To be suspicious about DH

[JustMissNobody]

i can’t sleep and been going out of my mind all day wondering what the hell is going on and what to do. DH announced he was taking a week off on Friday out of the blue, he’s self employed. No mention of intentions of doing so prior to this. And then followed this with he thinks he’ll go away for a few days or a week. I was dumbstruck.

firstly because this is so far out of character to just take time off without mentioning anything prior and I’ve asked about us going away so many times just for even a couple of days if he can’t take a week off and he’s consistently told me he can’t because of work, or other commitments. His other commitments have also been miraculously dealt with too. So from telling me on Friday afternoon, he’s booked a holiday leaving Sunday morning for 5 days, and all this as apparently been dealt with with no pre planning.

its so not like him and going away solo? I never dreamed in a million years he’d be someone that could do that, he’s not a very social person, doesn’t go out drinking etc. I asked him if he was going with someone and he totally went off the deep end. He went upstairs about 2.30 this afternoon packing for his trip and he’s been sat in the bedroom ever since and refusing to speak to me. I’m now in the spare room because he’s still got a face on with me and ignoring me. WTAF?

If you have savings then take them out as cash and open another account that he knows nothing of. I have a sense this is going to get messy.

I would text him asap, really throw off his little holiday with his OW. Why wait til his return when you can ruin his fun.

“Hello John. I have decided to end our marriage. I have given notice on our rental property, you have until X date to remove all your belongings and find somewhere else to live. On your return to the UK I request all communication regarding our divorce is through my solicitor Mrs X. I hope you enjoy your break away in Spain.”

@JustMissNobody
DO NOT DO THE ABOVE

Play your cards close to your chest (regarding next steps to husband)
Poker face to to daughter

Does he have a business premises OP that there is a key for in the house? I’d be tempted, as well as searching the house and car, to get in there and have a good snoop and take photos of any account type paper work. Ideally you’ll give your daughter her marching orders but if not - does she work? If so search the house as soon as she is out. You need to get your hands on as much info as possible whilst he is away. I know it’s hard but you can do this.

Is his business big enough to be registered on Companies House?

I'm as horrified by your daughter's attitude as by your H.

I wonder how she'll react if her darling daddy is having an affair. Even if he isn't, she has an abnormal view of what marriage and relationships should be like. A family man should act like one, not be too stingy to take his family on holiday ever, then decide to swan off without even telling his wife where he's going.

Yes she's being very disloyal to her mum. But she's also setting herself up to be treated in the same way one day.

Obviously most of the posts on here (including mine) have been about preparing for divorce etc, but @JustMissNobody, do you have any idea of what you want now? As this has only happened in the last 3 days, it would be understandable if you are totally overwhelmed.

Can you see a way back for your marriage, or is this whole holiday business just the final straw for you?

I've been with my partner for 15 years today, and I do go away on my own, usually about twice a year or so. However, I don't just drop it on him last minute and expect him to be ok with it...we don't live together (after my 2nd marriage I vowed never to live full-time with a man again) but we do share the rest of our lives, holidays, finances, pets, etc. I also travel for work and he knows having a holiday romance is the last thing that appeals to me!

It's the lack of respect, by both refusing to communicate with you and also what he's been saying to your daughter about you that would mean it was the end, for me personally.

Since the house is only in your name you could give three months notice. You can then go where you want. Tough luck if he is homeless.

I'd be getting legal advice for an immediate separation and divorce, and start trying to get a hold of all financial records.

I'd also message him on THursday, day before he comes back, to tell him you want a divorce, you're changing the locks, the house is in your name and he isn't welcome back (if that's allowed under the law; hence legal advice), and you'll pack up his things and have them waiting in X location for his return date.

Good luck, OP.

I'd be deeply upset and as mad as hell. He wouldn't be getting a moment's peace - in fact, I might even throw his suitcase out of the window (he'd be lucky if he didn't follow it). This is not the moment to be shy and retiring - be in a huff with you? It's time he came out with some explanations!

Why do I feel like he's headed to Thailand.

🫣

Good to see you're angry OP. Anger is good, it'll galvanise you here.

You may have been naive, but not dumb. Clearly you haven't been happy for a while with things either and have found yourself putting up with things. It can happen in a very long marriage. Well it's reached a head now, your eyes have been opened, and it's time to prioritise yourself.

Your DD's attitude is very disappointing and I think her continuing to live with you is going to make it very hard for you to do things like change the locks on your husband, or have a good sense of self esteem. She's an adult so unless she has health issues or special needs, again you need to be prioritising yourself over her.

