To be suspicious about DH

[JustMissNobody]

i can’t sleep and been going out of my mind all day wondering what the hell is going on and what to do. DH announced he was taking a week off on Friday out of the blue, he’s self employed. No mention of intentions of doing so prior to this. And then followed this with he thinks he’ll go away for a few days or a week. I was dumbstruck.

firstly because this is so far out of character to just take time off without mentioning anything prior and I’ve asked about us going away so many times just for even a couple of days if he can’t take a week off and he’s consistently told me he can’t because of work, or other commitments. His other commitments have also been miraculously dealt with too. So from telling me on Friday afternoon, he’s booked a holiday leaving Sunday morning for 5 days, and all this as apparently been dealt with with no pre planning.

its so not like him and going away solo? I never dreamed in a million years he’d be someone that could do that, he’s not a very social person, doesn’t go out drinking etc. I asked him if he was going with someone and he totally went off the deep end. He went upstairs about 2.30 this afternoon packing for his trip and he’s been sat in the bedroom ever since and refusing to speak to me. I’m now in the spare room because he’s still got a face on with me and ignoring me. WTAF?

Sorry op sounds like he's checked out mentally and also acting like a manchild he's telling your dd his p.ans. but not you not much respect for 34 years. Maybe he's working extra to escape or to avoid you but your right to feel upset with both of them. It's not a game it's your life there Messing with. I feel for you how are you meant to function all week? He might be alone but he's not doing anything to reassure you maybe he's enjoying hurting you. I don't know how you get over this because even with a grovelling apology I couldn't let it go. Maybe start looking at a future without him and maybe a holiday soon to get your own space from him. Also remind him he owes the house money if he doesn't pay up don't buy anything for him but tbh he's acting like a tenant the amount he's paying you. If you put 100 a week in the pot would this cover al, your expenses? I find so many men frustrating especially on here. Treating there other halves with no respect. Good luck.

See a solicitor and change the locks. Your daughter needs to wise up, treating you poorly is terribly unkind and v disloyal. Stand up for yourself because it’s the only power you have.

She can't change the locks. It's his marital home too.

I don’t want to be too outting but he’s in europe but not in Amsterdam. he’s never used cannabis and never even smoked, he cant stand it

Is there much crime in your area? Other ways of getting into a car if you can't find a spare key. Couple of flat tyres would be dreadful on his return on Friday ....

I hope you find some comfort in the support / outrage on your behalf from others here.

I'm so sorry, he sounds like he's been a really rubbish husband, I hope you find the strength to leave, I think a brighter future awaits you xxx

We have previously owned a home. When we sold it we were in negative equity. We needed a larger home then (bigger family by then) we had to rent as we had no other option. We have since moved to different areas over the yrs renting council homes and private. I have money now for a deposit on a house due to having good earnings and coming into money a few yrs ago.

I've just caught up with the thread. Wow. I am gobsmacked at your 'D'H behaviour. He's well and truly hoodwinked your Dd hasn't he?

He's 100% gone away with someone else.

Like someone else said, you need to get angry now. Go and see a solicitor whilst he's away and get some advice. No way would I be letting him walk back in like nothing has happened. You need to gain the upper hand.

What a twunt he is!!

Op this post has made me so sad and angry for you, I'm sorry this is all happening and that your dd isn't on your side.

As the rented house is in your name can you give notice to leave? Then rent somewhere on your own and him and dd will have to sort their own accommodation? You can then start divorce proceedings.

Use these 5 days wisely while you have the time and space.

Just a thought, if you have any electronic devices, or need to know how to access bank accounts etc, then ask here. Someone will be able to help you.

Sorry this is a tough time for you. He may actually be doing you a favour in the long run.

NRTFT but I've read all of your posts OP.

Something I picked up on was your youngest daughter and how close she is with her Dad. My sister was like that with our dad, when our parents divorced she would blame Mum, before that she would always blame Mum and says it's her fault that she 'wound dad up'.

Anyway, it was a load of crap and everyone else could see what was going on. I'm not saying this will happen with your daughter but I'm hoping it might give you some hope. My Dad got a new wife and suddenly my sister wasn't so special anymore and he turned on her too. They are no contact now and she can see everything that happened and has apologised to Mum and they are really really close now.

I'm hoping one day your daughter will see it for how it is, she really shouldn't be taking sides and shouldn't be dragged into it.

It all sounds awful OP, I hope you’re ok 💐

It sounds like he’s checked out most likely, or needs a mental break. Your daughter doesn’t understand, but isn’t being nice and it’s unacceptable. If she thinks that is acceptable relationship behaviour, it shows her immaturity - I would tell her that. And surely she can see how upset you are!

