accounts so I know exactly how well he is doing.
He is being abusive. It’s desertion. If he’s thought about his passport and arranged all of this trip without you, he’s not having a breakdown.
I would be interested to see if he actually bothers to contact you while he is away.
He is clearly manipulative around your DD, if she has taken his side. Does he financially support her in any way?
And if he is manipulative and has an OW he will be telling her a few tall tales as well. If she’s agreed to the trip, how sad for her building a future on another woman’s pain.
34 years is a long time, you are in shock, but this is a wake up call and it’s time to pack his things while he is away.

PashaMinaMio · 18/08/2024 09:35

Using a passport for ID is easier than his Driving Licence???
What a load of tosh.

This trip has been brewing for a long time as per getting a passport 12 months ago. I reckon there’s someone else in the background and this trip has been a plan just coming to fruition now.

He sounds like an awful husband anyway so now’s a good time to review your heavily “under thumb life” and boot him out of it. Your daughter is not on your side but she’ll have her own sh*t to deal with one day. Just remember that when she comes crying to you.

i think it will help if you speak to someone whose opinion you trust and who is a good listener. A relative maybe? It kinda helps to vent and try to me sense of this bat shi*t he’s dumped on you.

Good luck OP. Let us know how you get on,

GingerPirate · 18/08/2024 09:38

In a nutshell and emotions aside, divorce.
Your kids are adults now, your life without
this 💩 in it would be marvellous, after the necessary changes.
I don't know how old you are, I'm 45
and would do exactly this, if I was you.
❤️

Fannyfiggs · 18/08/2024 09:39

Wow, what a tosser. I agree with pp, use this week to find as much paperwork as you can and will need to divorce this man.

He's treated you like an unpaid employee, you deserve better ❤️

TipsyJoker · 18/08/2024 09:40

Garlicfest · 18/08/2024 01:01

i don’t know the code to his phone, passwords to anything of his, email accounts, who he bank with, his full earnings, what he spends money on or anything like that. He believes these are all personal things that no one else is entitled to know.

Fucking hell, OP. It's like only one of you has been married these 34 years, and it isn't him! Please tell me you have your own work and income.

You'll need this info to complete your impending divorce. I don't know how you would get it, but maybe some other MNers do.

Meanwhile, you have a joint account? I'd empty that if I were you. You can't tell what's coming.

Edited

Forensic accountant.

SummerSplashing · 18/08/2024 09:43

Moveoverdarlin · 18/08/2024 00:45

I would genuinely follow him to the airport. I really would. See if he meets someone there. When your daughter says let him enjoy the holiday…what holiday? You don’t know where he’s going?? It’s mental behaviour. Do you know the code for his phone? Can you get it while he’s asleep?

@Moveoverdarlin

that would be pointless, if ther is an OW, they're just as likely to be flying out if different airports & meeting there 🤷🏻‍♀️

it's also a waste of time worrying about an OW.

regardless of why, he's treating his wife of 34 years (maybe not wife all that time, can't remember, but been together 34years) atriciously. Unless she think he's having a breakdown. I'd just tell him that unless he explains himself 'now' to not bother coming back to their home. OW or not. It takes a LOT of strength, but so would just letting him waltz back in next Friday like nothing had happened!

BetterWithPockets · 18/08/2024 09:43

SoHotandPregnant87 · 18/08/2024 02:08

I'd us the week to:
See a solicitor
Get ALL important paperwork you can get your hands on
Change the locks
Pack his belongings

I know 34 years is all crumbling before your eyes but this is your opportunity to take control. Set aside your sadness and tears. There will be time for that later. Find that angry, organized lady within you.

Even if there is no OW, this is no way to treat a person you love. He's HORRIBLE.

This, OP. This. PLEASE use the week to try to find out all you can about his finances in particular so you get what you’re entitled to if it comes to divorce. (How you do that I’m not sure as you don’t have access to his accounts, but there might be a way to access the business accounts — hopefully someone can advise.)

5128gap · 18/08/2024 09:44

I would be concerned about this, as there are several possible explanations from an affair to a MH crisis, to business failure and I'm sure many others. Unfortunately none of them are good. Because for some reason he feels the need to escape from you, his family and his life, without a willingness to explain or share his reasons. Which means that he believes that his reasons are not ones you'd be happy with. At this point I think you are pretty powerless. He's going. He's not going to discuss it, so that's that for now. It's going to be a difficult few days, but I think you've no choice but to wait and see what happens when he returns. While also preparing for the possibility he may not return. Make sure you have access to the money and other practical things you need to cope in any eventuality.

ConservationLie · 18/08/2024 09:46

did you follow him OP?

SummerSplashing · 18/08/2024 09:49

JustMissNobody · 18/08/2024 01:26

He’s never wanted a joint account as such, I had had an account that my earnings went into (child benefits etc) when DCs were younger that we both had a card for. He would pay in some of his wages (he was employed at the time) and all bills, shopping etc got paid out of that. We bought what we needed and discussed purchases with each other.

things changed when i was on maternity leave, he paid most of the bills, shopping etc.

over the yrs I’ve still have my earnings paid into my account, and he started his own business he pays into the account but he doesn’t have a card anymore. He pays in £100 a week. He says that’s a fair amount. It’s been a constant disagreement for the past 12 months since his business started doing really well.

our house is rented and I’ve been wanting to buy a home for a while. Our daughter laughs and tells DH he will have to come clean with his earnings when we do but he just scoffs and dismisses it.

