To be suspicious about DH

[JustMissNobody]

i can’t sleep and been going out of my mind all day wondering what the hell is going on and what to do. DH announced he was taking a week off on Friday out of the blue, he’s self employed. No mention of intentions of doing so prior to this. And then followed this with he thinks he’ll go away for a few days or a week. I was dumbstruck.

firstly because this is so far out of character to just take time off without mentioning anything prior and I’ve asked about us going away so many times just for even a couple of days if he can’t take a week off and he’s consistently told me he can’t because of work, or other commitments. His other commitments have also been miraculously dealt with too. So from telling me on Friday afternoon, he’s booked a holiday leaving Sunday morning for 5 days, and all this as apparently been dealt with with no pre planning.

its so not like him and going away solo? I never dreamed in a million years he’d be someone that could do that, he’s not a very social person, doesn’t go out drinking etc. I asked him if he was going with someone and he totally went off the deep end. He went upstairs about 2.30 this afternoon packing for his trip and he’s been sat in the bedroom ever since and refusing to speak to me. I’m now in the spare room because he’s still got a face on with me and ignoring me. WTAF?

Your DDs actions are very strange and worrying. He's clearly got to her as his behaviour is so out of order surely she would understand your feelings?

I would use this week to get all financials in order.

Think about all the possible scenarios and what you decision would be if it was each of them. But even if it is a mental health crisis this is going to be very hard to come back from. It's just so cruel. Having bad mental health doesn't mean you have to, get away with, or can't help being vile to your loved one.

Sounds like overwhelming mental health issues. Self-employment can run you ragged until you reach the 'can't bear another day of this' level. If it is mental health, it isn't he won't explain it or discuss it, but rather he can't because of how the swamp is drowning him.
If it isn't mental health, he probably has a little friend you don't know about.

Sorry, but there’s a lot that doesn’t add up here.

You’ve been married for 34 years but have never bought a house, despite you having enough savings for a deposit.

He’s never divulged to you what he earns and only contributes £100 a week to the joint finances.

Never mind the (potential) affair, the finances are seriously worrying.

Great advice on here (and I'm agreeing with affair scenario, been the one blindsided, treated appallingly for 6 months before I found out, which I put down to his anxiety and didn't confront because I didn't want to make things worse, walking on eggshells around his sulks).

Get a notepad, go through responses on here. New bank account and move your £'s - gives you back control of your finances. Solicitor for advice ASAP. Consider renting a space in one of those secure storage units and keep a bag there in case you need to get out quick. Get your documents together - marriage cert, anything relating to the house rental, passport. Find a locksmith in case you need to change locks. And the post about staying somewhere else Friday / Saturday is good - he'll be back and defensive - you not being there puts him on the wrong foot. Find a cheap spa, or Travelodge and Netflix and get your head straight after the stress.

A week "holiday" with another woman isn't the solid basis on which to consider leaving a 34 year marriage but blokes aren't good at seeing reality. He may come back. He may leave to be with her. He may continue gaslighting you for a bit longer in order to get his business finances where he wants them. Being mentally prepared for all scenarios is exhausting, draining, humiliating. I wish you all good things, OP.

I found ExH phone bills (he was crap at passwords) which confirmed everything. I gave him the ultimatum, he stays and we work at it (23 year marriage) but he stops contacting her, or he goes. Within a week I checked his phone messages and I literally threw his stuff out the door.

OP I’m so sorry that you have been treated this way. He has been dishonest and secretive and not treating you as a partner.

This trip has been planned for a year. He just didn’t have the courage to tell you. He is meeting someone/ doing something shady.

Do not trust your daughter as far as you can throw her.

Take advantage of the time he's away to get your finances in order just in case. As husband and wife you are financially tied together. Check out his business stuff so that you have copies of everything you need in case of divorce , then you can take the right papers to a solicitor and he can't hide assets.

He’s cheating. It’s been going on for ages.

Whether or not you can prove it, I would seriously question whether you want to continue being married to someone who treats you with so little respect.

I’d be getting legal advice with a view to changing the locks, packing his bags and filing for divorce.

a very very similar things happened to me, and it turned out to be an affair and the end of the relationship. This sounds like an affair to me, go full detective mode, check his phone and search history.

