To be suspicious about DH

[JustMissNobody]

i can’t sleep and been going out of my mind all day wondering what the hell is going on and what to do. DH announced he was taking a week off on Friday out of the blue, he’s self employed. No mention of intentions of doing so prior to this. And then followed this with he thinks he’ll go away for a few days or a week. I was dumbstruck.

firstly because this is so far out of character to just take time off without mentioning anything prior and I’ve asked about us going away so many times just for even a couple of days if he can’t take a week off and he’s consistently told me he can’t because of work, or other commitments. His other commitments have also been miraculously dealt with too. So from telling me on Friday afternoon, he’s booked a holiday leaving Sunday morning for 5 days, and all this as apparently been dealt with with no pre planning.

its so not like him and going away solo? I never dreamed in a million years he’d be someone that could do that, he’s not a very social person, doesn’t go out drinking etc. I asked him if he was going with someone and he totally went off the deep end. He went upstairs about 2.30 this afternoon packing for his trip and he’s been sat in the bedroom ever since and refusing to speak to me. I’m now in the spare room because he’s still got a face on with me and ignoring me. WTAF?

So many 🚩 🚩🚩🚩🚩 🥺

I’m so very sorry @JustMissNobody your husband is and has been treating you terribly. Whatever he’s doing, with whomever it is very clear your marriage is over. I personally think taking back some control and making your own decision to move forward and start separating in his absence will be uplifting. I couldn’t live with the gnawing anxiety of waiting till Friday for answers. You’re likely not to get any then either. He has gaslit you for such a long time about what is acceptable with regards money and how couples interact. Good luck to you, this is a heartbreaking situation. I’d far rather know something was over than have this silent and moody behaviour.

I initially thought that it may be a mental health issue and that he was going away to harm himself.
However, after reading your subsequent posts and the terrible way he has treated you over the years, I think that he has another woman.
The fact that he is permanently glued to his phone is a red flag.
Even if he is not having an affair the marriage appears to be in dire straits
Op, the truth is that the marriage was over years ago.

He's been planning this for at least 12 months.

Check all you finances. If you have your own bank account transfer half of whatever is in a joint account into it now. If you don't have your own account, you can open a Monzo one online in minutes.

Get all your documents together, house, business, assets etc. Call a solicitor on Monday.

This man is leaving you and he's too gutless to tell you. Sounds like he is going off on holiday with another woman too.

I’d do this then book a week away.

Tell him if he goes off like this then he shouldn't bother coming back

@JustMissNobody I'd be telling him if he gets on that plane then he doesn't bother coming home! How rude and disrespectful of him. After 34 years of marriage if he can't be bothered to discuss this with you then your marriage is over.

I'd also book your own holiday to get some space. He sounds awful. Book something leaving the day he gets back and don't tell him any details either. Just disappear. Just leave a note saying 'having some space".

Are you scared of him OP? It’s all very well for PP to say demand this and tell him that - but if he’s physically and verbally hostile it’s not as simple as that. You could be worried he will hit you. Ppl telling you to kick him out or tell him not to come back are all very well - but if he’s a bully or holds utter contempt for you he’ll just ignore you or laugh in your face. It sounds like he has the upper hand. Do you rely on him financially to put a roof over your head? Again, not easy to just leave/end a long term relationship.

Do you think he’s pissed off at you going away with DC and GC and this is his way of punishing you for that?

The fact he won’t tell you what he earns etc is a very messed up way of behaving in a long term relationship and it’s clearly not equal. If you can live without him you really should OP, you’ll be so much happier. 💐

Trying to find out more & making it all about him is unlikely to be much help OP even though it's a really stressful & difficult situation. All the time you do this you are just being the person he knows. Make him think twice by being different to that.

As best you can switch your focus back to you & concentrate on anything that helps you accept your feelings without discussing with him.