I think I could overlook this break if you’d ever gone anywhere together but given that he’s never taken you anywhere, I think you can do better.

Given the odd behaviour, being rude about you, giving you the silent treatment, I would say most likely he’s already left you “mentally”; and divorce is on the cards. Either way, he hasn’t treated you well with this, and he won’t give you answers if he doesn’t want to - so don’t press; you’re not desperate. Just start moving on with your life. Yes, you may feel like you’re losing your mind, and sick to your stomach which is to be expected, but know that you will be okay and from now on you need to look after number 1, you! He will probably be unrecognisable from the man you thought you knew.

If he comes back to you in the future, then so be it, maybe you won’t want him back. Don’t plead, or beg for answers. Grief is horrendous, and you’ve been together an eternity, but it is the beginning of a new chapter.

Get your finances in order; speak to a lawyer.

You’ve always wanted a holiday; so do it. Maybe passive aggressive, maybe petty, but I’d book a lush holiday for myself. Make sure you’re gone before he’s back, and your phone is on airport mode. Tell your children you’re taking some time for yourself and won’t be available for a while.

I definitely would not buy whilst ur married he said it was better when u were away to your dd tell him he knows where the front door is and he would not even get 1 room for his 100 quid a week. Why does he pay so little? Even being part time I paid more than this your a partnership he could be raking it in and you will never know. Working such long hours means more money. He's taking the piss.

Finding out any banking info is impossible, he does everything online, he doesn’t have statements delivered. He barely gets any post at all. Everything seems to be done on his phone which he keeps with him all the time on his pocket. I have recently noticed that it doesn’t make a noise anymore when he gets messages or emails or whatsapps. I only just thought about it because DD sent him a message through to him on Thursday and I sent some pictures of GC to him through WhatsApp while he was sat in the lounge with me and I didn’t hear them come through like I normally would have done, so I asked and he checked and said they had. I used to hear beeps and things on his phone all the time, emails about jobs etc but I can’t remember hearing any for ages now I come to think about it 🤷‍♀️

Could you book to go away yourself? His behaviour is super strange but maybe doing something for yourself might be a positive thing to find out of it

If there is another woman I’d be pleased she was taking him off my hands. He really does sound awful. I’m sure it’s very shocking and upsetting , but what does he actually bring to the table in your marriage? Did he even make you happy? Your daughter sounds disappointing, but maybe in time she will realise.

The financials sound like they will be a problem. Especially now he knows you're on to him. It would make sense to see what you can find out about those. Good luck OP.

I'm worried about your savings and your inheritance if you divorce, OP. Please get legal advice ASAP.

Not a wise use f time she has, considering. She needs to be ahead of the game - see a solicitor and get some advice on how to protect and secure her money and any other funds she is legally entitled to.

I’m guessing the husband will have taken his phone and iPad. because he’s glued to his phone. OP, maintain radio silence and let him wonder what you’re doing. Can you see from your own bank statements what bank he was transferring the £100 a week from? He could have multiple ISAs, savings accounts, premium bonds. All this can be looked into by a court order. Just don’t leave any of your own money in the joint account for him to access. Pay the rent from your own account.

Of course she can. She’s the only person on the tenancy. He is there only with her permission. Obviously OP needs to discuss the situation with landlord, but he doesn’t have the right to be there if his name isn’t on the tenancy. He can’t even prove he’s been paying the rent because he just sends her a ridiculously small sum of £100 per week. OP could give notice on the tenancy, and unless he asks the landlord if he can be the new tenant, he has no rights.

Does he have iPad/laptop/desktop computer you can access? Do you know or can you guess his login details for online banking? I hate suggesting this, but finding the messages was what finally proved to me that my husband was having an affair. Prior to that I'd thought he was having a breakdown (although it was probably a combo of the two in practice). We stayed together with counselling, and now it's crumbling (he's now having an affair with alcohol). I think it's hard to get past complete loss of trust, which sounds like you have here. I'm sorry you're dealing with this x

Why are posters continuing to play the mental health card?

He has been financially and emotionally abusing the OP and gaslighting her when she wants a straight answer to a question.

This isn't "mental health", it's selfish abusive behaviour. Having poor mental health is not a free ticket to behave like an arsehole.

She absolutely cannot. The law is that you cannot lock someone out of the marital home, regardless of whether it is rented, owned or who is on the tenancy. It is his home, where he lives and she cannot just throw him out.