Sorry, but I’m feeling angry on your behalf. He’s behaved like a twat, and I wouldn’t be able to get past this. If he had been a decent husband in the 34 years you’ve been with him, I’d say if it’s worth fighting for, try get to the bottom of it all. But sound like you’ve been in an awful marriage for a lot of those 34 years. I would start to get organised for his return. 100% it’s an affair situation. Get your finances in order. Make sure your money is safe. If it’s going to be difficult to get him out of the house, once he gets home, call his bluff. Say you want out, and that he can leave and get his own place, as the tenancy is with you, or that you will give notice on your tenancy and leave to rent somewhere else on your own so he will still have to find his own place anyway, whichever option he chooses. My guess is that as he’s mean with his money, and self employed, he might be reluctant to leave as he knows whether he moves in with OW or gets his own place, he’s going to be a hell of a lot worse off than in his current situation paying £100 pw. This might explain why he’s secretive and doesn’t want to divulge an affair or OW, because he’s hoping to keep you supporting him, and have OW on the side. And don’t share info with your dd, as if her sympathies are with her df, she may well relay info to him. You’re being bullied by both of them. Find your anger and strength OP.

I would absolutely be leaving him, OW or not. He has no regards for your feelings and it is absolutely not normal to up and leave without telling you the details or asking if you want to join. You're MARRIED, things like that are discussed. He's so disrespectful

I would also be telling your daughter to buck her ideas up and show you some respect, otherwise she shouldn't be living under your roof with such resentful attitude towards you. She clearly doesn't know how adult relationships work and she should not be passing judgment on you till she does.

I actually feel fuming for you at the cheek of the pair of them

This is so far beyond acceptable, OP. I'm so sorry. I agree with others that you should do some snooping to find out more.

This is beyond weird. Is £100 per week his total financial contribution to the household? Does he pay all his own car expenses, phone, clothing? Does he help with anything around the home as it sounds as if you've been leading very separate lives.

Some excellent advice here lovely. Deffo go through everything in your house, protect yourself financially. Also keep your powder dry regards your daughter. Less she knows the better. Does he just propose to return home and carry on as normal after his holiday??!!. Who does he think he is??.

My two cents worth. I think he's been having an affair for quite some time hence working longer hours and extra day per week. He knows that by doing this you will want to end the relationship. He is making you do his dirty work for him.

Life after shit men is great op. Get angry, get organised and kick him to the curb xx

F

Yes he does. I’m going to have a good look around for the other key tomorrow when DD is at work

He hasn’t, I do know where he’s gone now, just don’t know hotel details. It appears he’s booked flights and accommodation separately

That’s a very good point, who goes away during school holidays unless they have to?! Prices are ridiculously higher….Unless it’s maybe an adult only hotel or something?

I'd call his bluff. Message him to say you've got your bags packed and you're so grateful he is taking you away but you're sorry for ruining the surprise of being the 2nd person. (Even though you don't have any proof etc). Then see what he says.

100% affair actions

How incredibly bizarre.

Where HAS he gone? Don’t need to share the exact country, but the continent?!

I am so sorry you are going through this. The whole thing is mad.

@Greyrockin sorry I didn’t get to read your post before it was removed. I’m sure whatever you posted you believe you had a point and maybe you did? Or maybe it was just nasty as another poster said, maybe your my dh or the ow having a go at me? I guess I’ll never know. Either way, thank you for taking the time to read my post and respond x

I had a friend who had a long-distance/online affair with a married man. This is like something he did. He told his wife his mental health was awful and he needed a break from everything. His "break" was a weekend away in London with my friend. He even Facetimed his children from the hotel room while my friend stood outside the door just in case the kids or wife asked for a tour of the room. You wouldn't believe the lengths people go to to do what they want.

I think it is very, very sus that your husband wouldn't answer your question about if he was going with someone. That sounds like a man who doesn't want to think of himself as a liar and a bad person, hence him not answering because the answer could only be either a lie or show him to be a bad person.

That's very suspicious of him! 😧

@JustMissNobody i’m really sorry this has happened. It really is very odd.