Good point.

Un, not to mention the financial freeloading. If he cared about her he'd be hustling to be more of a provider.

Bin.

Easy words to say looking from the outside in.

And yes, which country has he gone to?

Because like others, I don't think he definitely has an OW, but I do think he's gone off to have sex.

It's possible given what you've said that he's been seeing sex workers in the UK.

Even if he's having an affair and 'just' been having sex with one woman, there's a likelihood he's put your sexual health in jeopardy so do bear that in mind and consider having an STI check.

I know you said you don't have anyone else for support and with your DD having the attitude she does, please keep using this platform to vent, majority of people on here are very supportive of you. Don't sit with your thoughts alone and make yourself crazy at a time like this x

If her dad is anything like mine, which it sounds like he is, then she’ll have had years and years of him being the ‘nice, fun parent’ who she absolutely idolises. People like this condition their children to prefer them over the other parent- it’s not the daughters fault. I took my dad’s side all the time when my parents were arguing. It took me until my late 20s to see that he was actually a very conniving narcissist who treated my mum like shit. I feel awful knowing she had to deal with his abuse while knowing I thought he was the best thing ever.

Presumably he’s left the spare keys to his car at home, do you know where he keeps them? Only look when your DD is well out of the way though as no doubt she’ll tell him about it otherwise.

It is strange that he has gone away during school holidays!!???
See a solicitor and don’t say a word to your daughter .X
Hire car lock smith and search his car .

It sounds like he is painting you as the unreasonable crazy wife. And forcing you to end the relationship so he can be the victim.

Use this time to search the house for proof of his assets.

He seems to have turned your dd against you. Dripping poison for a while. Saying it's so nice without you won't be the only comment.

He could have lied to many people so he will be the victim.

I am wondering if the 'OW' in this case is overseas at the holiday destination, and has been scamming your husband to come out to visit in order to fleece him....Or 'she' has been engineering a holiday with him from afar (Nigeria) and he's sent 'her' the money to pay for her ticket purportedly from the far end of UK, they'll supposedly meet in destination but he'll find he's been fleeced of 4k travel costs and the 2k posh hotel 'she' has booked isn't actually booked...
Wishful thinking?

God how awful for you OP.
Please ignore any posts saying he has had a breakdown and let go of finding our about the OW or even wondering about her. It really does not matter.
The fact is you have been in abusive marriage for years now.
The has effectively controlled you financially and I should imagine in other ways too and separated you emotionally from your daughter, this is highly abusive.
You have one week to find out everything he has (I would have checked his holiday bags secretly before he left to make sure he was not taking the most important doc with him) but hopefully he still thinks your his domestic help and are too dumb for him to have to worry about and he has not taken financial documents with him.
DO go to his place of work to find documents, DO go through every thing of his at home, be on the lookout for anything that indicates he had rented or bought property or an office elsewhere and if you find that go there and search.
DONT let your daughter know or even suspect what you are doing (she will one day realize you are the parent who always had your back and put the kids first, but that day is not today)
DO find a solicitor asap, does anyone on Mumsnet had suggestions for a good one? Solicitors to avoid?
You may need to be thinking up ways to hide what you have; are you really friendly with any tradesmen or mechanics who could do you an invoice for a lot of money for some sudden emergency work that just had to be completed this week and costs tens of thousands?
I have no experience of the financial side of things, does anyone else of mumsnet know about how to hide finances in a situation like this?

Amsterdam? Thailand is a long way for 5 days.

May well be secured in a safe box along with any papers. But probably somewhere in the house or garden shed type place. Or at a place of work. Unless he has taken them all.

How can your DD think its ok that you should just take this stress he's placed on you by announcing he's going on holiday and providing no further info? That would never happen in a healthy relationship!!

Is he emotionally abusive usually toward you? I can't fathom why DD thinks its ok for a husband to do this to his wife. How would she feel if her partner just said i'm going away on holiday provided no detail and got the ump if she asked anything - I would think and hope the partner would be out on their ear as no-one should take that in a relationship. I think your DD understanding that this is not OK treatment inside a marriage is really important. Fine go away on holiday without your partner but show some basic respect and provide some details of where and dates etc.

If there are mental health issues that's a different situation entirely but given what your DH said about it being better when you are not there I think its pretty clear he's unhappy and he might just be trying to push you to breaking point - may be he can't verbalise how he is felling / what he's thinking etc.