To be suspicious about DH

[JustMissNobody]

i can’t sleep and been going out of my mind all day wondering what the hell is going on and what to do. DH announced he was taking a week off on Friday out of the blue, he’s self employed. No mention of intentions of doing so prior to this. And then followed this with he thinks he’ll go away for a few days or a week. I was dumbstruck.

firstly because this is so far out of character to just take time off without mentioning anything prior and I’ve asked about us going away so many times just for even a couple of days if he can’t take a week off and he’s consistently told me he can’t because of work, or other commitments. His other commitments have also been miraculously dealt with too. So from telling me on Friday afternoon, he’s booked a holiday leaving Sunday morning for 5 days, and all this as apparently been dealt with with no pre planning.

its so not like him and going away solo? I never dreamed in a million years he’d be someone that could do that, he’s not a very social person, doesn’t go out drinking etc. I asked him if he was going with someone and he totally went off the deep end. He went upstairs about 2.30 this afternoon packing for his trip and he’s been sat in the bedroom ever since and refusing to speak to me. I’m now in the spare room because he’s still got a face on with me and ignoring me. WTAF?

BTW if it is an OW then he’s pressed the nuclear button on your marriage because he’s not bothered about trying to hide it from you anymore. He’s telling you the marriage is over.

@JustMissNobody Honestly OP let the OW have him the dos respect he shows you is off the scale .
£100 a week while using the rest to entertain OW I’d say this isn’t the first one. .

He treats you liek crap on his shoe.

Leave him and take half the money .

He is one nasty piece of work .

i think you have to get your head around the fact when he walks off on his holiday your marriage is over. . if pack his stuff now .

As for your daughter I’d be asking her nothing else as he’s manipulating her and it’s not working out great for you is it.

Let her takes sides but keep you mouth shut it’s getting you nowhere with her and tell her nothing either .

💐

You must be thinking all sorts right now, OP. He seems to be very mean with money though, £100 a week is an insult. Please consider a forensic accountant if you think he is hiding finances from you.

I'm just so sorry. If anything, I'd feel more betrayed by your daughter. How can she criticise you for wanting to know where your DH is going??

This is appalling! If there is another woman involved I think you should be pleased to be rid of him.

OW or not neither his behaviour or treatment of you is acceptable. I am so sorry you are being treated in this way - you should plan a lovely holiday away of your own!

I agree that the daughter thing has me most shocked.

He is an absolute arsehole. He is gaslighting you and as others have said, this is definitely no marriage from everything else.you have said.

But for your daughter to tell you that you are ruining his holiday....WTAF? She sounds just like him! This is exactly how my husband was treated by his family previously. Like the bloody dog under the table. Even down to the finances. His 'child' would have been the same. And her telling you what he said, about how lovely it was that you weren't there? That's absolutely horrid that she would a. Tell you but also b. Not be absolutely horrified by what her father has said. It's mean and very cruel. Nice people do not do these things.

Please realise you are worth more than this. Hope you are ok

If all he needed was space why has he reacted so defensively to the OP's questions?
He has been gaslighting her for years.

I'd be inclined to hide the passport.

Because when you’re in a bad place, it’s difficult to explain yourself.

I agree with others, most likely affair or mental breakdown. The support of your daughter is rather jarring. What business is he involved in? Any covered up money or tax issues likely? Perhaps he has come clean to your daughter and she has been sympathetic for some reason. Other possibility I thought of, involvement in some sort of illegal activity and he is about to get caught. Again, he has spun your daughter a yarn and told her not to tell you. Utterly bizarre behaviour though.

The more you’re saying the more it sounds like a bloody awful marriage to a twat anyway! What he’s doing is beyond mean and selfish so I’d tell him to fuck off and not come back. He’s treating you like a mug.

I would be hiding the password too (providing you don't think he would physically hurt you as he sounds emotionally abusive).

Not sure if your daughter doesn't care about you or if your husband is manipulating her. You mentioned your partner telling her it was better when you weren't around. Why would she then tell you this knowing it would upset you....something doesn't make sense there

Let him go.
Good riddance
Even if there isn't another woman, he's treated you badly for a long time.
This is your wake-up call
Get digging for financial details while he's away and see a solicitor.
Don't waste time looking for proof of an affair.
He's treated you badly enough for you to want to separate even without OW.

Remember you have a right to choose too
It's not about whether he wants you
What do you want?

Sadly this is exactly what I was thinking.
OP, while he’s away gather all the financial info you can find. Go through the house looking fir his bank statements, any pension letters, everything.
Speak to a solicitor.

I would just say you obviously aren’t invested in this marriage any more so I will bag up all your stuff while you are gone for you to move out.

This. It's very odd he got a passport 12months ago after 34years if not going abroad.

Your husband has conditioned your daughter to be disrespectful towards you and to take his side, hes manipulative before it starts.
Hes having an affair or going to have sex wherever he ends up or has met someone online in that country.
If i had the money, id find different flight to same place..find where hes staying beforehand, .. book into that hotel or one close and yep id look out for him and who he is with.. because it will be another woman or for sex workers.
My ex of 25 years, never thought he would, but cheated and that started online, protective of his phone etc. hallmarks.
If you arent the sort to go over there, just pack his stuff and whilst hes gone ring women's aid for advice on benefits, support. Please dont stay with him..hes abusive. Find out his finances whilst hes gone if you can.

He's been planning for years to leave you, and hiding his finances.

So you're saying someone in a bad head space would plan something 12months in advance? I don't think that's how breakdowns work

Yep...getting passport 12 mth ago and not telling OP until he had to is another red flag

OP this is a horrible scenario for you to find yourself in. Sadly, your marriage is over: use the next 5 days to find a solicitor (maybe use the remainder of this thread to find someone??). Hugs xx

Maybe he should move out...

This isn’t your fault @JustMissNobody and it’s a horrible situation. But like lots of us who’ve been in similar, you’ll find the strength to get through it and have a better life after it 💐

I don't want to make assumptions, OP, but based on what you've written, there seems to be an air of provisionality about your marriage - to be married for 34 years and still renting, never having really been on a family holiday, and your husband keeping you in the dark re. his finances and paying into an account rather than having a proper joint account: I know you have grown up children with him, but other than that, it doesn't sound like much of a marriage.

Only you can know what is the best course of action depending on you / your husband / your children, but I'd want a frank and honest conversation with him about where your marriage goes from here, whether he takes himself off on this holiday or not. After 34 years of marriage, he owes you this.

OP, I know you have been married for 30+ years but this isn't a healthy relationship and you deserve more.

Get a solicitor and get lots done before he is back so that you can get a divorce.

Move on for a happier future without him. Go on holidays and no longer put up with his absolute nonsense.