To be suspicious about DH

[JustMissNobody]

i can’t sleep and been going out of my mind all day wondering what the hell is going on and what to do. DH announced he was taking a week off on Friday out of the blue, he’s self employed. No mention of intentions of doing so prior to this. And then followed this with he thinks he’ll go away for a few days or a week. I was dumbstruck.

firstly because this is so far out of character to just take time off without mentioning anything prior and I’ve asked about us going away so many times just for even a couple of days if he can’t take a week off and he’s consistently told me he can’t because of work, or other commitments. His other commitments have also been miraculously dealt with too. So from telling me on Friday afternoon, he’s booked a holiday leaving Sunday morning for 5 days, and all this as apparently been dealt with with no pre planning.

its so not like him and going away solo? I never dreamed in a million years he’d be someone that could do that, he’s not a very social person, doesn’t go out drinking etc. I asked him if he was going with someone and he totally went off the deep end. He went upstairs about 2.30 this afternoon packing for his trip and he’s been sat in the bedroom ever since and refusing to speak to me. I’m now in the spare room because he’s still got a face on with me and ignoring me. WTAF?

OP don’t stress if you can’t find any financial information- your solicitor will have seen this all before and will know how to obtain it. You could give notice on the house and ask your landlord for an early exit. Then start looking for a nice one bed flat until the divorce is finalized and you can look at buying. Good luck this week!

Nobody disputes he has behaved appallingly but the point I replied to is that he has a lawful right to occupy his marital home. If I were OP I probably wouldn't want to live there anymore because the house would be a constant reminder. I'd hand in notice and start a new life elsewhere. And what if he ignores the landlord? I doubt they are going to get embroiled in someone else's marital problems and messing around getting court orders.

Sorry you are going through this OP. Your emotions must feel all over the place. Please focus on yourself over the next few days. You have absolutely no control over what he is doing and you will tie yourself in knots trying to get to the bottom of it. Focus on you, do nice things for you and remember that you can have a lovely life by yourself if you need to, your own home and travel to places you were not able to visit with him.

He is being incredibly cruel and selfish. Take one hour at a time. 💐 for you and an enormous hug.

Yeah. I agree it could get messy. Horrible situation all round really.

She can get an occupation order to have him removed from the marital home on grounds of abuse.

This is why we need to have power of attorney set up before we die.

I just think you’re living with an abusive man. You need a really good lawyer -blindside him and split.

If they own the property yes. It's not the same in rental.

He isn’t named on the tenancy as it’s a rental so no he doesn’t regardless

Yes, please get a divorce lawyer. Yes, as mentioned, they’ll have seen this before.

it may be your husband has an accounting app on his phone. He’ll likely have an accountant that will have access to the system to prepare your husband’s tax returns, which then can be searched so eventually, some financial information will be found. Whatever information you have, will help. Particularly he details about the private pension that was built up with marital funds. This is really good news because his money is documented. The deposits into this pension would be tractable to a bank account. Your lawyer will use a forensic accountant to find out.

whether he has an OW or not now is irrelevant. His behaviour is atrocious and has irrevocably broken your marriage.

i wouldn’t file for divorce on line. Get a lawyer. You at least, at a minimum, are entitled to a portion of his business and most definitely his pension pot - which could be substantially more than your house deposit. It is a lever for negotiation. You’re entitled to it. He’s not been contributing fairly to even his own living expenses let alone marital home costs. It is marital assets.

have you considered giving notice on the Liz ce you’re renting now so that you can get away from him and also tell your adult daughter it is time she finds her isn Liz e as you’ll be leaving this rental so you’ll be able to look for something smaller and more affordable?

do NOT share your financial information with anyone. Play poor. Don’t share the amount of funds you have remaining from your inheritance or how much your business is making. Play poor if anything. That youve been supporting him and your daughter ion £100 a week.

your daughter has shown you who she is, what she thinks of you and how much help she’s wiling to give you. Treat her accordingly. She’s not on your side. Do not confide in her or tell her anything she doesn’t need to know. Tell her only what you want your husband to know.

when you’re at the spa, don’t tell anyone where you are. They don’t need to know you have funds for a spa break. Play poor.

above anything else, you deserve better.

