To be suspicious about DH

[JustMissNobody]

i can’t sleep and been going out of my mind all day wondering what the hell is going on and what to do. DH announced he was taking a week off on Friday out of the blue, he’s self employed. No mention of intentions of doing so prior to this. And then followed this with he thinks he’ll go away for a few days or a week. I was dumbstruck.

firstly because this is so far out of character to just take time off without mentioning anything prior and I’ve asked about us going away so many times just for even a couple of days if he can’t take a week off and he’s consistently told me he can’t because of work, or other commitments. His other commitments have also been miraculously dealt with too. So from telling me on Friday afternoon, he’s booked a holiday leaving Sunday morning for 5 days, and all this as apparently been dealt with with no pre planning.

its so not like him and going away solo? I never dreamed in a million years he’d be someone that could do that, he’s not a very social person, doesn’t go out drinking etc. I asked him if he was going with someone and he totally went off the deep end. He went upstairs about 2.30 this afternoon packing for his trip and he’s been sat in the bedroom ever since and refusing to speak to me. I’m now in the spare room because he’s still got a face on with me and ignoring me. WTAF?

He has a right to occupy the marital home. The OP can give notice and leave but she will be responsible for the rent until the end of the notice period because her name is on the tenancy.

I know ppl have been asking me what I want now. I’m a little calmer right now but I know it’s only day one and I’ve got 4/5 more to go yet before he either comes home or he doesn’t. I know I’m probably going to be up and down with my emotions a lot between now and then. However, ultimately, I’m done. He’s made his bed he can sleep in it with his OW or not now as far as I’m concerned.
the disrespect and ignoring me the way he did, just leaving in the morning, the way it’s all just happened irrespective of if there’s OW involved or not is it for me now. It’s over, I don’t want him back home now or ever. He can go whenever the fuck he wants. I’d rather be on my own than put up with that crap anymore!!

That sounds positive OP. I think you now need to put a plan in place, take one step at a time x

I would suspect he's going away with another woman.

He's clearly silenced his notifications on his phone. You will soon start to see other "signs" that you just did t see at the time, not because you are stupid but because you trusted him. Sadly I know exactly how that feels

OP - you’ve nailed it. Good for you. I agree - you need a plan that you follow - it will help if / when you waver. You deserve so much better.

Sorry just seen your update.

Have a credit report done on him. You can do it online for a reasonable fee. This will list all his bank accounts and debts. You won't be able to get into the accounts, but you'll know if he has any he has not told you about.

@XChrome will he know she’s done a credit check on him?

So sorry you’re going through this. You don’t deserve this. Doubly so that your daughter is backing him up

you have every reason to be upset. He is being so disrespectful of you and your marriage. You’re not a doormat and you’ve reached the point not to accept such treatment.

wishing you peace of MJ and hope for better future, without him.

Or she can apply for an occupation order. He's not financially dependent on her and hasn't been contributing fairly so the chances are she's likely to get it. Especially as he appears to have just walked out on their marriage.

Get down to the bank tomorrow and request a bank cheque for your deposit- take to a new bank and deposit it there out of reach for now. Ring fence any funds for your protection just in case. Doesn’t mean that they won’t be disputed but at least they will be in a safe place until you know what you are dealing with.

I’d be booking myself a holiday for when he got home and not bother telling him xx

I think you should book a holiday that leaves the day before he gets back.

Ha yes- this

I think this is risky because she works, she’s responsible for the rent, and she could come back to finds the locks changed and the joint account emptied. I agree the OP should book herself a lovely holiday when they’re divorced.

Well done @JustMissNobody what an absolutely horrible situation and what an absolute tosser he is. You do deserve better. Now that the fog is clearing you will probably become aware of all the other times that he was treated you badly.
as for you daughter. She needs to grow up.

I’ve got work commitments this weekend coming or I would have booked something and just buggered off away and to hell with him. I’ve booked into a hotel with a spa for Thursday and Friday night though so at least I’ll have some time to myself and I won’t be here when / if he does come back here.

Please make sure you speak to a solicitor first and get everything safe and organised. I dont trust your H or your daughter, who knows what he is planning to do?

@XChrome surely doing a credit check on him would be viewed as fraudulently obtaining information? I would stay clear of this incase things escalate and turn nasty

A marriage which has irretrievably broken down, was there something which happened in the past to trigger such a poor relationship between you ?

The man is abusive, of that there is no doubt, he clearly has been using your daughter to hurt and harm you and I should imagine there will be others he uses to hurt you, does he have family still ? There will be an ow, maybe there have been others but this one is more demanding, she will be a piece of work regardless lapping up his demonising of you.
I will say to those who think he's on his way out and wants op to end it and him appear the victim maybe are wrong, this is beyond that. I think he doesn't want to leave until he has his hands on op's inheritance, through death probably.

Yes he sounds that bad.

He could have left years ago, this treatment of not even taking op into account for the holiday smacks of a man who is not affraid to show his hatred of op.
He is cruel bastard who believes his wife is someone to treat as he wishes and he has forgot how to be kind to her. He is dreadful, one of the worst I've seen on here.
Op recognise how bad this man is and understand the dynamic, he is the most disloyal piece of shit, with sadistic tendancies.
I would also hazard a guess that he won't let you go, he wants you to remain, be treated like shit and not be allowed to move on when it comes to the crunch.
Be very careful if you decide to divorce him, he may well become physically abusive, I would say you need outside help Women's Aid, but I should imagine he's been presented as the nice one throught your marriage, even within the home, he controls everything. It is hard to recieve support from anyone when someone presents as the angel when really he's a covert narc.

One thing you need to do is close down, grey rock him and your daughter, she doesn't understand and this is probably a survival mechanism she has in place to survive his wrath or anger ever showing.

Keep talking, you need to built up your confidence to even think about making a decision, this man must have put you through hell to get you to the point whereby you have no voice to even ask where he is going.
He's evil.

he only contributes £400 a month for rent/ bills/food is absolutely shocking too!!

Fortunately we don’t have a joint account and he no longer has access to mine. He could change the locks I suppose but then I’d just get a locksmith to get me back in and call the police on his arse

Good for you. I hope it brings you some clarity of mind. In particular I think it’s good to be away from dd too. I’m worried for her that she thinks this is how a future partner for her should behave.

I wouldn’t be going anywhere.

I’d be calling every bank and credit union in the country saying you are his secretary, he lost his phone and you need paper statements delivered to the house for every account he has. Urgently.

Give his name and everything you have and get those bank statements and credit information delivered to your house this week.