To be suspicious about DH

[JustMissNobody]

i can’t sleep and been going out of my mind all day wondering what the hell is going on and what to do. DH announced he was taking a week off on Friday out of the blue, he’s self employed. No mention of intentions of doing so prior to this. And then followed this with he thinks he’ll go away for a few days or a week. I was dumbstruck.

firstly because this is so far out of character to just take time off without mentioning anything prior and I’ve asked about us going away so many times just for even a couple of days if he can’t take a week off and he’s consistently told me he can’t because of work, or other commitments. His other commitments have also been miraculously dealt with too. So from telling me on Friday afternoon, he’s booked a holiday leaving Sunday morning for 5 days, and all this as apparently been dealt with with no pre planning.

its so not like him and going away solo? I never dreamed in a million years he’d be someone that could do that, he’s not a very social person, doesn’t go out drinking etc. I asked him if he was going with someone and he totally went off the deep end. He went upstairs about 2.30 this afternoon packing for his trip and he’s been sat in the bedroom ever since and refusing to speak to me. I’m now in the spare room because he’s still got a face on with me and ignoring me. WTAF?

wtf, no he had zero 'right' to occupy anywhere. Your think if your married to someone you automatically have a 'right' to occupy where they live?

that sounds very dodgy from a tax perspective. if nothing else it gives him something to lose. As others have said you need good legal /financial advice.

OP I don't want to be alarmist but it sounds to me like a mental health crisis. The fact he is behaving so out of character and has gone abroad makes me very concerned about what he might be planning. His actions are not reasonable and he might be suffering from work pressures or financial issues you know nothing about. I would try and start thinking about ways to contact him or try and identify if possible to get a welfare check done on him. His behaviour is bizarre, he sounds very withdrawn and he could be planning something which doesn't bear thinking about.

OP - your mental fortitude is impressive. You must be heartbroken but your head is screwed the Fuck on!

Once this is all sorted out, it might be worth sitting with your daughter & talking about value, yours AND hers.

Is he behaving out of character? Sounds like he’s consistently an arrogant selfish dick who treats the op like crap, and the going away is 100% in character for such a man who is having an affair.

yes, he has the right to stay in his home, that is correct. unless OP can get an occupation order

I hate to say this but I'm fairly sure there's someone else. Been there got the T shirt. My partner went batshit crazy when I asked the question, being naive I believed him, I wasn't wrong and it had been going on for years.

https://england.shelter.org.uk/housing_advice/homelessness/marital_home_rights

Sorry, I have been in this situation with my ex-husband and it’s still the law.

Just me who has put on a deep voice and pretended to be the account holder?

@JustMissNobody

I just want to reiterate how important it is that you see a solicitor immediately. A solicitor will be best placed to tell you what you can or cannot do as far as kicking him out of a rental that's in your sole name. You also need to understand that chances are he's miles ahead of you on this long road you've just started down. You need to catch up as soon as you possibly can and that means good legal advice pronto on how to protect your assets. He may already have seen a solicitor and gotten legal advice on assets, etc and how to come out 'favourably'.

How likely is it that he's given your DD his financial details 'in case of an emergency'. I know you probably can't ask her to tell you, but it's another place you can look. Also, if she's that much of a Daddy's girl, if you are able to kick him out, will she let him back in/give him a key? Will she follow him and how much will it upset you if she does? Frankly, if my child were to see how I'm being treated and not have my back, I'd be fine with them moving out when their father does.

It is a civil matter, If he can afford to take op to court and go through the process he will probably end up worse off. I Know this first hand from locking my abusive ex out and changing my life, he can call the police and it isn't in their power to do anything in that moment.

My exh vanished with no notice two months after we got married. He arrived looking terrible after six days, having taken himself off to Paris. He said he was struggling to fess up that he lied to me to get back together, which then led to marriage: he hadn’t made an arrangement with HMRC to pay the back tax he had been avoiding since starting work 7 years ago (contractor, limited companies) at all. He was so terrified of being jailed that he had done nothing. And told me it was all sorted.

Ultimately I left him a year later anyway because he was a gaslighting, emotionally abusive prick who wasn’t capable of healthy relationships. He was raised by an awful, awful woman and it did both her adopted children a lot of long term harm. This was before the days of people really discussing or understanding harmful upbringings.

