To be suspicious about DH

[JustMissNobody]

i can’t sleep and been going out of my mind all day wondering what the hell is going on and what to do. DH announced he was taking a week off on Friday out of the blue, he’s self employed. No mention of intentions of doing so prior to this. And then followed this with he thinks he’ll go away for a few days or a week. I was dumbstruck.

firstly because this is so far out of character to just take time off without mentioning anything prior and I’ve asked about us going away so many times just for even a couple of days if he can’t take a week off and he’s consistently told me he can’t because of work, or other commitments. His other commitments have also been miraculously dealt with too. So from telling me on Friday afternoon, he’s booked a holiday leaving Sunday morning for 5 days, and all this as apparently been dealt with with no pre planning.

its so not like him and going away solo? I never dreamed in a million years he’d be someone that could do that, he’s not a very social person, doesn’t go out drinking etc. I asked him if he was going with someone and he totally went off the deep end. He went upstairs about 2.30 this afternoon packing for his trip and he’s been sat in the bedroom ever since and refusing to speak to me. I’m now in the spare room because he’s still got a face on with me and ignoring me. WTAF?

This, actually.
She's not a child. She's a grown up. And she's defending his behaviour. Probably for financial gain for herself down the line.

Tell her she can stay with dear old dad and help him find a new place for them to live.

This, a100% this.
my friend did this and found out her (soon to be ex) husband was a millionaire mostly in pension contributions- shares and hidden savings whilst they had been living a quite thrifty life. She had no idea, but was pleased to get half of it in the divorce.

Message a friend about booking a holiday right now. Don't live with regrets of not travelling because someone else didn't want to. See how he likes it when you suddenly say you're going away.
Now that's you taken care of, I have no idea what your husband's doing. If he's not talking to you there's not much you can do. I think you're just going to have to let this play out. I'd start asking friends and family members that you trust if they've noticed any unusual behaviour.
Could it be a mid-life crisis?

Just reading through the posts and agreeing about the financials. In the interim I would choose a new bedroom, set it up as your own and live independently while you are in the same house. If he wants independence, then this must include everthing - washing, cooking, etc. Have a lovely room to call your own, furnish it how you want, keep it how you want and don't let anyone else in.

When he finally returns home, greet him with indifference. He will get more out of you being hurt and annoyed than anything else so don't give him the satisfaction. Scream and cry when he cannot see or hear it. Don't give him any reason to think you give one. Honestly, this will hurt him more. Keep your dignity at all costs.

Your daughter is not being kind by taking sides - I would be very hurt about that more than a husband I think. Take care of yourself and please don't be used as a doormat. What he has done is hurtful and disrespectful - and he doesn't give a shit that he has done it. Take care x

Can I ask how what tone/how your daughter told you about your husbands comment about ‘it’s better without her here isn’t it?’
Did she say it in a ‘isn’t dad a nasty twat’ way or ‘isn’t dad hilarious’ way?

Because if she told you because she thought it was a nasty comment that you needed to know about and wanted to give you the heads up then she has really changed her tune, and I’d wonder why she’s done such a 180.
It’s very odd indeed.

If there is an ow he won't want the daughter with him.

It's surprising how men can infantalise their daughters to get them on side, but when another woman enters the scene they often switch and spout how they need to grow up.

Men can be inconsistant with loyalty.

All this, OP.

Imagine a friend telling you all this, what advice would you give if her husband had a very secretive self employed business that meant you couldn't even look in his car, that his phone was guarded like the crown jewels, and who worked late a lot for no reason.

Then she tells you this husband has booked a holiday for himself, not even invited her, will barely tell her where he's going.

You'd been telling her to get the hell out of such a cruel and untrustworthy relationship.

As for your daughter, I'm sorry but she sounds quite unpleasant and has a big shock coming to her about her dear daddy.

I wouldn't ask for any more explanations, the damage has been done with cruel disrespect.. Hand in notice on your property, get yourself a nice small house or flat, and let the other two enjoy laughing and mocking you whilst you start a new chapter of your life ( I expect your daughter will be back with a grovelling apology at some point down the line)

As you seem to know nothing about his finances you must get a forensic accountant. That is a priority to see how much money he has, where it is etc. Do not let him know you are doing this. That can be his surprise along with a request for a divorce. He has kept so much from you, now it's your turn to show him anything he can do, you can do better.

Good luck to you. You have had great support on here, long may it continue.
Please do not listen to any pleading from your daughter. She has clearly shown she is on her Dad's side.

