To be suspicious about DH

[JustMissNobody]

i can’t sleep and been going out of my mind all day wondering what the hell is going on and what to do. DH announced he was taking a week off on Friday out of the blue, he’s self employed. No mention of intentions of doing so prior to this. And then followed this with he thinks he’ll go away for a few days or a week. I was dumbstruck.

firstly because this is so far out of character to just take time off without mentioning anything prior and I’ve asked about us going away so many times just for even a couple of days if he can’t take a week off and he’s consistently told me he can’t because of work, or other commitments. His other commitments have also been miraculously dealt with too. So from telling me on Friday afternoon, he’s booked a holiday leaving Sunday morning for 5 days, and all this as apparently been dealt with with no pre planning.

its so not like him and going away solo? I never dreamed in a million years he’d be someone that could do that, he’s not a very social person, doesn’t go out drinking etc. I asked him if he was going with someone and he totally went off the deep end. He went upstairs about 2.30 this afternoon packing for his trip and he’s been sat in the bedroom ever since and refusing to speak to me. I’m now in the spare room because he’s still got a face on with me and ignoring me. WTAF?

YOu keep saying he works long hours. How do you know he's working? how do you know he's not off shagging someone instead of working late?

Does he do the type of work that he needs to work late?

Actually they do. Husband is a Police Officer and gets involved with them at times. Also they book private planes if too infirm to go via a commercial plane.

I know he does all his orders online, I have seen the odd delivery paperwork when he’s been checking through it but I wouldn’t be able to make sense of it tbh. He doesn’t leave it about and I’ve never noticed any prices on the delivery paperwork so wouldn’t know any costs of anything anyway. I’ve never seen any other paperwork. He does everything else on his iPad as far as I’m aware. Accounts are all done online.

I don't think the not getting much post thing is weird, actually. I do everything online and hardly get any post - and I've got nothing to hide! I think it's just the way of things these days, and it would make it much harder to find out what people are up to than simply opening a bank statement etc.

I don’t, that’s why I’ve been suspicious of OW. I could work late, but if he’s as knackered as he makes out why would you when you don’t have to? I earn good money. As far as I e always been concerned it’s always been family money not what’s mine is mine. He seems to have decided that.

He will probably back up his ipad to a computer. Which will have files somewhere in there.

Saying that you don't bring things up because it's not worth the hassle - I really relate to that - I do that too with my H. It's 'walking on eggshells' - it's no way to live. I agree with PP that your daughter is not trying to betray you - but if she's grown up in a dynamic where he holds all the power - she will be affected by that and act accordingly.

The fact is though you sound strong, head screwed on - he has shown his true colours and you have a way out. Don't let him dictate how this goes. Get legal support. And start planning.

it is NOT normal or acceptable to leave you for a week with no explanation. Nor is it normal to not 'allow' family holidays. And giving you £100 a week - what a joke.

You do not need him. He doesn't get to do with the hell he likes, pay hardly anything to the house, and then go on mysterious trips with whoever he fancies - and then come back to you. Fuck him. Don't be walked all over.

I have a very suspicious mind at times, I probably watch too much crime drama so with that in mind...
@JustMissNobody since you know where he is going, is it possible that he is gone to open an overseas bank account? To hide some assets before he possibly asks for a divorce? It kind of sounds like things are approaching a breaking point with him upping and going on holidays without you. Like I said, that is just my suspicious mind and will depend on where he's gone to.
I'd advise seeking out some legal advice right now while he's away even if you don't intend to act on it to find out what your rights are around money, how it is likely to pan out with division of assets etc. Knowing how that might work will help you to see things more clearly before you make any decisions.
I'm sorry you are going through this, it does sound like two against one in your house at times with DH & DD versus you. I hope it's not like that all of the time.

I just cannot get my head around never ever going on family holidays, then one partner announces that they’ve booked a holiday for themselves, refusing to take family members/partner, refusing to tell the partner where they’re off to, leaving for the airport without saying goodbye, and taking the car keys with them so that nobody can use/move the car whilst they’re away. Make it make sense.

Has he taken a weeks worth of clothing or more? I can't help wondering if he is going to vanish. Sorry you are going through this op

The OP has been married for years to this guy and has never seen any info re his business. I appreciate a lot of things are done online (mine is), but there is at least some kind of paperwork somewhere. What about any receipts for purchases etc. Nah, something really off about this.

I'm really sorry your going through this but I've read all your replies about how his notifications turned off he has his phone 24/7 noone can touch it bank statements ect are no we're to be seen it's not looking good. If I was in this situation I'd assume an affair is going on. Have you noticed him taking extra care of his self just lately? After shave hair cuts clean shaven baths more regularly does he come in and shower straight away ect ect x

Him being a self-employed tradesman, you won't have a cat in hell's chance of proving his earnings.

Sounds like he's been hiding money from you for a very long time.

Just can't get my head round it either. The weirdest of situations.

If OP’s husband has been defrauding HMRC it’s likely he will get a custodial sentence and his assets will be seized. There could be no OW and he’s not paid his taxes. If he’s not paid OP the £100 for the last two weeks then he’s likely not paid his employees either. I’d go to his workplace and see if there’s anyone actually working there.

I had the same thought myself. I will be mentioning that to my solicitor x

You're not being OTT on the slightest! Is it a typical man way of making you leave him so he doesn't have to do it?

If they are going abroad to take their own life they will often buy a return ticket so no one raises the alarm, a one way ticket would be too obvious and if they aren’t planning to return alive the cost of a return ticket won’t bother them.

Sorry for any confusion, I do have my own car, he’s only took the keys to his own.

I would give notice as well. In the meantime he does have a legal right to live there unless the LL says no.

OP, you sound so kind. Please keep us updated. We are team JustMissNobody all the way.

Even if no OW it sounds as if you have decided you're done. Get the very best legal advice and do not share with anyone.

Just wanted to say good luck, the pain now is only momentary. Your DD may struggle more, but don't react to her, you love her and will want a relationship ❤️

I have no idea what he’s taken 🤷‍♀️

Exactly that, thank you.

I still find it hard to understand how a man (who must be nearly 60) and unemployed until recently could set up a slick online, paper free business and hides everything from you like that.

Did you not help him when he was setting up the business recently? How did he do all that himself. Do you know what he is actually doing or selling?

I think he has been doing something dodgy and has run away.

The very best of luck with the solicitor.

I’m pretty sure the OP would have noticed if he was ill enough to meet the criteria for Dignitas and he would have had to visit Switzerland previously before going there to make his final exit.