To be suspicious about DH

[JustMissNobody]

i can’t sleep and been going out of my mind all day wondering what the hell is going on and what to do. DH announced he was taking a week off on Friday out of the blue, he’s self employed. No mention of intentions of doing so prior to this. And then followed this with he thinks he’ll go away for a few days or a week. I was dumbstruck.

firstly because this is so far out of character to just take time off without mentioning anything prior and I’ve asked about us going away so many times just for even a couple of days if he can’t take a week off and he’s consistently told me he can’t because of work, or other commitments. His other commitments have also been miraculously dealt with too. So from telling me on Friday afternoon, he’s booked a holiday leaving Sunday morning for 5 days, and all this as apparently been dealt with with no pre planning.

its so not like him and going away solo? I never dreamed in a million years he’d be someone that could do that, he’s not a very social person, doesn’t go out drinking etc. I asked him if he was going with someone and he totally went off the deep end. He went upstairs about 2.30 this afternoon packing for his trip and he’s been sat in the bedroom ever since and refusing to speak to me. I’m now in the spare room because he’s still got a face on with me and ignoring me. WTAF?

If he’s home based, must have some information somewhere - invoices, accounts etc It can’t all be online. Get your Sherlock Holmes’s hat on!

OP - with all respect, this is a massive red flag. Even if he works from home online etc he has to have some kind of paperwork somewhere. Do you not think this is strange?

Does he do his own tax return, or shift the paperwork off to a bookkeeper or accountant? If he does his own, I'm sure he'd be huffing and moaning about sorting the paperwork every year. I'm sure he'd use a programme or Excel spreadsheet to calculate, so try looking for recent files on his computer.

Is it possible he's not actually done a tax return, and has had a lot of brown envelopes from HMRC demanding huge sums of money?

Im so so sorry you’re going through this right now. You don’t deserve it, if you’re ever finding it hard to figure out what to do, it might be worth thinking about what example you want to set your daughter, what would you want for her if she was in a similar situation down with a partner. I know she’s not being great right now but she is presumably trying to manage the situation as best she can (yes she’s an adult but witnessing the sort of man your husband is and the way he treats you can really mess with a person’s sense of right and wrong). I don’t think you can “get justice” from this man, so I think there’s no point trying to convince him that he’s wrong. but you can potentially take control of the situation with calm and dignity. This will pass, and someday soon you are going to feel so much better than you’ve felt in a long time, but right now you have to get through this. Stay calm, think, really think about the path forward, there is a way. Don’t get sucked into this drama he is creating. Put yourself first, keep putting yourself first moment to moment until you get out the other side of this. 💐

A good Solicitor would employ a Forensic Accountant to review his business details. Courts support this if there is a whiff of anything being hidden. Those accountants are experts at finding everything. You will be entitled to half of all assets, as will your unreasonable husband.

I’m so sorry you are going through this. Bear in mind that even after 34-years of marriage, you may find ditching him very freeing and become happier than you’ve been for a long time. 💐

I don't know how it works in the UK as I'm in Canada. When I did it, my ex was not informed.

Raising his fist and pushing you is unforgivable in itself. Awful man, just awful.

Don’t get caught up trying to get proof of OW - it doesn’t matter. You need out regardless of if he’s having an affair.

This. Lurking at the airport, finding out where the suspected OW is - save your time and headspace.

I'm so pleased you've booked some away time on his return. He might not care but it absolutely gets you out of the picture if he comes back defensive / angry / sulky / argumentative. And am loving your fighting attitude - don't expect much sleep this week, be very gentle with yourself, remember to eat (small meals and often).

This quote which has been knocking around social media recently came immediately to mind when you wrote about your daughter’s behaviour:

“Often father and daughter look down on mother (woman) together. They exchange meaningful glances when she misses a point. They agree that she is not bright as they are, cannot reason as they do. This collusion does not save the daughter from the mother’s fate.”

Bonnie Burstow

I know it’s her dad manipulating things, which is very unkind of him to do to her when she still lives at home, but I still hope your daughter sees that quote at some point and feels a really sharp and regretful twinge at the way she’s behaved towards you. Take care of yourself over the coming weeks and months and don’t allow anyone to invalidate your feelings over what’s occurred.

I agree this.

