To be suspicious about DH

[JustMissNobody]

i can’t sleep and been going out of my mind all day wondering what the hell is going on and what to do. DH announced he was taking a week off on Friday out of the blue, he’s self employed. No mention of intentions of doing so prior to this. And then followed this with he thinks he’ll go away for a few days or a week. I was dumbstruck.

firstly because this is so far out of character to just take time off without mentioning anything prior and I’ve asked about us going away so many times just for even a couple of days if he can’t take a week off and he’s consistently told me he can’t because of work, or other commitments. His other commitments have also been miraculously dealt with too. So from telling me on Friday afternoon, he’s booked a holiday leaving Sunday morning for 5 days, and all this as apparently been dealt with with no pre planning.

its so not like him and going away solo? I never dreamed in a million years he’d be someone that could do that, he’s not a very social person, doesn’t go out drinking etc. I asked him if he was going with someone and he totally went off the deep end. He went upstairs about 2.30 this afternoon packing for his trip and he’s been sat in the bedroom ever since and refusing to speak to me. I’m now in the spare room because he’s still got a face on with me and ignoring me. WTAF?

Then once you’ve decided what you want, try to have a talk with him when he gets back about what’s been going on with him. Is it a mid-life crisis? Is he feeling somehow deprived of something in his marriage or his life? And tell him how you feel and what you want. Try not to be reactive - try to listen so you can get information and make sense of the situation.

I think that may work in some situations like it did for you maybe but in this instance he has been abusive to her for the whole 34 years of their marriage it seems.

The secrecy, the lack of financial transparency, and lack of financial contribution to the household , the badmouthing her to their children, neglecting her needs and desires etc. so at this point it doesn’t matter what he feels he's deprived of, (and abusers often think their victims) he has treated her so poorly.

Realistically there’s nothing to suggest he’d be open to having a heart to heart anyway. She tried to talk to him before he went away and he just got angry and nasty.

I think that ship has sailed here unfortunately and OP needs to focus on continuing with her plans to leave rather than get sucked into listening to him play the blame game and likely DARVO.

I'm so sorry to hear what you are having to face.
Irrespective of what your husband is currently doing, it would be wise to arrange an urgent appointment with a solicitor- especially while he is away.
Secondly, have a look at your tenancy agreement.
It might be worth having a look at your finances now - while your OH is away and getting your ducks in a row.
Just prepare yourself for all eventualities @JustMissNobody.
You need to assert your legal and financial position and prepare yourself while you have this window of opportunity. Can you take some sick leave?
My thoughts are with you and am sending hugs 💐

So sorry you’re in this position. After over 30 years of marriage!

Clearly a man who’s unable to talk openly and who appears to view his wife as an enemy, whether there’s an OW or not.

It appears your DD knows why he wants a holiday, has helped him choose it and knows where he’s going. Do you think she’s encouraged it? Could she have helped him book it too? She seems very invested. How’s her relationship with you? Does she think you’ve been unreasonable to him in some way?

Whatever the reason, it’s a unhealthy dynamic for your daughter to be acting as her father’s confidant and ‘ally’ when he’s behaving so badly to you. He shouldn’t put her in that position. Have you asked her how she’s feeling about the atmosphere at home? What do your other DCs think about things generally and in particular his secret holiday?

It seems you don’t have any meaningful relationship with your DH. It comes across that the marriage has ended, neither of you wants to save it, but neither of you has taken steps to move on. It’s now time for you to start the life you want with your own home and holidays. You can do it!

One thing that popped into my head is.. could he be seriously sick and heading to Dignitas? Can't tell you because it would mean you would be on hook for assisting to end his life.
Probably way off, do you at least know the destination country?

The daughter on the other hand…..

She might have helped him with booking things without knowing reason for trip? If he is controlling it would be easy to manipulate her.
Might not be so easy to manipulate OP.

I think your DH is having an affair.

The reason he is treating you so badly is because he is justifying it in his mind, to keep the guilt at bay.

So, you are the bad guy, you are difficult, it’s none of your business, he needs to think of himself and he’ll do what he likes. He’s dehumanised you, made you lesser, so he can treat you like this.