As well as being an alcoholic, which I discovered some months later, I also learned that he had repeatedly tried to get back with his first love whilst we were together, had taken loads of coke and slept with hookers.

I am told he died 13 years ago of an accidental overdose (10 years after I left him).

Various people have suggested there may be something dodgy but you should prepare yourself for the really unexpected. I didn’t have a clue about his finances or access to them either. He seemed to think he owed them hundreds of thousands. This was 2000 and he was earning 2k a week.

As to your daughter’s behaviour. I only realised a few years before she died that the reason I seemed to always side with my stepdad instead of my mum was because he was a sociopath who was very well versed in making everyone believe that he was hard done by, when in fact he was just a manipulative, lazy arsehole. I regret it took me so many years to see it. I was over 40 when the penny dropped because he was so good at playing Mr Nice Guy.

Wishing you all the luck, OP.

It's disgusting, isn't it?!

Meanwhile this woman is an absolute trouper. Yeah she's shakey and upset but she's fluid. A credit to all women. Thank you for being awesome OP

Oh I absolutely agree - the treatment he’s given her is enough to leave. However, I can just invisage all the questions from perhaps family or friends ‘well how did you know he was having an affair’ and I wonder if it would be easier to say i’ve got this proof etc and perhaps for the divorce process, but again i’m not sure same as you.
Totally ageee that OP doesn’t need the evidence though, just may make things more clear cut and even extra closure is give then.

Yes, you can do it very cheaply online, however, you want the financial stuff to be sorted out first. Go to a solicitor. I had a really messy divorce with ex-H who had hidden money offshore and loads were found in premium bonds that he hadn't declared etc. My solicitors dealt with everything. They'll talk you through the process in their initial meeting and give you a rough estimate of how much it'll cost.

How old is your youngest and is there history where she prefers or takes her father’s side over you?

I ask because her response to accuse you of ruining his holiday for asking questions makes no sense at all and is illogical. Unless as I said there’s a backstory here.

I agree with this.

Is it Malta by any chance he's gone to? An excellent country for dodgy business owners who want to hide assets. It might explain why you can't find any paperwork as he may have it on him.

Yes, because it’s his marital home too. You might not think it should work that way but it does unfortunately. In law he has a right to live there. It isn’t just what people think.

I'm sorry @JustMissNobody he's done/doing the classic "how dare you accuse me...." And treating you like shit to make you back down and make you feel as though you're doing something wrong!
You're not! I've been married 31 and together 33 yrs now and if my DH suddenly did what yours has I'd be everything you are - you've literally had the rug pulled from under you - and he's getting your DD on side to appease his own guilt - make you the bad guy!
You have other adult children, have you spoken to them? Are you getting support from anyone???
I'm so sorry you're going through this BUT you will get through this..... And you will find a new found confidence which I suspect is much needed for you and will terrify your hubby. The last thing he will want is you getting assertive and standing up for yourself!
When you asked if he was going alone - did his reaction have you apologising for even asking??
Please reach out to one of your other DC or a close friend, someone you can have a cuppa with and know that you are worth so much more than the way you're being treated right now!
Sending you hugs xx

…..or he’s just a cheating bastard. OP has said there are signs that there is an OW

Im sorry you are going through this. The change in behaviour, the holding onto his phone, the gaslighting- making you appear unreasonable for asking questions, leads me also to suspect OW. I hope you are ok.

It's very rare for someone who has never travelled to go abroad to do something that doesn't bear thinking about and book a return flight home if they had that intention. The ticket would be one way.

Have you actually checked the website? Sole traders still need to be registered for tax purposes.

I know it's been said but please please find a good divorce lawyer. You will be entitled to a share of the pension and a good divorce lawyer will find out where he's hidden that away. It's time to start evening the score now Lady! He's had far to much control over money for far too long. Now it's your turn to start having a life too. x

OP may not have the right to kick him out but the LL may. OP should talk to Shelter. When I was living with my OH but not on the lease the agency insisted I be added as a permitted occupier.

If the LL hasn’t added him as one, LL may have the right to order him to leave. Especially if he has been controlling and abusive. Pissing off on his own with no explanation is basically abandonment, no? And I would call giving her £100 a week whilst she pays for absolutely everything else financial abuse. It’s not as though she doesn’t have grounds and she just wants him out after a tif to get her own back.