I sincerely hope any evidence that he asks for is treated with the exact same contempt and disregard that OP was met with when questioning about this sudden secret holiday.
I’m not sure how it works legally, with regards to divorce etc, but if that was my husband, the only evidence necessary IMO is whatever is required to satisfy MY own mind, for my own need for proof/closure. And I think in OP’s case, any decision to walk would have more to do with how he’s treating her poorly rather than the fact he may be having an affair.

So, let him ask for evidence all he wants, and let’s hope he’s denied any explanation and left hanging, just like he’s done to his wife in this instance. Infact if there is an OW, I’d hand him over willingly, and say good luck to her. He sounds like an absolute prince 😒

Just said pretty much the same thing (in a much less concise way! 😅) but you’re so right. OP owes him nothing after this imo!

I might have missed this, but have you spoken with your other child/children about what is going on?
if you know where he’s gone and that he returns on Friday, I would go to the airport for those flights. He has treated you with so little respect that he will probably gaslight and ignore what he doesn’t want to answer once he’s back, I’d need to know if there was an OW so there’s definitely no going back. At this point, he should be offering you to look at his phone or whatever else you want to see for some reassurance but he won’t let you because it looks like he has no respect for you or even cares about your feelings. I’m so sorry you’re going through this

He's way past this, he thinks he's omnipitant.

Op has probably been trying to make things appaear normal for quite some time, with children that have left home and others around her.

It's also past the cat and mouse stage, this man doesn't even care to cover up his behaviour, and thinks op is not entitled to information or explanations.

The contempt he feels towards op is disturbing.

Just catching up on this thread OP, and sounds like today has been even worse than yesterday - what with him actually leaving, your daughter backing him up, plus the revelations about how he’s been so secretive and sneaky over such a long period, it’s a lot to take.

Gotta say tho, as horrible as it all is, you are handling it like an absolute legend. Easy to tell you have your head screwed on and this is the very last time he’s ever going to take you for a mug. He’s made the biggest mistake and he’ll be realising that very soon, and probably kicking himself for the rest of his life. You, on the other hand, will be onto bigger better brighter things from this moment on, as soon as you scrap his sorry arse.

You’re smart, strong, dignified and deserving of soooo much better. I don’t have any advice, other than to remind you that you’ve got this, and you’ve also got the support of all of us lot here. So hang in there. Bigger better things, remember 🙂

He can't just change the locks on his return. Check your tenancy. If he did call the landlord

Mental health crisis maybe ? Is he depressed? Perhaps speak to his parents ?

Have you read all the OP's updates?
He is a financially and emotionally abusive, gaslighting arsehole.

Mental health crisis my arse, as Jim Royle would say.

I’m so sorry, OP. This is horrible, and it sounds like you’ve deserved much better for a long time.

Another vote here for a forensic accountant - it’s highly unlikely you’ll be able to track all the information down yourself.

I’d start with an initial chat with a family law solicitor and see what they say about next steps.

Good luck.

What line of work is he in? It sounds really suspect.
He works from home, but only recently as he was out of work before that, but there is no paperwork or any information about his business. Does he have customers?

Maybe he was caught doing something illegal online and is skipping the country. Do you know him at all I wonder

If it was me I would be on to a solicitor tomorrow

Your daughter sounds awful I am afraid to say. I would have thought she would have backed you up. You haven't had a holiday in 30 years, he is stingy with money and won't take any time off but you shouldn't ask him quite reasonable questions when he suddenly decided to holiday for a week "on his own" in Europe.

Can you call a garage or dealership and explain that you've lot your keys to your husband's car and he's going to be so angry so you get a replacement key and get the car open? Or say it's your car that your husband has lost the keys for your car?. He must be keeping paperwork somewhere.

Where would he have been able to meet a woman? Could it be a man? He sounds absolutely cheap and nasty anyway. A week away with him might be the end of the affair because he sounds really tight with money.

I'd be getting myself to a solicitor right now. I do think as the tenancy is in your name you can exclude him - I'm a solicitor but not in the UK. A house rented in your name isn't a "matrimonial home" in the usual sense where you are joint owners where you can't exclude him. Check and change the locks if you can. I think I'd be suggesting your daughter seek some alternative accommodation too.

I really hope you're ok.

Love that quote.
It applies to any woman who enables men to mistreat other women.

For rentals doesn’t matter if married or not whomevers names on the tenancy is the tenant so she can put him out and he has no recourse of action even if he phones the police it’ll be classed as a civil matter.

£100 a week ruddy Nora the cheek of the man, you can check with company house about his net worth by the way

you can also go after all he has too you know. He has a lot more to lose I’d think.