To be suspicious about DH

[JustMissNobody]

i can’t sleep and been going out of my mind all day wondering what the hell is going on and what to do. DH announced he was taking a week off on Friday out of the blue, he’s self employed. No mention of intentions of doing so prior to this. And then followed this with he thinks he’ll go away for a few days or a week. I was dumbstruck.

firstly because this is so far out of character to just take time off without mentioning anything prior and I’ve asked about us going away so many times just for even a couple of days if he can’t take a week off and he’s consistently told me he can’t because of work, or other commitments. His other commitments have also been miraculously dealt with too. So from telling me on Friday afternoon, he’s booked a holiday leaving Sunday morning for 5 days, and all this as apparently been dealt with with no pre planning.

its so not like him and going away solo? I never dreamed in a million years he’d be someone that could do that, he’s not a very social person, doesn’t go out drinking etc. I asked him if he was going with someone and he totally went off the deep end. He went upstairs about 2.30 this afternoon packing for his trip and he’s been sat in the bedroom ever since and refusing to speak to me. I’m now in the spare room because he’s still got a face on with me and ignoring me. WTAF?

I think the solicitor is the way to go rather than breaking in, however, I'd be on YouTube finding out about the make and model of his car and how to get inside without damage ...

@JustMissNobody I've been married a long time too OP and many years ago I made sure that I was on all the business accounts- in fact our main one is only in my name. We also rent ( nice houses) so I understand that aspect too- we had a similar situation to yourselves. I found out stuff about my H 8 years ago regarding a certain amount of disloyalty and although not an affair as such- it was stuff that totally blindsided me. I found out 10 years after it was going on- if I had found out at the time I would be doing as you are and ending it- you never feel the same and in your case sounds like you were not 100% in even before all this.

Out of interest has he gone somewhere you would think if as holiday' or somewhere you would think of as more 'business' - if he's gone to Spain for instance I think it unlikely it's to open dodgy bank accounts - if it's somewhere like Malta, Switzerland, gibralter - I would maybe be thinking something more like that. To be honest though I don't think it matters if there is another woman because he's completely lost your trust anyway and obviously doesn't care.

Whilst I agree that common sense and evidence suggest an OW, it sounds like he's probably framed it as a sort of 'Shirley Valentine' situation to DD - him needing to spread his wings and 'find himself'. It seems unlikely (I would have thought) that she'd be perfectly OK with her dad swanning off with another woman, so maybe she's got just as much of a shock coming if it is that, and he's lying to all of you.

How very interesting, and by that I mean suspicious.

Google how to off yourself at Dignitas, it’s not easy.

Been watching this one unfold. Have not contributed until now...

Maybe we should all calm down with the Dignitas, opening tax haven bank accounts, changing locks and breaking into cars?

Just work with the information you do have and sit for a few days with the decision to divorce. Speak to one/a few solicitors, agree some scenarios. Go from there.

Call roadside assistance ie the person who gets you in to your car when you accidentally lock the keys in. Open his car and have a good look around.

See a solicitor who deals with divorce and get a forensic accountant. You will be surprised at what they can uncover.

exactly. Unless he's won the lotto or has had a serious windfall I doubt the offshore bank thing would be coming into play.

On the dignitas I don't think that either especially given his comments to DD that its better when the OP is not home etc

Get legal opinion, be prepared and strong!

@sleepworkmum

Maybe we should all calm down with the Dignitas, opening tax haven bank accounts, changing locks and breaking into cars?

It will calm down tonight when the soaps are back on TV.

Any MN thread like this goes crazy because it's nothing more than a source of entertainment for many who frequent the site.

This is what I was coming on to say - call the AA and say you have lost your keys and your husband is away with the other set!

“whatever is going on, OW or not, it’s evident that he can make changes and arrangements needed when it suits HIM but I’m clearly not important. So not only does he not love me, he doesn’t like me either. There is nothing left of me to give to this relationship now. He’s clearly shown me my worth”

please, please be clear, he has clearly shown you his worth - you have been a loyal wife and mother, he has chosen to behave badly, that’s on him, not you. Your future is bright , he has done you a favour. Get yourself legal advice and take it from there. Don’t engage with your daughter on the subject anymore, she’s as likely as much a victim of this as you are so best avoid the topic

If you can apply for divorce online then do that! Let him come home to you off at the spa with divorce papers left on the bed. What a twat.

https://recovery-equipment.co.uk/product/lockout-kit/

Hmmm all of this sounds suspicious. Don't know oe if anyone has raised this before, but could he be dealing / or else involved with drugs? The secrecy around the car and business is very suspicious.

I am so sorry you are going through this, having been through similar with my first husband. they always think they are clever by deleting messages but a good look through his ipad will find you all the information you need. all you need though is the passcode. Or someone who knows how to jailbreak them. Now, based on pure experience, cover yourself now, have a backup bank account to put money in, definitely gain access to the vehicle as that is where my ex-husband hid everything and boy was he hiding some very incriminating things. if you believe he may be up to no good, follow that gut feeling, its rarely wrong. sending you lots of love and support from one woman to another xxx

Sorry you are going through this OP. It is truly awful. You are having a lot of good advice.
Personally, I would give notice on the rental immediately. I would engage a forensic accountant. I would see a decent solicitor ASAP.
Good luck, you will get through this. Being rid of him at the end of it will be blissful. 💐

Perhaps already stated - all his important paperwork and other secret stuff is in his car - that's why there is not trace in the house.

I don't think he's got any money. Probably only ever worked enough to earn a £100 a week. Rest of the time was having an affair.
OP is there anyone you can stay with?
Give notice on the rental.
Tell your daughter to go live with her dad - what a loser - she's a grown up, not a kid and betraying her mum like this.

This comment alone makes me want to break into the car and have a snoop

Youngest DD still lives at home. She’s hurt me so much this morning by doubling down on her support for DH. Thinks I’ve acted like a crazy woman accusing him of going away with OW and it’s no wonder he’s got defensive?? She also doesn’t think it’s strange or out of order not to inform me of his flight details / holiday plans or just book it within 24 hours.

This is so bad. I'd be really hurt. I hope you get away from the arsehole. Perhaps your daughter will wise up. But look after yourself.

Damn.
I thought I’d quoted.

OP, what you said he says about using his car. Being full of stuff. I’d want to get in the car to see why he’s not keen on clearing it out to use it

To the poster who said something about people being on here as a source of entertainment. You are wrong, my experience is that the majority of people who contribute genuinely feel for women in situations like this, and many offer very valid and useful advice as well as support. Often a lot of what other women go through resonates, and people who've had similar experience can really help by sharing. Also, if more 26 yr old women read these posts, they would learn a lot and probably not turn in to women who condone thus sort of misogyny and cruel behaviour from men.

Depending on make/model/age of the car, you can sometimes bypass the locking system by pushing air into it. You just have to make a small hole in a tennis ball, fit it around the door lock and press the ball hard. Might work, might not, won't do any damage, though you won't be able to relock the car afterwards without the key.

Just saying.

Give notice on the rental. Tell your daughter to go live with her dad - what a loser - she's a grown up, not a kid

I would do this, tbh. Enough disrespect from the pair of them in your home.