To be suspicious about DH

[JustMissNobody]

i can’t sleep and been going out of my mind all day wondering what the hell is going on and what to do. DH announced he was taking a week off on Friday out of the blue, he’s self employed. No mention of intentions of doing so prior to this. And then followed this with he thinks he’ll go away for a few days or a week. I was dumbstruck.

firstly because this is so far out of character to just take time off without mentioning anything prior and I’ve asked about us going away so many times just for even a couple of days if he can’t take a week off and he’s consistently told me he can’t because of work, or other commitments. His other commitments have also been miraculously dealt with too. So from telling me on Friday afternoon, he’s booked a holiday leaving Sunday morning for 5 days, and all this as apparently been dealt with with no pre planning.

its so not like him and going away solo? I never dreamed in a million years he’d be someone that could do that, he’s not a very social person, doesn’t go out drinking etc. I asked him if he was going with someone and he totally went off the deep end. He went upstairs about 2.30 this afternoon packing for his trip and he’s been sat in the bedroom ever since and refusing to speak to me. I’m now in the spare room because he’s still got a face on with me and ignoring me. WTAF?

Does he have life insurance? This is all giving me very "disappeared in a kayaking accident" vibes

OW or not, he has checked out of the marriage. He’s also being horrible.

It is way too risky to move out as your name is on the tenancy. You also can’t kick him out, but you can ask him to move out. If not, leave as soon as the tenancy ends - use the break clause if there is one.

Don’t break and enter the car or change locks.

Get as much information about his finances as you can.

See a solicitor ASAP.

Use the grey rock strategy with him when he returns until you have all your ducks in a row.

Yes agree, I too have rental in my name only, with intent as I felt I needed security if things went pear shaped with partner, so yes they have no say or claim on property.

Marriage unfortunately has everything to do with it. I was in an abusive, coercive relationship and I could not get my ex-husband out of any of our rented marital homes. I had to wait until he had an affair and move out to the OW’s house of his own accord. I saw a solicitor who explained the law to me. The police explained the same.The law has not changed. Fortunately in my case he left and even then, when I sold the house he had lived in for a month, with the mortgage in my sole name, deposit borrowed from my family, two years after we were divorced, he told me he could claim half the profits of the sale. I just laughed.

22 years later I haven’t remarried and he lives with his fiancée who owns most of the enquiry in their house. They’ve been engaged for 15 years and I don’t think they’ll get married until he receives an inheritance. I’m not guessing about this, I learned the hard way with a young child involved. The OP needs to get legal advice this week.

Maybe hes knackered because hes been shagging half the night and not working? He knows he doesn't need the money because you pick up the tab so spends his night shagging instead of working.

truly bizarre that you dont know anything about his finance and what he does given you live with him and have been married for so many years.

I think i would need to call time on a relationship if the other person isn't prepared to be open about any part of their life. Doesn't matter if they've been cheating or whatever, its about being open and honest. If you don't have honesty what do you have?

He has been monstering you behind your back, probably for years, she may never see the truth but it's fine for you to simply tell her, factually, the horrible things he's done to you.

Don't make the mistake of trying not to make her feel worse, as he will have no such qualms, and will continue monstering you. Telling the truth is not abusive or unkind.

Please, please, please just get a solicitor involved right now before he gets back. Even if he isn't fucking someone else (and let's face it he almost certainly is) this behaviour alone is enough not to want to stay with him.

He will try to blame you and steal what's legally yours from you. Please don't let him.

Sorry if this has been said, I haven't had time to read the full thread.

He might not be going with somebody. He might have met somebody online who lives overseas and is going to see her in her country.

Can you not get a garage to open the car for you.

I'd definitely have a good chat at some stage about fixing the issues in your marriage and making steps to move forward and improve things. He could have gotten overwhelmed with work, could there be an issue with a family member, is there an event or something happening that'd taken his interest or lastly, could it be indeed an affair. You won't know really until you ask him. Could you give him a bit of space and then ask him could ye have a talk about it. He should be saying something about it before he goes in my opinion

OP, please seek legal advice then you'll know what your options are and can make informed decisions.