Edited

@JustMissNobody

fucking hell. £100pw rent bills food... WTAF.

as for...

I don’t know the code to his phone, passwords to anything of his, email accounts, who he bank with, his full earnings, what he spends money on or anything like that. He believes these are all personal things that no one else is entitled to know

you're not 'anyone else' your supposed to be his wife!

get yourself a shit hot lawyer & take this cunt to the cleaners!

SummerSplashing · 18/08/2024 09:50

& little miss funny pants can live with her sainted Daddy.

Blubbled · 18/08/2024 09:50

JustMissNobody · 18/08/2024 00:55

A few answers to some of the questions asked:

yes we have had nights away just the two of us. Not for a few yrs though now. He’s been too busy with work or we’ve not been getting along. It’s been one thing or another.

i don’t know the code to his phone, passwords to anything of his, email accounts, who he bank with, his full earnings, what he spends money on or anything like that. He believes these are all personal things that no one else is entitled to know.

ive thought about finding out when and where his flight leaves and returns and spying on him. Sabotaging his holiday plans but I’m not going to waste my time or energy doing any of that. He wants to go so he can, if I stopped him now, it wouldn’t save my marriage if there’s OW, the damage as already been done and there’s no going back from that.

OP I'm really sorry he's doing this too you and angry on your behalf! He's behaving despicably!
I think there's no point confronting him anymore now. As you have said, let him go on his jolly and whilst he's away, see a solicitor, get yourself financially secure i.e. move money from any joint accounts into your personal account- if you don't have one, set one up first thing tomorrow, Monday! Use this time to get your ducks in a row as they say, and don't let either him nor your DD know what you're up to until you pull the rug from under his feet.
TBH I feel that your DD is betraying you as well and that would hurt me even more than the way your H is treating you! You can't trust her so don't discuss it, nor what you're going to do, with her anymore. You need to focus on protecting yourself and finding out your legal rights from now on OP. You need to get in touch with your anger and use the energy it gives to empower you to do for yourself what an husband should do for his wife i.e. prioritise yourself, your wellbeing, your financial welfare and your dignity!
My STBX cheated on me too and it was the most horrible thing I have ever been through, but just over a year on and I am almost glad he did it, as it gave me the push I needed to kick him out, cut communication and start to go my own way, plus I have an inner peace now I never could quite achieve when I was with him. You will grieve, but you will heal too OP!
Time to be your own best friend now, keep posting here for support and God bless you!

SummerSplashing · 18/08/2024 09:51

Pedallleur · 18/08/2024 09:09

Offer to run him to the airport. Will save on parking. And can you collect him? See what his reaction is. Where is he going? Have you got contact details, has he got insurance? After all if he disappears or dies on holiday you may need to get his body home.

@Pedallleur

i wouldn't fucking bother, it can rot wherever he drops. Utter cunt deserves no more.

sandyhappypeople · 18/08/2024 09:51

Sounds like it’s time to end this relationship, I’m quite shocked you’ve put up with all this for so long, go and see a solicitor while he is away.

SummerSplashing · 18/08/2024 09:54

Josephinesnapoleon · 18/08/2024 09:02

Op you’ve said there is marital issues, could he really just have had enough with that and work, be struggling and need time away?

@Josephinesnapoleon

it doesn't matter. This is NOT the way to go about it.

SweetFemaleAttitude · 18/08/2024 09:55

Fucking hell. DIVORCE. And take the miserable fucker for half of everything!!!

OtterMouse · 18/08/2024 09:57

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

SummerSplashing · 18/08/2024 09:58

Pedallleur · 18/08/2024 09:18

So no will then in case he suddenly died? He would die intestate and just that is a nightmare. How could you claim what is yours?

@Pedallleur

They're married, dying intestate is less of a problem

SummerSplashing · 18/08/2024 10:00

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

@OtterMouse

i presumed her daughter had only just told her, because of this situation, but maybe not.

shes been like a frog in warm water for so many years she's not seeing how bad ALL of this is.

Bangwam1 · 18/08/2024 10:02

Constantcookies · 18/08/2024 01:01

i don’t know the code to his phone, passwords to anything of his, email accounts, who he bank with, his full earnings, what he spends money on or anything like that. He believes these are all personal things that no one else is entitled to know.

This is awful. Has your marriage always been like this? Why do people even get married if they don’t want to properly share their life.

Men get married for someone to breed and take care of them. They don’t even want their wife most of the time, she’s too nice and decent. They want a toxic fun pos on the side.

AngelusBell · 18/08/2024 10:02

This worries me too - could he have been planning this for a year?

Blubbled · 18/08/2024 10:02

Taluulaah · 18/08/2024 05:19

Very sad situation for you to be in, but I completely agree with your dignified stance; no chasing, spying, stalking, turning up on holiday or burning passports… though I admit it’s tempting, you already know it won’t change much. All the info will come out in time, where he’s been, who with, why the secrecy etc. But it won’t change what he’s done or how he’s acted.

Rather than clinging onto a dead-in-the-water relationship with a disrespectful, distant man, you can be putting yourself back together and ensuring whatever comes after this is going to work FOR YOU. Make this the very last time he treats you as “less than” - you deserve so much better and don’t need to take this shit from anyone, let alone him. Keep your head up, OP, get your ducks in a row as they say, and show him exactly what he has lost as a consequence of his unbelievably selfish decision. Xx

Very well said!!
This is sound advice OP, please act on it!

stayathomegardener · 18/08/2024 10:03

I'd be heading over to his business premises first thing Monday morning and quizzing the staff.

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