To be suspicious about DH

[JustMissNobody]

i can’t sleep and been going out of my mind all day wondering what the hell is going on and what to do. DH announced he was taking a week off on Friday out of the blue, he’s self employed. No mention of intentions of doing so prior to this. And then followed this with he thinks he’ll go away for a few days or a week. I was dumbstruck.

firstly because this is so far out of character to just take time off without mentioning anything prior and I’ve asked about us going away so many times just for even a couple of days if he can’t take a week off and he’s consistently told me he can’t because of work, or other commitments. His other commitments have also been miraculously dealt with too. So from telling me on Friday afternoon, he’s booked a holiday leaving Sunday morning for 5 days, and all this as apparently been dealt with with no pre planning.

its so not like him and going away solo? I never dreamed in a million years he’d be someone that could do that, he’s not a very social person, doesn’t go out drinking etc. I asked him if he was going with someone and he totally went off the deep end. He went upstairs about 2.30 this afternoon packing for his trip and he’s been sat in the bedroom ever since and refusing to speak to me. I’m now in the spare room because he’s still got a face on with me and ignoring me. WTAF?

My ex was very techie and I knew this, but when I hotspotted my mobile to his Mac during a WiFi outage, some interesting photos were accidentally airdropped to my phone. He also put us “in a relationship” on Facebook but on custom settings so only certain people could see it. I was completely taken in by him and had no idea of his secret kink life on multiple websites.

He’s not going to care. He would probably be relieved to avoid all the drama if he walked through the door and OP had gone away for a few days. If he’s happy to just walk out and leave her for a few days, he’s hardly going to be sad she’s not home.

Probably in the car, attic, or under floorboards. Although the car could be stolen so probably not the car, too easy to break into.

Intimacy hasn’t been good, it dropped off when I was struggling through menopause and he hasn’t really shown any interest since or been too tired with working long hours. I’ve felt a bit neglected so haven’t made any effort either so I’m as much to blame as him for it.

hes raised his fist to me once many yrs ago in an argument and pushed me but never actually hit me. He can sometimes be verbally aggressive but more when he gets defensive about something. Usually if I question him about something he gets annoyed and turns it back on me so it’s like it’s actually my fault. It’s easier to just let things go and avoid those situations though most of the time it’s not worth the stress of it all.

Less about retaliation and more about not feeling like she’s waiting for this dickhead to come home.
I think we’re all in the ‘it’s over’ camp right? This thread is wild.

Does your daughter work ? will she be out of the house tomorrow so you can make phone calls ?
as you do not want her listening in !

is your phone/laptop password protected - as you do not want her finding this thread.

I suggest your DD 26 year old is in the middle and doesn't want to get involved, except she is because she still lives at home and its equally uncomfortable for her to be in that position.

I remember my DD telling me about a work friend who was a bit older, and his parents separated, and his feelings about each of them confiding in him. He was over it and he spends as little time as possible with either of them now...

Your DH shouldn't have put her in that position of knowing his movements, yet you do not. That is unfair of him but I guess he feels he owes her some explanation, but not you.

I don't understand how you can't possibly know where the ''office stuff'' is kept. Surely he does tax/employee wage returns on line and keeps paper copies of quotes? Does he have contractors or employees who might know? Would you feel comfortable in asking them if he has been himself recently at work?

Have you tried turning on the computer to see if he has passwords etc saved? Does your DD use the same computer for her stuff?

I would be tempted to be at the airport when he arrives and watch him walk out of arrivals. See if he is by himself or not. I wouldn't make my presence known, but slip back home via the shops or something. I would want to know.

I would also ask DD to go and spend Friday night somewhere else. You and DH need to have an ernest discussion and you might as well do it while he has a bag packed.

The secrecy needs to stop.

@LayLowLilo sasly men often continue to use children to punish and hurt their exes long after a split happens. I know from bitter experience. If the daughter chooses to side with him then the op is going to have a difficult relationship with her going forwards. The daughter will have bought into his lies and is colluding with him/

I'd be dedicating the time he is away to ripping the house apart for any kind of financial documentation. He must receive annual statements of some kind.

The best thing you can do is arm yourself with as much information as possible.

The whole dynamic and the way he speaks about you to your daughter is unhealthy.

Hopefully his week away will help you to see things clearly too. Go and listen to the Beautiful South song A Little Time on repeat. Sod his holiday he can't even be bothered to give you the details for. I know more about where my neighbours have gone on holiday than you know about your own husband. It's a ludicrous situation but that doesn't make it any easier.

What about companies house if he has his own business?

My DD had her thumbprint on my phone when younger until I changed my passcode, just from nosiness - she’s an expert sleuth. So I would definitely suggest changing passwords and codes on devices to something yours would never be able to guess.

OP - do you think he could / has been leaving a double life? You have been together a long time , but don't seem to know a lot about important things (that's not a criticism btw). I mean, does he have a office or anything? Seems really odd. Also, from what you say , he doesn't give you a lot financially, but I bet you he is absolutely raking the money in.Could he have used some profit from his business for another property say? .

So he is intimidating.

Some men don't need to be physically abusive, just the threat is enough.

You are not even allowed to question him for fear of his agression coming out when he goes into defence mode.

He stonewalls and gives you the silent treatment.

He is highly abusive op.

typical gaslighter… always make you question yourself …. i think you are going to have a “life begins moment” in the not too distant future and hopefully you will look back on this time in your life and actually realise he has done you a massive favour…hopefully his life and karma will have caught up with him and turnt to shit.
you only need to look at the poll percentages to know you have a massive support network of people behind you.

Yes I agree but if op and her husband separate the daughter may not be as fearful to show regard for her mother.

In the home, it sounds as though she may be fearful of the father.

Whilst in the home op may not see this, she may just see it as daddy's girl.

For everyone who’s coming up with some great ideas who are trying to help.
H is not registered with companies house, not a ltd company.
hes a sole trader, no employees and has no office or other premises for me to check or ask for info. Thank you all for your suggestions though it’s very thoughtful x

Have you tried turning on the computer to see if he has passwords etc saved? Does your DD use the same computer for her stuff?

I think it is extremely unlikely that a 26 year old doesn't have her own laptop.

Change the locks after he's left plus get legal advice.
Men act angrily and defensively when they've done or are doing something wrong.

Please get legal advice OP - please get to a solicitor first thing and find out what you can do to freeze his assets. He's an arsehole.

You mentioned you have suspected an OW for a while now, is there any way to confirm if she is currently out of the country?

I agree with this. You daugher sees how scared you are to confront your DH so she plays 'nice' so he doesn't treat her the same way.

My twins are very scared of their dad. They know how he treated me and they don't want him to do the same to them. He's managed to almost completely turn my DD against me and she now lives with him. My son has an anti-harassment order against his dad - he's not allowed any contact with my son.

Yes please do seek legal advice ASAP. There may be things the solicitor wants to to do whilst he distracted on holiday.

What does he actually bring to your life? Sounds like you’d be better off on your own.

It may sound odd, but check under carpets. When my parents split & carpets were changed, my mum found all dad’s wage slips! He’d been lying to her for a long time about what he earned.

p.s sending massive hugs your way.

An hour with a solicitor will be invaluable.