From what I’ve learned in my own, and other women’s marital dilemmas, is that pleading, reasoning and being upset doesn’t work. In fact it only feeds their ego. I’m not saying these feelings aren’t valid, just that I don’t think they work.

What you need to do right now, is save yourself, because you can’t save this marriage, only he can, and he might not.

You need to get as much info on his business, any savings and assets he has as you can. Search the house. Even if you can’t find anything, you can make a list of; he’s got a private pension, he works this many hours, this is his hourly rate. Work things out.

When does your rental end, or can you give notice?

Call round solicitors to get 30 mins free. Make an appointment with a good one.

When he gets back, just don’t speak to him. Move out to another room, or move his stuff out. Start making plans on your own. Don’t do anything for him when he gets back. Present him with an invoice for 1/2 all the bills. Keep a diary, go over old bills and see what you’ve paid versus what he pays, there may be financial abuse here. Let him do his own cleaning, washing, cooking etc .

You, join a gym, go out with your friends, get your hair done. Show him that when he is not around, you thrive. Show him that as a man, he is a weight round your neck, and once liberated you are like a free bird. Move all your money so he can’t get to it.

Don’t tell your DD anything else. She’ll come to regret siding with a selfish arsehole.

Let the OW have him. He’s a dud pup, a booby prize. He doesn’t contribute money to the household, he’s no spring chicken, you’ve had the best years of his life, let her wash his underpants and hear him fart and snore. Even your DD will hate him when she finds out he’s a cheater and a liar, as will your other DC.

A lot of women are really scared when their marriages break down, but then 6 months later wake up one morning feeling 10 stone lighter having offloaded and arsehole. They are poorer, but happier and liberated.

OP is unlikely to find anything. I posted yesterday advising she prepare to be blindsided further in the coming days.
The shitty husband is way ahead of her and has already done all his preparations, concealments etc. Unlike OP, he knows exactly what he’s doing and has been doing it for a long time.
It’s 9am, make the call to arrange legal advice and don’t waste time on fruitless tasks.

Re self employment…sole traders have a fairly simple time of it. I know because I am one. The pay off is that you’re personally fully liable if things go pear shaped, you can’t fold in the same way a limited company does. Sole traders don’t (can’t) register with companies house. You get a UTR from HMRC and self assess, that’s it. You don’t even need a business bank account and, in some instances, can do simplified expenses. It’s very easy to keep all your records paper free because even most banks now let you take a photo of receipt against transaction, and classify transactions. Which makes it very easy to conceal it all from your wife of 34 years when you’re about to grossly shaft her.

Lawyer and forensic accountant is the only course of action now.

And as others have said, the mental strength OP is demonstrating is her greatest gift right now. As will be the lawyer & FA.

Most people headed for voluntary euthanasia don't book a return ticket. They go in the cargo hold.

I’m sorry but it sounds like he’s checked out.
I mean, someone could say those things in jest but your husband sounds like he’s already gone from your marriage.

Exactly this. I work at womens aid, yes OP husband has legal right to stay at property even if OP is only on tenancy as they are cohabitatiing as married couple..however if OP rings us at WA to document the abuse, financial, emotional etc...we document that as a case number..OP can call police then, state DA and OP husband will be out on his ear with no cohabitating rights. But ..get financials in order first, try to find his financials. As the daughter is his flying monkey, get your passport, your bank details, his details on anything financial in one place no one will look. GL OP...also it is abuse so give us a ring at WA...your contact with us will help in a court /divorce. Theoretically you can change the locks before he gets back if you report the abuse to WA, landlord (ask if you can change locks oc). The issue is the daughter, she will probably get him a copy but, if abuse is documented to police and WA , he will be required to leave.

I’m wondering if he has his mail delivered to a different location, how do P.O. Boxes work? He must get mail from HMRC and other official agencies surely?

I have a feeling that @SeeTheWorldAnotherWay will be right.