I’m so sorry OP. As I was scrolling my thumb hit YABU but YANBU! Please ignore that vote! You have been treated badly for years! Not only that, your daughter is adding to this situation and making it worse. This is also concerning for what she will put up with in her own relationships. . One day she will realise this. I sincerely hope you can get away from him and build a new, better life.

The apologists are out in force.

Hes not depressed he’s a manipulative bastard. Can people read the thread before coming out with this cod nonsense?

Hi OP, I was responding to another poster (pompey38?) who made a nasty victim blaming comment which I reported and it was removed. I’ve never had a post deleted for breaking talk guidelines in the 10 years that I’ve been on MN x

Yes he does. It's his marital home.

No-one is being an apologist. Every post I have read has agreed his behaviour is appalling.

He may be a manipulative bastard. He may be having a mid life crisis and behaving like a manipulative bastard. He may be depressed and behaving like a manipulative bastard. Believe me, I have seen depression manifest itself in a whole variety of ways which have caused absolute chaos to their / other people’s lives. People think of depression as sadness and isolation. It really isn’t. Particularly in men.

Fact is the OP doesn’t know what’s going on for him and we certainly don’t.

OP if he's a sole trader does he have a website? If so have a look to see if he's VAT registered, if so it means he has an annual turnover of over 90 grand. This might mean he wouldn't be able to take half your savings as the children are over 18 and he can support himself (obviously you need to talk to a solicitor though).

I know you say there is no paperwork but please still search the house and car. Be really systematic about it. Check the loft, really innocuous things like an old gym/kit bag, under furniture, mattresses, the shed, inside books/folders, behind a bath panel, under any/behind any loose panels/floor boards. There will be something somewhere.

If he is VAT registered there should be evidence of that somewhere. Search his name on google see what comes up i.e. evidence on bankruptcy proceedings.

There is a lot of good advice on here OP please take it. Don’t waste your time gloating to him about a holiday of your own, as others have said he won’t care. The best revenge here is to outsmart him.

Second what others have said about employing a forensic accountant. Whilst they are eye wateringly expensive, you would likely recoup the fees and way more if they find hidden money which sounds likely. Speak to a solicitor and they will assist with this.

Thinking about you, OP; please see a solicitor for advice, knowledge is power! You'll feel more in control of the situation and can get things moving while he's away. Best of luck!

I haven’t read all the posts from other people, but just wanted to say that this happened to me years ago. My husband suddenly told me he’d booked a snowboarding holiday for the following week with no previous discussion. I was really upset and confused, just like you. It transpired that he’d been having doubts about our marriage and had “gone along” with things like getting married, buying a house etc. He was 30 at the time and it was all wrapped up in wanting to stay young and carefree and not wanting adult responsibilities etc. When he got back, we separated for six weeks during which he had a revelation that after all, he did want to be together. Then we had to work through a lot of hurt… We are happily married and have a family now. I think he was/is not great at identifying and articulating his emotions.

Anyway, my advice to you is to use this time to think about what you want, how do you feel about your marriage, are your wants and needs getting met, would you want things to change to stay together or are you done? It sounds like he’s secretive, not open about his feelings and there’s a weird dynamic going on with your daughter where he’s maybe confiding in her about you. I would not waste the time obsessing and him and another woman. There may not even be another woman.

Do lots of journaling, maybe get a therapist, talk to people you know for perspective, Don’t discuss this with your daughter, other than to say that him not being open and honest about the holiday is not ok in a committed relationship. It sounds like you’ve been painted as “difficult” in your family or that she’s sticking up for him for some reason. Maybe use the time to think about that.

Then once you’ve decided what you want, try to have a talk with him when he gets back about what’s been going on with him. Is it a mid-life crisis? Is he feeling somehow deprived of something in his marriage or his life? And tell him how you feel and what you want. Try not to be reactive - try to listen so you can get information and make sense of the situation.

Good luck!

Time to lawyer up.also your daughter sounds like she is like her father - time for her to move out and find somewhere else to live

You need to find the car key and see what's in it

I’m self employed and everything of mine is online. Nothing gets printed.

So that's a yes then.