This resource is excellent in providing the tools to do just that.

www.chumplady.com

You deserve better than all of this and would be better off single. See the holiday as a big favour to you, let him get in with it and use his time away to sort yourself out financially and practically. If you must stay where you are dump his stuff at your daughter’s house and change the tenancy to your name.

He's having an affair. Of course he is.
Men like him don't just up sticks and go on holiday alone. Yes to the airtag in his luggage. It'll probably be fine in customs, but if it's found who cares? Your marriage is over anyway.

An OW? Let her have him! He sounds bloody awful and you’d be better without him.

yesssss, the passport growing legs would definitely be on my list 🤭🤭🤭

Your husband and daughter are letting you down badly. You sound unhappy generally and don’t deserve this treatment.
How little you know about your finances is particularly worrying and you need to see a solicitor immediately so you know what to do next. For example if you change the locks and throw out his stuff won’t he just stop paying the rent etc.
You've described a situation that I would find intolerable and I would rather be on my own than live like that.
Good luck and be proactive.

Reading through all your posts it sounds like you have not been getting on particularly well over the recent past. Comments about a recent weekend being better without you present imply he is blaming you for these problems. I would guess he's decided that he "deserves" a holiday away from you and work.

I don't necessarily think he's going away with another woman. He'll know full well he's been financially abusive for a long time, and if he's now earning substantially more than he used to, that will be even more difficult to navigate around. It sounds like this has been a contentious issue recently. I think his defensivness could be explained if he's decided to splurge a large sum of money on a break for only himself and doesn't want to be made to feel guilty about that. He'll know it rather dwarfs the £100 per week he shares with you...

Being unreasonable and secretive is probably easier for him than having a(nother?) conversation that might lead to questions about why he's not sharing these higher earnings and helping secure your futures with a house purchase etc.

Given your relationship issues I'd also suspect that if the opportunity arose to "socialise" with any of the opposite sex whilst away on his well-earned jaunt he wouldn't necessarily be adverse to it. I would guess his current behaviour is more down to the money side of things though.

There's always two sides to any story but from what you've written I feel really sorry that you've ended up with your life entwined with such an awful person.

In fact, a stick a little plastic bag of flour in there too 😉
Not really, but he's such an arsehole I'd be tempted.

£100 a week?

Is that his entire contribution?

This - time for you to take control now OP and see a solicitor whilst he’s away. Get a good understanding of your financial situation and send him a message not to come back to the house when he’s finished his holiday. Don’t involve your adult children in this it’s not their responsibility deal with it yourself and get some anger! I would say he’s with someone else and testing you to see what you’ll do about it - which is horrible but I get the impression he doesn’t think you’ll do anything and intends to carry on regardless. Sounds like he deserves a divorce petition on his return x

It doesn’t really matter if there is an OW or not. You should not be in a relationship where you are treated like this, and it sounds like it has not been good for a long time but you’ve just not been ready to deal with it. As your house is rented and he earns a lot (so will presumably be able to cover the full rent), can you use this week to move in with family while you look for a place of your own? It sounds like he is trying to end the relationship but is too cowardly to say it. It doesn’t sound like there’s anything left worth fighting for. I’m so sorry OP 💐

Find out all you can about his financial situation and see a solicitor while he's away. Shark mode. Get everything you can. He is planning to deprive you of things you are entitled to - he's kept everything secret and he has (seems to have) a woman on the side, plans are being made and he thinks his life is more pleasant without you. None of that is right or fair, but that's what he's up to. So, arm yourself and silently go to war.

Yes? You think it's ok for her daughter (adult or not) see her dad treat her like this. I look after my kids feelings until the day I die.

Does he only pay £100 a week towards the household?

You. Deserve. Better.

Honestly you have to be your own hero, your own saviour, put yourself on the pedestal you’ve placed this idiot on and get rid of him.

He's an utter waste of space, he’s financially abusive, he’s rude about you to your daughter, sneaking, gaslighting and lying to you and most likely having an affair.

What a creep.

How are you so sure he’s booked flights, yet you don’t know where to?