With the 'D'D at work, OP can search the car/house/computer/whatever and she'll probably start uncovering some pretty damning evidence of an affair that likely started (over) a year ago (getting the passport) and when he comes back from his little break away, he'll be re-writing the history of the last 34 years claiming OP is an awful person to live with and he deserves to find happiness blah blah...it's the script all over again. When you said to him that all of this was so out of character and that you seemed to be going OTT about it (you're absolutely NOT btw), what was his answer? It's all so bizarre.

Hope you manage to take on board some the suggestions and advice from PP's OP. For me, an appointment with a local divorce solicitor would be top of the list for this week. And don't tell the daughter anything either.

What about your other kid(s)? Any discussion had with them?

I'm confused about your daughter @JustMissNobody can you explain a bit more about why she thinks it is entirely normal for him to book a holiday and go off without even telling you? The only situation I can think of where this might make sense is if he asked you to go, you said no, and he still wanted to go so he went by himself. Only under those circumstances could I understand her supporting him. But even under those circumstances, he should tell you where he's going!

Doesn’t matter as he isn’t named on the tenancy and I know this as my daughter had this recently and she was told go to court which she couldn’t afford Regardless of what shelter is saying as it’s a civil matter

It can be paperless now from HMRC these days

OP
Firstly ❤ Sounds like you have found your anger, good for you..
Have you considered a clean break ? You walk away with your savings and leave him to what he has.
He may have been raking it in but maybe not at this point it is a gamble.
It could take years to sort out his finances if he decides to be difficult and from what you have said that is quite likely.
Your savings will be added to the pot and I can see you ending up not much better off at the end especially after years of solicitors fees/accountants etc.
Obviously get shit hot legal advice but I think that is what I would do.
I agree the pension is problematic do you have a work pension?
I would be very tempted to hand notice into landlord find somewhere small and cute with a spare room if the kids want to stay over and leave him to realise just how easy he has had things.
This obviously depends on the situation with the other kids, I'm asuming they are adults too?
Good luck, you got this..

Was your daughter married?

Does he have a Facebook page for his business?

Yes for 17 years

I'm sure this has probably been said, but given his paltry contribution to the household (£100 a week! What a joke) and the fact that he's working all hours, and has a private pension you know nothing about, it sounds like he's getting his ducks in a row ready to leave. Perhaps with the OW if there is one. But it sounds like he's going to walk out of the marriage and blame you for it ending. So I just want to add my voice to those strongly urging you to get your ducks in a row, and protect your own assets so he can't come after that. Sorry you're going through this but honestly I think in a few months, you'll feel like a cloud has lifted. He sounds like a total arse.

Maybe but maybe not, we have no idea about his state of mind other than acting out of character.

I don't know if this is possible, but can you sign up for a Credit Karma credit check file? They'll need to verify identity, but you might know enough of the information that they ask for.

Is it legal? Probably not, but it might give you some information you don't know. It won't show you how much money he has in his bank, but it will show any borrowings or credit card balances. It also shows connected addresses and people.

He has obviously managed to manipulate your DD over the years to think he's perfect and therefore she has her rose tinted daddy adoring glasses on. Unfortunately until she's realised what he's like, you're never going to get the support from her that you'd like or deserve, so I think for the sake of your relationship with her, you might have to drop it.

I would be stalking out the airport on Friday though if it was me. You know the day and location, so you can check the arrivals times online to see when flights from that destination are due in. There will likely only be a handful of arrivals per day. (Just don't park in the airport - hanging around for most of a day would likely bankrupt you!)

I would also be searching the house high and low, while he's away, for anything that might be of use.

just read all our posts OP, I really feel for you but I just wanted to applaud how strong and level headed you’re coming across xx

I'm so sorry you're going through this OP. Something similar happened to me, although my (ex) DH did confess his trip was with an OW. Everyone kept telling me to Do Something. Well yes, but what??? I saw a solicitor, who told me I couldn't throw him out or change the locks if its a joint house (can't remember if this applies to you or not) and all I could really do was apply for divorce. Which wasn't what I wanted at the time; all I wanted was for this not to have happened. There's very little that's satisfying, useful or tangible (or legal) that you can do to him, other than start the divorce. But no matter what, I promise you will bounce back from this, even though you can't envisage that at the moment.