To be suspicious about DH

[JustMissNobody]

i can’t sleep and been going out of my mind all day wondering what the hell is going on and what to do. DH announced he was taking a week off on Friday out of the blue, he’s self employed. No mention of intentions of doing so prior to this. And then followed this with he thinks he’ll go away for a few days or a week. I was dumbstruck.

firstly because this is so far out of character to just take time off without mentioning anything prior and I’ve asked about us going away so many times just for even a couple of days if he can’t take a week off and he’s consistently told me he can’t because of work, or other commitments. His other commitments have also been miraculously dealt with too. So from telling me on Friday afternoon, he’s booked a holiday leaving Sunday morning for 5 days, and all this as apparently been dealt with with no pre planning.

its so not like him and going away solo? I never dreamed in a million years he’d be someone that could do that, he’s not a very social person, doesn’t go out drinking etc. I asked him if he was going with someone and he totally went off the deep end. He went upstairs about 2.30 this afternoon packing for his trip and he’s been sat in the bedroom ever since and refusing to speak to me. I’m now in the spare room because he’s still got a face on with me and ignoring me. WTAF?

If you got an inheritance and haven’t spent it on family things your solicitor may be able to protect it in a divorce. That would be great.

But what if you need to move it?

I'm so sorry for you! I haven't read the whole thread, but if he is just self-employed and not a limited company it will give you more information in a divorce. Limited companies can 'hide' accounts and finances very easily, but it's harder with self-employment. Good luck OP.

Dignitas is not just for physical ailments. Mental too.
Maybe he secretly visited on a day trip once he had passport.
https://nypost.com/2024/04/02/world-news/28-year-old-woman-decides-to-be-euthanized-due-to-mental-health-issues/

I’m self employed and do everything on Government Gateway on my phone.

Is he generous to your DC, OP? I'm really surprised they are not cross and disappointed with him.
With regards to the 'no paper work' does he do all his trading on 'Quick Books' etc and just takes photos? Presumably his paper work could be in his car. Are you allowed in his car, or is that off limits? Is his iPhone up-to-date and he's actually tech savvy and you just haven't noticed? Your DC would know surely how tech savvy he is. If he was discussing holiday destinations, I suspect your DC might have more of an inkling into what's going on than they are letting on...

Sorry you are going through this op, it must be heart breaking. I haven't read through all the responses so apologies if this has already been said but, if you rent and it's in your name only, surely you can either end the tenancy or move out until the tenancy ends and then let him sort out somewhere else to live. Meanwhile you could rent or buy elsewhere and liberate yourself from him. As for your daughter, I'm baffled that a 26 yr old woman would consider this behaviour acceptable. Would she allow a man to treat her like this? I wonder if maybe she knows more than she is letting on. Do you have other adult children and if so, how do they feel about what he's done?

Never underestimate how tech savvy men are, I have learned this the hard way several times and also caught out the ones who didn’t bother to delete their search history.

Holidays away together have been something I’ve wanted us to do together since the DC’s have grown up and we’ve been more financially secure. It was something we couldn’t afford as a family with children on low incomes at the time and made do with day trips.
H never wanted to go away other than a night away or a weekend in the UK somewhere. He always said he wasn’t keen on flying, he’d only ever done it once when he was about 18. He’s afraid of water. We had work and other commitments which he always seemed to be unable to change or workaround whenever a suggestion of a holiday was made. (Which have been many times over the past 2 yrs)
i even had tickets booked for us for an event on Sunday which he knew about but had obviously forgotten or didn’t care.
whatever is going on, OW or not, it’s evident that he can make changes and arrangements needed when it suits HIM but I’m clearly not important. So not only does he not love me, he doesn’t like me either. There is nothing left of me to give to this relationship now. He’s clearly shown me my worth.

Abusive people also manipulate those around them, usually against the abused partner, ive seen it many times in my line of work. The abusers love bomb, as you will, whether thats their children or family, usually over an extended time. They brainwash people so the abuser is believed and not the abused.

I had this OP. Apart from this incident, he shows no interest anyway. Possibly takes you for granted but no excuse for this behaviour. My ex of 25 year rarely did anything with me, never planned a thing..acted docile, but soon perked up and planned if he was going out with his mate. I raised this and theyll always have an excuse. There arent any. Hes checked out but is too cowardly to end it as he wants best of both worlds.

One could even say that it sounds like a Harlan Coben story or one of those DCI Copper McCopperson book series on Amazon. Imagine that.

It’s not blocking access for me but he wouldn’t have considered any of that. I’ve only been in the car a couple of times. He always says it’s full of stuff and there’s no room, we’ll use yours if we’re going anywhere.

Another red flag.. that car needs to be searched

Yes, if the car is off limits - all the answers are hidden in there ...

hopefully you can manage to see a solicitor whilst he is away and get legal opinion on what your best moves are. They will probably say to ask him for his financial documents - I wouldn't even bother I would instruct the lawyer to compel him to provide them. More importantly I would want to know what my rights are regarding my living arrangement and how to ensure I achieve the best possible outcome for myself while enduring the least possible stressful situations.

Financial disclosure is the process of exchanging information about each party’s assets, liabilities and income. This is most commonly done by each party completing a lengthy form called the Form E, in which they set out all the relevant information in respect of any assets, liabilities and income in their sole or joint names. The information must be supported by documents which evidence the figures listed in the form, for example, recent mortgage statements, pension valuations and bank statements.
In the event that court proceedings are issued, the court will require both parties to complete a Form E. Even if both parties are trying to reach an agreement outside of court, they often agree to set out their financial disclosure in the Form E on a voluntary basis, as while it may seem onerous, it is the most comprehensive way of ascertaining the overall financial picture. A shorter disclosure process can be undertaken, however, this is generally not advisable as without exchanging full and frank financial disclosure, you cannot be certain of your ex-partner’s financial position.

It's possible he's taken the car keys so that you can't look through the car, but also to make it easier for him to arrive back on Friday and pick up the car and leave without needing to come into the house.

Maybe it's occured to him that you might think about changing the locks while he is away?

I have said this a couple of times. Get a locksmith.

But he’s flown on this holiday? He must be going with someone else on the flight—someone who’s scared of flying and hasn’t flown for 30-40 years would NOT fly solo!

He’s afraid of water? Is he going somewhere with a pool? The sea?

why waste money… break the glass and say it was broken into.🤷‍♀️he is going to know OP has looked inside anyway

And he clearly doesn't think you will break into his car...

Yup... Wouldn't it be a shame if your doorbell camera stopped working, just at the same time as someone came onto your property and broke into his car...

Probably cheaper for him to replace a broken window on his car insurance that to get a locksmith out...

If he's really worried about it, you contacting him to say his car's been broken into will likely get a response.

I'm afraid so. It's likely a combination of denial and guilt on his part.😏

I'd see the solicitor before trying to get into the car if you can't access it without external intervention (locksmith etc)

It doesn't really matter what is in there now OP has made her mind up She won't be treated like this any longer.

Get the solicitor to put the pressure on and do all the digging.

Maybe get some therapy lined up for support to get you through this even if you need to go to GP and get on a waitlist

I said about finding the spare car keys but now I think just smash the window.