My exH used to keep everything in his car. His boot had spare clothes, his sports stuff, work paperwork and who knows what else. He was not really hiding it but it was "his stuff" and I was not supposed to have touched it.
I think you really, really need to get into his car. He has so little regard for you he would never think you could do something so audacious as breaking into it, and possible has some stuff there you might find useful.

Probs wear gloves just in case. )))

Take BACK THE POWER!

Breaking the window may not give the OP access to the boot?

@JustMissNobody I'm sorry, this is a shitty situation to be in.

How long is left on your tenancy? If it's just the three of you left can you give notice on the house and look for something smaller for yourself on a 12 month let [and possibly DD though if she is working age, I think I'd be serving her notice too given her level of support] .

I think I'd be ransacking the house to see if I could find a spare key but it's possible that the boot is full of tools?

My focus would be using the time available to make sure I know exactly what I'd have to give up from my assets but to be clear, the same in the other direction. If you can afford a clean break divorce and he keeps his pension and earnings then getting out quickly night be the better option for your own mental health.

@JustMissNobody - I agree with PP there has to be something in his car. If you can't find a spare, contact a locksmith and they can get you a spare key (might need programming to car) I think it depends on what kind of car you have, but I have had to do this at work. I wouldn't smash the window. 1.Cos there's no need (spare key)2. You need to be one step ahead of him. Get in the car and take photos of anything you find.

Op so sorry your having this to deal with, it's your rental so he should move out , out of respect for you and take daughter with him,
Can you book into a travel lodge on firday till Monday tell daughter your going away, take suitcase and passport by the way, go early Friday so when he comes home your not there , he will be expecting trouble when he arrives back, your silence is golden, daughter will be intouch with him , so keep any conversations with daughter about situation to a min, let her think your going away don't say how long for, turn up Monday, just wonder what they're response will be, guessing you'll get calls Friday night demanding were you are, after all h has had his week away, no contact, no questions, god forbid your not at home preparing his meal and warming his slippers for him with washing ready to wash his holiday clothes, treat yourself to some space while letting them wonder what your up too,

If I couldn’t find the spare key, I’d smash a window and claim there was a spate of car thefts in the area when he was away. If the alarm goes off pull some wires out

@AngelusBell Of course she can make him leave if the rented house is in her name!! Marriage has nothing to do with it

Ask him if he'd accept you suddenly downing tools and buggering off abroad, to a mystery location and refused to give a reason or explanation?
If he won't tell me everything now the locks will be changed and divorce proceedings actioned .

Perhaps a few silly questions/thoughts, but -

• does he tend to use the same username for things? (E.g. for gaming or social media etc) It could be worth googling it to see if you get any extra, unexpected, results. Even googling his name could potentially give you extra information.

• this thread has focused a lot on your daughter that lives at home but it sounds like you have other children as well. Have you spoken to them about it at all?

• sometimes it's possible to check what websites have been visited by any device connected to your WiFi. This can be complicated further by router settings, VPNs and private browsing windows, but it may be worth googling and seeing if that's something you can do, whilst you might not get a lot of information, it may give you a small indication. I googled "can you check what has been accessed on one wifi network" and various guides came up. Obviously this is complicated by your daughter living in the house as her access would show up as well.

@HauntedbyMagpies As far as the law is concerned, marriage has everything to do with it. Even as a rental, it's considered his marital home and the OP would need to get a possession order to kick him out.

Yep, I think you’ll find clues in the car. I reckon he’ll have put private stuff in there and hidden the keys. Take sellotape and check the passenger head rest for hairs.

I agree about use of a forensic accountant as well as lawyer, This sounds exactly the situation for it.

Honestly OP, the more you say about your DH the more I'm seeing that he sees & treats you like a girlfriend not a wife (a fair weather girlfriend at that). I'm glad you've already decided to leave him as this is certainly not how a marriage works. I'm very confused as to why he got married at all, to be honest....

This

Daughter is worse traitor than husband. I would be feeling ganged up upon.

There must be a second car key somewhere … if he keeps it at another location there is something very wrong. Let the air out of a tire in case he decides to get his car in the night.

Don’t confide in daughter, she can’t be trusted. And must be on his payroll.

No. You cannot force someone out of a marital home. This is terrible advice.

www.familylawpartners.co.uk/blog/can-change-locks-divorce#:~:text=You%20should%20not%20change%20the%20locks%20without%20the%20consent%20of,also%20need%20the%20landlord's%20consent.

@AngelusBell If the property was rented then the police gave incorrect advice. If the property was only in your name then it being the 'marital home' is irrelevant from a legal perspective as you being married doesn't give him rights to the tenancy unless he's named ON the tenancy