To be suspicious about DH

[JustMissNobody]

i can’t sleep and been going out of my mind all day wondering what the hell is going on and what to do. DH announced he was taking a week off on Friday out of the blue, he’s self employed. No mention of intentions of doing so prior to this. And then followed this with he thinks he’ll go away for a few days or a week. I was dumbstruck.

firstly because this is so far out of character to just take time off without mentioning anything prior and I’ve asked about us going away so many times just for even a couple of days if he can’t take a week off and he’s consistently told me he can’t because of work, or other commitments. His other commitments have also been miraculously dealt with too. So from telling me on Friday afternoon, he’s booked a holiday leaving Sunday morning for 5 days, and all this as apparently been dealt with with no pre planning.

its so not like him and going away solo? I never dreamed in a million years he’d be someone that could do that, he’s not a very social person, doesn’t go out drinking etc. I asked him if he was going with someone and he totally went off the deep end. He went upstairs about 2.30 this afternoon packing for his trip and he’s been sat in the bedroom ever since and refusing to speak to me. I’m now in the spare room because he’s still got a face on with me and ignoring me. WTAF?

This! Not just for yourself but for your DD to see its not ok to be treated like this

Is it a limited company? You can find a little about it free on Companies House. Is he a cash-in-hand, tax dodger type?

if you can root through any correspondence with HMRC and his bank statements, you might get more info.

Christ. I can't believe the bloody nerve of this guy. Of COURSE it's not acceptable to just fuck off without any communication at all after 34 years together, especially given the fact you haven't had family holidays or times away together.

I'm so sorry you're going through this, OP. I second the PPs suggesting using this time while he's away to get legal advice, get copies of paperwork, and do as much as you can to find out about finances. Your daughter's reaction suggests to me that your husband might have been drip feeding her (false) details to manipulate her opinion of you and maintain his appearance of a decent guy. I hope you're as OK as you can be.

I seriously doubt that this is a mental health crisis, given that he obtained his new passport 12 months ago for no apparent reason.
He has planned this.

What a nasty post. Do you feel better for that?

End it - he has no respect for you.

Solictor and forensic accountants, this week.

Smile and nod until you hit him unexpectedly with the results. Get up at 3am and search the house.

That’s not true. You can do a thing.

You can do lots of things. We will help you.

Good woman.

OP, find out all you can but a solicitor is best placed to advise about how to investigate his assets. You have savings so you can pay a good divorce solicitor. Look online for reviews. Hide your online activity from your daughter. If someone is very tech-savvy they can see what you have accessed on the home IP address so perhaps use somewhere like a cafe with free internet, although he will soon find out that you are leaving. You won’t have a problem finding a tenancy as you aren’t badly paid.

I have a DD a similar age and her father is very manipulative so I feel for you, but you have fulfilled your responsibility to her as a Mum and she has responsibilities to you as a daughter. If she chooses to side with her father for now, so be it. Keep your own counsel about what you’re doing this week.

Don’t tell your daughter anything for now either.

I can recommend the Art of War for quotes.

“Let your plans be dark and impenetrable as night, and when you move, fall like a thunderbolt.”
Sun Tzu

Also contact Women’s Aid because this is financial and emotional abuse. Do everything starting tomorrow.

What is your relationship with your daughter usually like? What about your other kids? Not sure if you've already been asked this

@JustMissNobody I'm sorry you are in this position. I have been hit with similar uncertainty a few months ago.

My H of 25 years acted strangely, out of nowhere, after a trip away. It didn't make sense, it was so out of the ordinary that I thought midlife crisis, mental health, mini stroke. A tiny voice in me suspected an OW.

Thanks to the good advice on MN I consulted a solicitor asap - even before I found proof that, of course, there is an OW.

I urge you, see a solicitor now. Tomorrow is Monday, make an appointment first thing. Your emotional journey will be long and complicated, OW or not, in your case he sounds also finically abusive.

You need to talk to a solicitor, understand your rights and make a plan. there are different ways to divorce and right now you have the gift of being in control which path to choose without him even knowing. Use this week to get legal advice, gather all the information you can. Don't waste time with showing up at airports. Build a legal trap instead. If you decide to divorce, this is no longer a marriage. This is now a game of chess - keep cool headed and plan your moves.

And please, for your future relationship with her, please stop talking to your DD about your marriage. She is not an impartial person, how could she. It is not helpful for you to hear her biased opinion.

Wishing you strength.

Change the locks and leave the rest of his thing outside the door when he returns.

Citizen’s Advice:

If you're married or in a civil partnership you both have ‘home rights’. This means you can stay in your home, even if you don’t own it or you’re not named on the tenancy. You’ll only have to move out permanently if your marriage or civil partnership ends, or if a court orders you to - for example, as part of your divorce.

If you’re not married or in a civil partnership, you won’t have home rights. Your rights will depend on whether you’re a tenant or homeowner.

I don't know if this is much help OP but you can check the state of the business on companies house.

Expensive time to take a holiday.

Yes I agree with all of this!

Sounds like DD needs to grow up, stop behaving like a pathetic little Daddy’s girl and show some respect to her Mum. Quite disgusting behaviour from both…but I guess the apple doesn’t fall too far from the tree as they say.

So sorry OP, you are being disrespected by DH and DD, how hurtful.

OP this is awful for you, I'm so sorry 💐.
To be honest it's likely to be either burn out to the extent he urgently needs a break away from everything or a break with OW.
Assuming it may be the latter, start getting your ducks in a row during this week. The financial nitty gritty is a priority and it may be worth getting some legal advice ahead of what may be coming.

Hey OP
Im not sure where you live, but I’m up for being a friend and sounding board if you need it.
I am also quite good at stalking companies house when needed.
But I do agree with everything everybody has said. Find all the paperwork you can in the house and make copies of it. Even if you don’t think it’s relevant, it might be needed later down the line! Especially bank statements, bills etc.
Go and get that legal advice. He sounds like he is trying to gaslight you. Also, and I know this sounds awful, stop trusting your daughter. If she is a daddy’s girl, everything you do from here on on is likely to just reinforce anything he says about you. She will need to see his behaviour for himself. And I’m sure once it comes to key events in her life and she realises he doesn’t step up, she will notice and realise life isn’t always rainbows and sprinkles.
Also, you might not like this idea, but you might want to consider an STI test, just in case he has got OW. Xx

I am also horrified by the OP's daughter's behaviour.
@JustMissNobody I am furious on your behalf at both your DD and your husband.

I would just stop engaging with her for now. Don't cook for her, do any washing etc.

Could be a secret sexual basement and not necessarily another woman. Sorry if it's been asked but can you get on any of his devices while he is away?

What a sh#t he is being. I’m sorry but the only explanation I can think of is that he’s having an affair.
You have got to find every bit of strength you have and use these few days to get your ducks in a row:try and get an emergency appointment with a solicitor, check out citizens advice, money helper, check the terms on your pension etc. the more people you talk to the more tips and suggestions you will get. Maybe make an appointment with your gp, they could organise some counselling for you.

I am so sorry for you-what a horrible way to treat your partner of over 30 years, just awful.