I'd also keep my actions hidden from DD. Do you have other children? Speak to them separately, when DD's not around, get their take on things. You could start by telling them you're worried about DH and his strange behaviour, and gauge their reactions.

But please, seek legal advice ASAP.

I wouldn’t book any holidays until after divorce. I know someone who moved out and then moved back in after her husband moved out. He had sold everything - every stick of furniture, the fridge, the freezer, the washing machine. The marital home had been stripped of possessions. He even rehomed the family pets.

I'm not sure if I've missed a response from OP about their other children, and what do they think?
I can't help the feeling that they might be a pretty important part of the picture. They must have noticed what's going on in the marriage and surely

would have had something to say?

How are you, OP? It's a ridiculous question, I know. Please try not to focus on the reason for any of this. You can't second guess why he has done this. Just focus on putting yourself first, recognising you're worth so much more than you're receiving from H. Don't write your DD off. Whilst her actions aren't ideal, she may not be familiar with different forms of manipulation.

With regards to paperwork, most things are online. However, car log books will be something that's paperform. Any idea of where ge may store this of his spare car key, if so, hopefully you'll be able you'll be able to find further information to support you understanding him. It seems you've held up the family, with this in mind take comfort you'll be ok and he will have to learn how to budget, manage households, bills etc . That'll give him a bit of a shock in itself, and one day, he'll maybe recognise your efforts and realise how good he had life.

It was almost a quarter of a century ago and if at least 20 police officers and a family law solicitor gave me the wrong advice, it doesn’t matter to me now. The important thing now is that my small child didn’t have to hear me being verbally abused, see things being smashed by him, see him smack my head against the wall, pull my hair, bend my fingers back, anything that didn’t leave a bruise or cause bleeding that he could have been arrested for, past the age of 2.

There is NO excuse for him to disappear for a week and not tell her where he is going, who with, and why.
It's just common decency after decades of no holidays.

p.s. He's gone

I kept thinking of canoe man too, but his wife was complicit and claimed the life insurance. OP’s husband can’t claim his own life insurance if he’s not meant to be alive. Unless he has another partner and family - no, it’s too far-fetched. Someone in the legal profession or HMRC needs to do the detective work here.

Rid yourself of this man. He's likely planning to get rid of you anyway, he sounds like a horrible horrible man.

Re your DD, you really can't be upset with her or let her hurt you. You put up with absolutely unacceptable behaviour for 30 years. He is horrible to you. Somehow he has manipulated you to think it's ok and you can't expect your DD to suddenly see that when you are only just realising it yourself.

You called? 😊

That's terrible advice. Did you RTFT at all??

Break the car windscreen if you can't find the key or pop a lock; easiest window to replace as they're done all the time. They'll even come to your home to do it!

Break into the car! Just smash the window, look through everything and then send him a photo of his smashed window and tell him he better get someone out to fix it, must have been some naughty kids ;)
Tell him you would but you haven’t got the money since he hasn’t paid you for 2 weeks.

Or couldn't you get someone to come round from some garage to remove the window, tell DH you thought you saw a live squirrel or something in there and wanted to rescue it?

Dead rat would be more believable 🙈

As I typed it, i was thinking hm maybe not. The person from the garage might require owner's consent..

So much for you to process or even try to but I wanted to share two thoughts with you. They are both around the way he has behaved towards you since booking the holiday.
First of all the moves he has made are not only selfish, shocking, all the responses you've had from us here, and yourself most importantly-they are a very cruel form of pychological abuse to belittle you and exert power & control over you. I say this from my own experiences and the subsequent search for understanding in the aftermath of the break up when I finally realised I couldn't take any more.

There's some information about coersive control here https://medium.com/@StepfordMum/coercive-control-how-to-spot-it-and-how-to-stop-it-f61689c10cfa

Abusers take away your power when they are secretive, disappear and dismiss your feelings as if they are simply not important. They leave you feeling bewildered and unsure, angry and powerless.
If you are able to, have a look at some of the writing around power and entitlement. An excerpt from Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft may be something that resonates with your feelings. I haven't read the full book but thought this was really relevant for what I wanted to share with you.

This is the excerpt.